WWE Smackdown! Report for 6/6/02

[Guest TSMAdmin]

WWE SMACKDOWN! 6/6/02

 

Clearing something up from last week’s report: Yes, I know Maven broke his leg during his match. I didn’t see exactly where it happened, though, and wasn’t going to pretend I did. I try to watch this show as “spoiler-free” as possible, even though I doubt there’s very little WWE could do to surprise anyone who’s been watching wrestling more than three months.

 

On tape from Oklahoma City, OK, this is WWE Smackdown! for 6/6/02. Your hosts are Michael Cole and a surprisingly dapper Taz(z).

 

Battle Royale: Sixteen Random Dudes Who Got No Intros, HHHGH, Smackdown Is Jericho, Kurt Angle, and Hollywood Hulk Hogan. Cole “plays” dumb as to why all these guys are in the ring at the same time. What does he really think it is, a basket weaving contest? I would say he feigned ignorance, but, well, you know. Apparently, steel-chaired beatings are nothing for the man who can shrug off death in a car from thirty feet. Forget Austin, HHH is the bionic one. Here comes Vince McMahon to explain it all to the rubes, and indeed, this is a #1 Contender’s match. I thought HHH's challenge was accepted last week? Wasn't the writing team split supposed to fix things like this. Argh. Vince starts the match, and there’s a whole lot of brawlin’ goin’ on. The Godfather is out first. Ffaarrooqq follows. More brawling, then Reverend D’Von goes out. Damn, that's some WCW-era RACISM~! right there. Billy Kidman soon follows. Hey, more punches, all right. The Big Valbowski is next to hit the floor. Christian celebrates his elimination with a tantrum. Randy Orton is next to leave, followed by Al Snow. So much for that Tough Enough push. Lance Storm gets tossed out next, then Chavo Guerrero, courtesy of a Mark Henry gorilla press. The Hurricane swooshes out next. Aaaahlbert goes out, to a large round of indifference. Henry is next to get tossed, causing earthquake warnings in Oklahoma. Angle leaves, courtesy Hardcore Holly, who avoids the Tough Enough push by getting tossed out two seconds later. The final four: Hogan, HHH, Jericho, and Test. Jericho and Test go out, leaving Hogan and HHH. HHH ambushs Hogan during the sacred shirt-tearing ritual, but takes a clothesline for his skullduggery. They do a mutual clothesline out in a very contrived spot, and of course, each man gets his hands raised by a different referee. I’m sure this will be settled by a match later. Color me excited. This was a lousy battle royale, with a lot of brawling and standing around. Even clearing out the jobber deadwood didn’t do much, as the final 4 got reduced to 2 very quickly. If you stepped away to groom your cat, you didn’t miss much. DUD

 

After the break, a crowd of refs still can’t decide who actually won the match. Despite having 7000 cameras in the arena, WWE of course doesn’t have a conclusive replay to show us. Vince pontificates for a while to get his camera time quota for the week, then finally announces there will be a one-on-one match to decide the #1 contender.

 

Meanwhile, Marc Lloyd gets Angle’s thoughts on what happened, but he complains about getting screwed the past couple weeks instead. Hardcore Holly rebuts, and hey, we’ve got two matches out of our shitty battle royale.

 

Meanwhile, The Unambiguously Gay Duo debate birthmark vs zit with Rico. It wouldn’t be so bad, if the object in question weren’t on Billy Gunn’s ASS. They threaten to sack him as their stylist unless he helps them cheat to win the tag titles back.

 

Tag Title Elimination Match: The Real Mr Ass and Rico vs The Unambiguously Gay Duo. Chuck drops Rico and slaps on an armbar, causing Rico to tap at about 20 seconds in. Now it’s a handicap match, and the Gay Boys do a beatdown until Rikishi comes back with a double clothesline. Rikishi superkicks Billy and squashes Chuck with the Fatass Splash. Billy interrupts the Stinkface, and takes a Diamond Cutter for 3. Chuck beats on Rikishi while Rico removes the turnbuckle pad. Rikishi takes Snake Eyes into it for 2. He misses a buttdrop, and Rico sneaks in to give him a spinning heel kick. Chuck finishes it with a Jungle Kick at 4:01. Rikishi had his foot on the rope, but Rico pushed it off. So he takes a Fatass Splash and Banzai Drop for his troubles. Again, if you were catching up on your pet grooming, you didn’t miss anything, except a complete waste of two weeks and the continuing devaluation of the tag belts. DUD #2

 

Meanwhile, Hurricane finds another clue.

 

After the break, Nidia turns out to be Hurricane’s stalker. Nidia? She's still alive? Helms rejects her attempts to rekindle whatever pretend relationship they were supposed to have, then gets punked out by Nidia’s new “boyfriend” Jamie Knoble. Well, that month-long cycle was a buildup to a letdown. Don't even get me started on the "acting" in this segment. When a guy with green hair in a dumb costume is the best actor in the skit, you've got some problems.

 

KOTR Qualifier: Chris-TIAN vs The Big Valbowski. Christian jumps Val and pounds him to start. Val hangs Christian on the top rope and neckbreakers him for 2. They brawl, leading to Christian hitting a slop drop backbreaker for 2. Val busts out the Fisherman’s suplex for 2. He locks in an inverted Figure 4, but Christian makes the ropes. He sells the knee injury pretty well, actually. Christain gets 2 off a slop drop, but Val counters the Unprettier with a Blue Thunder powerbomb for 3 at 3:27. Decent little three-minute match. 4/10.

 

Meanwhile, Tough Enough 2 winners Linda and Jackie say hi to Vince. Ivory bitches them out for being disrespectful somehow, and Linda gets in her face about it. Solomon Vince decides to settle it by cutting Jackie in half. Well, not quite, but we are getting a meaningless Velocity match out of it. It’s the little victories, I’m telling you.

 

Mid-Show Main Event: Kurt Angle vs Hardcore Holly. That’s some impressive canned noise for Holly. Angle starts with a shoulderblock, but walks into the Best Damn Dropkick In the Business. The announcers mention Holly’s arm injury, caused by a messed-up Anglesault, so at least they’re trying for continuity. Of course, Holly doesn’t still have the steel plate, and I think he would have gotten his revenge before now, but maybe it’s just me. Holly stunguns Angle, but Kurt nails the overhead belly-to-belly. Angle hits a German and locks in the sleeper. Holly punches out and puts on his own sleeper, but Angle suplexes out of it. He posts himself, but the shoulder is never worked on. Sigh. Holly backdrops Angle and powerslams him for 2. He goes up, but Angle counters with that awesome running superplex for 2. Holly slips out of the Olympic Slam and powerbombs Angle for 2. Kurt turns the Alabama Slam into an Anglelock, but Holly makes the ropes. He counters a second Anglelock with a victory roll, but Angle rolls thru that and uses the ropes for the pin at 7:04. Holly gets his heat back with an Alabama Slam after the bell, but Angle protects the sanctity of his hair treatments with a lowblow. Good match that looks to be better than the “real” main event. I could deal with this as Angle’s feud since Edge is hurt. 6/10.

 

Meanwhile, we cut to a hospital, where Torrie pays Maven a visit. Torrie provides an object lesson in why it’s hard to watch a hottie eat a banana. Damn, if breaking your leg is all it takes to get Torrie to visit you in the hospital, complete with skimpy clothes and banana, I’m skydiving without a parachute TOMORROW. Torrie pulls the curtain back, but Tajiri is in the hospital learning where they are.

 

After the break, Tajiri, in disguise as a doctor, tries to sneak in on Maven and Torrie, but gets dragged to the ER by a couple of other doctors.

 

Edge, with his arm in a sling, is unable to compete in his KOTR qualifier match with Jericho. Tough break, really; I like Edge, and he was getting the biggest push of his life. Edge is mad at himself for dropping the ball, but admits he’d do the same high-risk move again. That’s the company spirit, soldier; now stick that needle in your BUTT, take those painkillers, and get back on the road. Some of the camera pans reveal a lot of fans dressed up as empty seats. We can’t have a man fess up to an injury without a rebuttal, so Jericho, who just got handed a forfeit victory, comes out to offer his thoughts. Jericho is sickened by Edge and the fans. Well, we ARE in Oklahoma. Jericho reminds Edge that he is the loser here, and demands Edge raise his hand in victory. Edge, of course, attacks, and Jericho strikes back by attacking his shoulder. Jericho tosses Edge shoulder-first into the wall and the ringpost. He then drapes Edge’s arm over the steps, stands on his head (nice touch there) and smashes Edge’s shoulder with a chair. Great beatdown by Jericho here. Val makes the save.

 

After the break, Dawn Marie and Yummy Stacy BUTT heads. I'm sure it strokes Vince's ego to think two hotties (well, one hottie and Dawn Marie) are fighting over who gets to be his pet, but unless he's got rolled-up $100 bills in his shorts, I don't think anyone's buying it.

 

Meanwhile, the Irony of the Night occurs when Lance Storm tells Billy Kidman he doesn’t have any charisma. Next week, Hogan calls HHH a politician.

 

Meanwhile, back at the ranc . . . er, hospital, Tajiri finds the lovebirds post-coitus. He gives Torrie a faceful of GREEN MIST~! and savages Maven’s broken leg.

 

Lance Storm vs Billy Kidman. Kidman jumps Storm and hits a quick ‘rana. He goes up, but Storm dropkicks him off the top. Cool counter. Storm does a springboard clothesline for 2. Pinfall reversal sequence leads to a Kidman powerbomb for 2. Tornado bulldog gets 2. Storm slaps on the Maple Leaf, but Kidman makes the ropes. He enzuigiris Storm and goes up. Storm tries to punch him down, but Kidman comes down on his own, with a sunset flip powerbomb for 2. Storm jawbreakers Kidman and finishes him with a superkick at 2:45. Energetic, of course, but it was still the standard cruiser spotfest. Give then ten minutes and match structure, then we can talk about how healthy the lightweight division is. 4/10.

 

Meanwhile, HHH watches replays of the beatdown last week, then just walks off without a word. Man, that silence was INTENSE.

 

Main Event: Hollywood Hulk Hogan vs HHHGH. HHH pounds Hogan in the corner, but Hogan clotheslines him down. He punches HHH out of the ring and tosses him around. Hogan ends up going into the post. Back in, HHH works him over in the corner. He drops the elbow for 2. Hogan tries to brawl his way back into it, but HHH applies a sleeper. Hogan’s arm does not fall three times, and he ends up with his own sleeper. HHH suplexes out of it for 2. It’s Hulk Up time, though. Three punches, big boot, and the legdrop . . . misses. Hogan backdrops out of a Pedigree and this time he gets the legdrop, but for 2. Hogan thinks he’s won, so he turns around into Kick-Wham-Pedigree at 6:42. Eat a real finisher, you deteriorated old coot. Hogan’s 80's offense is getting older than he is, and HHH being sluggish just compounded the problems. 1/10.

 

After the bell, Hogan calls HHH back to the ring. They do the STAREDOWN~! leading to a handshake and much embracing. See, this is where Hogan has value: putting over younger stars. He might be old and washed up, but he’s still Hulk Hogan, and having Hogan put you over and say you were the better man means something. Of course, it’s all wasted on HHH, but at least they got the basic idea right. Now just have Hogan put over people like Edge, Brock, and even Maven, and it’ll mean something. Anyway, Angle interrupts the male bonding and posedowns, but serves as a distraction for The Undertaker to waylay HHH and Hogan. The heels lay down the beats, and HHH take a a chokeslam and Last Ride. That’s what you get for being a poseur, Hunter.

 

Doing The Math: Only five matches this week, plus the ridiculously bad battle royale. The first half-hour was a good time to water your plants, clean out the cat box, or dust your Chia Pet collection. The show did improve after that, but the leaden first half-hour and lousy main event drag this one down below the line of mediocrity. Overall (not an average): 4/10.

 

Dr. Tom

 

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