Dr. Tom's Smackdown Report 6/27/02

[Guest TSMAdmin]

WWE SMACKDOWN! 6/27/02

 

If they took Austin out of Raw’s opening epileptic chyron, why is DDP still in Smackdown’s?

 

By the way, this report is full of wild speculation and vicious lies, because that's all you'll find about wrestling on the internet.

 

On tape from Chicago, IL, this is WWE Smackdown! for 27 June 2002. Your broad-shouldered . . . um, your hosts are Michael Cole and Taz(z).

 

Sans music, 100% Vince is in the ring right away to play Ed McMahon to Kurt Angle’s Johnny Carson. Angle holds the mic to his forehead and murmurs, “The next stupid catchphrase that will be shoved down our throats.” Curiously enough, “Ruthless Aggression” is written on the mic. Just call him Kurt Karnac, kids. Ok, maybe not. Angle claims to be the poster child for the “ruthless aggression” craze, and lists his accomplishments. Kurt de-wigs himself and questions the fans’ sense of humor. Angle wants to give a hands-on demo of ruthless aggression, and the usual open challenge (with the codicil that it has to be someone Angle has never wrestled) ensues. He encourages one of the up-and-comers to come out and challenge him, and John Cena obliges. Cena puts over the new catchphrase (complete with INTENSE FACE~!), throws a right, and IT’S ON!

 

Impromptu Match: John Cena vs Kurt Angle. Cena pounds Angle and dumps him to the floor for some more abuse. Back in, a splash in he corner gets 2 for the rookie. Angle grabs a quick Anglelock, but Cena has the counter ready. He has no counter for a pair of Germans, though. Angle wails on Cena in the corner and suplexes him for 2. He slaps on a facelock, but Cena backdrops out. Cena breaks out the flying jalapeno, and a spinebuster gets 2. Olympic Slam is countered into a DDT for 2, and two more pin attempts get 2. Angle posts himself on a charge, and Cena rolls him up for 2. Powerslam gets 2. These are really NEAR falls, and the crowd is WAY into these spots. Angle grabs a chickenwing and rolls Cena up for the pin at 5:40. Well, that was an anticlimactic ending to such a hot sequence. Very good match, though, and an excellent way to establish Cena as a credible worker right away. It helped that they picked the perfect wrestler to help him look good, but this was solid stuff nonetheless. Also note that Angle pinned Cena while still putting him over as a legitimate competitor in the eyes of the fans. 7/10

 

After the break, Cena gets some congratulations from the midcard guys, who scatter when The Undertaker walks up. UT offers a handshake and congratulates the newcomer on his efforts.

 

There is NO truth to the rumor that Taker then barked, “Now get me my coffee, bitch!” to Cena when the camera stopped rolling, just so you know.

 

Tag Team Title Match: The Unambiguously Gay Duo (with Rico) vs Hardcore Holly and The Big Valbowski. Hey, if you’re running low on teams, just pair up two JTTS. Cole says they’ve been talking about teaming up for years, which is of course why we're just hearing about it now. Holly and Billy slug it out, then Bob misses the Best Dropkick In The Business by about a foot. They didn’t change cameras quickly enough that time. Sloppy editing there, guys. Val drop toeholds the incoming Chuck, slams him, and drops the knee for 2. Holly is back in, and a tandem elbowdrop gets 2. Billy sneaks in for a dropkick, and Holly place face in peril for a while. Quick tags from the champs, and they work Bob over with some standard heel cheating tactics. Holly suplexes Chuck, setting up the hot tag to Val, who goes right into house afire mode. Rico sneaks in, only to get Alabama Slammed, but the distraction allows Chuck to Jungle Kick Val, setting up the Dumb-asser for the win at 4:19. It picked up a little at the end, but this was still a pedestrian match. 2/10

 

 

Meanwhile, Torrie Wilson primps before the mirror.

 

After the break, Torrie parades around onstage in a bikini to hype the rescheduled “Divas Undressed” special. I can see why she won.

 

Earlier, Jamie Knoble let Tajiri sample Nidia’s wares. Could they book these two a little more ridiculously? Next, they’ll be “revealed” as brother and sister, after Nidia has amnesia and gets replaced by her evil twin who was thought to be dead all these years.

 

Lance Storm vs Mark Henry. Footage from a strongman competition earlier shows Henry lifting some dumbbell that no one’s ever lifted before. Insert your own joke there. Henry tosses Storm around as a “USA!” chant starts. Storm slips out of a gorilla press, but gets carried to the corner and chopped off the top to the ootside. What’s that all aboot, eh? Henry beals Storm back in, with an assist from Storm bouncing favorably off the top rope. Henry’s all aboot the power. Storm uses the thumb to the eye to try and chop his way back in, but Henry is strong and fat, and Storm is neither. Henry misses a splash, allowing Storm to hit a nice springboard dropkick, then a superkick for 3 at 2:34. It was the usual strongman crap from Henry, but at least Storm was game. Christian congratulates Storm for beating an American afterwards. 1/10

 

The Undertaker comes out to unburden himself. UT talks about the belt and his title match against HHHGH for a while, to no apparent end. He then grouses about The Rock’s involvement in the title match, complete with footage for the 98% of the fans who wisely didn’t order KOTR. Taker hypes Rock’s return to SD on July 11th, then reserves an ass-kicking for that day. I think he should check with Rock’s agent, publicist, hairstylist, eyebrow waxer, and latest movie director before taking such liberties with the next Hollywood action star. Angle comes out and calls UT a blowhard, then challenges him for next Thursday. Don’t be so presumptuous, Kurt; he still has to get past the EXTREME~! Jeff Hardy first. UT points out that Angle almost jobbed to a rookie, then accepts – anytime, anyplace, etc. Angle asks to hold the gold, and UT obliges, before pointing out that’s the closest Angle will ever get to the belt. That’s just plain rude, so Angle slaps on a quick Anglelock, just to show he can. This was a boring segment until Angle got involved.

 

Torrie struts her stuff on stage again. If seeing Torrie half-naked regularly is a result of Kidman upsetting the creative team, I think he should piss in Paul Heyman’s coffee next.

 

Test vs The Real Mr Ass. They slug it out, and Rikishi does a BELLY-to-belly suplex. More brawling sets up a Test bodyslam. The Yakuza kick misses, allowing Rikishi a superkick for 2. A low blow stops the Banzai drop, then they brawl some more. Test bumps the ref for the DQ at 2:49. It’s a Rikishi-Test match, you wanted a lot of detail? Test intimidates the ref for a while, so Rikishi punks him out and does the Stinkface. If I were a wrestler, I’d just love to be known as a fat guy who didn’t wash my BUTT. Christian comes oot to protest on behalf of Canadians everywhere, but Rikishi superkicks him. Lance Storm starts to run in, but chickens oot at the thought of the unwashed ass. DUD

 

Meanwhile, Hollywood Hulk Hogan barges into Vince’s office. Vince expresses condolences for Hogan’s KOTR loss on behalf of Hulkamaniacs everywhere. Vince hopes Hogan doesn’t tap out like a little girl again, and Hogan alludes to a future match between them. Like Hogan needs any help sucking in the ring . . .

 

After the break, Test and Christian tell Storm he was right aboot America sucking.

 

Cruiserweight Tag Match: Jamie Knoble (with Nidia) and Tajiri vs Billy Kidman and The Hurricane. Helms starts with a fireman’s carry on Tajiri, but gets kicked and slammed. Knoble comes in, and bails right away. Helms chases and clotheslines him on the floor. Back in, more clotheslining ensues. Tajiri in, and Helms tries the double Hurri-chokeslam. The heels turn it into a double suplex, which Helms reverses to a double bulldog. Kidman in, and they double-team Tajiri for 2. Kidman comes down with a nice armdrag out of the corner, but gets elbowed. Knoble is greeted with a Kid Krusher for 2. Tajiri kicks Kidman on an Irish whip, and the heels do some double-teaming. Tajiri locks in the Tarantula. He goes for a tornado DDT, which Kidman turns into a powerbomb. Helms gets the semi-hot tag. He tosses Tajiri out, then beats on Knoble and tosses him out, too. Tajiri sneaks in a back kick, but Helms makes a blind tag. The hurri-chokeslam sets up Kidman’s shooting star press for 3 at 4:33. I was expecting a spotfest, but this was a pretty bland match for the lighter set. 4/10

 

Meanwhile, Torrie and Yummy Stacy bicker.

 

After the break, Torrie and Stacy prance around in skimpy clothes. Stacy is now my favorite schoolgirl. If they all looked like that, in outfits like that, I'd enroll in a seminary tomorrow. Dawn Marie comes out, screeches a lot, and sets up a catfight.

 

Meanwhile, The Internet Hates Jericho enlightens Marc Lloyd on the similarities of beating Hogan and finishing off Edge.

 

Tag Match: Reverend D’Von and Deacon Batista vs Ffaarrooqq and Randy Orton. D’Von does some very un-Christian brawling, and Orton absolves him with an armdrag and hiptoss. Sidewalk slam gets 2. D’Von dropkicks Orton and pounds him in the corner. Orton blocks a superplex and comes down with a bulldog. Faarooq in, and he powerslams D’Von for 2. D’Von slips out of the Dominator and DDT’s Faarooq. He goes up and misses the headbutt. Orton comes in with a flying bodypress for 2. Batista gets a blind tag and decapitates Orton with a clothesline. Damn, he’s a big’un. That collection plate must have been heavier than I thought. Batista kills Orton dead with a huge spinebuster at 3:21. They did a much better job of building up John Cena. I like the fact that Orton got a long look in the this one, but Batista got about thirty seconds of ring time. If you're going to get the new guys out there, put them in the damn ring and get old deadwood like Faarooq out of the way. Blah match, but they tried. 3/10

 

Main Event: Hollywood Hulk Hogan vs The Internet Hates Jericho. Jericho jumps Hogan and pounds on him in the corner. Hogan comes back with a pair of clotheslines and a backdrop. Jericho chops away, and skins the cat when Hogan tries to toss him out. Hulk has the right hand waiting, though. Ten-punch countalong stops at eight, and a couple of them came close to making actual contact. Jericho lowblows Hogan and back suplexes him. Even the power of the arrogant cover can’t kill Hulkamania, though, as it only gets 2. The fans start a “Jericho sucks!” chant, dispelling my theory that wrestling fans are too stupid to form a chant of more than three syllables. Hogan starts to brawl, so Jericho DDT’s him for 2. Jericho goes for an abdominal stretch, which Hogan “sells” like a constipated man squatting over a rabbit hole. Really, it’s just pathetic. Jericho uses the ropes to try and salvage something out of the spot. Hogan finally hiptosses out, and it was a shitty hiptoss. Damn those complicated new moves! Jericho posts himself on a charge, allowing Hogan to hulk up. Three punches, but Jericho interrupts the sacred sequence by ducking the big boot. Double-leg takedown, but Hogan counters the Walls. Jericho hits the bulldog, and the Lionsault gets 2. Hogan hulks up for the second time. Hey, 1985 called, and it’s looking for its offense back. Three punches again, and the big boot connects this time, but Jericho interrupts the sequence again by bailing. He comes back in with a chair and clobbers Hogan with it for the cheap DQ at 6:35. Yeah, that really makes Jericho look good: he had to use a chair to beat a 50 year-old half-crippled has-been. Jericho was OK in this one, but Hogan selling everything like an intestinal inconvenience didn’t help him any. Lay off the Taco Bell next time, Hulk. 2/10

 

After the bell, Jericho sets up the steps and chairs Hogan across the back. He goes to deliver the coup de grace, but the Y2J countdown hits again, and out comes Edge. Edge comes to get him some, and he takes it to Jericho. Hogan prevents Jericho from running away, and Edge spears him down in the ring. I guess that shoulder’s getting better. Edge and Hogan do the usual posing afterwards.

 

Doing The Math: They’re moving in the right direction here. This was definitely a better show than the last two lousy offerings. I really liked the Cena-Angle match and how they made Cena look credible right away. Batista was impressive in the brief amount of time they gave him in the ring, but I have to hope they're not making him another "monster" heel. It’s still early, though, and they’re at least doing the right thing by trying to get the new guys out there. After the first match, the rest of the show was a little south of average, but I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt, and an extra point, for trying to make some of the new guys look good right away. They definitely need new stars; Cena, Orton, Lesnar, and Batista represent a lot of WWE’s future, and it was good to see them get started on building that future in the present. Overall (not an average): 6.5/10

 

Dr. Tom