Dr. Tom's Smackdown! Report

[Guest TSMAdmin]

WWE SMACKDOWN 7/4/02

 

Happy Independence Day to my millions of readers in America. For those of you elsewhere in the world . . . um, happy Thursday! It’s a shame you don’t share our convenient excuse for getting drunk, gorging ourselves, and blowing shit up.

 

The opening video package shows the return of Edge last week.

 

On tape from Boston, Taxachusetts, this is WWE Smackdown! for ID4 2002. Your Beantown hosts are Michael Cole and Taz(z).

 

Lilian Garcia starts us off with a rendition of “America The Beautiful.” Uh-oh, Lillian sang the “God shed his grace on thee” line. This show must be declared unconstitutional immediately! Obviously, Lance Storm, Christian, and Test feel the same way, as Storm shouts Garcia out of the ring before she can finish. Christian cites the shoddy state of the US edyookashunal system by saying most Americans think of Independence Day as a Will Smith movie. It’s a shame that such a cruddy movie is associated with the birth of our nation, isn’t it? Storm enlightens us to the fact that American independence involved us turning our backs on Britain, then runs down 20th century foreign policy for a while. Storm is very underrated on the mic in my opinion; I really don’t know where everyone gets the idea that he has no charisma. Storm’s getting some good heat. The three join in shouting that “America sucks!” The Real Mr Ass comes out for the opening match, and it’s time for a commercial already.

 

Coming out and interrupting “America the Beautiful” was a great way to get some pretty powerful heat for Storm, Christian, and Test. See, it’s the simple ideas that often work the best.

 

Lance Storm vs The Real Mr Ass. It’s a shame that America’s honor is being defended by a fat, dancing Samoan who never washes his BUTT. Maybe he’d be a good choice to play Santa Claus, but not GI Joe. Anyway, Rikishi brawls and dumps Storm oot. Storm comes back in with a springboard, but he forgot to add the dropkick at the end, so Rikishi clotheslines him oot of the air. Spinebuster, but the Fatass Splash misses. Storm gets a nice high kick for 2. Rikishi elbows him down and drops the big ass. He drags Storm over for the Banzai drop, but Christian distracts the ref long enough for Test to boot Rikishi off the second rope. Storm covers for the win at 2:31. The Canadians are all aboot the cheating. Nothing really worth seeing here, but the Canadian trio is drawing some good heel heat. 2/10

 

Last week, John Cena stepped up and had a good match with Kurt Angle.

 

Meanwhile, the red, white, and blue is very becoming on Yummy Stacy (and if I were red, white, and blue, I’d be comin . . . ah, never mind) as she fetches Cena for 100% Vince.

 

Tag Match: Reverend D’Von and Former Deacon Bautista vs Randy Orton and The Big Valbowski. Val tries to pound on Bautista, to no real effect. A clothesline is also no-sold. Val kicks the rookie’s legs, but walks into a big clothesline. D’Von beats on Val and does the spinning elbow off the ropes. Val slams him down and drops the knee for 2. Orton comes in and gets some major height on a dropkick for 2. Orton misses a charge, but hops up to the second rope. D’Von neckbreakers him down for 2. D’Von pounds on Orton in the corner, but Orton rallies with a top-rope bulldog. Val clotheslines D’Von and gets the Blue Thunder powerbomb, but Bautista saves. Orton powerslams D’Von for 2. Bautista gets a blind tag, and plants Orton with a rollthru slam off a fireman’s carry. Bautista beheads Val with a clothesline. Orton misses a bodypress and Bautista hits the big spinebuster for the win at 4:54. Decent enough match. 4/10

 

Meanwhile, The Internet Hates Jericho complains to Vince about Edge. Vince makes the match at Vengeance, which doesn’t seem to put Jericho at ease. Cena enters, soaks up some compliments from Vince, and gets introduced to Cena. Jericho won’t shake his hand, and decides to mouth off instead, so Cena gives him a hard slap. I smell a match later.

 

During the break, Jericho demanded a match with Cena.

 

Meanwhile, Angle tells Marc Lloyd that tonight is his night. Angle has a highlight reel from the last two weeks to accentuate his point. Kurt feels that a gold medalist is a much better representative of America than a tattooed biker. I know which one I’d rather have on my side in a bar fight, though.

 

Earlier, The Unambiguously Gay Duo crammed a bunch of weiners in their mouths, much to Rico’s alarm. Cheap Freudian jokes don’t always work very well, and this was one of those times.

 

Tag Team Title Match: Edge and Hollywood Hulk Hogan vs The Unambiguously Gay Duo (with Rico). In a great 4th of July moment, Hogan comes out to “Real American” while waving Old Glory. Huge “Hogan!” chant. Hogan overpowers Chuck, but Chuck knees him in the gut and slams his down,. Chuck mocks Hogan with some poses, so Hogan decks him. Hogan clotheslines Chuck and drops the elbow. Billy comes in and gets pinballed. Edge comes in and slop drops Billy for 2. Billy clotheslines him down, and Chuck goes to work in the corner. Chuck does a nice, quick double underhook suplex for 2. Billy chokes Edge on the second rope, and lets Chuck beat on him from the outside. Chuck slams Edge, who tries to rally with his fists and gets tossed out. Billy holds Edge for a Rico superkick, but Edge moves and Billy takes it in the face. Billy recovers to bulldog Edge into the steps. Chuck gets 2 back in the ring. Billy hooks in a front facelock, which Edge finally backdrops out of. Billy rolls him up for 2. Chuck tries a powerslam, but Edge slips out and bulldogs him. Tags all around, and Hogan wails on Billy, then Chuck. Noggin-knocker, and Hogan hits Billy with the big boot. He goes for the legdrop, but Chuck Jungle kicks him. That’s a pretty effective counter, that is. Billy covers for 2. Hogan double clotheslines the gay boys, and Edge comes in with a flying clothesline of the flying variety. He cleans house on the heels, and drops Chuck with the Implant DDT. Rico pulls Edge out, and Hogan goes over to beat on him. Edge spears Billy, but Chuck saves. Chuck pounds Edge, but Hogan breaks it up and they do a double big boot. Edge and Hogan both do legdrops, and Edge gets the pin at 10:00. This was a much better match than it had any right to be, mainly because Hogan’s involvement was minimized. It's good to see him motivated and trying, though. I’ll even give them an extra point for “Real American,” just because I thought it was so cool when I was twelve. Hell, it’s STILL cool. Edge looked like he was having the tme of his life, by the way. 6/10.

 

The Internet Hates Jericho vs John Cena. Jericho jumps Cena right away. He elbows Cena ff the ropes, but Cena grabs a double leg takedown and pounds on Jericho. Jericho bails, but Cena follows and beats on him some more. Back in, Cena blocks a dropkick and catapults Jericho into the buckle. Spinebuster gets 2. That must be the first thing everyone learns in development these days. It’s the equivalent of the dropkick among the Tough Enough grads. Jericho bails again – a lost tactic among the heels – and suckers Cena into following him again, as the rookie takes a clothesline. Jericho drops Cena onto the announce table. Back in, Jericho punts Cena in the ribs and chokes him on the 2nd rope. Jericho goes up and comes down with the Please Counter Me Leap, so Cena does with a dropkick. Cena gets 2 off a powerslam, then hits a Stinger splash and bulldog for 2. Jericho rolls thru a sunset flip and tries for the Walls, but Cena grabs a rollup for 2. Cena hits a DDT for 2, and covers again for 2. Cena misses another splash, and Jericho hits the bulldog. Lionsault misses, but he flips thru it (which always looks really contrived) into a Cena spinebuster for 2. Cena grabs a schoolboy for 2. Jericho slips out of a suplex and hits a drop sleeper (called “the Flashback” by Cole – another finisher of his they’ll kill in a couple months) and covers with his feet on the ropes at 5:11. After the bell, Jericho suckers Cena into shaking his hand and beats on the rookie. Cena plants him with a hard slam, and Jericho heads for the hills. This wasn’t as good as the Angle match; they didn’t build the near-falls as well and pull the crowd in as effectively. Still a nice effort by Cena, and a solid building block for WWE. 5/10

 

Earlier, Jamie Noble and Nidia moved into a new trailer. They marvel over the running water in the kitchen. No one show them the sliced bread! Of course, they end up in the bedroom. I bet they’ll find the indoor plumbing before long.

 

Bra And Panties Match: Torrie Wilson vs Yummy Stacy. Torrie wins. Neither of these girls will be confused for Trish Stratus in the ring anytime soon, though they both looked better in there then they did a few months ago. Funny little spot, as the girls were rolling around, and rolled over the very lucky referee. After the bail, Torrie does a striptease anyway. What, you want a rating? I like T&A as much as the next guy, but matches like this one completely undermine the quality that Trish, Molly Holly, and Jazzhave been bringing to the matches. Torrie and Stacy have made progress, so they're not lost causes, but if you're going to put girls in the ring, they should be able to wrestle, not just be eye candy in skimpy clothes.

 

Meanwhile, The Undertaker vents to Lloyd about Vince’s lack of confidence in him from Monday night. UT poses the question as to which one is better in a foxhole: a so-called American hero, or a real American badass. I think I’d rather have a lot of guns and daisy cutters over either, but that’s just me.

 

Main Event, Undisputed Title Match: Kurt Angle vs The Undertaker. UT overpowers Angle and grinds in a headlock. Shoulderblock, and Angle bails. Angle grabs a headlock, but UT shoulderblocks him down again. Angle goes to the mat wrestling and gets 2. UT chases him into bailing again. Angle drop toeholds UT and does a pair of armdrags. UT boots Kurt out of the ring. Angle charges, But UT tosses him off and clotheslines him for 2. There’s a good back-and-forth dynamic so far. Snake Eyes sets up a big boot for 2. Angle hits a German suplex out of a chokeslam attempt. Back suplex gets 2, and Angle lays the beats down in the corner. UT comes back with a leaping shoulderblock and punches away. He kicks Angle and DDTs him for 2. Angle tries another German, but UT elbows out and goes for the Tombstone~! Yeah, they’ll give that away on free TV. Angle counters it into the Anglelock. Taker finally rolls thru it. Olympic Slam gets 2 as UT puts his foot on the rope. Angle goes back to the Anglelock, and UT kicks him off. One-legged chokeslam gets 2. UT goes for the Last Ride, which Angle counters with a triangle choke. This is the part they had to reshoot, and the edit is pretty seamless. The shots are all very tight, but the crowd noise is noticeably quieter. UT works the hold into a pin, and the ref counts 3 just as Taker taps out at 10:22. Well, that leads to a full-fledged controversy, which will only be decided after a commercial break. This match told a good story, and Undertaker sold better than he has in a while. These two have a good dynamic together in the ring, despite their conflicting styles. 6/10

 

After the bell, a conference of referees discuss the controversial ending. Of course, Angle and UT are declared winners by separate referees, and the official ruling is a draw, meaning UT keeps the belt. An irate Angle cinches in another Anglelock to get his heat back from that devastating draw. Does this make it the Disputed title now?

 

Doing The Math: Two solid episodes of Smackdown in a row? That was hard to fathom just two weeks ago, but WWE has managed to reverse course on Thursdays and start booking good shows again. The young guys are getting their time to step up, and the veterans are coming thru the rest of the time. Shows like this are what WWE needs to get the ratings back up and get the fans interested in the product again. I just wish they would do it without saying “Ruthless aggression” 50,000 times per show. Overall (not an average): 7/10

 

Dr. Tom