Dr. Tom's Smackdown! Report

[Guest TSMAdmin]

Ok, a mini-rant about baseball’s All-Star fiasco before we get started. It’s an exhibition game, so who cares if someone won? The fans got to see eleven innings of a competitive game played by the sixty best players in MLB. Anyone who thinks they were “cheated” is a bloody imbecile and should just avoid baseball for the rest of their natural lives. Of course, if the managers weren’t so concerned with getting everyone into the game, it never would have been an issue. Was it really so important that Randy Winn got an at-bat? Maybe if the starters played five innings, and there were two closers on each team instead of five, no one would run out of pitchers. It’s an exhibition game, but the managers should run the game like they’re actually trying to win, not just shuttle thirty players on and off the field. Bud Selig might be a cretin, but he made the right call by stopping the game. Baseball has bigger issues to worry about than the freaking All-Star game ending in a tie.

 

On tape from Atlantic City, NJ, this is WWE Smackdown! for 7/11/02. Your high-rolling hosts are Michael Cole and Taz(z).

 

Tag Team Title Match: Edge and Hollywood Hulk Hogan vs The Unambiguously Gay Duo (with Rico). It’s back to “Voodoo Child” this week for Hogan. Chuck knees Edge but takes a quick flying jalapeno and heel kick. Billy sneaks in for a powerslam, then Chuck goes to work on Edge in the corner. Underhook suplex gets 2. It’s a shame they partner a talented guy like Chuck Palumbo with a stiff like Billy Gunn, whose greatest contribution to WWE has been telling people what to do with their mouths in two short words. Billy comes in for a brief brawl and stomping session, then it’s back to Chuck, who slams Edge and drops the elbow for 2. Edge gets tossed, and Billy and Rico work him over on the outside. Chuck slaps on a chinlock, allowing Edge to fight out befre he elbows him down. Edge hits the Implant DDT, but he’s spent and they’re both down. Chuck prevents the tag and Billy comes in, but walks into a bulldog. There’s the hot tag to Hogan, who cleans house. Big boots for everyone, but Rico grabs his leg before the mighty legdrop can hit. Edge spears Rico off the apron while Billy hits Hogan with the Dumb-asser. It only gets 2, though, as Hogan is HULKING UP~! Three rights, big boot, legdrop, goodnight, at 6:12. Edge and Hogan look like a team that can benefit greatly from Ricky Morton’s tag team formula. It worked pretty well this time. Hogan's being used in exactly the right way, too. 4/10

 

Meanwhile, John Cena sucks up to The Undertaker, who would rather wait for The Rock to arrive than banter with the rookie.

 

Earlier today, Torrie Wilson’s bikini photo shoot was interrupted by the prudish Molly Holly.

 

Meanwhile, UT talks to Fit Finlay, Johnny Ace, and Steve Lombardi, who fruitlessly try to talk him inside. Kurt Angle and The Internet Hates Jericho pull up in a limo, and you can probably guess what happens next. 100% Vince chides the road agents afterwards.

 

After the break, Undertaker’s mighty chair-tossing makes the midcarders scatter. Cena stays, though, and gets chewed out for not having Taker’s back in the garage.

 

Chick Title Match: Torrie Wilson vs Molly Holly. Torrie slaps Molly and slams her twice. Well, she’s already doing a lot better than Jackie Gayda. Molly bails and gets tossed into the apron. Back in, Molly drop toeholds Torrie into the ropes. Backbreaker, but she misses the elbowdrop and gets catapulted. Torrie hits a surprisingly decent-looking neckbreaker for 2. Molly comes back with a knee to Torrie’s finely-toned stomach, and a nice Northern Lights suplex for 2. She goes for a handsrping elbow, but Torrie counters by kicking her in the back. Torrie chops Molly in the corner, but Molly powerbombs her down and uses some variation of the Indian deathlock to pin Torrie at 2:22. Torrie looked about 1000x better than Jackie did Monday, and it’s not like she has a lot more experience in the ring. Give her a few more months of solid training with Finlay and we might have the next Trish on our hands. Molly was good, as usual, but it’s nice to see Torrie is turning into more than just a nice body on display for the horny male fans. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course. 2/10

 

Tag Match: Reverend D’Von and Former Deacon Bautista vs Randy Orton and Mark Henry. D’von beats on Orton until the rookie hits a flying jalapeno and dropkick. Orton tries to do a countalong, but Bautista pulls him down into a hotshot. D’von posts Orton by tossing him on top of the ringpost. I guess lifting all those tables for so long gave his arms quite a workout. Bautista tosses Orton around but misses an elbowdrop. Bautista posts himself on a charge, allowing D’Von and Henry to tag in. Henry does his strong fat guy offense for a while. Neat spot, as Henry does a Fatass splash, then whips D’Von into a flying bodypress from Orton. It’s all for naught, though, as Bautista is talented and strong, while Henry is fat and strong, and talent beats fat. Spinebuster ends it at 4:06. This was going pretty well until Henry got in the ring. 1/10

 

Meanwhile, Edge and Hogan make plans to go gambling. Hogan reminisces about WM X8 while Rock walks up behind them. Rock objects when Hogan brings up whose name they were chanting. The banter is pretty good, and it was especially funny when Rock aped Hogan while Hogan talked to Edge after he thought Rock had left.

 

Finally, The Rock has come back to Atlantic City! Rock talks the usual smack before deciding he wants to break into song. However, Rock decides that Busta Rhymes is a better singer, so after some hype for the latest lame-ass Halloween movie, Rock and Busta do a duet. Busta starts to sing a song about titties, so Rock cuts him off and makes veiled references to cunnilingus. Well, that’s much better for network TV. Hey, it’s finally time to talk about wrestling, so Rock goes on hype duty for the Vengeance and calls Taker out. Playing the role of Undertaker for this segment will be a bald, goofy Olympic champion. Angle goes over his recent accomplishments, and promises to make Rock tap at Vengeance. Rock speaks uncharitably about Angle’s shaved head in rebuttal. Angle claims that Smackdown is now his show, so Rock responds by making fun of him some more. Angle’s had all he’s going to take, so he throws down a challenge for next week. Rock decides to get him some tonight, though, and beats on Angle before slapping on an anklelock. Angle taps, but The Undertaker runs in, whips some ass, and chokeslams everyone.

 

Damn, twenty minutes for THAT? Rock's usually gold on the mic, but if all he's going to do is insult people and suck up to overrated musicians, I'd rather not see it, thanks.

 

Test (with Chris-TIAN and Lance Storm) vs The Real Mr Ass. Rikishi pounds Test on the floor before the bell. Into the steps goes Test, and again. In the ring, Test spins the fat man around with a clothesline. Rikishi buttdrops Test and does a BELLY-to-belly. Storm sneaks in and gets superkicked. Test actually lifts Rikishi for the Meltdown, which gets 2. Big boot misses, and Rikishi hits a superkick. Test lifts his knees on a Banzai Drop, but Rikishi gets a Samoan Drop for the pin at 2:00. WTF? I hate matches that end with pedestrian transition moves. The Canadians beat on Rikishi until Edge and Hogan make the save. Hmm, I smell an insta-feud match for the PPV. The only question is when Edge turns on Hogan to join the new Team Canada. 1/10

 

After the break, Vince gets his old lecher act on with Yummy Stacy. Jericho comes in to mention the Canadian-American tension, so Vince talks him into giving up his Vengeance match so Hogan and Edge can defend the belts against our northern neighbors. So what’s Jericho going to do?

 

Earlier today, Jaime Noble, Nidia, and Tajiri yuk it up at a buffet.

 

Cruiserweight Tag Match: Jamie Noble and Tajiri (with Nidia) vs The Hurricane and Billy Kidman. Noble takes a cheap shot at Hurricane, so Kidman ranas him for his troubles. Hurricane comes in, and Kidman tosses Noble into a powerbomb. That was a cool spot. Helms kicks Noble in the head for 2. Noble hits what I guess would be a pumphandle fallaway slam. Tajiri comes in and sets Helms up for the corner baseball slide to the face. Tajiri gos for the handspring elbow, but Helms shows he was watching the girls wrestle earlier by countering with a kick to the back. Tags all around, and Kidman is in house afire mode. Tajiri tries a Tarantula, but Kidman counters. Noble dumps him and goes for a tope, but Kidman moves and Tajiri gets hit. Kidman tosses Noble back in and goes for the Shooting Star Press, but Nidia crotches him. Noble goes up, but Kidman comes down with a super powerbomb for the pin at 3:08. It’s a shame they gave this only three minutes. Maybe if they didn’t waste 20 minutes promoting a shitty movie sequel and sucking up to hip-hop stars, there could have been more time for matches like this. 4/10

 

After the break, Rock confuses Marc Lloyd for Coach, and hilarity ensues.

 

Main Event,Tag Match: The Internet Hates Jericho and Kurt Angle vs John Cena and The Undertaker. Taker and Jericho start. UT goes for Angle, so Jericho jumps him and wails away. UT clotheslines Jericho and beats on him in the corner. Cena comes in to continue the beatings. The heels double-team Cena as UT and the ref discuss the finer points of motorcycle maintenance. Jericho tries to whip Angle into Cena, but Cena moves and Angle goes into the post. Cena DDT’s Jericho and tosses him. He beats on Angle, but Kurt whips him right into a Jericho missile dropkick. Anglesuplexes Cena for 2 and hits the overhead belly-to-belly. Jericho snapmares Cena over and dropkicks him in the head. Angle back suplexes Cena and slaps on a front facelock. Cena fights out but gets pounded down. Cena powerslams Angle, setting up tags all around. UT cleans house. He goes to chokeslam Angle, but Jericho breaks it up and bumps the ref in the process. UT boots Jericho and goes for the Last Ride, but Angle performs Finisherus Interruptus with an Olympic Slam. Jericho covers for 2. UT double clotheslines the heels and dumps Angle. Cena tags in, and greets Jericho with a spinebuster for 2. Jericho hits the bulldog, but UT decks him on the Lionsault, and Cena rolls him up for the pin at 6:21. It’s good to see Cena finally get a win against the stars they’ve been pairing him up against. Decent enough match, if on the short side for a main event. 4/10

 

After the bell, UT beats on Angle outside the ring, while Jericho gets revenge on Cena. Taker boots Jericho out, but falls victim to a German suplex from Angle. The Anglelock is countered, and UT goes for the Last Ride. That’s countered, and UT ends up putting a dragon sleeper on Angle, who taps. Rock runs in and drops UT with a Rock Bottom. Angle beats on Rock, but Rock turns the tide and nails him with the Rock Bottom, too. There’s your official send-the-fans-home-happy finish.

 

 

Doing The Math: Not a bad show, but not as good as their efforts the past couple weeks. Smackdown has done a good job focusing on the wrestling recently, so a 20-minute promo that doesn’t do anything is inexcusable. When they did have wrestling, I had to sit thru Rikishi AND Mark Henry in the same night, which is getting to be just about unbearable. There were no exceptional matches tonight, or even one that was particularly good, but the women’s match was a pleasant surprise, and three other perfectly watchable matches is enough for me to give this one a slight nod to the good side. Overall (not an average): 5.5/10

 

Dr. Tom