The Dames' Diatribe on WWE Judgment Day 2002

[Guest TSMAdmin]

WWE Judgment Day 2002

 

Before I recap the event, I’d like to take the time out to introduce myself to you guys a bit. Name is Damian Gonzalez, but I’m known in most Internet circles (well, not that many) as The Dames. I’m a 21 year old Puerto Rican from the Bronx who has been watching wrestling for as long as I can remember…and I have a good memory. I’d tell you more, but seeing as how I want to get this recap up before someone can spoil the Survivor finale for me, it’ll have to do for now.

 

We start off with Sunday Night Heat where its William Regal v. D’Lo Brown for the European title. I’m including this because in all likelihood it’ll be on the DVD and should have been on the PPV to begin with! Think about it, most likely, it’ll get 5-7 minutes on Heat so why can’t you just shave off some of the minutes from the suck-fest that will be Hogan-Taker and put this on the PPV? Hmm…match starts at quarter to 8, so maybe it will have enough time, but it sure as hell didn’t have enough build up to it. Come on, not ONE promo about this match, even after D’Lo attacked Regal on Raw a few weeks back?? Pathetic.

 

They lockup and there’s a clean break. “Regal Sucks” chant by the fans. Forearm shots by Regal followed by some babyface offense from D’Lo. Few near falls before D’Lo drops his pop-worthy legdrop, which is better than Hogan’s. Regal back on offense boring the audiences in the process. The only moves that I like out of Regal are the Regal Stretch, Cobra Neckbreaker, butterfly powerbomb & the cool half-nelson suplex he’s been pulling out lately. Babyface comeback by D’Lo quickly ended. Another “Regal sucks” chant. Holy Fuck! D’Lo just busted out that “fallaway slam into swinging Rock Bottom” move he used on Heat a few weeks back for 2. Regal crotches D’Lo on the top rope and then rolls him up holding the tights for the clean win. 8 minutes & a clean win…I’m proud. BTW, all of my post-match opinions will be kept to myself until the Reaction Roundtable, which will happen shortly after the PPV.

 

The PPV is officially underway and WWE/New Line Cinema recycles its Judgment Day 2000 promo with the little girls for this year’s intro. One of the weaker intros as of late, but this year has a pretty cool stage set.

 

Rob Van Dam vs. Eddie Guerrero for the Intercontinental Title.

 

Why is the IC title seemingly opening every PPV these days? One of these guys should really hold this belt for a long period of time and get it over again because right now, it’s worth nothing. RVD has some pretty cool tights tonight as JR gives us all another one of his infamous quips. He claims RVD has “Honor Roll feet” because they’re way past just having an education.

 

Some shit talking & shoving to start the match up. RVD with some early offense as Eddy (spelled that way to make it easier on my ass) bails out to some heel heat. “RVD” chant as Lawler goes on about how this match is supposed to be about who has the better frogsplash. Um…wasn’t that the last PPV? In a nice spot, RVD fakes Eddy out by going for a 2nd rope crossbody and while Eddy ducks, he hits the brand-extended moonsault! 360-degree legdrop & tilt a whirl slam for 2. RVD with some psychology(!), focuses on the back with some kicks to the kidneys and attempts a surfboard. Guerrero blocks it the first few times, so RVD elbows him right in the kidneys and again and puts it on. RVD puts Eddy in a PHAT cover attempt while in the surfboard for a near fall. Eddy takes over with some stomps & chokes. RVD hits some weak-ass punches and Eddy takes over, rightfully so. Eddy takes his usual monkey-flip bump twice in the matter of a minute! Stungun, then rolling thunder for 2 for RVD. Eddy with a nice rollup counter to a suplex. RVD recovers and attempts a 5-Star, but gets crotched on the way up and eats a powerbomb instead! Eddy goes for his froggy, but eats nothing but canvas and I’m fearing for his elbows. Both guys get up slowly and stare each other down from opposite ends of the ring. Eddy “heats” up and they start a long irish whip sequence ending with a stiff crossbody. RVD with a backslide for 2. He attemps a wheel kick, but Eddy counters that with a backslide with his feet on the ropes for the win! Rudo Eddy rules and not just cuz I’m Latin. Latino….Heat!

 

In the back, D’Von is leading Deacon Bautista, Stacy & Vince in prayer but he takes too long so Vince speeds up the Amens. D’Von tells Vince that he spoke to Bubba and he said he wasn’t going to show, so of course, he will.

 

Trish Stratus v Stacy Keibler for the Women’s Championship.

 

Howard Finkle just stares down Trish during the intros…I don’t know why I noticed that. D’Von & Deacon come down to ringside & whaddya know, here comes Bubba. Told you. Phantom wheel kick to start (as in…didn’t connect) and I can tell this is going to be GREAT! Backdrop for 2 before Trish comes back with two clotheslines and the Walls of Stratusfaction. Pinfall sequence, ala Jerry Lynn/RVD, obviously rehearsed. Tantrum by Stacy on the outside, so Bubba laughs at her and gets her 5 fingers across his face as a result. With the commotion on the outside distracting the ref, Deacon comes in and bodyslams Trish. Stacy comes back in and attempts the pinfall for 2. Trish is a damn good seller, I’ll give her that. Albert-like Bicycle Kick by Trish, clothesline for the Deacon followed by a botched bulldog for the 3! D’Von and Bubba both enter the ring and they shake hands. Deacon attacks Bubba and D’von hits a clothesline on his former tag partner. He immediately pretends to “repent” his sins, but quickly changes his mind and he punches Bubba a few times. Bubba comes back and doesn’t retaliate, he just yells at him and the Deacon hits him the steel collection box that MUST weigh at least 100 lbs (Credit, Michael Cole). D’Von finally gets to tell someone to get the tables and Deacon does and they double flapjack Bubba through it. If they had done a 3D, I’m sure the angle would have gotten just a liiittle bit more over.

 

In Flair’s locker room, Vince comes in and meets with Ric & Arn. They feign friendship as they discuss Austin. Throwaway segment, but one that shows that the owners, just cuz they’re heels doesn’t mean they like each other all of a sudden.

 

The Hardy Boyz v Brock Lesnar & Paul Heyman.

 

The Hardyz are out first and their pop is just anemic these days. Brock comes out and I FINALLY am able to recall who he reminds me of…Ivan Drago. Hardyz doubleteam Brock to start and go after Paul E. Lesnar recovers quickly and bails him out. He catches Jeff in mid air and gives him an Angle-like overhead belly to belly suplex. (b)“Goldberg” (/b)chants start up. God, I hate these idiots. Brock continues to make the Hardyz his man-bitches before making a rookie mistake and putting his head down too early. Matt catches him with a DDT and tags Jeff in. Somersault plancha for 2 and Jeff’s Jawbreaker that they didn’t blow this time. They give Brock Poetry in Motion and go after Paul E. They give him Poetry in Motion too, and are about to set him up for the Swanton before Brock comes in and eats them…no, just kidding. He throws Jeff around like a rag doll, knocks him into Matt and gives him the Spinning TKO. Seeing the Hardyz just dead, Heyman demands to be tagged in and is so excited, he trips on the way in. He gets the pinfall and celebrates as if he won the match singlehandedly. “I did it! I did it!”

 

Mark Loyd with Booker T (wearing the shirt…), asking Booker how he feels about joining the n W o last week. For the record, Microsoft Word doesn’t let me type n W o without spaces for some damn reason. Keeps on changing it to “now”. He says he’s just being a professional and listening to the boss so its all good to him. He sees an attractive woman and starts spitting some game and gets her hotel key for later on that night. Booker’s reaction to his “smoothness” workin’ was great. This reads Goldust all over it.

 

Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Ric Flair & The Big Show

 

They recap the events leading to the match and in it, they show the clip where Big Show was at WWF NY (now The World) holding up some “ugly little kids”. Man, how traumatized is this kid going to be growing up, being called ugly on national television.

 

Show & Flair get separate entrances and they should. Show has newer tights…well, they’re pretty much the same, just with more belly exposes to remind him that he’s just FAT. Lil’ Naitch is the ref again for Flair’s match in a nice little touch. SCSA comes out and doesn’t pose due to the fact that he’s outnumbered in the ring. The match begins and Austin just charges both guys with flurries of punches. Flair actually makes it off of the top rope, but gets a shot in the gut on the way down. He puts the Figure-Four on Show, then Flair before he’s cut off by Show. Austin gets a chair and tries to go into the ring with it, but Lil’ Naitch won’t allow it. Flair is hiding behind Show while they are arguing. Finally, the match settles down and Austin out wrestles Flair. Ric gets frustrated and goes to the outside, so Austin takes some time to get a beer. Back in, Austin takes advantage but HEEL TACTICS~! Turn the tide back to Flair. Two LOUD chops by Flair, counted by 10-“what” chops and Flair flops. 10-“what” punches in the corner and Show is then tagged in to minimal heat. Show with 2 really fucking big overhand chops that make me want to call my mom. Big boot by Show and Flair tags in. Damn, I wish this match was taking place in the early 90’s. Flair “distracts” Lil’ Naitch (like he has to) and low blows Austin. It seemed like Robinson was looking right at it, but its all good, right? Pelvic thrusts for the crowd by Flair. A “Woo” vs “What” chopping war engages with both participants at a stalemate until Flair tries going off the top. I’ll give it to the guy, he’s persistent. Naturally, he’s caught and thrown down. Flair gets the advantage and starts working the leg, tags out to Show and instructs him to do the same. See, that’s how Show can be effective. Flair with a Figya-4 attempt but he’s rolled up for 2. He finally gets it, but Austin eventually “reverses the pressure” Show stops that with a nicely placed elbow. “Woo” vs “What”: Round 2, again a draw. SCSA with a blown spinebuster (Flair’s fault) and another Figya-4 for Flair, but Show once again hits him with an elbow. Austin gets a Lou Thesz press on both men and another spinebuster on Flair for 2. X-pac comes down and causes some heel communication that leads to everyone getting a stunner and Austin wins. The n W o looks really weak right now. Beer celebration like always and Austin sells the leg some more, like a good Rattlesnake.

 

JR & The King send it off to Cole & Tazz who begin recapping Angle/Edge. Hmm, I just realized that all of the matches we’ve had so far were Raw matches. Are Cole & Tazz going to the announce booth? (Trish v Stacy doesn’t count…that’s interpromotional). Well, Angle/Edge’s intros are starting and I hear the King, so I guess not.

 

Kurt Angle v Edge in a Hair vs Hair match.

 

Angle with some new Superman-like tights. Angle with a Front Facelock to start and a break. Nice irish whip sequence and a nearfall for Edge. Edge ties Angle up in the ropes and spears him, goes for another and gets belly to belly’ed over the top rope. “Angle sucks” chant. Angle with a spinebuster, and now everyone has one. The match slows down a bit at this point. Edge with an overhead belly to belly now. This match is going much slower than I anticipated. Edge-O-Matic for 2. Angle with another overhead belly to belly now and that move is rapidly becoming the next DDT, next to the spinebuster. Angle to the outside and Edge with a tope. Edge blocks Angle’s “I see you on the top rope and I’m going to throw you off” spot and missile dropkicks him for a nearfall. Angle with a German suplex to come back. Edge rolls him up during a second attempt for another nearfall. Edge with an X-factor for 2. Edge to the top, but Angle gets his move this time! You know, that really should have been reversed…if Angle had hit it the first time and got it blocked the second, it would have made more sense. Edge with a 2nd rope DDT for 2. Edge spears the ref accidentally and he’s down. Angle with the German Suplex That Kills. You know that one…the one where you land on your FACE. He gets a chair but gets hit with his 8,987th spear. The ref is still down so Edge can’t win..na na na na na. Edge goes for another spear, but gets kicked as the finishing sequence from Backlash is teased, but the Angle Slam is reversed into ANOTHER spear for a nearfall. Angle recovers, spears Edge (better than Edge usually does it, btw), hits the Angle Slam and only gets 2!! He goes for the Ankle-lock but a enziguiri is prescribed by Dr. Edge and he takes his medication. Kurt tries again and gets it this time. Edge pushes him off and rolls him up for the three count!!!! Angle attacks Edge post-match but gets him with the Edgecution DDT. Edge drags Kurt to the barbers chair for the hair cut, but before he can get it, Angle recovers and runs away. I’m pretty damn sure it’ll happen later on.

 

At the Marriott hotel, Booker T is under the covers, ready and waiting for that little hottie to come into bed. She tells him to turn off the lights, so we’re watching total darkness. Just like I thought, Goldust’s voice appears, asking Booker to join him again and Booker runs out, naked. Yes, that’s right, I saw Booker’s ass, but thankfully, there were clothes placed in front of his T.

 

Triple H v Chris Jericho – Hell in a Cell

 

Tazz & Cole hype the match & stress that once you’re in the cell, its “Impossible to get out”. That’s funny, because in nearly every damn HIAC, someone gets out and goes to the top of it and I’m expecting this one to be no different. The only question here is, who will take the Big Bump? This could be a classic….or it could suck. How sad is it that these guys were in the Main Event at Wrestlemania and aren’t the Main Event tonight in a gimmicked match? I hate Hogan, I swear to God.

 

Slugfest to start and HHH hits the INTENSE~! Knee early on. More slugging and the Fastest Move in No Mercy (Jericho’s Flying Forearm) helps him take over. Oh, by the way, the cell has “wrestler-friendly” holes to climb up. Why don’t they just make the match start up there? Looks like Jericho is bleeding from his shoulder hardway and bad. Jericho reverses a pile driver attempt on the steel steps into a sloppy-ass catapult into the cage. Jericho pulls out a ladder…and the fans could give 2 shits about it. That’s just sad. HHH bleeding from the forehead now. Jericho gets a few ladder shots in. Everyone, including myself, is still apathetic. HHH goes into the cage again. HHH uses a chair to the ladder to hit Jericho. A straight chairshot now to Y2J. The ring steps are in now and it looks like Jericho has some trouble picking them up. Jericho charges at HHH with them, but takes a drop toe hold and eats stairs. Jericho recovers and gives Triple H a facebuster into the ladder. HHH hits him with the steps now and rams Y2J into the cage. The ref, Tim White, is bumped into the cage. Jericho gets a chairshot in and there’s no ref, so what does he do? He beats Tim White up some more! Wow…ref bladed! That man is earning his pay. The refs open the cage with bolt cutters to get White out. See, there’s always a way out of that cage. HHH finds his sledgehammer, hits him with it and Y2J goes for the door like a domestic abuse victim. HHH follows Y2J out, but is introduced to the cage door. HHH: “Hey, what’s your name”. Door: “CLANG!” Jericho is bleeding heavily at this point. Wanna bet he starts climbing soon? HHH and Y2J brawl to the announce tables and Jericho tries to Pedigree HHH through one but is spoon fed a DDT. Triple H recovers first and gets a Foley’s 2X4 wrapped in Barb Wire. Ahh….continuity. Upon sight of the weapon, Jericho starts climbing the cage like a roach in the kitchen that just had the lights turned on (Not that I have any  ). Triple H follows of course, but makes the mistake of putting the 2x4 up there before he was and he gets a few shots to the back with it, courtesy of Y2J. Jericho puts him in the Walls on the top of the cage….and a ref climbs the cage to see if HHH submits! Since when can a decision be made outside of the cage? HHH powers out, but Jericho backdrops HHH and everyone gasps…..but he doesn’t go through. HHH gets up, gets the 2x4 and hits Jericho on the TOP OF THE FUCKING HEAD with the 2x4….and he kicks out at 2!!! Why do pinfalls count on the top of the cage!! Pedigree on the top of the cage! No one falls through! HHH wins! No Big Bump, I’m surprised…Come on, not even a ref bump off the top of the cage? Just a thought.

 

Meanwhile, Angle is still trying to get away from Edge. Maven & Torrie are on their date at WWF NY (The World). Man, he’s cheap. Why take her to a place where you don’t have to pay…and she knows that. I’m getting the feeling that they’ll save the hair cutting for the last segment to send the crowd home happy….meaning that Hogan will lose tonight!!

 

Billy & Chuck v Rikishi & A Mystery Partner for the WWE Tag Team Titles

 

The mystery partner is…..RICO!!! I can’t believe that my prediction was right! Damn you bookers! I predicted that as a fucking JOKE! Admit it, this is probably going to be a 3-on-1 squash and so it’ll just be a waste of time. ‘Kishi kicks out of the Fameasser to ZERO pop whatsoever. Yep, he’s over alright. Phantom Diamond Cutter on Billy. Miscommunication by Rico causes Rikishi & Rico to win the tag titles!! WHAT!? Anyway, the title switch had ZERO reaction what so ever. Rikishi dances at the top of the ramp with pyro for a little pop. Man, the tag division is DEAD. Reminds me of PWC (If you don’t know what that is….it’s ok).

 

WWE Confidential debuts this Saturday with….Mean GENE?!?! He’ll talk with Shawn Michaels about Montreal this weekend. Does anyone really care about what he has to say about it now?

 

In the back, Angle ambushes Edge and takes him to the barber to get HIS hair cut instead. THAT would have gotten a great heel reaction, but it would have been bait & switch. Edge recovers and gives Angle a sleeper…and suddenly I’m taken back to Wrestlemania 3 with Piper & Adonis. Edge starts cutting Angle’s hair with a trimmer as the crowd sings “na na na na”. The shaving cream is applied and Angle wakes up to see what was done to his Olympic scalp. Kurt is crying like he LOST in the Olympic games! Wait a second…Dammit, does this mean Hogan retains!? Please God, I’ll give you my dog as a personal sacrifice!!! He’s retarded anyway!

 

The Bane of My Existence, Hulk Hogan v The Undertaker for the WWE World Title.

 

The UT FINALLY has new music…and MAN, it really sucks. I actually prefer "Rollin", wow. Ok, Hogan is out…and the pop isn’t as great as it has been for him. I’m relieved actually. Jesus, I’m going to get epilepsy from his intro if he doesn’t fucking walk to the ring already.

 

Hogan’s in, and he starts to beat Hogan like a dog with his own weightlifting belt! Beat him! HURT HIM!!! Hogan comes back with some punches. Oh, fuck you. Now, he’s whipping UT with the belt. The bell finally sounds and Damn, this will SUCK~!. I don’t think you understand how much I hate Hogan. If he did a Standing Shooting Star Press, I wouldn’t like him. If he saved my family from certain death, I’d still hate him. You know how I have the time to go into this tangent…this match is SLOW. Really fake short punches by Hogan. Why can’t UT just give him an Owen-like Tombstone and end it for good? UT tries the rope-walk, but Hogan crotches him. Mr. Nanny with a Superplex!! UT clips the leg and starts working it. BREAK IT!!! Please… Jesus, he doesn’t even bump right. Finally, Ross slips up and calls it the WWF. Hogan looks a lot like my dog, just older. Hogan with the big boot….goes for the legdrop! Blocked! UT with a half crab! I’m actually falling asleep, sorry guys. UT with a VERY weak chokeslam due to the pure ineptitude of the Suburban Commando. Hogan starts hulking up. Shoot me, now. Big Boot….Legdrop….UT KICKS OUT!!!!! I love the Deadman! UT with a DDT for 2. Vince comes down to ringside while UT gets a chair. UT’s chair plans are foiled and Hogan gets another legdrop, but Vince has the ref distracted! Hogan with a shot to Vince & the legdrop! As the ref gets rid of Vince, Chairshot to Hogan!!! CHOKESLAM!

 

1…2…3!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YES!!! GOD THANK YOU! You can have Tipsy! He’s yours!! I don’t like the mutt anyway!!! My first child will be named Undertaker! Undertaker Gonzalez!!! That’s right!

 

Well, this PPV redeemed itself quickly for me.

 

But wait…its not over. UT w/a chair! “This is for my motorcycle”. He bashes his throat in!!! DO IT AGAIN!!! YES!!!

 

And I’m spent…see you next time.

 

 

The Dames

 

If you want to send me some feedback, you can contact me at: [email protected]

 

If you like Hogan, fuck you. No, seriously...fuck you