WWE Velocity Recap - June 1, 2002

[Guest TSMAdmin]

Welcome to TheSmartMarks’ first recap of the WWE’s fastest new show, Velocity! Now, I know what most of you are thinking: "That guy who reviews those stupid movies is recapping a wrestling show? Uh-oh..." For those that question my credentials, think of Velocity as the "low budget horror film" of the WWE line-up, in that it can’t compete with RAW or Smackdown! due to its lack of budgeted time, big names or great workers (or even cruiserweights this week, since Tajiri, Helms, Kidman, and even Chavo were already on Smackdown!), and that for those reasons only one person is watching it and giving it a fair chance (me). See? The fit is natural. OK, not really, but the fact that nobody else would recap Velocity is. So, without further ado, we join Michael Cole and Al Snow in the land of Canadia.

 

Opening Match:

"The World’s Strongest Man" Mark Henry vs. The Godfather w/ No Mo Ho’s

What better way to kick off this supersonic hour than with the world’s SLOWEST hoss himself, Mark Henry? You can bet I’ll be making that joke every week, it’s the main reason I signed up for this column! Michael Cole makes sure to let us know some EXCLUSIVE OFF-CAMERA FOOTAGE is coming soon and remarks that "fans haven’t quite liked The Godfather ever since he gave up the escort service!" No, Michael, the fans haven’t quite liked The Godfather ever since he joined the RTC, only to return and call them escorts. Aren’t you listening to the "We want ho’s!" chant? Anyway, Mark Henry starts off with a shove and mocks the goggles The Godfather used to wear. This leads to the awe that is right hands, until Mark Henry hoists The Godfather over his shoulders, sticks out an arm, and runs around in circles. Uhhh... OK. The Godfather slips out, but because Mark Henry is THE WORLD’S STRONGEST MAN, Henry hoists him over his shoulders and does it again, this time slamming The Godfather down on his back. The Godfather rolls out of the ring, Mark Henry picks him up onto the apron and goes to club the chest, but The Godfather gives him a guillotine/neckbreaker while going off the apron, a fairly cool spot (best of the match at least) which reminds me of a Diamond Cutter (I miss you DDP!). The Godfather works the legs, but because Mark Henry is THE WORLD’S STRONGEST MAN he doesn’t have to sell it! The Godfather goes for a pin after a shoulder block off the Irish whip, but Mark Henry kicks out WITH AUTHORITY~! Henry clotheslines The Godfather so that he’s resting on the second rope, and does some weird Bronco Buster-ish move and falls through the ropes to the outside. Henry is back in the ring, the end is near... whip, whip, BEARHUG?! The Godfather taps to a BEARHUG?!

And da winnah is...: Mark Henry, submission. I know the guy can’t do much, but surely they can stick him with something better for a submission finisher. Seriously, a BEARHUG?! Hogan’s return set off some sort of wrestling de-evolution, I swear...

 

wh00! COMMERCIALS!

 

Recap:

Undertaker vs. Randy "Lil’ Cowpoke" Orton

I’m not going to recap a recap, although I will say that if Trips wants a title shot with ‘Taker, but Trips lost to Test that night, wouldn’t that make Test the more worthy contender? I want to see Test vs. Undertaker at King of the Ring! Hunter deserves a title shot? You TRIPin’... you can bet I’ll be making that joke every week as well, it’s the other reason I signed up for this column! Somewhere in the midst of this, Cole shills for the EXCLUSIVE OFF-CAMERA FOOTAGE coming later.

 

wh00! MORE COMMERCIALS!

 

Mid-Card Match

Albert vs. Hugh Morrus

OK, now there are two people watching Velocity: myself and buffybeast. Albert and Hugh Morrus exchange those thrilling right hands, until Albert whips Morrus into the corner and chops him. Not to be outdone, Morrus whips Albert into the other corner and chops HIM! Albert goes for more chops on Morrus but Hugh Morrus actually GETS IN A MOVE (even if it is just a bodyslam)! 1...2... Albert kicks out, but alas, lacking AUTHORITY~! Albert switches to squash mode, missing a superplex but kicking Hugh Morrus in the head after Morrus misses an axe handle off the top. Albert picks Morrus up and puts him in… an ABDOMINAL STRETCH?! Damn this Hogan-induced spontaneous de-evolution! Damn it all to hell! Thankfully, the ref sees Albert’s arm grabbing the top rope and breaks the hold, and Morrus gets a couple shoulder-blocks and ANOTHER MOVE (a pretty sweet German suplex, I might add)! 1...2... Albert kicks out again. Hugh Morrus goes up top for a No Laughing Matter moonsault, but Albert rolls out of the way. Buffy’s cheering as I’m tearing my hair out. At least we’re reacting, since the crowd is dead. Albert suddenly realizes he let Morrus get TWO moves in a squash, and gives Morrus the Baldo Bore for the three-count.

And da winnah is...: Albert, pinfall. Michael Cole quickly informs us, however, that "both men were winners in this match-up". How’s that? Albert’s going nowhere fast as usual, and Hugh Morrus is a jobber to the jobber to the midcard. That’s not funny...

 

wh00! EVEN MORE COMMERCIALS!

 

Recap:

Kurt Angle vs. Edge... in a STEEL CAGE!!!!

Of course they don’t show the Angleslam off the top rope spot, silly, that would make the recap worth watching. Oh man, I sure can’t wait to see the EXCLUSIVE OFF-CAMERA FOOTAGE that’s coming soon! Angle escapes the cage (when was the last time you saw that?), only for Hulk Has-been to lumber down to the ring, open the door and toss him back in. The scary thing is those crazy Canucks were cheering! How is it OK to screw a "heel", but not a "face"? Damn double standards... then again, Mark Henry got a monster pop earlier, so maybe they’re playing some sick joke on us smark viewers. Anyway, Edge pins Angle after a top-rope spear, which I’ll have to admit looks better than a regular spear. Even though he’s not my favorite wrestler, if he can put on matches like this with the other main-eventers consistently I really won’t mind seeing Edge in the Main Event that much.

 

EXCLUSIVE OFF-CAMERA FOOTAGE TIME~!:

Whoa, wait a minute... if this is "off-camera" footage, who filmed it? It sure doesn’t look like any bootleg audience cam to me. Anyway, this is nothing special, just Hulk Has-been teaching his taunts to Edge. Isn’t that nice, he’s helping the new generation learn how to get huge face pops without being able to back it up in the ring (look for Edge to debut his Over the Edge Legdrop next week). Somehow I was expecting an Angle/Vince two-on-one assault, but silly me, that would make the segment worth watching. Is this going to be a regular segment on Velocity? It’s kind of like how on movie shoots they go to all the trouble of shooting useless footage just for the DVD. What was the point of this? Oh, so Cole can tell us Velocity will still be running (not runnin’, mind you, but running) wild, brother, after the break. Cole, don’t EVER do that again.

 

wh00! COMMERCIALS RUNNIN’ WILD BROTHER! Damn it Cole, now you got me doing it...

 

The Main Event:

Reverend D’Von vs. Big Valbowski

Hey, there are "Testify!" signs in the audience! Right on! D’Von’s got slightly altered music with gospel choruses too. Mic in hand, he reminds us sinners to contribute to The D’Von Building Fund, because you know what they say, "A dollar today means salvation tomorrow!" (hey, that doesn’t rhyme!). Unlike the first few times he had to pass the collection box, Deacon Batista looks bored as hell, and really not into it. He just lumbers around; a fan has to literally throw their money at him (which makes me wonder, is this really D’Von’s and Batista’s tip jar? If they didn’t get to keep it I can see why they’re upset). D’Von’s getting a good response, until he pulls out the dreaded American vs. Canadian nationalism tool and demands a second donation because he doesn’t like "Canadian discount money". Val’s music hits to remind us there is, in fact, a match tonight, and D’Von starts us out with some amazing right hands! Their execution was divine. Both men exchange whips and knock-downs, but Val follows up with an elbow drop, knee drop, and chops. Val gives D’Von a neckbreaker as a "we want tables!" chant starts. A standing ten count ensues, but luckily those never work, and Val delivers arm-drags! Val works the legs…

 

...we interrupt this match and recap to bring you this important message: wh00! STILL MORE COMMERCIALS! And now, back to our match...

 

D’Von is selling the leg, and Val applies a submission to the legs, but wouldn’t you know it, the Deacon was engaging in deep theological discussion with the referee so the ref didn’t see D’Von tap. At least he found the way, as Valbowski (I hate typing that) finds himself on the floor, as D’Von knocks him down, leaves the ring, and gives him a back-stretch around the ring-post. Pretty nice almost-submission spot, but like Tajiri’s Tarantula, D’Von could never win with it, as he’s committing the hold from an illegal position outside the ring. Back in the ring, the hold is broken and Valbowski with ANOTHER RIGHT HAND, as he bounces off the ropes only to be met with D’Von’s spinning head-BUTT (Cole calls it a spinning elbow, but it always looked like he connected more with the head to me). D’Von covers, 1...2...but wait! Val’s foot is on the ropes. You can be tossed back into a cage, but by golly, you can’t have your foot on the ropes! Not on THIS brand! Cole with a bit of a slur, as he tells us that "[smackdown! and Velocity] deliver each and evwy week" That’s wight Cole, huh huh huh huh. D’Von gives his "last rites" taunt and goes for a powerbomb, but Val flips out (YOU CAN’T POWERBOMB... oh sorry, that phrase is licensed for cruiserweights only). D’von is hung up on the top rope, Val delivers elbows, a clothesline, and another neckbreaker. He also covers, 1...2...kick out! Val goes for his old finisher, the fisherman’s suplex, 1...2...another kick out! D’Von catches Val off guard in the corner and goes for a top-rope neckbreaker and covers Val, 1...2...Val kicks out of that one too. It’s false finisher fun for everyone! D’Von misses his top-rope headbutt (he needs Batista to yell "WHASSUUUP?!" and hold the legs), and Val gives him a wicked spinebuster sit-down variation into the pin. 1…2…another kickout?! I thought the Canadians always went over in Canada. So does Val, so he’s understandably a little angry. His anger gets the best of him, as he knocks D’Von into the referee (whew, I thought for a minute there we were going to have a WWE show with no ref bump!). D’Von whips Val into the ropes, and Batista is there to catch him and knock him upside the head with the steel tip jar for the three-count. The crowd erupts in boo’s, and I swear those were louder than anything I heard on Smackdown!

And da winnah is...: Reverend D’Von, pinfall. Hallelujah! Great match too; better than anything Bubba’s put out thus far in singles competition.

 

Whew, what a night! For next week, I hope we can trade the hoss matches to Smackdown! for the cruiserweight tag matches, but nothing too unbearable this week. What I really want to know is what you thought of my writing. I’ve never written a wrestling column before, so I might try different approaches and go with what worked best. This week I chose a more traditional play-by-play with commentary within approach. If you liked this, let me know. If you really liked it, buy me something (hey, if Cole can shill every week, why can't I?). If you disliked it, don’t hesitate to let me know and give me suggestions, via the board or e-mail. Also, I’d like to add I never expected it to be this long, but then again, unlike a DVD review, I can give everything away and exhaustingly dissect the entire show without worrying about "spoilers".

 

Edward Robins

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