An Exercise in Poor Taste - Mummy Raider

October 3, 2002

For as long as there have been stories on film, there have been pornographic spoofs of those stories. For every Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde, there is The Adult Version of Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde. For every Goonies, there is a Poonies, and for every Saving Private Ryan, a Saving Ryan’s Privates. With Tomb Raider, a disappointing summer movie based on a video game whose popularity solely rested on the fact that lots of lonely geeks thought its main character Lara Croft was one hot piece of pixel, it should come as no surprise to anyone that Seduction Cinema (known for its Erotic Witch Project spoofs, the third of witch [pun intended!] is in production) would throw together a patented lame, cheesy "erotic spoof". As sad as this may sound, Tomb Raider is perhaps the only example where its lame, cheesy "erotic spoof" is better than the original film.

Mummy Raider: Collector’s Edition DVD (2002)

Seduction CINEMA / ei Independent Cinema

Film (complete with… this film has a plot to spoil?):

During the Nazi exploitation film era, the popular image of Nazi women was the "Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS" image of tough, sexually repressed Aryan prison guards doing their part to recreate the Third Reich. Our film’s resident sexually repressed Aryan prison guard, Dr. Humboldt, goes one step further, by kidnapping Kristen, daughter of a Professor (who was also kidnapped), in order to resurrect a mummy that will help a FOURTH Reich (not Third Reich, mind you, that’s got a bad P.R. title) rise to conquer the world. Thankfully, our film’s resident attractive lesbian gun-slinger, Misty Mundae, is here to save the day!

Where to begin? Given that this is an "erotic spoof", the majority of the plot devices involve sex. In order to get Kristen to awaken the mummy, Dr. Humboldt doesn’t threaten her life or even the life of her father (though, given the porno mentality, she DOES submit him to the "torture" of making out with and fondling his daughter). Rather, she gets the desired information by threatening to use a billy club, and not for beating (I guess that’s supposed to be my job?). Likewise, when explaining how she found the warehouse "Somewhere in Berlin" where the story takes place, Misty explains she and Kristen, being lesbian lovers, have a psychic connection transmitted through blood they shared in "rituals". So THAT explains… nothing…

It’s a good thing that the majority of the plot devices are pornolized, because the rest of the details and devices for the story are just stupid. Whereas in the beginning of the movie and on the back of the box Dr. Humboldt wants to build a Fourth Reich, for the rest of the movie when talking to the mummy (yes, she talks to the mummy, only for it to punch her in the face) and Kristen, she refers to the Third Reich. Not to mention that when Kristen reveals the secret of resurrecting the mummy is in her bracelet, a bracelet magically appears (via cut-away and back) on her wrist, and Dr. Humboldt simply replies along the lines of, "Oh, you mean that bracelet that was on your wrist the whole time?" Oy!

But a stupid/silly plot usually means one thing: laughably bad dialogue. Mummy Raider has that in spades. For example, who can resist lines like:

Kristen: "Mummies don’t understand English, idiot!"

Dr. Humboldt: "Scheizen!" (German for "Shit!"; no sprechen de deutsche, so I know I misspelled it!)

Kristen: "They don’t understand German either, moron!"

[while restrained and watching Dr. Humboldt touch Kristen]

Professor Kleve: "Oh come on, not in front of her father for God’s sake!"

It’s simple, nobody can. The first time I saw this movie, dialogue such as that above, especially combined with the most humorously anti-climactic monster death ever, had me LOL’ing like a school girl on AOL chat. Darian Caine (Dr. Humboldt)’s terrible fake German accent, Kristen’s over-selling, and Misty Mundae’s nonchalant delivery serve to make the dialogue even more funny.

For a film that contains such bad dialogue, however, the action is pretty dead-on. There aren’t any blockbuster wire fu fights or big shoot-outs (come on, the whole thing was shot on one location; you think they had a budget?!), but there is a fair share of Misty and Professor Kleve vs. goons small gunfights. These are funny because, given the pornolized nature of the action, Misty has a "bad habit" of losing her top. One of the goons even takes a small bump, falling onto a crate and rolling off ONTO THE CONCRETE~!

Overall, Mummy Raider is a great guilty pleasure that’s incredibly funny upon first viewing or with friends (or both, in my case), but gets subsequently less and less enjoyable upon further viewings, to the point that I actually fell asleep about ten minutes after starting it, and the only other movie I fell asleep at that early was MI:2 (OK, maybe that’s a bit harsh, Mummy Raider’s not THAT bad). Unlike the real Tomb Raider, it provides what enticed all those lonely geeks to play the video game and get excited over the movie in the first place, nudity, a good share of laughs, and at about 45 minutes, is easier to swallow than sleeping pills during a Mark Henry match.

Body Count (because every good movie has at least one death in it):

Five or six goons (it’s hard to tell because the same guys get disposed of multiple times because of a lack of actors), one mummy, and about a third of my brain cells

Wrestling Moves/References (because in the end, this IS a wrestling site):

Though the real treat is a MUMMIFIED RIGHT HAND~!, there’s also a short catfight near the end of the "movie part", with usual catfight offense of a hair-pull and a lot of rolling around (Misty even yells, "WWF!" during the filming of that sequence in the "behind the scenes" featurette). There’s also a ton of, in the words of Jerry "The Perv" Lawler himself, "PUPPIES, J.R., PUPPIES!!!!" (groan...)

Redeeming Aspects:

Though he’s barely in the film, the mummy costume is actually pretty cool, even though he does look more like a mud monster than a mummy. Plus, the "behind the scenes" segment said it best: "There’s something about a topless girl with a gun."

Presentation:

The film is presented in glorious 4:3 full-frame, with a regular old stereo mix, which is good because instead of old school porno music, Mummy Raider has a really really bad Euro-Trash dance score. Do you really need 5.1 channels of that?

Special Features:

The funny thing is the 35-minute "behind the scenes" segment and 10-minute "outtakes" segment, put together, are as long as the film itself. The "behind the scenes" segment shows (unfortunately not in chronological order) the cast and crew messing around, setting up shots, and rehearsing all the different scenes in the movie. If it had the casting call, it’d be "Softcore Filmmaking 101". The quality varies; depending on the cameraman, sometimes the camera can be very shaky, and the film stock switches back and forth from actual film like the type used in the final cut, to $1.50 discount camcorder tapes.

As if that weren’t enough, there’s also the "featurette" (which, at around 25-30 minutes, is also almost as long as the main feature) starring Misty Mundae and Esmerelda DeLarocca (Kristen). Mummy Raider is bad, but this film is just terrible. It mostly consists of two friends talking on the phone, obviously faking it (even in the "lesbian sex scenes", the actresses are clearly rubbing their head on the hip/belly button area instead of the real thing). I’ll never get that time wasted watching it back... why, I could’ve spent it doing something constructive like watching half of Demonicus again, or posting on the Smarkboard.

Far more enjoyable are the trailers for other Seduction CINEMA titles: The Erotic Witch Project ("I’m sorry, I’m so horny right now!"), The Erotic Witch Project 2: Book of Seduction (featuring a man dressed as a gorilla breaking out of a cage and being shot... uhhh... OK), Gladiator Eroticvs (General. Warrior. Lesbian.), Erotic Survivor, TITanic 2000, Erotic Ghost, and Vampire’s Seduction. Like the feature, they’re hilarious the first few viewings (especially EWP2, because of its total lack of any sensibility or connection to the film it’s supposed to be spoofing), and not as funny but still worth a laugh on subsequent viewings. At least Seduction CINEMA knows we’re not supposed to take any of it seriously, since they’re really only pushing for one thing in their films anyway...

Finally, there are two music videos, which aren’t worth mentioning. One, Velvet Vimoz’ "Boy", is an uninteresting video with a bunch of DJ’s with the word "Boy" printed on their shirt and equipment. This song is from the score and menus, which means it’s more terrible Euro-Trash bad dance music (it’s no U2, that’s for DAMN sure!). The other music video is titled "Mummy Raider Music Video", is simply some of the fight scenes slopped together while somebody tries to figure out how to use the editing equipment. A lot of it is the same as in the final picture, where it’s very distracting but still OK. By itself, it’s just distracting, and really annoying.

Overall:

This movie surprised me. It’s really a fun movie in its own way, and delivers where the original Tomb Raider could not. There’s still some flaws with it, and it loses a lot of its fun on the second-go-round when watched alone, but when watched with friends this has a potentially infinite shelf-life.

...oh, and for those of you who are into that stuff, there’s about 20 minutes of girl on girl on girl action. Yea, I didn’t think you’d be interested either, but I just thought I’d mention it.

Hey, I’ve decided to make one of those DVD Aficionado web-list things. It’s probably not as big as your DVD collection (especially not yours C.H.U.D.), but you can always help fix that by *cough* buying me something to show your appreciation. Anyway, my DVD Aficionado list is located here, and if you see anything on there that you’d like reviewed, I’ll do that, in a sort of modified request system. Of course, if you buy me something I’ll still honor any request too, but what is the likelihood of that happening? You can just show me your appreciation (or criticism, who knows) the old fashioned way by e-mailing me or posting a note on the boards.

Edward Robins

[email protected]

DVDaficionado.com list

Amazon.com wishlist

"To me, bad taste is what entertainment is all about... [just] remember there is such a thing as good bad taste and bad bad taste." – John Waters