Guest TSMAdmin Report post Posted October 3, 2002 Welcome to TheSmartMarks’ second edition of the as yet untitled Velocity recap! I gave blood today, so I’m a bit tired, and thus can’t provide a long, semi-pertinent introduction like in my DVD reviews, so without further ado: Taped from Oklahoma City, it’s Saturday Night! Kick it into hyper-drive; it’s time for the WWE’s fastest show, Velocity! Opening Match Test, "The Man Who Should Be #1 Contender" vs. Randy "Lil’ Cowpoke" Orton What? There’s no Mark Henry opening the show tonight? He must be in mourning after fellow HOSS War Emblem lost at Belmont this afternoon to Sarava, HOSS #12 (in an 11-HOSS race?). Instead we have Test, the man who beat the #1 contender, and thus should get the title shot at King of the Ring (come on, it’s not like the main event would be any worse). Anyhow, he starts by flattening the resident rookie jobber with right hands and a mudhole stomping. Test tosses Orton over the top rope, but is distracted by the ref and Orton comes back in from behind to return the favor with a drop-kick. Test reverses an Irish whip and clotheslines Orton. A "Test sucks!" chant finally erupts, and Test shows he deserves it by repeating the spot. Test misses an elbow drop and Orton with a DDT! All right, real offense! Orton dodges a charge, and follows up with some of his own thrilling right hands and knock-downs! He shows he doesn’t suck though, by going up to the top rope and coming down with a cross-body for 1...2...kick-out! Test hits the pump handle slam (which is really a much better finisher than the big boot) for 1...2...Orton kicks out and dodges the big boot (whew!), and gives Test the... well, I honestly don’t know what the move is, but it looks to be a modified Fameasser (?!). It really doesn’t matter what the move is though, since Test kicks out to give the Lil’ Cowpoke a reverse neckbreaker for 1...2...3! And da winnah is... Test, pinfall. Hey, at least it’s a better finisher than the big boot, a move so plain that it doesn’t even deserve to be capitalized. After putting on such a great match with the Undertaker on Smackdown two weeks ago (yes, the words "great match" and "with the Undertaker" can actually be used truthfully to describe that match), it’s a bit sad to see Randy Orton being degraded to jobber to the midcard already. Mini-Recap Apparently Linda and Ivory don’t get along too well, so Vince set up a match between the two as our Main Event tonight. You’d better believe I marked out on Smackdown when Vince name-dropped MY show, VELOCITY! wh00! COMMERCIALS! WWE Burn of the Night The nWo announced a new member on RAW, some young upstart named Shawn Michaels. Yea, I hadn’t heard of him either, but the crowd gave him a decent pop. Boring Midcard Match Godfather w/ No Mo Ho’s vs. Hugh "At Least I Never Tapped to a Bearhug" Morrus Some pre-match insight courtesy of our hosts Michael Cole and Al Snow: "[Hugh Morrus] has all the tools to be successful..." Yea, if he’d be allowed to actually WIN a match! On the other hand, "[the] Godfather is successful." Which explains why he tapped out to a BEARHUG last week, right? Anyhow, Godfather starts us off again with those successful right hands and top-dollar mudhole. Oh yeah... this guy’s a superstar. Godfather Irish whips Morrus, but Morrus hangs onto the ropes to dodge a kick, and clotheslines Godfather out of the ring. Godfather pulls Morrus out, but Morrus responds with right hands that have all the tools to be successful but really aren’t, which explains why Morrus just tosses him back in. Those "I knock you out of the ring just to throw you back in" spots are so pointless. Morrus dodges more of Godfather’s offense and gets him into the corner for a 10-punch. He gets up to six before Godfather shoves him off, to give him what Al Snow calls the "organized crime kick". Eh, why not. Godfather clotheslines Morrus, and covers for 1...2...hahaha yea right, Morrus isn’t that low to job to a clothesline (yet). After an exchange of successful and unsuccessful right hands, Morrus lands a powerslam and a backdrop, going for a cover each time, and Godfather kicking out both times. Morrus whips Godfather into a corner and charges but Godfather gets a boot to the face, and tries to pin with his feet on the ropes, but is so damn slow at putting his feet up that the ref easily spots him. Which is good, because otherwise we’d miss another clothesline, this time WITH AUTHORITY~! Godfather remembers he has no ho’s, or even escorts, and thus no longer has the Ho Train as a finisher, so he grabs a chair, and while the ref is tossing that out, sneaks in a cane shot for the 1...2...3. And da winnah is... Godfather, pinfall. At least he’s using that pimp cane for something now that he’s no longer a pimp. Must have cost him a fortune... huh? The match? Oh, it was bad. Has Hugh Morrus ever gone over in his WWF/E career? Even once? wh00! MORE COMMERCIALS! WWE Rewind During the cage match two weeks ago on Smackdown, Edge steals the win over Kurt Angle (this is true for once, because Angle made it out of the cage) after a spear from the top turnbuckle. The Anglo-Saxon-lympic Slam off the top turnbuckle was a much cooler spot though. Recap Edge landed wrong from his top-turnbuckle spear and is now out for a while. Bummer. What more can I say about this match? This was the most awesome promo I’ve seen all year, and though I’m still no Edge-head, I can finally see him working himself into a main eventer. Jericho was great as always, but he’s Conspiracy Victim 2K2, he’ll never get out of the midcard again... wh00! EVEN MORE COMMERCIALS! Exciting (Read: Cruiserweight) Midcard Match Chavo "I'm Related to the Gobbledygooker!" Guerrero Jr. vs. Sho "FNK" Funaki If this column isn’t on time, blame this match. I’ve never had to recap a cruiserweight match before; this is going to take a while (three viewings of the match, with five rewinds, to be exact). FNK tries to get the crowd behind him, and the guy with the ONE KAIENTAI SIGN raises it proudly, but the rest of the crowd is dead. The two lock-up (what, no right hands?) and the result is a snap dragon on FNK. Chavo with the cruiserweight equivalent of right hands, the arm-drag, and another arm-drag, and another, and… FNK breaks the pattern with a drop-toe hold, only to repeat it with arm-drags of his own! Chavo fakes leaving the ring, and FNK gets tired of waiting for him and turns his back, and Chavo proves himself a dastardly old-school heel by hitting a man when his back is turned! He even whips FNK into the turn-buckle to shoulder-block and drop-kick him in the back... that dastardly Chavo! Chavo whips FNK into the corner, but misses a follow-up splash and FNK hits a bulldog. Chavo with a… damn, that’s two moves so far this show I don’t know. For a move description, Chavo pulls FNK off the ropes, and slams FNK straight down so he lands face-first. That gets 1...2...kickout! Snow & Cole talk about the Guerrero family legacy. Chavo’s uncle is RAW’s Eddie Guerrero, and his other uncle is Hector Guerrero, the man in the Gobbledygooker suit. Of course they don’t actually say that, but it would be fun if they did, wouldn’t it? Back to the match, FNK with RIGHT HANDS (damn, they’ve even invaded cruiserweight matches!), but Chavo reverses into an abdominal stretch. Hey, they’re not flipping, or even flopping... I thought cruiserweight matches only had cool spots? The two lock up again, and the result is Chavo being thrown to the outside, and FNK diving over the top rope after him. Now THAT’s what a cruiserweight match is supposed to have! Back in the ring, and Chavo flips over and out of a backdrop and grabs FNK from behind, but FNK scores with an enzuigiri for 1...2...kickout! Chavo hits a pretty sweet move where he lifts up FNK as if it were a powerbomb, then slams him onto his knee for a backbreaker. Since I don’t know the proper name for this move, I’ll call it a POWER-backbreaker! Chavo covers, 1...2...kickout? Boooo! hey, FNK with a roll-up! 1...2...hahahaha you didn’t really think they’d let him win would you? Chavo reverses what looked like a Dragon Sleeper into the Brainbuster for 1...2...3! And da winnah is... Chavo Guerrero Jr., pinfall. That wasn’t half as hard to recap as I thought it would be. Best comments of the match (and the night): Michael Cole: "Funaki [has a] big background of wrestling in Japan." Al Snow: "Fancy that, considering he’s Japanese!" A great job by both men, as usual. Probably the match of the night. Backstage Segment In a really bad interview/backstage segment, Jackie asks Linda if she could be in her corner for the main event, and the only way what’s going to happen could be any more obvious is if she followed up with "Linda, would you mind if I interfered in your match?" wh00! STILL MORE COMMERCIALS! Recap Battle Royal Boredom. I’d rather see the rightful #1 contender, Test, face Undertaker at King of the Ring than HHH OR Hogan. Who cares about this "controversial" finish leading to main event match B.S.? This just proved that any fool can win a battle royal. Honestly, if a match that was headlining a PPV two months ago is now headlining free TV, there’s not much hope for HHH’s upcoming title run (at least Undertaker can work with Tommy Dreamer and Jeff Hardy in a Triple Threat "Revenge Against the Bully" match if need be). wh00! YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MANY COMMERCIALS! The Main Event "Poison" Ivory vs. Linda "Tough Enough 2 Champ #1" Miles w/ "Tough Enough 2 Champ #2" Jackie Wow, Linda’s entrance music sure is crappy. It’s not a bad song, per se, but it doesn’t have that instant catchy hook like Maven’s Tough Enough 1 theme or even Edge’s "Never Gonna Stop" that an audience can be trained to pop for within the first few notes. Ivory starts the match by bitch-slapping Linda and putting her in what looks like a modified STF. After about 15-20 seconds in the hold, Linda reverses into a leg-scissors chokehold, and then they repeat the spot. I don’t have much hope for this match. Ivory hits a shoulder-block but Linda is up with an arm-drag. Groan... Ivory gets Linda with a drop toe-hold and some stomping. Linda misses that Tough Enough/rookie stand-by, the dropkick, and Ivory, in the tradition of Hulk Has-been, capitalizes with a legdrop, sister! Ivory completes Linda’s Tough Enough training by showing her how to actually hit a dropkick, and cover for 1...2...kickout! Linda responds with a big boot, clothesline, and stalling suplex (!!!). She covers for 1...2...Ivory kicks out?! Damn, this match picked up fast! Linda hits a back body drop and goes up to the top, but Ivory rushes in for an attempted superplex, only to get knocked off by Linda. Jackie, in a turn that was obvious to everyone but Linda, gets up and shoves Linda off, and Ivory hits her version of the Pedigree (sorry, I don’t know its proper name) for the 1...2...3! And da winnah is… Ivory, shady pinfall. The match started off a bit slow, but by the end I was really impressed. As much as I rag on Tough Enough for its contestants "not paying dues", Linda had a hell of a first match, for not having had any wrestling experience before the show (or maybe she did? I don’t actually watch Tough Enough so I have no idea). She’s already better than Maven, even if he has better entrance music. From what I saw tonight, though, I’d say send Jackie to OVW for a while like Nidia... she was WAY too slow with her interference. I hope Jazz gets better soon, I can’t wait to see what kind of matches a Jazz vs. Linda feud would bring... the best WWE women’s matches ever? Probably! The first two matches were typical job-to-the-midcarders fare and a little dull, but the show really picked up with the cruiserweight and women’s match. I seriously can’t remember the last time I saw a women’s match that was that impressive. It’s rather interesting though, that those four matches can be fit comfortably into Velocity, with room to spare for a backstage segment, but this week’s Smackdown, which is twice as long, only had six. Say what you will about b-grade WWE shows, but you get a lot of bang for your buck! As for now, it’s 3AM, and I’m even too tired to shill my Amazon wishlist. Remember, a dollar today means salvation tomorrow! Edward Robins [email protected] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
