WWE Velocity Recap - June 15, 2002

[Guest TSMAdmin]

Hey everyone, first off, I’d like to apologize to anyone who’s e-mailed me in the past few days. A weird bug in the Squirrel Mail system used for e-mail accounts at TheSmartMarks has given me a syntax error for any e-mail with an attachment, or in HTML. I’m not ignoring you, and I appreciate you e-mailing me, I just can’t read it right now.

 

Second off, even though I’ve only been doing this column for a few weeks, I’m already taking a two-week vacation, away from the computer and wrestling to Minnesota and Illinois. I probably won't be at the boards or have any columns over that period (there's still a small chance I'll bring my laptop), so if there are any super-important queries, make sure to PM them to me by tomorrow, since I have to pack and I'm going to RAW on Monday, so I won't get around to reading them then.

 

Third off, I graduated from high school on Thursday. My second set of apologies for the night goes to William Helmick (or, as you probably know him, goodhelmet), as I told him in the early days of the site that I would try not to reveal my age for fear of bias against me by visitors. Sorry Will, but that’s been the greatest accomplishment of my life so far, and I’m obviously very proud of it. If any readers are ignorant enough to stop reading my columns just because I’m 18 and they assume because of my age that I'm immature and wouldn't know what I’m talking about... well, I wouldn’t want them to read my columns anyway. I’m 18 and I like it!

 

This week’s show comes amongst major controversy. The rumors are true; Brian Hebner ruled that Lance Storm was "pinned" when he had a shoulder up! To further prove that there’s something fishy going on, the WWE’s flagship gossip show, Confidential, has NOTHING on this incident at all, instead focusing on some irrelevant incident regarding Steve "I wish I was as cool as Dr. Death" Williams. I smell a conspiracy!

 

That being said, kick it into hyper-drive; it’s time for the WWE’s fastest show, Velocity!

 

Opening Match

Tag Team Championship: B&C w/ Rico vs. "The World’s Slowest Hoss" Mark Henry & Randy "Lil’ Cowpoke" Orton

I don’t know what everyone is talking about with the lack of a credible tag team division. I mean, Henry & Orton have the proven chemistry of, say, Chris Rock & Anthony Hopkins… how could they NOT get over? B&C start us off with a hug, as the crowd boos. Can you feel the love tonight? Henry can’t, as he shoves Chuck through the ropes, brings him back in, and whips him into the corner. Henry misses a running splash, and Chuck opens up with some pretty darn happy right hands. Henry hits a shoulder-block, but Chuck makes the tag to Billy, who wants a piece of Orton (that really doesn't sound right). He gets Orton, and gives him some pretty darn happy right hands of his own! Orton responds with an arm drag, and the rookie staple, the drop kick. Billy DDT’s Orton (what? a real move from Billy Gunn?), and brings in Chuck, who drops the elbow for 1...2...kickout! Chuck whips Orton over for punches in the corner, Henry steps into the ring for no apparent reason but to distract the ref so Billy can get in more (ILLEGAL~!) punches in the corner. Chuck whips, punches, chokes, and Orton breaks the monotony with another real move, a neckbreaker. He tags in Henry, who clotheslines and bodyslams Chuck for 1...2...2.5...Billy breaks it off and clotheslines Orton out of the ring. Rico distracts the ref, leaving Henry open for the Jungle Kick, and for Billy to come in with a Fameasser, and 1...2...3!

And da winnah is... B&C retain via Chuck pinning Mark Henry. Come on... with a tag team that shabby, was there ever any doubt? Michael Cole tells us that Randy Orton "will become a major player [and] a major star", and while it’s true that he was the best worker in this match, I have to wonder, "that’s why he’s tagging with Mark Henry in a make-shift Velocity opener, right?" I found it hard to keep up with such a thrilling opener though, since my eye was on Rico’s snazzy blindingly-bright-green shirt. Every time I saw him I couldn’t help but wonder, "Do Rico and The Hurricane shop at the same store?"

 

Kurt Angle vs. Hardcore Holly is coming later tonight... so I can count on Anglesault and Angle-Plex watching. That makes three viewers this week!

 

wh00! Commercials!

 

Boring Midcard Match

Rikishi w/ "The Buns from Hell" vs. "Buffybeast’s Favorite" Albert

All right, now there’s four viewers this week! Tazz remarks on Rikishi’s "buns from hell", as well as diss Al Snow (oh yea, Tazz took over for Al Snow on commentary this week). Rikishi dodges a clothesline and gives some super Samoan right hands! Hmmm... maybe I should follow Josh Lowmon’s example and stop recapping a match every time I see right hands. Then again, if I did that I’d have no show left to recap. Albert gets in some shots at Rikishi in the corner, and more shots, and Irish whips Rikishi into that HI-larious sunset flip spot. Rikishi is slapping his BUTT… I’ve never seen that before! Actually, given that Albert is such a strong hoss, wouldn’t it make more sense to add a little variety and actually have him use his hoss-strength to actually give Rikishi a sunset flip? Albert picks up Rikishi, and apparently doesn’t have any hoss-strength, because Rikishi falls on him for 1...2...kickout. I don’t get it, how can he be a hoss, and yet have no hoss-strength? After more of those thrilling right hands, Albert hits not one, but TWO splashes, and sends Rikishi outside for not one, but TWO slams onto the ring-steps. He then sends Rikishi back into the ring for not one, but TWO more splashes. He then covers, for not three, but TWO counts. Even more right hands leads to a Samoan Drop (how stereotypical) on Albert from Rikishi, only for Albert to counter with a bicycle kick for 1...2...kickout! Albert goes up to the top turnbuckle, for no apparent reason other than for Rikishi to lumber over for the "hit the ropes so the guy on the top turnbuckle gets crotched" spot. I wouldn’t have any problem with this except Rikishi strolled over to hit the ropes so slowly, and Albert took even more time to react (seriously, how slowly can you slip a few centimeters?). Albert, even more slowly, falls off the top turnbuckle, and is met with a superkick and the Banzai drop for 1...2...3!

And da winnah is... Rikishi, ass-isted pinfall. Oh, and of course as Rikishi is leaving he just happens to see his hat lying there, reminding him to DANCE~! He even gets his own pyro. I could grumble about how the only man in wrestling who should DANCE~! is Some Guy, but I’ve already alienated my readers with enough board references and lame jokes this week.

 

wh00! More Commercials!

 

Recap

Vince vs. Flair... what brand extension? Honestly, it’s understandable to show this footage, since it makes Vince 100% owner again or whatever, but in storyline brand extension terms, Velocity is affiliated with Smackdown, so how would they get a hold of RAW clips, and why would they want to show them? Oh well, at least the interference at the end insured The Brock still held his promised main-event spot, even though it was a bit awkward, to say the least.

 

“DVD Special Features” a.k.a. Extra Useless Bonus Footage

This week’s extra useless bonus footage is... Mae Young & Fabulous Moolah?!?!?! Wrestling gods, why have you forsaken me?!?!?! Oh... Moolah has a new book, that’s why. Thankfully, they were only in the ring for a minute for the quick plug. No magic contracts here, which means no wrestling, and no stripping. Thank you for not forsaking me, wrestling gods! Actually, since Moolah has been in the business for a long time, it might be a fairly interesting read, and probably better than Mae Young’s best-seller How to Behave So Your Plastic Hand Will, Too.

 

wh00! Still More Commercials!

 

Short Recap

After a stay in OVW that everyone else in Tough Enough should have received, Nidia finally made her TV debut as The Hurricane’s ex and the one who was sending him all those weird notes. She tells him confrontation turns her on, and licks his face (!), only to bring her new beau Jamie Noble in on this, and, in a most un-noble (ha!) fashion, rip off Hurricane’s mask and slap him in the ring.

 

Exciting (Read: Cruiserweight) Midcard Match:

"The Trailer Trash Twosome" Jamie Noble w/ Nidia vs. "The Sho Stopper" FNK

Noble starts off with RIGHT HANDS... hahahaha... just kidding, this is a cruiserweight match, remember? He starts off with a lock-up that leads to a body slam and elbow drops for 1...2...kickout. See, if this was Smackdown they would’ve ended it right there so they could tack on an extra two minutes to a HHH segment. FNK hits an arm drag and a drop toe hold, and Noble heads over to the ropes to make out with Nidia. Damn, I wish I was Jamie Noble right now. FNK takes advantage of the situation and gets a schoolboy for 1…kickout! Not even a two-count? Boo! Noble whips FNK into the corner and gives him a mudhole stomping and a choke, then gives a move I don’t recognize (sorry!), and a backbreaker. Noble misses an elbow drop, and FNK delivers RIGHT HANDS (alas, I’m not kidding this time). Luckily, that gets interrupted when Noble knocks down FNK and chokes him on the ropes, enabling Nidia to give him a slap and more (ILLEGAL~!) choking. Noble gives the fallen FNK a shot to the kidneys, and counters the abdominal stretch into a hip-toss. Tazz notes Noble wouldn’t tap out because he and Nidia get freaky with stuff like that in bed... best commentary of the night. Damn, I still wish I was Jamie Noble. FNK gains momentum for the first time in months with leg-scissors, a dropkick (wait... he’s no rookie!), and a bull-dog for 1...2...kickout! Bummer... FNK goes for an enzuigiri, but Noble counters with a leg take-down and the Trailer Hitch (a submission maneuver that looks like a reverse figure-four) for the submission.

And da winnah is... Jamie Noble, submission. Post match, Nidia jumps up and down with excitement, runs into the ring, and leaps into Noble’s arms. Michael Cole remarks that if Nidia does that every time Noble wins, he hopes Noble appears on Velocity every week, and wins every week. I couldn’t agree more... damn, I REALLY wish I was Jamie Noble right now. You can say what you want about Nidia, but there’s no denying, especially with those low-cut jean shorts and high-cut shirt, that she’s hot... hot in a "cheap, slutty trash" sort of way, but still hot nonetheless. There goes my whole maturity argument from earlier.

 

wh00! Even More Commercials!

 

Recap

It wasted twenty minutes, and was established the two previous shows, but now that the contracts were signed, it’s 100% official that Trips and ‘Taker will go at it for the title at King of the Ring. For once, I’m glad I missed a show, and I’m even gladder that I’ll miss the PPV. Though I will admit, as slow-paced and boring as the rest was, it’s good to see Trips bringing back his old friend the SLEDGEHAMMER~! Unfortunately, now Trips really is acting EXACTLY the same as when he was heel, only as a face that’s not over.

 

wh00! You Can NEVER Have Too Many Commercials!

 

The Main Event

Kurt "Mr. Klean" Angle vs. Hardcore "Well, You’ve Still Got No Personality" Holly

Angle starts with stomps, but Holly comes back with HARDCORE RIGHT HANDS! Holly clotheslines Angle and rams him into a turnbuckle. Wow, he’s one tough hombre! Holly goes for the wig, but Angle ducks to the outside. Holly follows with some HARDCORE CHOPS! Holly in with a slam and a knee, but Angle comes back with a belly to belly and a suplex for 1...2...kickout! Angle goes for another belly to belly as the crowd chants "You Suck!" (I thought you were only supposed to do that for his theme music). Angle proves his worth with ANOTHER belly to belly? It’s not like Kurt to repeat spots that much in a match; maybe that baldness thing is really hurting him. Holly breaks the uncharacteristic monotony with a DDT and more HARDCORE RIGHT HANDS! He follows up with a back body-drop, chops in the corner, a clothesline, and The Best Dropkick in the Business (is that its official title? I thought it was a joke title over the ‘net but that’s what Tazz called it as well) for 1...2...kickout! OK, maybe it’s not the best, but it’s still pretty darn good! Holly hangs Angle over the top rope and gives a kick to the midsection, then powerbombs Angle for another two-count. Angle rakes the eyes and reverses a belly to belly into a German suplex, and slaps on the Ankle Lock. Looks like it might actually work this time, as Holly struggles to make the ropes, and… oh wait, Holly remembered that the Ankle Lock never works anymore. He flips over and kicks Angle in the face, and gives Angle a belly to belly of his own (that makes... five belly to belly’s this match? Talk about repeated spots!). Holly goes for the Alabama Slamma, but Angle counters in a very smart way, by holding onto the top ropes, allowing him to reverse into a roll-up and holding the ropes, repeating the finish from Smackdown two weeks ago for 1...2...3!

And da winnah is... Kurt Angle, pinfall. What’s with the repeated spots? I can deal with the same finish as Smackdown, but FIVE belly to belly’s?! That’s almost as bad as the over-use of right hands as transition moves.

 

Well, that’s all for this week. Hopefully someone will take over for the next two weeks that I’m gone, and if not, I hope Mark Henry doesn’t do anything remotely interesting, because I wouldn’t want to miss that! Actually I’m probably going to miss Nidia more than anything else. To make up for that emotional pain, you can always buy me a graduation present, or just e-mail me and tell me how great my column was. Actually, a friend of mine recently told me that my column lacks originality, but couldn’t give me any suggestions on how to fix that, so if anyone has any ideas, even though I won’t be able to read them for two weeks (or more if that weird Squirrel Mail bug doesn't get fixed), don’t hesitate to e-mail me.

 

Oh, and Byron, what’s up with you shilling for Confidential but forgetting about MY Saturday night recap, hmmmm? Heh, just kidding dude.

 

Edward Robins

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A Dollar Today Means Salvation Tomorrow!

My DVD List... sure it’s got nothing to do with Velocity; so what?