Guest TSMAdmin Report post Posted October 3, 2002 Howdy ho, Saturday night campers! I’d like to start off today’s intro with some good news – I won a book today! That’s right, I won a free autographed copy of Reel Shame, which, as those who read my columns might know, is put out by the guys behind the awesome b-genre review site Stomp Tokyo! As a way of thanking the guys behind the book and the site, I’m going to plug both; I visit the site often, and from the sample pages I’ve read of the book it’s an excellent resource, maybe no Mondo Macabro, but unlike that legendary tome of obscure cinema, Reel Shame is an easier read and much more accessible (why, it’s even on sale at Amazon.com!). I’d also like to state that I officially HATE record players. Today I was vacuuming the carpet upstairs, however, the vacuum cleaner got clogged and I had to do a lot of the work by hand. So, I figured I’d flip on a record. I flip on my mom’s record player, and the speed is off. It’s set to 33RPM, and it still plays the records at 45RPM (which would be OK if I wanted to listen to Alvin & the Freakin’ Chipmunks, but I wanted Jamiroquai and Van Halen, dammit!). So, I spend 20 minutes trying to manually adjust the speed, but to no avail, apparently this speed change is permanent and we need to take in the record player to be fixed. OK, no problem, I’ll go downstairs and get my record player. However, I try to play something and guess what? My needle is dirty as hell and all out of shape, so the records play at regular speed, but with TONS of static (which is odd because it played fine last week and nobody or anything has touched it since). Factor in the fact that with their extra size and sensitivity (at least with my record players, the slightest bit of dust or scratch will cause endless skipping) records are a pain in the ass anyway, and you can see the clear reasoning behind my situation. It also means I have to record the good dance music off the radio (Subsonic, Saturday nights @ Live 105! wh00!) until I get this ordeal taken care of, which, given the more important things on my mind (getting my stuff ready for college, I move in about 2 weeks), means I have to have hundreds of megabytes of WAV files on my harddrive until I somehow manage to get the money for another burner. Blech! Now then, with the plugs and mini-rants out of the way, kick it into hyper-drive, it’s time for the WWE’s fastest show, Velocity! Opening Match Chavo “I’m Related to the Gobbledygooker!” Guererro Jr. vs. “It’s Sugar, It’s Shane, It’s” The Hurricane! As the match opens, Michael Cole and Marc Loyd really put over Shannon Moore and his tag work with Hurricane. Meanwhile, Chavo disses the Hurri-cape! This infuriates Hurricane, who comes at him with a RIGHT HAND, clothesline, and hard whips into the corner. He hangs up Chavo in the tree of woe, and, using the second rope as leverage, plants his foot firmly into Chavo’s groin (!). Hurricane busts out the Shining Wizard and a cover, but Chavo kicks out at 2 and wisely rolls out of the ring to catch his breath and sing soprano! Hurricane is over the top with a tope, but Chavo had it scouted, and dodges. Chavo takes this opportunity to floor the Hurricane with a clothesline. Chavo then picks up Hurricane and rams him back-first into the ring. Chavo kicks Hurricane into the ring-post for one last cheap shot before rolling him back into the ring and continuing the wear-down with a shot to the kidney and an uppercut. Chavo tosses Hurricane into the corner, and stomps a mudhole, but Hurricane comes back with RIGHT HANDS~!, a chicken-wing, and a neckbreaker. Chavo whips Hurricane into the corner, but is met with a boot to the face. Chavo ends up with some momentum in the end though, with a dropkick and some fierce stomping on Hurricane’s leg, which had found its way into the ropes from the sheer force of Chavo’s vicious dropkick! Chavo covers for 1…2…Hurricane kicks out! Chavo goes right back to stomping a mudhole on Hurricane, until the ref has to physically force him away into the other corner. Chavo doesn’t let Hurricane get a breather though, going back on him with a shot and a falling back breaker. Chavo goes for a brain-buster, but Hurricane manages to block it and hits an Eye of the Hurricane, but is unable to capitalize! The ref begins a standing ten count, and both men make it to their feet around the same time, but Hurricane blocks all of Chavo’s right hands! Chavo’s off the ropes, but instead of a Hurri-Spit Punch, we get a Hurri-clothesline and back body drop. Hurricane goes up, up, and away with a top-rope cross-body for 1…2…Chavo kicks out again! Hurricane gets in some shots on a corner-bound Chavo, and hits a swinging neckbreaker and covers, but Chavo gets his foot on the ropes! This is the last straw… Hurricane goes to finish off Chavo with a Chokeslam, but Chavo fights his way out. Hurricane sets Chavo up for the Unprettier (?!) but Chavo reverses into a school-boy and grabs the tights for 1…2…3! And da winnah is… Chavo Guerrero is my new favorite wrestler. CHEAT TO WIN!!!!! ** 1/2 Not bad opener (probably still one of the best matches of the night), but still a little awkward. I love the Hurricane, but I still have no clue why he’s been moved to a “power”-based offense. With the exception of the tope and the cross-body, Hurricane could’ve been replaced with Hardcore Holly and the match would’ve gone basically the same. It all started with the Chokeslam… wh00! COMMERCIALS! Boring Midcard Match “Not Phat, Just Fat” Albert vs. “The World’s Slowest Hoss” Mark Henry Mark Henry’s getting cheers? NOOOOOOOO!!!! Whoa, I need to calm down, they’re just piped in. Right? The two big men lock up, and Henry shoves Albert into the corner. Ooh, you GO Mizark! Albert tries a German suplex (?!) but Henry blocks it and puts him down in a messy move that looks like a face pan-cake (but I doubt was intended as such). Ooh, you GO Mizark! Albert sneaks in a kick to the gut, and Henry reverses the Irish whip, but Albert asserts himself with a boot to the face! Mark hits a military press on Albert! OK, that’s actually impressive, but an actual flow to this match would be even more desired. Albert comes back with a shot and tries a suplex, but Henry blocks it and hits a stalling suplex of his own. Ooh, you GO Mizark! He also covers for 1…2…Albert kicks out! Damn. Henry hangs up Albert on the second rope and hits a running legdrop through the ropes. Ummmm… yea. Henry is back in the ring, but Albert bicycle kicks him out of the ring! Albert continues his token jobber offense, whipping Henry into the ring barrier and landing some punches and a kick to the face. Back in the ring, Henry gets some shots to the gut, and Albert gets in an Irish whip and shots to the back. He follows up with a corner splash and Banzai Drop (which he actually hits!). He locks in the submission where, from a sitting position, you stretch out the other person’s arms while shoving your knee in their back. After Henry fights his way out (you GO Mizark!), Albert hits a series of clubs and an elbow to the face. Henry comes back with a series of clotheslines and what looks like a T-Bone Tazzplex and a cover for 1…2…Albert kicks out! Albert realizes he’s on the bad side of this match, so he goes for the Baldo Bomb, but Henry fights his way out and hits a body slam for 1…2…3! And da winnah is… Mark Henry, pinfall. Ooh, you GO Mizark! 3/4 * Words cannot describe how terrible of a match this was. With two “big men” going at it, you can expect a slow-paced match with a lot of stalling, and when that’s combined with Mark Henry no-selling every move for the first half of the match, well, it’s just too much. I believe the piped in chants for Mark Henry are what will haunt my dreams though. Thank God it only has to happen once and I never have to see it again. wh00! MORE COMMERCIALS! Recap Matt “Where it’s At!™” Hardy vs. “The Next BIG THING” Brocky Lesnar Stephanie McMahon was busy on the phone procuring a RAW superstar, but Matt Hardy decided she needed a dose of Mattitude Maladjustment! She was so pleased that she gave him a non-title match against Brock Lesnar! Hardy brought the Mattitude, but in the end he’s the one maladjusted. Hopefully that doesn’t crush his spirits to the point that he writes poor poetry and attempts suicide every other match like his brother… wh00! EVEN MORE COMMERCIALS! Slightly More Interesting Midcard Tag Match Randy “Lil’ Cowpoke” Orton & “The Alabama Android” Hardcore Holly vs. B&C This was set up last week, with the IMPROMPTU MAIN EVENT and the Velocity attempted storyline of the week. Now then, everyone hits the ring and start off with massive staredowns and exchanges of blows. Orton & Holly, being the faces, of course clear the ring of Billy, Chuck AND Rico. Outside the ring, Orton shoves Billy into the guardrail, and back in the ring, Holly & Orton double clothesline Chuck. Holly gets in a series of chops, but Billy interferes already, and drops Holly throat-first onto the top rope. Chuck stomps a mudhole in the corner and tags in Billy. The two give Holly a wishbone split before Chuck leaves and Billy begins the attack on the fallen Holly. After taking some additional abuse in the corner, Holly comes back with a RIGHT HAND~!, but Billy cuts him off with a clothesline and a cover for 1…2…Holly kicks out! Billy tags in Chuck, who comes in with a belly to belly on Holly and another cover for 1…2…kick-out! Chuck tags back in Billy, who distracts, allowing Chuck to get in the cheap shot and blind tag to put on a sleeper (ummm… why not just stay tagged in?). Holly fights his way out and delivers more chops, but Chuck comes back with a backbreaker and another cover for 1…2…Holly kicks out again! Chuck tags Billy back in, and Billy stomps away on Holly, following up with a kick to the gut to set up the Fameasser. Instead of laying limp though, Holly surprises Billy with The Best Dropkick in the Business™. Both men tag in, and Orton nails Chuck with a running clothesline and The Second Best Dropkick in the Business™. Billy comes in, but Orton, sends him out again, and powerslams Chuck. Orton goes up and nails the top rope cross-body for 1…2…Chuck kicks out! Rico gets on the apron and distracts, causing not only the ref to turn his back, but Holly to angrily chase him out of the ring (hmmmm…. for once the “rookie” fools the “experienced veteran”), allowing Billy to hit the One and Only, roll Chuck out of the ring, and cover Orton for the 1…2…3! And da winnah is… Billy & Chuck, dirty pinfall (but that’s just how they like it) ** 1/2 Nothing wrong with this match, but COME ON REF! I swear, Smackdown refs must be the worst in the business. It was pretty obvious that, even if you didn’t see what went down, that Billy wasn’t the legal man by any stretch of the imagination. Not much else of note here, but Christ, Orton’s bulked up. I don’t remember him looking that buff last week. wh00! STILL MORE COMMERCIALS! Recap Smackdown’s #1 Contenders Tournament Since the Undisputed Title is currently a Smackdown! exclusive, Stephanie McMahon established a tournament for #1 Contendership (which, unlike Easy E’s #1 Contender, would actually get a shot at the belt). It was actually a great idea, although the fact that nobody lasted for more than one round and Rikishi factored so largely into it was puzzling, and ruined it. Plus, the super-secret RAW superstar was revealed as The Phenom, The Undertaker! Actually, in storyline terms, since Undertaker won #1 Contendership on Smackdown! despite losing the #1 Contendership match on RAW to HHH, I predict that somehow HHH will get the PPV title shot. Whether that’s through Easy E sucking up to Vince McMahon, or magic contracts, or what, I don’t know, but I have a hunch that’s how it’s gonna go down. wh00! YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MANY COMMERCIALS! Main Event – Cruiserweight Title Match “The Sho Stopper” Funaki vs. The Trailer Trash Twosome © It’s funny, because earlier today I was thinking about how Jamie Knoble hadn’t defended his belt in a while. Upon making his entrance, the crowd starts chanting for Funaki! It’s probably just as piped as the Mark Henry pops, but there’s also a “Funaki Fan Club” sign proudly displayed in the audience, so maybe they’re for real, I mean it’s not like he doesn’t deserve them. After an exchange of blows to begin the match, Knoble tosses Funaki out, but FNK gets back in the ring and surprises Knoble with a baseball slide! Nidia distracts FNK, enabling Knoble to catch him from behind! Knoble hits a snapmare, elbows to the neck, a neckbreaker, and finally covers for 1…2…FNK kicks out! Knoble ties Funaki up in the tree of woe, rolls out of the ring, and pulls outward on Funaki’s head from outside the ring. That must be murder on the neck, especially combined with the psychology sequence from earlier in the match. Back in the ring, Knoble dodges a dropkick, but FNK catches him in a school boy for 1…2…kick-out! Knoble hits a pump handle suplex and covers for 1…2…FNK kicks out! Knoble goes back to working the neck, dropping a few elbows on FNK’s neck, before covering again for 1…2…FNK kicks out AGAIN! Knoble decides to put that psychology to good use by locking in a sleeper (hey, I didn’t say it’d be an INTERESTING good use). FNK fights his way out and hits a falling backbreaker and an enzuigiri. FNK keeps the pressure on with a backbreaker, knee strike, bulldog and cover for 1…2…No! Knoble tries to end it early with a Tiger Bomb, but FNK reverses it into a cover for 1…2…Knoble kicks out again! Funaki tries to get Knoble into the Tarantula (doesn’t he know that novelty spot only works with Tajiri because it’s his move?), but Knoble reverses into a piledriver (!) and covers for 1…2…Funaki kicks out, but sells it like he’s dead. Knoble goes for another Tiger Bomb, but somehow, FNK barely manages to block it again. Knoble charges but FNK gets in a boot to the face. FNK hits a swinging DDT and covers for 1…2…Knoble kicks out, and third time’s the charm, as this time he hits the Tiger Bomb for 1…2…3! And da winnah is… Jamie Knoble, still the champ boy, wh00! Post-match, FNK is barely able to get up, but has a mic in hand and cuts a promo: “I may have lost to Jamie Knoble, but I know you people still love me [this elicits massive cheers] because I… Funaki… Smackdown… #1 announcer!” before falling limp again. *** Funaki getting a win a few weeks ago, a character, and now he’s cutting an in-ring promo? All I can say is “unreal!” Anyway, the match was nice (I liked the “Tarantula into a piledriver” spot), although I must take issue with the fact that once again Knoble’s psychology didn’t really factor into the Tiger Bomb finish (I’ve got no problem with him using the move, but maybe work the back so it’s more devastating?), although Funaki sold the neck post-match like a champ. Also, continuing the weirdness trend, Michael Cole and Marc Loyd were actually riffing on each other and providing some very entertaining commentary. I’m thinking these two guys are developing some pretty good chemistry. It’s late again. Like, almost 5AM. My bad… no trivia-inducing feedback question this week, but if you want nobody ever got back to me with when the last time Funaki won prior to his big win a few weeks ago. Oh, before I forget, check out my review of Octopus, Byron’s "News... TO US!", and RetroRob’s Confidential recap (I’m not sure if he’ll post one though since it was a recap). Enjoy… dammit, my brain is too fried to remember what holiday is on Monday, but I think it’s Labor Day! Of course, if I have any international readers they can write me back with “You damn Yank! I didn’t get the day off, and how come you never wish a happy Bank Holiday? Hmmmm?” to which I’ll have no reply. See you in 7! Edward Robins [email protected] DVDaficionado.com list – PH34R MY DVD COLLECTION! Amazon.com wishlist – Since you’re going to waste your money, why not waste it on me? "To me, bad taste is what entertainment is all about... [just] remember there is such a thing as good bad taste and bad bad taste." – John Waters Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
