SJL Metal for Oct. 3!

October 4, 2002

SJL METAL CARD~!

Due: 3pm Thursday EST or whatever

Arena: The Gund Arena! Cleveland.

Send To: Suicide King, I believe.

Edit: MacPhisto has been replaced as Commissioner by some one who stays behind the scenes and doesn't like to promo. Commentary is now Axis and King until decided otherwise. Don't worry about it if you already started your matches and Edwin's in them. You won't have points deducted.

OPENING PROMO

- Judge Mental informs us of how it feels to win the World title!

SINGLES MATCH

Wildchild vs. Blank

- Added match of death!

- Match Description: Standard Match

SINGLES MATCH

Jack The Ripper vs. Ejiro Fasaki

- Ejiro just can't seem to get that elusive first win. The solution? Put him against Jack The Ripper.

- Match Description: Standard Match.

SINGLES MATCH

Leon Sharpe vs. Johnny Dangerous

- Leon Sharpe is coming off of what must be a truly upsetting European title loss. Oh, poor baby. Dent your t-shirt sales? Anyway, he comes up against the familiar spy in a contest to the death! Or three count, whichever comes first.

NO DQ MATCH

Flexxx vs. Broomstick

- Flexxx doesn't like title shots. Now he faces a broomstick, in a match that will challenge him to the fullest. Perhaps he can write... Or will the broomstick beat him too?

SINGLES MATCH

Fugue vs. Tim Dillon

- These two unlucky men fell short of capturing titles on the Genesis countdown. However, getting a win here could get them another shot in the future.

NO ROPES MATCH

Spike Jenkins vs. Thor

- Oh, this will be fun. Thor, the gigantic man of death, vs. the guy who has that Nidia picture in his signature! Take out the ring ropes, and you have a match where an irish whip count be through a table for the pin!

CHAIR ON A POLE #1 CONTENDERS MATCH

Manson vs. Matt Myers vs. Mike Van Siclen

- Manson is being put to the test here. Not only must he defend his title shot, he also must defend it agaisnt the always tough MVS, and that other guy, Matt Myers. MMM~! ...

October 4, 2002

BOOM!

A set of white pyros go off!

BOOM!

A set of blue pyros go off!

BOOM!

A set of red pyros go off!

The camera pans across the packed Gund Arena in Cleveland, Ohio, as another edition of SJL Metal goes on the air! The crowd cheers wildly as the camera cuts across the arena, catching a couple signs such as: A boy holding up an “SJL MENTAL!” sign, one man holding up a sign showing Sharpe throwing Tim Dillon down to the concrete at Countdown to Genesis with the words “Payback’s a Bitch” written on it. But the most notable sign is one held up by a little girl in the front row sipping her 7-Up and wearing her “MacPhisto Mania” shirt. The sign shows a cut-out of Edwin’s smiling face placed upon a massive picture of the Earth with the quote, “Where in the World is Edwin MacPhisto?”. Just under the big letters is a small post-script: “P.S. Tom Flesher SUCKS BIG TIME!” The camera zooms around for a couple more moments before finally coming to a halt at the announcing table, where a trio minus one awaits the beginning of the show.

“Hi and this is your play by play announcer Axis here with Suicide King. The SJL is just coming off a huge success at Countdown to Genesis, and now we are going to see the ramifications of the victories at the biggest SJL PPV of the year! First off, we have a brand new cham-OWWW!” Axis gives a cry of pain as Suicide King pokes Axis’s leg, currently clad in a large cast, with the end of a broom. The True Heartbreaker gives Axis another poke and a laugh.

“This is way too fun! Screw announcing,” He says as he pulls the broom out of Axis’s reach, “I’m doing this for the rest of the night.”

“They need that for the Flexxx vs. the Broomstick match! And-OWWW! Stop it!” King gives the helpless and immobile Axis another poke, but the poking begins to slow down, and final stops as King, then Axis, begin staring at the empty set to the Australian Strongman’s left. They wait for a moment, almost as if awaiting a phantom response, and then King suddenly tosses the broom at Axis, who catches it at the last second across his chest.

Angrily, King says why. “Nevermind. It isn’t funny anymore.”

Suddenly, the lights turn a sickening red and the crowd begins to boo in anticipation of the wrestler coming out.

“NOW TESTIFY!!”

Rage Against the Machine’s “Testify” blares throughout the arena as the crowd rises to their feet to jeer the man. Flaming pyros shoot upward from the entrance ramp like hellfire from the pit itself as the SmarkTron begins showing the long career of Judge Mental, including some of his more recent exploits in the SJL. The pryos go down, the lights come up, and out walks the new SJL World Champion, Judge Mental. He comes down the ramp in his normal attire of Judiciary robes and such as the crowd gives him a vicious reaction which he always ignores.

“WOW!” Axis says with amazement. “They are really giving a bad reaction to the new SJL World Champ. But how couldn’t you? I mean, the guy is horribly evil and sadistic!” King shakes his head and speaks up.

“What the hell are you talking about? He’s one of the quickest SJL Champ ever, and they boo him. Jesus, I really feel for the guy.” Axis looks at King for a moment and speaks his mind.

”Feel for what? The crowd boos you for being a cheating bastard and an all around asshole! He’s just as bad, maybe minus the cheating part!” But King waves his finger in Axis’s face.

”I don’t cheat,” He says, giving an innocent face. “And it’s not cheating if the ref doesn’t see it. And I’m not an asshole, they are the assholes for bowing down to the greatest wrestler to live! Jeez, can’t I ever get any credit?”

The Judge steps up and into the ring, and reveals a microphone from under his long black robes. When he takes it out, the shinning gold belt around his waist shows a bit, only to be covered up by the black cloth once again.

“So I’m the SJL World Champion now.” He says with a cruel grin. “Beautiful, is it not? Only three or so weeks, and I’m already at the top of the league. I can’t say that it was really THAT hard, with all the pathetic competition that this mismanaged place could assemble. Really, my first match against some SKATEBOARDING freak? I used to bust kids like him all the time for loitering near the First National Bank in my home town. Then they give me that mistake of nature Cutthroat. I hope enjoys being retired now.” The crowd boos loudly, and a small “KAMI-KAZE” chant begins. The Judge hears it, and speaks up, slightly angered by it.

“Shut up! That man didn’t even make into the World Contendership. I fought 2 people who were just placed there, and another that could barely limp into the ring. I’m the only one that deserved the shot, and that’s why I have this belt on right now! Because I am only one that even deserves to put it around my waist in this fed. What does that Kamikaze have? The Euro belt. And that’s as high as he’ll ever go.” The chant begins to get louder and louder as the fans know it’s one of Mental’s hot spots.

“KAMI-KAZE!”

Mental tightens his hand around the mic, growing ever more infuriated with the crowd. Suddenly he yells into the mic.

“SHUT UP! YOU PEOPLE, YOU DON’T EVEN DESERVE TO BE HERE AND WATCH ME! ALL YOU DO IS CHEER LIKE THE DRUNKEN MORONS YOU ARE AT SOME IDIOT WITH PSYCHOLOGICAL ISSUES FOR ACTING INSANE! YOU CALL ME SADISTIC? WHAT ABOUT THAT MAN THAT YOU USED TO CALL COMMISSIONER! HE BROKE A MAN’S NECK! HE CAN’T EVEN HANDLE IT, SO HE RUNS AWAY, AND WHAT DO WE SEE?” Mental points at the little girls sign.

”HE STILL IS CHEERED AND THOUGHT OF AS A HERO! GODDAMNIT, WHERE IS THE FAIRNESS IN THAT? I’M THE BEST IN THIS WHOLE LEAGUE! AND WHAT DO I GET? I GET BOOED! THAT’S WHY I STOPPED LISTENING TO YOU! THAT’S WHY I CAN IGNORE YOU! BECAUSE YOU DON’T TALENT FROM STUPIDITY! DO YOU SEE THIS BELT? I GOT IT NOT FROM LISTENING TO YOUR GODDAMNED OPINIONS, BUT TO GOING ON WHAT I WANTED TO DO! SO BOO ALL YOU LIKE!” He says, calling them out.

The crowd eagerly takes up the challenge, giving him an earful of jeers and insults. Suddenly, the “KAMIKAZE!” chant springs up again, and Mental can’t stand anymore of his name.

“Kamikaze? KAMIKAZE! Okay, I’m going to make an offer right now.” His scowl turns to a clever, devilish grin. “I’m making an offer to anyone who wants it, a world title shot. What to you need to do? You need to make one weak, pathetic man submit. Whoever can make Kamikaze, the foolish person he is for beating me, submit, will get a shot at my World Title. If you can make him tap out like the fool he is, then do it.”

Mental begins to walk out, still holding the microphone. The fans boo like wild, and a couple throw cups at him that land around his feet, and he easily side steps them.

Axis looks on as Mental leaves, and gives a short comment. “Well, it seems like Mental is determined to make Kamikaze’s life miserable, now by making him a marked man. We’ll see how this plays out later on SJL Metal!”

Fade to Commercial…

October 4, 2002

“Our next match features the Wildchild taking on Blank,” says Axis, “and King, both of these young men are looking to get back on track with a win.”

Suicide King glances at Axis and snorts with a smirk on his face. “Hah! I told you that Jack the Ripper was going to beat that circus freak for me in my hometown! And I’m going to enjoy watching Blank kick his ass, too.”

”Don’t be so sure about that, King,” warns Axis, “with the kind of speed that Wildchild has, combined with his unpredictable offense, you can’t look past him. In fact, if he can avoid Blank’s educated feet and if he takes to the air as much as he likes to do, I wouldn’t be surprised to see him come away with a win here tonight.”

“Yeah maybe, but just like Jack proved to the world last week, ‘Clown- boy’ can be grounded,” relies the King. “Take away his high-flying, and there’s not a whole lot to him. I see Blank kicking ‘Clown-boy’ a new one and getting the win without even breaking a sweat.”

“Well, I guess everyone’s entitled to their opinion,” says Axis.

“No,” snaps the King with a smirk, “ I’m entitled to my opinion. You’re entitled to sit there with your mouth shut, and learn from the greatest.”

“Whatever,” groans Axis.

In the ring, the impeccably dressed Funyon lifts the microphone up to his face as he begins to introduce the participants. “Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall, with a fifteen minute time limit.”

“At that moment, “Stick em’ Up” by Quarashi starts to blare over the loudspeakers as Blank comes streaking out of the backstage area on his skateboard. Blank pushes himself down the ramp about thirty feet, and continues streaking towards the ring, leaping into the air about twenty feet in front of the ring, and performing a kick flip to the delight of some of the skater fans in the audience. Funyon continues his introductions, speaking into the microphone with his trademark booming voice, “Introducing first, weighing in at one hundred and ninety pounds, Blaaaaaank!” Blank steps between the middle and top ropes to enter the ring, and begins stretching his legs as his music fades.

Suddenly, the sounds of “Everlasting Gaze” by Smashing Pumpkins can be hard streaming over the loudspeakers, as the Wildchild springs out from the backstage area. Wildchild flinches slightly as the crowd pops loudly for him as he makes his way down to ringside, but quickly calms down, and flashes a brilliant smile. His light brown eyes contrast sharply with the blue, yellow and black paint covering his face. Upon reaching ringside, he grabs onto the bottom rope and uses it to pull himself off the ground, somersaults between the bottom and middle ropes into the ring, and springs to his feet, banging his head slightly in time to the music.

Funyon speaks once again into the microphone, “and his opponent, from the Bahamas, weighing in at two hundred and seventeen pounds, the Wiiiiiildchiiiild!” Wildchild looks at Blank with a playful expression and grins broadly. Blank stares back at him with a look of passive indifference.

“What the hell does ‘Clown-boy’ have to smile about,” asks the King. “He must have really enjoyed that beating he got from Jack the Ripper last week.”

”Maybe he’s just a happy guy, King,” replies Axis. “Maybe he’s just enjoying the experience to wrestling in front of all these people.”

“Yeah, and maybe you and him are both strung out on something,” retorts the King, stressing the word ‘maybe.’ “He’s got nothing to be happy about, unless he likes getting his BUTT kicked, ‘cause that’s all that’s going to happen tonight.”

Referee Sexton Hardcastle motions for the timekeeper to sound the bell, signifying the beginning of the match. “Bell’s rung, and we’re underway,” says Axis. Blank and Wildchild circle each other briefly before Blank strikes out towards Wildchild with a Muay Thai-style roundhouse kick, which Wildchild easily evades by stepping backwards. Circling each other for a few more seconds, they each approach the center of the ring and engage in a collar-and-elbow tie-up. Wildchild releases Blank’s right elbow and reaches his left arm across Blank’s body to grab his left elbow, while lowering his right hand from Blank’s collar to his left arm, just below the point of the shoulder. Wildchild then shifts his weight to his right, and falls to his right towards the mat, taking Blank off his feet, through the air, and back onto the mat on his back.

“Wildchild with an armdrag to start the match,” notes Axis.

Blank rolls to a stop near the ropes and stands up while Wildchild stays on his back for a split second, before swinging both of his legs to his left, and scissoring them above his body to gain enough momentum to spin around on his back before shifting his weight onto his left shoulder and rolling backwards onto his feet.

“Showoff,” spits the King angrily.

Blank charges after Wildchild, but Wildchild hooks his left arm underneath Blank’s right armpit, and shifts his hip underneath him, tossing Blank over his left shoulder, and back down, with Blank striking the mat sharply on his tailbone.

“Hiptoss takes Blank back down,” says Axis.

As Blank gets back to his feet, Wildchild jumps off the mat and launches himself towards Blank feet first, striking Blank flush on the right side of his face with both feet, and sending him back down to the canvas.

“Beautiful dropkick,” says Axis.

“There wasn’t anything beautiful about it,” replies the King. “How would you like it if ‘Clown-boy’ stuck his smelly feet in your face?”

Axis replies, “Well King, I imagine that sort of thing is accepted as an occupational hazard…”

“Shut the hell up, Axis,” snaps the King. “What the hell do you know about being in the ring, anyway?”

Blank gets back to his feet, and is met by another dropkick from the Wildchild, this one sending Blank stumbling back into the turnbuckles. Wildchild rushes into the corner after Blank, lifting his right knee as he runs into him, and driving his knee into Blank’s solar plexus, and forcing the wind out of him. Wildchild grasps Blank’s right wrist with his right hand, and pulls him out of the corner, whipping him towards the opposite corner, but Blank rotates his body 180 degrees and grabs Wildchild’s right wrist with his left hand, using his momentum to whip Wildchild into the corner. Instead of crashing into the turnbuckle, however, Wildchild jumps into the air, landing on his feet directly on the top turnbuckle, and without a moment’s pause to balance himself, or even turn around, springs backwards off the turnbuckle, twisting his body 180 degrees clockwise in mid-air, and brings his left knee up towards his chest while aiming it at the right side of Blank’s face. Wildchild reaches his arms out over Blank’s head, and clasps his hands together behind his head, forcing Blank face-first in the direction of Wildchild’s knee. Cartilage briefly fuses with bone as Wildchild seemingly crushes Blank’s right cheekbone with his knee, sending him down forcefully to the mat.

“Oh my GAWD,” shrieks Axis. “Wildchild with a Flying Knee Attack to the face!”

“Wildchild descends to the canvas with his arms outstretched, now tucking both knees into his chest as he rolls through the fall and springs back up on his feet. Blank sits up slowly, clutching the right side of his face with both hands and grimacing in pain. He rolls onto his stomach and brings himself up on one knee as Wildchild eyes him intently.

As Blank begins to stand up, Wildchild runs towards the ropes and, as he rebounds off, raises his left elbow to eye level, and smashes his elbow into the right side of Blank’s face, snapping his head sharply to the left, and causing him to spin around in a dazed state. Meanwhile, Wildchild runs towards the ropes again, this time leaping into the air as he approaches them, and swings his feet out in front of him, rotating his body as he does so, so that he lands feet-first on the middle rope, facing Blank. Using the tension from the ring rope, Wildchild springs off the rope into the air, curling himself into a ball, and spinning through the air towards his opponent, who hasn’t quite yet regained his senses. Still curled into a ball, Wildchild’s back smacks Blank squarely in the chest, sending him stumbling backwards into the ropes.

“Pinball,” screams Axis. “What an incredible maneuver!”

Wildchild lands on the mat in a three-point stance, and immediately runs to the ropes towards Blank. Leaping into the air as he nears him, Wildchild begins to pass over Blank’s left shoulder, but brings up his right leg sharply behind him, whipping his thigh across Blank’s thigh, knocking him headfirst over the top rope and outside the ring. Blank lands on his feet at the ringside area and stumbles into the barricade, senseless.

“Leg lariat sends Blank out of the ring,” exclaims Axis.

Wildchild runs to the corner and leaps atop the turnbuckle. He measures Blank as he perches on the top turnbuckle, before he leaps off, contorting his body while in freefall, and splashing back-first onto the dazed Blank.

“Oh my GAWD,” shrieks Axis. “Corkscrew attack to the outside!”

Wildchild bounces back up to his feet, and quickly ascends to the ring apron facing Blank, and eyeing him as he contemplates his next move. Wildchild’s eyes light up as if suddenly inspired, and he swiftly runs the length of the ring apron, so that he is now behind Blank. He lifts his feet off the apron and plants them on the solid steel corner post, springing off the post into the air above the ringside area. Wildchild floats above the crowd towards Blank in an inverted pike position, as if in utter defiance of gravity. As he finally begins to make his descent, he rotates his body so that his feet are facing the ring. When he is only about two feet above Blank, Wildchild extends his arms, placing his left hand on the top of Blank’s head, and his right hand between Blank’s shoulder blades, driving him face-first into the padded area at ringside, eliciting a brief “Holy Shit” chant from the crowd.

“What a maneuver by the Wildchild,” exclaims Axis. “He’s got more hang time than Michael Jordan!”

“That dumb bastard’s going to kill himself doing stuff like that,” remarks the King. “Sooner or later he’s try something like that and miss, and then he’s going to bust his head wide open… On second thought, that wouldn’t be so bad, after all. You go right ahead there, ‘Clown-boy.”

“Will you stop, please,” groans Axis.

Suicide King ignores Axis. “Fly, dumbass, fly!”

Wildchild grabs Blank by the back of his neck and pulls him up off the arena floor. He then rolls him into the ring underneath the bottom rope, and uses the second rope to pull himself onto the ring apron. After grabbing the top rope, Wildchild braces his feet against the ring apron, and pulls back against the top rope. He relaxes his resistance and allows the rope’s tension to slingshot him into the ring, somersaulting over the tope rope and smashing is back onto Blank’s chest.

“Slingshot Senton by the Wildchild,” notes Axis, as Wildchild, his back still draped over Blank’s chest, hooks Blank’s left leg underneath the knee with his right arm, and shifts his weight to his left to make the cover…

ONE!

TWO!

THR…

“No! Blank gets his foot on the ropes,” yells Axis.

Wildchild raises his arms towards the sky, eliciting a response from the crowd, and runs towards Blank, leapfrogging over him onto the middle rope, and springs off, twisting in mid-air to face Blank. Blank, in a rare moment of clarity, rears his left leg back, and smacks Wildchild underneath the chin with a wheel kick.

“Hah! ‘Clown-boy’ just got grounded,” crows Suicide King, as Wildchild crashes to the mat on his back. “Now we’re gonna see just how good a wrestler he really is!”

Wildchild props himself upright with his left arm, while cradling his jaw with his right hand. As he gets to his feet, Blank’s right foot leaves the mat with blinding speed, swinging in front of him as he blasts the left side of Wildchild’s face with an inside crescent kick, snapping Wildchild’s head to the right sharply.

“Kick him again,” screams the King. “Kick him again! Harder! Harder!”

Blank begins to stomp heavily on the fallen Wildchild, driving the heel of his boot harshly into Wildchild’s left kidney and the side of his ribs, much to the King’s enjoyment. He hooks his hands underneath Wildchild’s underarms in order to lift him up to his knees, only to thrust his right knee into Wildchild’s face. Cartilage meets cartilage as the force of the blow snaps Wildchild’s head back, and he falls backwards. Wildchild brings his left hand to his face, and he finds himself staring at three blood-covered fingers.

“‘Clown-boy’ should be happy,” remarks the King with a smirk, “Now is face is even more colorful.”

Blank picks Wildchild up by the hair, but Wildchild brings his arms up between Blank’s, and quickly stretches them outward, breaking Blank’s grip. Wildchild raises his left hand above eye level and rears back, then thrusts it forward, punching the right side of Blank’s face repeatedly as he stumbles backwards towards the ropes. Wildchild attempts to whip Blank into the ropes, but Blank reverses again. Wildchild hits the ropes and, as he rebounds, leaps into the air with his body extended horizontally and perpendicular to Blank, smashing his chest against Blank’s as they both tumble to the mat. Blank, however, hooks his right arm behind Wildchild’s head and his left arm around Wildchild’s right leg, shifts his weight onto his shoulders and rolls backwards, so that he ends up on top of Wildchild, and pulls Wildchild’s right leg towards him as he shifts his weight to his right for the cover.

ONE!

TWO!

THR…

“No! Two count only,” screams Axis.

Blank gets to his feet as Wildchild begins to sit up, and thrusts his right leg towards Wildchild’s face, striking him in his injured nose with his heel, and sending his head crashing back to the mat. Blank then quickly runs between Wildchild and the ring ropes, with his back facing Wildchild, and leaps into the air, flipping backwards and swinging his legs over his head, so that he lands chest first onto Wildchild. Referee Sexton Hardcastle drops to his knees to count the three, but Blank immediately gets back to his feet, and jumps towards Wildchild again, flipping forward and shifting his weight so that he again falls onto the prone Wildchild, this time, landing back-first.

“Standing moonsault,” yells Axis, “followed by a standing Senton!”

“Looks like ‘Clown-boy’ isn’t the only one who can fly,” intones the King.

Blank, hooks Wildchild’s left leg underneath the knee with his right arm, and shifts his weight to his left in an attempt to pin him … “It’s over now,” crows the King.

ONE!

TWO!

THR…

“No! Not yet,” exclaims Axis. “Wildchild’s still got some fight left in him!”

“Not for long,” replies the King sarcastically, “it’s all coming out through his nose!”

Blank again pulls Wildchild to his feet by his hair, and grasps his right wrist with his right hand, in order to whip him into the corner, but Wildchild is able to rotate his body and reverses, sending Blank into the corner. Blank leaps into the air before crashing into the turnbuckle, however, and swings his legs into the air, smirking at Wildchild as he holds himself above the top turnbuckle in a handstand. Before he can react, however, Wildchild races into the corner, jumps onto the second rope to Blank’s left, and leaps into the air, twisting to face Blank, and kicking his left elbow out from under him. Blank, no longer able to support himself upon the turnbuckle, tumbles to his left, smacking his face harshly on the top turnbuckle as he falls to the arena floor. The crowd erupts with a raucous “Holy Shit” chant.

Axis screams, “Oh my GAWD~!”

Wildchild uses the ropes to pull himself to his feet, as Blank lay motionless outside the ring. After shaking his head back and forth to clear the cobwebs, Wildchild grips the ropes to each side of the top turnbuckle, and vaults off the mat, landing in a crouching position on the top rope. Wildchild raises his arms above his head to evoke a pop from the crowd, and boldly leaps off, bringing his legs towards him in a forward pike, as he somersaults through the air onto the prone Blank.

“Oh my GAWD~! 450 splash to the outside,” screams Axis. “Wildchild is on fire!”

“He won’t be for long,” replies the King, sounding slightly less certain than earlier. “He’s not going to be able to keep this up…”

Wildchild grabs the back of Blank’s head, and lifts him to his feet. He rolls him into the ring, and somersaults in between the bottom and middle ropes. Wildchild again lifts Blank to his feet, but Blank surprises him with a thumb to the eye.

“There you go, Blank,” crows the King. “That’s how you do it!”

Blank grabs Wildchild’s right wrist and pulls him forward, whipping him towards the ropes, but Wildchild reverses, leapfrogging over the top of Blank as he rebounds off the ropes, and dropping to crouch, hooking Blank’s left ankle between the sole of his left foot and the top of his right foot, tripping Blank and sending him face first into the bottom rope.

“Beautiful drop toe hold by the Wildchild,” says Axis. “Blank simply cannot keep up with him!”

Wildchild stand atop Blank’s back, and uses the middle rope to provide extra resistance as he chokes Blank out on the bottom rope.

“Disqualify him, ref,” screams Suicide King. “He’s using an illegal choke!”

Sexton Hardcastle warns Wildchild to release his choke, and begins to count:

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

FOUR!

At the count of four, Wildchild steps off of Blank and raises his hand to his face. Still noticing a faint trickle of blood on his fingers, Wildchild stares up into the rafters, and then out at the crowd, flashing a broad smile, before he runs towards the ring ropes. As he rebounds, Wildchild leaps into the air, and dives feet first between the bottom and middle ropes to Blank’s right, as if he were about to attempt a baseball slide. Instead, however, Wildchild grabs the bottom rope with his left hand, and the middle rope with his right hand, swinging through the ropes sideways, as though he were on two parallel bars, and bashes his knees into Blank’s face with tremendous velocity. The crowd roars its approval as Wildchild rolls back into the ring, and begins to loudly chant “Holy Shit” yet again.

“Chicklet Buster,” exclaims Axis. “Chicklet Buster! Chicklet Buster~!”

Wildchild runs to the opposite corner end raises his arms above his head, posing for the crowd to huge applause, while Blank rolls around on the canvas clutching his face in pain with both hands. As he slowly makes his way to his feet, he realizes that his hands are covered in blood… his blood. Wildchild climbs down off the turnbuckle and turns to face Blank, as Blank glares forward at Wildchild with his teeth bared. Wildchild brings his hand in front of his nose, and flicks his wrist in a flinging motion towards Blank, as if to say, “now we’re even!” Enraged, Blank rushes the corner towards Wildchild, who easily evades him in matador fashion. Blank leaps onto the second turnbuckle and springs off, hoping to catch Wildchild with a springboard dropkick. But Wildchild leaps high into the air, planting his feet into Blank’s chest as he had started to descend, and clasping his hands together behind Blank’s head, falling backwards and tossing Blank overhead towards the center of the ring.

“Freefall,” yells Axis. “And did you see how high he got in the air?!”

Wildchild shifts his weight onto his shoulders as he falls to the mat, enabling him to roll backwards onto his feet. He then raises his arms above him and claws at the air above his head with both hands, making a motion that resembles grabbing something out of the air, and pulling it towards his body.

“I’ve seen him do that before,” notes Axis. “He’s going to go for the Wild Ride!”

Wildchild lifts Blank to a standing position, bent over at the waist. He turns his back to Blank and hooks underneath Blank’s left arm with his left, then hooking underneath Blank’s right arm with his right. He then spins his body so that he his bent over at the waist with Blank’s body draped over his back. Squatting slightly to brace himself, he straightens to an upright position, holding Blank upside down behind him, with his legs hanging over Wildchild’s shoulders.

“This is it,” yells Axis. “The Wild Ride~!”

Wildchild stares out into the audience, as if asking them if he should proceed. The raucous crowd is on its feet, cheering wildly for him. With one last flash of his brilliant smile, Wildchild swings his legs forward out from underneath him, falling to his posterior while driving Blank on the top of his head into the mat.

“Wild Ride,” screams Axis orgasmically. “Wild Ride! WILD RIDE~! That’s gonna do it!”

Wildchild rolls over onto his knees and drapes his body over the top of Blank’s lifeless form. The crowd chants along in unison as referee Sexton Hardcastle counts the pin fall:

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

The crowd roars with their approval as Sexton Hardcastle motions for the timekeeper to ring the bell. Funyon rises from his ringside seat and raises the microphone to his face. “Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner, the Wiiiiiildchiiiild!”

“Outstanding performance by the Wildchild as he gets back on the winning track,” says Axis.

”It was luck,” replies Suicide King. “The sun even shines on a dog’s ass some days…”

“Don’t go away, folks,” says Axis. “We’ll be right back after this with Jack the Ripper and Ejiro Fasaki!”

October 4, 2002

“What a match from both Wildchild and Blank huh King?” asks Axis.

“Yes sir, although they don’t want to let me comment on it on the air.”

“They? They who?”

“Don’t worry though fans because there will be an exclusive review on the hotline tonight after the show! Hear the news the powers that be don’t want you to know! Call now! 1-800-THE-KLIQ! CALL NOW BEFORE I KILL AGAIN!!!!”

“So, there’s a hotline now?”

“No.”

“All right then. Let's go to the ring for the next match…”

Pyrotechnics shoot into the sky to signal the entrance of everyone’s favorite serial killer that has also has a Johnny Depp movie, Jack The Ripper! As scenes from London fly across the Smarktron, Jack emerges from the entranceway, entwined in his usual black trench coat. Going from one side of the ramp to the other, Jack takes a moment to curse the number of fans that are delivering a flurry of boos to the hated Londoner. Tossing his trench coat aside on the ramp, The Ripper tears down the aisle and slides in under the bottom rope. Climbing to the middle turnbuckle, Jack continues to taunt the ringside fans, yelling at them in his think British accent.

“You stinking wankers! I’d make yeah all bleed if I had the time!”

Axis shouts into his microphone that, “This is actually a rematch of sorts as Jack defeated both Ejiro Fasaki and Cutthroat in a triple threat match many weeks ago.”

“But the real question has to be tonight,” Suicide King interjects, “… will The Suicide King decide to beat the hell out of Ejiro again just like he did the last time they crossed paths?”

“Well?”

“Call the hotline and find out! 1-800-THE-KLIQ, call now before the WORLD EXPLODES.”

Funyon begins his introductions while standing the middle of the ring, “Introducing first, weighing in at 215 pounds and hailing from London, England. He is JACK THE RIPPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA~! And his opponent…”

“Sellout” by Biohazard hits the airwaves as Ejiro Fasaki steps through the curtain. Greeted with a smattering of cheers, Ejiro (in white this evening) strides down the aisle, slapping hands with the fans that reach over the railing.

“Weighing in at 188 pounds, from Sarasota, Florida… EEEEEEEEEEEEJIROOOOO FASAKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!

Ejiro comes up the ringside steps to the apron before slinging himself over the top rope. But as Ejiro climbs up to the middle rope to make his traditional pose to the fans, Jack quickly charges forward with a clothesline. Smashing Ejiro in the back with his forearm, The Ripper sends Fasaki tumbling out an over the top rope to the floor. Fasaki falls hard to the floor with his shoulders making first contact with the cold, hard ground. Grinning with pleasure, Jack looks about the ring for another target before his gaze falls upon one Mr. Funyon. Seeing Jack’s eyes fall on him, Funyon quickly tries to get out of harm’s way and tries to step out of the ring. But he only gets about halfway there before Jack grabs him by the back of the neck. Jack holds Funyon tightly as the ring announcer pleads for clemency. Jack just smiles before getting a head of steam and sending Funyon flying over the top rope to the floor as a raucous round of boos descend. Trying to restore some order, referee Matthew Kivell signals to the timekeeper to start the match officially before moving Jack away from the ropes.

“Oh come on, he can’t treat our ring announcer that way!”

King responds, “Yeah, only we get to treat our pledges… I mean ring announcers that way.”

The Ripper decides to settle on his original target and steps out of the ring, making a move on Fasaki. Taking the dazed wrestler off the floor, Jack quickly sends Ejiro flying into the ring steps back first to a monstrous … KLANG! Fasaki arches in pain before falling to his knees in anguish. Meanwhile, inside the ring, Matthew Kivell continues to put on the ten count in order to get Jack to take the battle back into the ring. Not finished with the punishment quite yet, Jack quickly rolls Fasaki back into the ring. Stepping onto the apron, Jack looks to the fans with a sick grin as they respond with more boos than thought possible. Stepping between the ropes, Jack creams a rising Fasaki with a running clothesline that sends the Asian worker spinning to the mat. Encouraged by his aggressive assault, The Ripper continues to hammer away with forearms and stomps, smashing Ejiro down on all fours in the center of the ring. Tired from taking a beating, Fasaki begins to shake off some of the punishment mentally. Roaring with fighting spirit, Fasaki begins to push himself up while absorbing the flurry of blows that The Ripper never seams tired of throwing. Taking forearm after forearm, Ejiro finally begins to throw hard right hands into his opponent’s face in retaliation. Trading back and forth blow after blow, both men begin to rock to and fro, dazed. Finally, Ejiro begins to block Jack’s wild strikes and respond with his pinpoint blows to the face. Throwing three strait uncontested right hands, Fasaki takes a hooking swing at London’s most famous serial killer. But Jack quickly dodging underneath, and waits for Ejiro to turn back towards him. Reacting quickly, Jack drives a hard karate thrust into Fasaki’s windpipe to stop his flurry of offense. Gasping for air, Fasaki stumbles to the ropes with his back to his opponent. Not one to let an opportunity pass by, The Ripper quickly presses down on Ejiro’s head, choking him against the top rope while all the while yelling threats to the ringside fans. Taking the top rope and pulling it back quickly; The Ripper propels Fasaki across the ring like a super ball. Holding his neck in pain, Fasaki tries to suck in as much air as possible, trying to shake off the pounding he has taken thus far.

Pulling Ejiro up by the hair The Ripper picks Fasaki off the canvas and unceremoniously dumps him across the top rope, neck first, continuing his assault on Ejiro’s throat and neck. Rebounding off the drop on the ropes, Fasaki shoots backwards falling onto the back of his neck before coming to a stop. Diving on top of his fallen adversary, Jack begins to choke away with a furry as Referee Matthew Kivell counts away towards the disqualification.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

FOUR!

Jack releases his death grip on Fasaki’s throat to avoid the disqualification. Rising up, Jack drives his forearm into Ejiro sternum again and again in rapid succession. Each one delivered with pinpoint accuracy and venom. Satisfied for the moment, The Ripper lays across Fasaki’s fallen body as Matthew Kivell drops down and counts…

ONE!

TWO!

THR…NO!

“No matter what, you have to hook that leg when wrestling Ejiro. A lateral press is just not going to keep this gutsy performer down.”

“Yeah right, Axis, after I broke Fasaki in half last week,” interjects King, “You could have pinned Ejiro with a eyelash. Yeah, even you fans at home could have done it. Heck people where still pinning him at the Genesis Festivexxx for fun. I set up a booth and made a hefty ransom.”

Throwing a quick but menacing glare at the referee, Jack nevertheless continues his assault on his opponent despite being unable to get a fall on that occasion. Driving his foot into Ejiro's throat and holding onto the top rope, Jack rears backwards and chokes away while Kivell lays on another five count.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

FOUR!

FIV…

Breaking barely in time to keep from getting disqualified, Jack continues his assault on Fasaki's throat and neck with another falling forearm to the throat. Pulling Fasaki up by the hair, The Ripper sends him into the ropes and throws a nasty clothesline in the direction of Fasaki's head. Good thing for Ejiro that he is just able to duck underneath before catching Jack with a crucifix takedown. With Ejiro pressing Ripper’s shoulders to the mat, Kivell drops down and makes a count.

ONE!

NO!

Jack quickly rolls his shoulders off the mat and maneuvers onto his stomach to keep from being counted down for the three. Unfortunately for Jack, Fasaki isn't that easy to shake off, as he holds onto the arms and quickly transitions his grip into the Rings of Saturn from the crucifix! Ejiro wrenches backwards with all of his might as Jack screams out in horror as his shoulders begin to separate.

"What a beautiful counter hold from Fasaki, say what you will about his personality or lack thereof, but the man knows how to wrestle," says Axis.

"Maybe he should learn that wrestling rule where you don’t get yourself pinned every week," counters Suicide King.

“Nonetheless, Fasaki is wearing Jack down with this hold and has managed to get himself a breath of fresh air at the same time. The momentum has shifted.”

Meanwhile, Jack continues to suffer from the hold and thrashes wildly from underneath. Pressing forward with his legs, and spinning from side to side, The Ripper desperately attempts to get somewhere near the ropes to force a break. Finally, Jack's wild flailing has managed to get his leg underneath the bottom rope. Upon hearing the news from the referee, Fasaki quickly releases the hold and takes Jack by the arm and lifts him off the canvas. Slipping it behind The Ripper's back, Fasaki picks The Ripper up and slams him down on top of his own limb. Ejiro then takes a short hop, and drops the knee across The Ripper's shoulder in an attempt to extend his advantage and get to hear the extra added bonus of hearing Jack scream out in pain and anger. Ejiro takes Jack off the canvas by the arm and winds it up with a wristlock. Driving downwards, Jack ends up on the canvas face down with his arm exposed. Quickly, deliberately, Fasaki drives his knee into the shoulder again and again before pulling back up on the arm and locking on a straddling armbar in the classic Arn Anderson style.

"Well, Fasaki has totally turned this thing around with some classic grappling style. Working over a point on his opponent's body, rending it useless. Because a three legged chair isn’t good for anything.”

“Well it could be.”

“It’s just a metaphor, King.”

“Like you make a little teepee with the legs…”

While King gives a dissertation on three legged chairs, Ejiro continues to work Jack’s limb over with the armbar. Wrenching back and forth, Fasaki presses with his right arm against the shoulder, pressing the arm away from the joint. Jack keeps his head down, gritting his teeth under the pressure as Fasaki continues to exert his influence. Slowly working his way forward, Jack works his way out of the straddle and into a regular armbar as Ejiro resets at his side. Jack takes his free arm and grabs Fasaki by the hair in order to regain his vertical base. Pressing forwards, Jack forces Ejiro back against the ropes before sending him against the ropes. Jack takes a wild swing with a clothesline but Ejiro dodges underneath and using the ropes to build more momentum. Jack tries to hiptoss Ejiro over, but Fasaki hooks the arm in midair and pulls The Ripper back to the mat with an armdrag. Holding onto the arm, Ejiro goes right back to the armbar as Jack howls in frustration. The Ripper fights up hard against the hold immediately, and he gets up to one knee almost instantly. Not waiting for Jack to make a move, Fasaki begins to drive his elbow down across Jack’s arm and shoulder, trying to drive the arm into a position that nature did not truly intend. Pushing The Ripper back into a corner and pulling his arm down across his body, Fasaki rears back and lets loose a series of kicks to the injured shoulder.

POP!

P… UH OH!

Catching the boot as it swings towards his arm, Jack walks out from the corner as Ejiro is forced to hop backwards on one leg. Thinking quickly, Fasaki swings his other leg around in an attempt at an enziguri, but Jack ducks underneath and slaps on an ankle lock! Wrenching back and forth, Jack tries his hardest to snap the ankle off and take it home with him but Fasaki quickly counters with a forward roll that sends Jack to the mat face first. Quickly trying to capitalize, Fasaki hops onto Jack’s back, hooking the injured arm and trying to lock on the …

“Cobra Crossface! But Jack scrambles to the ropes before Fasaki can lock it on.”

As Matthew Kivell forces Ejiro away from his opponent, Jack looks for an opportunity to get off the defensive. And when Ejiro gets to his feet, Jack sees his moment. Quickly diving at Fasaki with a single leg takedown, Jack forces Ejiro to overbalance and fall backwards to the mat. Latched onto the leg and Ejiro, Jack does a forward summersault onto Fasaki and grabs him around the head, folding Ejiro up like a slinky. Forfeiting the leg, The Ripper puts on a headlock and clamps down hard. But Fasaki quickly escapes out the back door, and snags Jack in a chicken wing armbar. Driving forward with his legs, Ejiro presses the shoulder forward and into the mat. Jack rolls forward in an attempt to alleviate the pressure but Fasaki holds fast, and now his body is across Jack’s as Ejiro bends The Ripper’s arm behind his back.

“Ejiro is showing a whole lot of tenacity today. He’s on that arm like a rabid pit bull.”

Suicide King can’t help but add, “I hope you mean Pit Bull #2 because Gary Wolfe had a broken neck.”

From his position on his back, Jack bridges up on his neck to avoid any opportunity for a three count. Then, with his free arm, The Ripper reaches towards Fasaki’s eyes and pushes his fingernails into them with as much force as he can. Screaming and blinded, Fasaki has no choice but to release the hold. Finally freed, Jack gets to his feet and shakes his injured arm in frustration. Driving his boot into Fasaki’s face, Jack buys himself some more time to recover from his unfortunate injury. Another kick propels Fasaki backwards into the middle turnbuckle hard. Getting a head of steam, Jack charges hard into the corner. But Fasaki sidesteps the charge as The Ripper drives his own injured shoulder into the buckle. Jack bounces away from the buckle and holds his shoulder tightly, trying to keep it from coming off his body. Going for the kill, Fasaki clambers up to the top rope and comes off with a flying frankensteiner! But he gets caught and powerbombed in one swift motion! Driving the back of Fasaki’s head into the canvas and rattling his cage, Jack holds onto the legs from the bomb. Leaping into the air, Jack drops down with two legs across the stomach, completing the 1888 powerbomb combination. Jack rolls away from his fallen opponent, before diving back on top of Ejiro and hooking a leg.

ONE!

TWO!

NO!!!

Ejiro kicks away from the cover just in time to avoid the fall. Taking Fasaki up, Jack hooks Ejiro in a vertical suplex position, lifting up as hard as he can…

“He can’t lift Fasaki, that shoulder is too injured to pick him up!”

“A whole lot of Jack’s offense comes from that position including a new variation of The Ripping that he’s been developing,” shares Suicide King.

But every time Jack tries to lift Fasaki up, Ejiro throws his legs wide in order to block the move. Giving up on the hold, Jack releases Fasaki and drives a big fist into Ejiro’s face. Repeating that order three more times, Jack sends Ejiro into the ropes and drops down for a backdrop. But Fasaki has that move well scouted and leaps over the top for a sunset flip! Kivell drops down to make the count!

ONE!

TWO!

THRE…NO!

Jack swings his legs together around Fasaki’s head to break the cover just in time. Both men rise up to their feet at the same time, but Jack aggressively takes command with a running clothesline with his uninjured arm. Not finished with his opposition just yet, Jack lifts Fasaki off the canvas. The Ripper winds up the arm and sends Fasaki crashing back first into a turnbuckle with an Irish whip. Then, while Ejiro stumbles forwards stunned, Jack hits the ropes behind Ejiro and drives his face into the mat with a Ripper’s Bulldog! Pulling Ejiro closer to the ropes by the arm, Jack climbs all the way to the top turnbuckle. Flinging his head back, The Ripper comes careening off the top turnbuckle with …

“The Shooting Star Press! This got Jack his victory against Ejiro in the triple threat!”

“And again, Jack is putting his feet on the ropes!” exclaims King.

With the extra-added leverage, Jack holds Fasaki down with all his body weight. Oblivious, Kivell counts away as the host of fans in attendance groan at the impending screw job …

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

“What a travesty of justice! What is with these officials nowadays anyway? They never see squat,” yells out Axis.

But as Kivell quickly looks up to signal for the bell, he ACTUALLY DOES see that Jack’s feet are still draped across the ropes. Jack pulls them off, but it is too late for the Londoner. Raising his good arm in victory, Jack becomes furious when Kivell grabs his arm and throws it down, denying The Ripper the victory. Getting extremely upset with the officiating, Jack’s face contorts into such a hateful look that it causes Kivell to back away from the insane grappler. Jack screams out to the crowd that,

“I’m gonna rip his bloody head off!”

Jack The Ripper pulls Ejiro up off the canvas and again sets him up for a vertical suplex. Lifting hard, Jack is still unable to maintain his lift long enough to hit The New Ripping due to his arm injury. Again trying to wrench Ejiro up into the air, Jack again gets blocked when Ejiro throws his legs wide, using his balance to keep from getting lifted. Then, with his feet on the ground again, Ejiro smashes his knee into Jack’s midsection. Driving the knee in again and again, Ejiro finally counters, lifting The Ripper high into the air! Holding Jack up for a moment, Ejiro releases him in midair. Adjusting his grip in midair, Fasaki drives The Ripper down with a viscous Orange Crush powerbomb! The top of Jack’s head is the first to make contact with the mat as Ejiro uses all of his weight to smash Jack into a fine paste. With Jack looking about as limp as Bobby Riley at the Playboy Mansion, Fasaki pulls him over onto his stomach before locking on the dreaded Cobra Crossface! The fans and the announcers scream out in anticipation to see if Jack can last in the feared submission hold.

“The Crossface is locked on! Referee checking in….” reports Axis, “Jack is nowhere near the ropes… ”

“Hold on Jack! Hold on!” screams King.

“There’s nothing he can do from that position,” calls Axis, “he’s totally stuck!”

TAP!

Matthew Kivell signals for the bell frantically before coming back to the competitors. Trying to get Fasaki to release the hold, Kivell frantically taps him on the shoulder. Releasing the crossface, Ejiro rises to his feet as Matthew raises his arm in victory. Walking to the ropes, exhausted but smiling, Fasaki scales to the second rope. Extending his arm to the fans, Fasaki receives an excellent display of respect from the wrestling fans in attendance.

But as the fans cheer on, Leon Sharpe watches a monitor in the backstage area. Growling under his breath, Sharpe stretches out his enormous frame. Looking at the triumphant Fasaki, he mutters, “I’ll get you, you little parasite. I’ll get you. But first, I’m going to get Dangerous… and then… it’s your turn.” Slamming his fist against the monitor, Sharpe begins to head towards the ring as we take a commercial break.

October 4, 2002

We fade to the back where we see Leon Sharpe standing by, drinking a Canadian beer with an EMTs.

Leon Sharpe looks over to the EMT and says "Ya know guys, you have a very important job."

One EMT replies with "Muchos gracias Senor!"

Leon Sharpe nods and continues "You guys do a very important job for me. But, before I get to that, how about that local sports team?!?!"

Sharpe laughs.

The other EMT nods and says "Yeah, the Browns are going fine this year. I hear the Indians didn't do well."

Sharpe smirks.

Sharpe then says "Ya know, the Indians disappointed me. Since I moved out of Detroit for that 10 month stint last year, I jumped away from the Tigers and to the Diamondbacks, but still, didn't the Indians finish poorly?"

One EMT replies with "Si"

Sharpe nods and continues "I saw that thing in Chicago where the fan ran in and beat up the coach, and I know that wouldn't happen in Cleveland. Ya know why?"

An EMT asks "Why?"

Sharpe licks his lips and replies "Because you have to have fans going to your games before they can run out onto the field."

Sharpe laughs as we hear boos from the crowd. "This is the Dawg Pound. Hell, that's only because most people in Cleveland can only afford to eat dog food."

Sharpe laughs some more and continues talking. "You all know what will happen to Johnny Dangerous, right?"

One EMT asks "Que?"

Sharpe smiles and continues. "Let's go though the options, he can either screw up and get DQed like Dwayne Rudd. He can hurt himself like Tim Couch. Or he can get sick of this town and leave to go to Baltimore. Or.. and this is where you come in... I can hurt him. You guys are important to me because, without you EMTs, my victims wouldn't be able to get treated and put back into the ring for more beatings from me. I want to know what after I beat a man silly, that he is getting the best he can get for a non-union deal. Boys, I gotta go. Talk to you later!"

Sharpe walks off, and then stops. "Get the point?"

Sharpe laughs and walks off.

October 4, 2002

We finally return from commercials. We go across the crowd, seeing such signs as "JUDGE MENTAL + VIAGRA = OUR CHAMP WITH TWO GIRLS," "Z FOR COMMISH," and "RAVENS SUCK" which are all over the arena. We end up going back to the SJL Broadcasting Booth of Doom and we see Axis and Suicide King.

Axis: And coming up next on Wrath.. a very intriguing match up between the now former European Champion who has apparently crossed over to the dark side…

King: Eeeexxxxeeeccelent!

Axis: That man being Leon Sharpe.

King: Sharpe is in the mood to beat up most of the people in SJL after he lost his European title, and as long as he beats up Fasaki, I’ll love that.

Axis: Yes, he is, and he will have to show that his actions mean as much as his words when he faces Johnny Dangerous here. Johnny is coming off the Countdown, where he went to the end with Kamikaze before Kamikaze won the European title.

King: Kamikaze never pinned Leon Sharpe for that belt.

Axis: It was a battle royal, you don’t have to pin the guy to win the title!

King: Well.. It was a shame, and I hope Sharpe gets a return match. Although, I sorta like Kamikaze also. Ya know, I will be neutral for that. I just hope to see a vicious beating occur somehow

We see Funyon in the ring.

"The following match is scheduled for one fall, Introducing first"

The lights dim and then "Dragula [Matrix Remix]" by Rob Zombie starts to play.

"DEAD I AM THE ONE, EXTERMINATING SON" is heard over the PA

Funyon proclaims "He hails from Detroit, Michigan, weighing in at 305 pounds, LEON SHARPE!"

Leon Sharpe walks down to the ring in a white singlet and short tights ignoring the fans, who are booing him. Sharpe steps over the top rope, gesturing with a fist up to the crowd. Leon Sharpe stretches in the ring corner as he waits for his match.

King: "Sharpe even has new attire. It’s.. well.. I will get used to it."

Axis: "Clothes do not make the man"

King: "If that is true, how come nudists have so much trouble?"

Funyon stands in the middle of the ring to introduce his opponent.

Funyon: "Introducing second"

The house lights dim as the theme for "James Bond" begins to play

Funyon: "Introducing second, hailing from Las Vegas, Nevada, weighing in at 205 pounds, JOHNNY "THE BARRRRRRACUUUUDDDAA" DANNGGGGERRROUS!"

We see a single white spotlight shining on the entrance area where Johnny steps out. (ala the beginning of any James bond movie.) Johnny strides to the ring with out a care in the world, usually taking the time to wink at a few ladies or even blow a kiss in there general direction but as he is winking, Sharpe ambushes him outside the ring.

King: "Attaboy!"

Sharpe throws Dangerous into the ring barricade, following up with a clothesline that knocks the Secret Agent over the barricade and into the first row. Sharpe steps over the barricade and continues his assault on the Barracuda.

Axis: "Damnit, this match hasn’t even started!"

King: "Maybe Sharpe can remove Johnny, I’m hitting 1.000 when it comes to the removal of guys I hate"

Sharpe picks up a chair from an audience member and whacks Dangerous over the head with it. Sharpe presses Dangerous over his head, doing repetitions and then throwing Dangerous over the barricade and onto the floor at ringside. Sharpe steps over the barricade again but Dangerous is able to meet up when he gets there.

Axis: "Punch to the gut by Dangerous"

King: "But, it does nothing to Sharpe!"

Sharpe laughs at Dangerous and then throws him into the ring. Sharpe steps over the top rope as we hear the ring bell going off to start the match. As Sharpe steps into the ring, Dangerous nails him with an elbow to the gut, and then a spinning heel kick, sending Sharpe back a few steps. Sharpe shakes his head and then makes a gesture to indicate that Dangerous is crazy. Dangerous then hits Sharpe with a savate kick, causing him to stumble back a few steps. Sharpe shakes his head again and laughs, before challenging Dangerous. Dangerous responds by dropkicking Sharpe, sending him over the top rope to the cheers of the fans. Sharpe lands on his feet on the floor.

Axis: "I hope Sharpe hasn’t underestimated Dangerous!"

Dangerous runs towards the ropes, before grabbing the ropes and flinging himself back into the ring as a tease of a move on Sharpe. Sharpe shakes his head and then rolls into the ring. Dangerous starts kicking Sharpe as he rolls into the ring, but when Sharpe gets up, he hits a forearm on Dangerous, sending him stumbling across the ring. Sharpe whips Dangerous into the ropes, as Dangerous is propelling back at Sharpe, Sharpe picks him up with both hands and puts him in a chokehold.

King: "That’s the way to do it!"

"One" counts the Referee, giving Leon five seconds to break the hold.

The Referee counts "Two"

The Referee counts "Three"

The Referee counts "Four"

Sharpe drops Dangerous down on his back. Sharpe smiles and then slaps Dangerous across the face. Sharpe picks up Dangerous and throws him into the corner, following up with a lariat to the trapped Dangerous. Leon cracks his knuckles and then hits the Uraken, smacking Dangerous in the face with the back of his hand. As Dangerous feels hurt but still standing, Sharpe brushes the hair out of his eyes and hits Dangerous with an elbow to the head. Sharpe rakes Dangerous’ eyes on the top rope, receiving a warning from the official. Sharpe walks around the ring for a moment as Dangerous lies on the ground on his stomach.

Axis: "This might not help Sharpe"

King: "He’s walking, he’s showing mercy to Dangerous, because he’s such a.. OOHH.."

At that moment, Sharpe drops two knees on the back of Dangerous’ head.

King: "He’s just cool like that. I can dig that.. sucka."

Sharpe picks up Dangerous by pulling on his hair, following that up by putting him in a side headlock and then giving him a noogie.

Axis: "Sharpe is just infuriating Dangerous by trying to mess up his hair"

King: "It’s been a long time since we’ve seen the Atomic Noogie in Wrestling. But, you know that if we put an oil drill into Johnny’s hair, we wouldn’t need any more oil from the Middle East, because it’s in his hair!"

Axis: "Oh come on! That isn’t true!"

Sharpe throws Dangerous to the canvas and lays the boots to him. Sharpe yanks Dangerous to his feet and laughs at his misfortune. Dangerous gets mad and hits Sharpe across the chest with a chop, barely moving him. Dangerous hits a spinning heel kick, sending Sharpe back to the ropes. As Sharpe walks back up to Dangerous, Dangerous kicks him in the gut and nails him with a DDT. Sharpe rolls over and gets up.

King: "Look at Sharpe shrug off that DDT!"

Sharpe stands up, only to have Dangerous kick him in the gut again and hits another DDT, this one keeping Sharpe down for a few moments. Dangerous follows up with an elbowdrop and a cover.

The Referee counts One!

The Referee counts Two!

Kickout by Sharpe. Sharpe gets onto his feet only to have Dangerous kick him in the gut again, but Sharpe whacks Dangerous in the face with a lariat that leaves Dangerous on the mat in a heap of pain. Sharpe goes for a cover after that.

The Referee counts One!

The Referee counts Two!

Kickout by Dangerous! Sharpe smirks and picks up Dangerous, but Dangerous punches him repeatedly in the gut. Dangerous gets Sharpe in a front face lock and hits him with a swinging neckbreaker. Sharpe lies on the mat in pain for a few moments until Dangerous tries to follow up with a legdrop. Sharpe moves out of the way just in time, leaving Dangerous on the mat. Sharpe yanks up Dangerous and nails a stomachbreaker on him. Sharpe then kicks Dangerous in the ribs, following up with a knee to the ribs. Sharpe hooks Dangerous in a front face lock, lifting him up off his feet by his pants and dropping him down head-first in a DDT variation. Sharpe then hooks a leg and goes for a cover.

The Referee counts One!

The Referee counts Two!

Kickout by Dangerous. Sharpe yanks Dangerous up by the back of his suit and then throws him into the corner backfirst. Sharpe charges in with a big boot, which hits Dangerous, flipping him over onto his stomach. As Dangerous is getting up, Sharpe cracks his knuckles and then winds his arm up, Sharpe swings for another Uraken, but Dangerous is able to duck in time. Dangerous hits a lariat on Sharpe as he swings. Sharpe staggers a bit as Johnny charges and hits a forearm on Sharpe.

Axis: "Johnny might be mounting some offense here"

Johnny kicks Sharpe in the gut and then hooks both arms.

Axis: "This could be the Double Arm DDT"

Sharpe knees Johnny in the gut, hooks his arms around Johnny’s waist and throws him hard in an Overhead Belly to Belly Suplex. Sharpe kicks Dangerous a few times and picks him up again. Sharpe puts his hand around Dangerous’ throat, lifts him up with one arm and plants him with a chokeslam. Sharpe then goes for a cover on Dangerous.

The Referee counts One!

The Referee counts Two!

Kickout by Dangerous! Sharpe picks up Dangerous, slapping him a few times in the face, Sharpe whips Dangerous into the ropes and plants him on the mat with a Spinebuster as he was coming back. Sharpe smirks a bit. During this time, Dangerous was able to get to his feet. Sharpe charges for a lariat, but Dangerous gets out of the way. Dangerous then runs and hits Sharpe with a somersault kick, sending him back a few feet. Dangerous runs in and hits a back wheel kick on Sharpe, sending him back a few more feet. Dangerous runs into the corner and perches himself on the top rope, Sharpe walks out towards the center of the ring and Dangerous leaps, hitting him with a Missile Dropkick, which downs Sharpe. Dangerous hears the cheers of the fans as he runs to another corner and gets onto the top turnbuckle.

Axis: "This might be Dangerous’ Secret Splash!"

King: "Sharpe’s gonna pound his face into the Secret Sauce!"

Dangerous stands with his back to Sharpe on the turnbuckle.

King: "You can’t do a Frog Splash like that, oh, was that a secret?"

Axis: "King, it might be a moonsault"

Dangerous leaps off with a Corkscrew Moonsault, but Sharpe rolls out of the way, leaving Dangerous on the mat. Sharpe hooks his arms around Dangerous’ ribs and hits a kneelift on him. Sharpe then drops him to the ground, hooks his legs and slingshots him into the corner facefirst. Sharpe charges into the corner and hits Dangerous with a clothesline to the back of the head. Sharpe rakes Dangerous’ eyes across the top rope and puts him into the corner back-first. Sharpe then hits another elbow on Dangerous before putting his hands around his neck and lifting him off the ground. Sharpe turns around and throws Dangerous into the top turnbuckle face first.

Axis: "That’s Snake Eyes"

King: "It’s only Snake Eyes for Johnny. Shaken, but stirred also."

Sharpe laughs again at the plight of Dangerous as the fans boo. Sharpe whips Dangerous out of the corner towards the other corner. Dangerous, as he gets thrown into to the other corner, is able to jump onto the second turnbuckle and come back with a spin kick off the top which stuns Sharpe. Dangerous hits Sharpe with a superkick in the middle of the ring, taking Sharpe down to one knee as the fans cheer. Dangerous steps back and winds up for another kick, but as he lets loose with a big Tajiri-esque kick, Sharpe gets out of the way.

Sharpe uses Dangerous’ position after the kick to execute a backdrop on him. Sharpe picks up Dangerous and as he goes for a German Suplex, Dangerous is able to knee his way out of the move. Dangerous then hits Sharpe in the back of the head with an Owenziguri. Sharpe sits on one knee holding the back of the head in pain.

King: "Dangerous has found a spot to hit. He’s gonna hit Sharpe in the back of the head because Sharpe’s smarter than he is. It’s heinous jealousy! At least hit him with a chair to the head if you want to kill brain cells"

Axis: "You have all the ethics of a CIA agent."

King: "I’d overthrow those Commies so fast, they’d never see it coming. I’d whup that Maxwell Smart guy Dangerous."

Dangerous runs up to Sharpe and then raps his legs around Leon’s head, for a Rana. Sharpe blocks the move and prepares to splatter Dangerous in the ring. Dangerous is able to follow though and he takes Sharpe down with a hurricarana, to the cheers of the crowd.

Axis: "Look at Sharpe, he’s stunned!"

King: "Kill him Leon!"

Sharpe gets back onto his feet, but Dangerous charges back in at him. Sharpe ducks a clothesline from Dangerous. Dangerous runs back towards Sharpe, only to meet a sidewalk slam. Sharpe picks up Dangerous again and then rips the black suit off his body.

Axis: "This is deliberate humiliation!"

Sharpe then yanks off the bowtie of Johnny "The Barracuda" Dangerous. Sharpe throws the bowtie into the crowd, causing young women to want to get it for their own sick reasons. Sharpe picks up Dangerous and powerslams him down to the canvas before going for a cover.

The Referee counts One!

The Referee counts Two!

Kickout by Dangerous! Sharpe picks Dangerous up once more and powerslams him down hard, before going for another cover.

The Referee counts One!

The Referee counts Two!

Kickout by Dangerous!

King: "Do it again!"

Sharpe picks up Dangerous and begins to pound on his ribs before putting him into a side bearhug.

King: "Sharpe’s vicious hugging is sure to wear down Dangerous. What? I’m being serious!"

Axis: "Vicious hugging is not a phrase I’d use for this"

King: "That’s just you!"

Sharpe starts trying to shake Johnny ‘The Barracuda’ like a martini, as the fans start to boo Leon’s actions. Sharpe throws Dangerous into the corner and charges in with a high knee. Sharpe throws Dangerous into the center of the ring and kicks him in the gut. Sharpe lifts Dangerous up for a powerbomb, but Dangerous tries to counter into a hurricarana. Although Sharpe blocking another rana leaves Dangerous hanging upside down. Sharpe turns this into a submission maneuver, swinging Dangerous and letting the blood rush to his head

King: "Now, this is CIA torture. It’s like the Inquisition"

Axis: "It’ll be worse if Sharpe drops Dangerous on his head"

King: "CONFESS! CONFESS!"

As the referee is advising Sharpe not to drop Dangerous on his head, Sharpe drops Dangerous, putting him down on his stomach. Sharpe then picks up Dangerous and lifts him up in a suplex position, but Dangerous is able to slide down and get behind Sharpe. Dangerous then rolls up Sharpe from behind.

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT BY SHARPE! Sharpe gets back up, only to meet a kick to the face from Dangerous. Dangerous then kicks Sharpe in the gut.

Axis: "This could be the License to Kill!"

Indeed it was. Dangerous’ Twist of Fate variation was coming up. But, before he could turn, Sharpe blocks the move and counters with an Exploder Suplex that would make Tazz proud.

King: "His license is revoked!"

Sharpe smiles sinisterly as Dangerous lays on the mat. Sharpe yanks Dangerous to his feet, lifts him up in a suplex and then drops him down between his legs in the Leon Sharpe Special. The referee begins a three count.

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT BY BARRACUDA! Sharpe just in shock at this development. Sharpe picks Dangerous up and then presses him over his head before dropping him to the ground with a press slam. Sharpe picks Dangerous up once more and holds him up for a press slam, this time, he drops Dangerous onto his shoulder and slams him onto the mat

Axis: "This is all buildup to the Silver Bullet"

King: "It it’s time for Sharpe to GET ER DUN, as some hick probably says in Toledo!"

Sharpe lifts Dangerous up in another press position, but Dangerous slips out and lands on his feet behind Sharpe, Dangerous grabs onto Sharpe’s head and drops him down with a Reverse DDT.

Axis: "What a counter!"

Dangerous then follows up with a jawbreaker to Sharpe, putting him down on the mat. Dangerous goes towards the corner and climbs to the top turnbuckle.

King: "The first time he did this, it did not work for him at all"

Dangerous flies off the top rope and hits an elbowdrop right to the heart of Sharpe. Dangerous grabs a leg and goes for a cover.

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT!

Sharpe gets up, trying to rest for a few moments. Dangerous wants to follow up with the action that he was putting to Sharpe. Dangerous kicks Sharpe in the gut and hits the License to Kill on Leon Sharpe. Sharpe flops down onto the mat hard and Dangerous goes for a cover on Sharpe.

ONE!

TWO!

THRE—KICKOUT!

Sharpe narrowly kicks out of the License to Kill right there in the ring. Sharpe tries to get to his feet, but Dangerous kicks him in the gut for another License to Kill, which would finish off Sharpe. Dangerous twists for the final part of the move, but Sharpe is barely able to shove Dangerous into a corner. Sharpe charges in with a clothesline which takes down Dangerous. Sharpe then follows up by getting on the second turnbuckle and hitting Dangerous with a clothesline. Sharpe picks up Dangerous, only to have Dangerous go for a small package.

ONE!

TWO!

KICKOUT BY SHARPE! Sharpe kicks out in time. Sharpe kicks Dangerous in the gut and then puts him in a fireman’s carry. Sharpe launches Dangerous over his head and drops him face first with ‘Illegal in 46 States’. Sharpe then flips Dangerous over and goes for a pin.

ONE!

TWO!

THRE- DANGEROUS PUTS HIS FOOT RIGHT ON THE ROPES!

Sharpe picks up Dangerous and whips him towards the ropes, giving him a taste of a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Sharpe lifts Dangerous off the mat and throws him towards the corner, but in the process, the referee gets knocked down by Dangerous. Sharpe shakes his head in mock concern and steps out of the ring. Sharpe then digs under the ring for some items to use. Sharpe takes out a hat, a kayak paddle and a shoe.

Axis: "It’s slim pickings under the ring tonight"

King: "Knowing Sharpe’s choices of weapons, I wouldn’t be surprised if Slim Pickens WAS under the ring."

Sharpe slides his objects into the ring and steps over the top rope, where Dangerous crotches him on the ropes. As Sharpe is in pain, Dangerous throws him to the canvas. Dangerous hits a DDT on Sharpe, but since there is no referee, covering Sharpe would make as much sense as betting on the Bengals to win a football game. Sharpe gets up and then gets a hold of the hat.

King: "HAT IN THE RING! HAT IN THE RING! YOU WON’T SEE THAT IN A BASEBALL GAME!"

Axis: "Not unless a fan attacks somebody"

Sharpe flings the hat at Dangerous’ head.

King: "Shades of Oddjob!"

The hat hits Dangerous in the head and it does nothing. Sharpe picks up the paddle, but Dangerous kicks it out of his hands. Sharpe whips Dangerous to the ropes and hits a short-arm clothesline, then Sharpe picks up the Shoe, mockingly using the sole of it to dial.

King: "Shades of Maxwell Smart!"

Axis: "Would you believe that?"

Sharpe then hits Dangerous with the shoe.

King: "Shades of JJ Dillon and his loafer of death!"

This does nothing to Dangerous, as he removes the shoe from the ring. The referee is getting to his feet right about now, and Sharpe capitalizes by hitting a release German Suplex on Dangerous. Dangerous is launched onto his stomach and Sharpe flips him over for a cover.

ONE!

TWO!

T.. KICKOUT BY DANGEROUS!

Sharpe shakes his head in disappointment, but then picks Dangerous up, only to have Dangerous hit him in the gut again. Dangerous hits a chop to the chest followed by a crane kick, Sharpe stumbles back a few feet and Dangerous jumps onto the top rope. But, Sharpe just happens to collide with the top rope, which sends Dangerous’ secret agent nuts onto a world of hurt on the top turnbuckle. Sharpe gets an admonishment by the referee as Johnny Dangerous counts out meeting ladies later. Sharpe then goes towards the corner and steps onto the top turnbuckle with his back to the ring and Dangerous facing him. Sharpe puts Dangerous between his legs and lifts him up. Sharpe then jumps off the top rope, turning in the air and powerbombing Dangerous onto the mat below.

Axis: "Top rope Powerbomb by Sharpe!"

King: "It’s over!"

Sharpe makes a cover.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

Sharpe raises his hands in victory after the three count.

Axis: "Leon Sharpe is the first to defeat Johnny Dangerous in singles action!"

King: "And he did it with that Powerbomb from the top."

Sharpe then stomps on Dangerous some more after the match.

Axis: "Oh come on!"

Sharpe picks up Dangerous in a gorilla press, and then drops him down and hits the Silver Bullet on Dangerous.

King: "I can get to like this Leon Sharpe. He’s edgy and in your face. That’s much better than being a shill!"

Sharpe smirks and walks out of the ring.

Axis: "We’ll be back after these commericals!"

King: "Don’t even think of switching to Baseball, they just scratch their groins and chew tobacco! SJL is where the real inanimate object action is at when Flexx takes on the Broomstick!"

Axis: "Oh, for the love of god, shut up about baseball! We'll be back!"

We fade to commercials.

October 4, 2002

Axis: and we are back here on Metal, with a match that people are waiting for.

King: Yeah! Flexxx is gonna wrestle a broomstick! That broomstick is gonna get it!

Edwin: It is a broom, it’s definitely not alive, and hopefully Flexxx can win tonight.

King: If we doesn’t, then he gets to meet Old Yeller!

Axis: That’s cruel! If he is killed, he doesn’t go to doggie heaven, he goes to human hell… uh… anyways..

Funyon stands in the ring with the microphone to announce the match.

Funyon: "The following is a Man v. Broomstick Match scheduled for one fall and anything goes!"

King: "Finally man can prove itself to be superior to the broomstick!"

Funyon: "Introducing first…."

The arena turns pitch black and red strobelights pulsate at the entrance, when "Born as Ghosts" plays and a video of Flexxx's signature attacks is shown on the SmarkTron screen.

"From Rochester, New York, weighing in at 247 pounds, HE IS FLEEEEEEEXXXXXXXXXXXXX!!!!!"

Flexxx walks onto the ramp and does the Diamond Cutter taunt... he then breaks his hands apart, signaling a huge yellow stream of pyro to fly into the ramp and explode three times! From within the yellow smoke created by the explosions, Flexxx twirls around his kendo stick and calmly walks down the ring, maybe with some arrogant gestures/taunts along the way. Flexxx then enters the ring walks to the center, then he mounts all four turnbuckles, raising his fists up in the air.

Funyon booms out loudly.

"And his opponent"

The lights dim as we hear a voice over the screen.

"Now broom, you must now sweep for me. The dust, it fills my room."

Funyon: "From Broom Hill, Indiana, weighing in at 4 and a half pounds, the Inanimate Object Junior Heavyweight Champion, THE BROOM, THE MYTH, THE LEGEND, HE IS THE BROOM THEY CALL BROOMSTICK!"

The song "I am not your broom" by They Might Be Giants continues in the background

"No John, I will not sweep for you, for I am not your broom."

"What nonsense are you speaking, broom? My words you must obey."

"Another life awaits me and I'm leaving you today. I am not your broom! I am not your broom! I've had enough -- I'm throwing off my chains of servitude! I am not your broom! I am not your broom! No longer must I sweep for you, for I am not your broom."

The fans begin cheering as two girls walk out carrying a Broomstick down to the ring. The Broomstick appears to be average length and it is made out of wood. The girls enter the ring and put the broomstick in a corner.

Edwin: "This is weirdly Freudian"

Flexxx walks out to the center of the ring and challenges the broom to a flexing contest, but the Broom does not move. Flexxx then walks into the corner, picks up the broomstick and locks up with it.

King: "This might be Flexxx’s biggest match to date!"

Flexxx hits a German Suplex on the Broom, taking it down hard to the mat. Flexxx picks the Broomstick up and gives it a Backbreaker.

Edwin: "That broom is tough, it played college football for Rutgers!"

Axis: "And it was the Team Captain!"

Flexxx gives the Broomstick one vertical suplex, followed by another, and another. Flexxx then kicks the Broomstick to see if it has had enough.

King: "That Broomstick should have never mouthed off to Flexxx"

Flexxx kicks the Broomstick and then powerbombs it in the center of the ring. Flexxx goes for a cover.

ONE!

TWO!

FLEXXX YANKS THE BROOMSTICK UP! HE’S NOT DONE YET!

Flexx kicks the Broomstick and laughs. Flexxx picks the Broomstick up in a Gorilla Press slam position and throws it over the top rope to the floor.

King: "THAT BROOMSTICK MIGHT BE BROKEN IN HALF! BAH GOD!"

Axis: "This is a total joke match"

King: "You’re right, the Broomstick is a champion and he’s failed to get any offense in"

Edwin: "How do you win a title if you’re an inanimate object?"

King: "By blowing the daughter of the head inanimate object, you idiot"

Edwin: "You’ve blown a few non-human things in your career, haven’t you?"

King: "You’re one to talk!"

Flexxx goes though the ropes, stands on the apron and hits an elbowdrop off the apron onto the Broomstick. Flexxx then throws the Broom into the ring. Flexxx then picks the broomstick up, and accidently pokes himself in the eye with it

King: "EYEPOKE BY THE BROOMSTICK! IT FIGHTS DIRTY!"

Flexx stumbles around, entangling the broom in his legs, taking him down to the mat.

Axis: "DROP TOE HOLD FROM THE JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!"

King: "Damnit, who’s the Pagan here that’s been bringing this broomstick to life?"

Edwin: "Not me!"

Flexxx gets up in embarrassment, and begins kicking the broom. Flexxx then spits on the broom before picking it up off the mat. Flexxx puts the Broom in position for a fallaway slam and walks all over the ring with the Broom in his hands, suddenly…

Axis: "HE SLIPS!"

Flexxx hits his back hard on the mat after slipping, leaving the Broom on top of him.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

Axis: "THE BROOM WINS!"

Funyon: "Your winner of the match, THE BROOMSTICK!"

Edwin: "Flexxx slipped on his own spit and fell down onto the mat. Damn, it must suck to be him now!"

King: "Flexxx has disgraced mankind by losing to a Broomstick. Let me tell you this, I’m sure the only guy who regularly lost to Broomsticks as Cutthroat but he sucked. Flexxx, What happened?"

Axis: "This is a sad day for SJL"

Edwin: "Flexxx, don't spit!"

King: "Edwin, this is Cleveland, he's close enough! But, I’m sure the Broom’s ass is grass in a rematch"

Axis: "We’ll be back after a short break"

We fade to commercials.

October 4, 2002

(The camera illuminates back to life as it reveals the waves of enthusiasts all shouting at the top of their lungs. Signs like “WE WANT G0R0!” and a throng of fans showing their pride for MVS as they sport he new shirt. Another sign asks the question, “Why 30 bucks Leon? WHY?” The camera then descends near ringside where Scott Keefe is contently hanging out one star rating to the previous matches and a sign of “Worst. Match. Ever.” Is next to him. The camera finally settles down to the announcer’s table with Suicide King on the right and Axis to the left. The two look nearly miserable as the ex-JL commissioner is missing in action).

Axis sighs slowly and begins to talk, “Welcome back to METAL! I’m here with Ed-… the nasty Suicide King and myself!” His voice is rather monotone.

“Yes, right… and after this exciting show has been I just can’t wait to watch a drunken Irish brawler fight the Music Man gone insane!” Suicide King’s voice heavily drips with sarcasm.

“Um, right. However this is Edwin’s LAST made card before he, well, ran off… so I’m just assuming he sees the heap load of potential in these two!” Axis tries to explain and Scott Keefe in the audience asked himself if Dillon had been Edwin’s beverage hook-up.

Suicide King runs his hand through his blonde hair and fixes up his polo shirt collar, as he gets uncomfortable about the mention of Edwin’s disappearance.

Suddenly the whole Gund Area experiences a blackout, and Bach's "Toccata and Fugue in D minor" starts up. After the first few measures (when it gets to the faster part), white lights and a handful of strobe lights flash left and right. Fugue appears and slinks down the ramp, smiling at the crowd.

“Introducing next from Philly… and weighing in at 181… he is the only Bach freak in the S-J-L… FUUUGUUUE!” A slew of boos.

The music then transition into the sWo theme, "Ashes in the fall", and Fugue slides into the ring. Fugue slides into the ring and goes to the various sides to look at the crowds but doesn’t make any posses. He’s clad in the black t-shirt, baggy black pants and the white sneakers. He parts away his longer brown hair (which makes him look like an evil Jesus) as he is prepared to meet his opponent. The fans throw out their good share of jeers, but don’t care too much one way or another.

Dropkick Murphy’s “Barroom Hero” begins to play, the bagpipes begin to blare and then the lyrics start (“Face down in the gutter, won’t admit defeat… those clothes are soiled and black!”). Suddenly, cheap green shamrock confetti falls from the rafters and all the younger audience desperately tries to catch the confetti. (“He’s a big, strong man with a child’s mind, don’t you take your booze away!”). Orange and Green pyro blows off to the sides and Tim Dillon appears on the stage with his tweed cap fixed awkwardly to the side.

“Introducing from Limerick, Ireland… weighing in at a puny 168… he is your favorite Irish ‘Twig’… TIIIM DILLOONN!” Funyon’s voice booms to a section of hard-core fans cheering. Soaking up the cheers, he begins struts down the stage with his arms in a boxer’s defensive pose as he throws a few punches into thin air. He then slaps a few willing fans hands and proceeds to slide into the ring. Tim then takes off the cap and chucks it towards the first row. There’s a quick battle for it but a little midget ends up victorious as he hops up in down with the cap on. The camera fixes on that sight as a fourteen-year-old swipe the hat off the wee-man’s head and sprints away.

DING! DING! DING! The bell chimes loudly and the fans all prepare themselves for the match.

Fugue and Tim Dillon suddenly grapple in the center of the ring. Fugue puts an iron lock on his wrist and then Dillon’s arm gets twisted into a hammerlock. Tim then tries to out wrestling Fugue as he ducks down and goes to twist around. But Fugue counters by slamming his knee into Tim’s shoulder while he’s bend down. Fugue, who retained the lock the whole time, then, twists it back into the hammerlock. Tim Dillon suddenly drops to the mat as he twists his arm out of the lock and he grabs Fugue’s arm. He ends the move by grabbing Fugue and hitting a fireman’s carry. The two roll back up into standing position and grapple again; Fugue whips Tim into the ropes. As he returns Tim gets slammed into the mat with a drop toehold from Fugue. The psycho proceeds to struggle to put in the armbar Dillon flails his legs and arms while the two shift towards the ropes. Fugue doesn’t quit and he finally locks in an efficient armbar. Tim Dillon is one step ahead of Fugue as he frees his arm while shoving all his weight to Fugue’s side. It causes Fugue to fall to the mat and Dillon grabs both legs and pushes them back by his head, hitting a roll-up.

ONE! Fugue kicks out and Dillon rolls backwards and hits the ropes as Fugue scrambles to get up. Fugue does get up only to be hit with a Crossbody that brings Fugue down and into another early pin attempt.

ONE! Fugue kicks out, frustrated. He gets back to his feet before Dillon, and Fugue locks into a grapple by the ropes. Fugue grabs more than handful of Dillon’s fine, blonde hair and tries to toss him over the top rope. Dillon grabs the top rope and situates himself as he lands onto the apron, still holding the ropes. He then ducks under the second rope and shoulder barges into Fugue’s stomach. Dillon then gets back to standing and he leaps over the ropes and flips over Fugue, going for a sunset flip. Fugue has a surprise for Dillon as Fugue drops to one knee that lands square on Dillon’s attractive face. Tim swears out loud as Fugue pulls him up. Dillon throws a punch to Fugue’s chin causing him to reel backwards and Tim follows through with a knee stomp straight onto Fugue’s kneecap. Fugue’s knee buckles momentarily and he stumbles forwards only to get hit by a headlock and then brought down by a quick DDT. Fugue ignores the pain and slowly rolls back up to his feet only to be meet with another headlock. Fugue counters his one as he throws Dillon over in a northern lights suplex. Dillon lands on his back in pain and Fugue slinks over. Fugue then slams his white sneaker into Dillon’s shoulder and Tim winces in pain, yet rolls away. Tim rolls back to his feet only to be bombarded by another grapple. Tim is able to throw a knee to Fugue’s gut and worm his way out of the grapple. Dillon throws a dropkick that sends Fugue reeling into the ropes. Tim leaps to his feet and faces the fans getting ready to jig, but Fugue suddenly somersaults near Tim. Dillon turns around in awareness but is catch by a neckbreaker, leaving Tim helpless for a second. Fugue then grabs his one arm as he lies to the side of Tim. Fugue places his legs tightly around Tim’s other arm as he pulls onto the arm he grasps with his hands. Dillon yelps in pain and he attempts to find the ropes. He’s in no luck as he’s near the center of the ring. He then stomps his foot down, pausing each time to let Matthew Kivell know it’s for crowd response and not tapping out. The crowd then begins to cheer and Tim mutters in Gaelic, “Idiots.” He then continues to stomp his foot until someone in the crowd is smart enough (or enough of a Dropkick Murphy’s fan) to figure out what Tim wants.

A sudden, distant yet loud “Oi!” rises. Like a plague the chant spreads and soon Tim grins as he listens to the chants.

“Bah, why the hell would you rally behind him?” Suicide King bitterly asks.

The chant speeds up and Tim is able to free his arm that was held by Fugue’s feet. He then uses that chance to slam his fist down on Fugue’s kneecap and Fugue yells in pain. The hold now loosened Tim simply rolls backwards making Fugue free the hold. The Irishman stands up to hit a punch to Fugue’s nose, then a left to his chin, then another right to his cheek. Dillon continues his assault as the chant continues to pick up pace. As it reaches the point of it being too speedy Dillon busts into a jig while Fugue stumbles forwards dazed. The Irishman then sends a dropkick that sends Fugue flying back. Tim swears out loud as the chant shifts to cheers and he glances at his right arm.

“That arm may be hurt, and all those punches certainly won’t help.” Axis thoughtfully points out.

“Yes, Irish Fury my ass.” SK adds in.

Fugue slowly gets back to his feet and charges at Dillon and hits his own dropkick. This one, however, is more effective as Dillon flips over the top rope and lands on his feet. He stumbles and slams into the guardrail as the fans all slap his back of head in support. Fugue’s grin somehow widens and he charges at full speed. Nearing the ropes he leaps out and over the tope rope and puts his arms out like Superman. He slams into Dillon creating an absolute train wreck as Matthew begins the count.

ONE! No movement from either.

TWO! Fugue slowly gets to his feet and he shakes off the temporary pain. He then grabs Dillon by his hair and pulls him up.

THREE! Fugue grabs Dillon’s arm while he leaps over the guardrail and into the fans. Security flocks over while the fans all get ready to riot and nearly kill Fugue as he slams Dillon’s arm (which has been worked on) against the barricade.

FOUR! Security saves Fugue, who hops onto the guardrail and leaps off it into a knee drop onto Dillon’s bad arm.

FIVE! Tim swears very loudly as Fugue rolls off his bad arm. Fugue then feels free to slide back into the ring. He takes a few steps back ready to go for another dive over the ropes but Kivell warns him not too. Fugue turns his head and barks at Matthew to shut up as he charges forwards towards the now standing Dillon.

SIX! The fans all see what Tim does and they all burst into cheers as Fugue is in the air vertically Tim, (who had taken a swig out of his trusty flask) spits the Bushmills into Fugue’s eyes and face! Fugue is blind as a bat as he slams into the steel barricade and wheezes for air.

“THAT IS A DQ!” King protests loudly, though he’s right Kivell doesn’t make the call.

“And Fugue ignored the ref! They cancel each other out!” Axis exclaims marking out for the Bushmills mist.

SEVEN! Tim then takes a swig of his favorite beverage and his arm begins to ache less.

EIGHT! Dillon grabs Fugue by his grungy brown hair and tosses him back into the ring. Near the nine count Tim slides in also. Tim then hooks Fugue’s leg for the pin.

“Early win!” Axis hopes (as does Scott Keefe who goes to grab his trusty sign).

ONE!

As Matthew’s hand rises in the air the Music Man kicks out. Tim sighs and then grabs Fugue and pulls him up. Tim Dillon grabs Fugue’s wrist and throws him into the ropes as he goes whipping into the ropes himself. Fugue (eyes now done watering and breathing regulated) has enough sense to see Tim hunched down ready to go for the gore. Fugue reverses by slamming in a headlock and Fugue lands on his back harshly while Dillon’s head is slammed into a DDT.

“Nice reversal, see Fugue has skills… not even close enough to even dream of facing me… but better than this lousy phony Dillon.” King bashes. (While Scott Keefe quotes that).

Fugue then grabs Dillon’s arm and goes for armbar again. His ring positioning does not work for him as Tim clutches the ropes with his free hand. Matthew insists Fugue lets go, but Fugue instead just retains the hold. Matthew begins the warning count and Fugue then releases the hold. He sighs while he’s grinning (which looks very creepy if you haven’t seen it). He stands back up and suddenly mini-speared into the ropes by Dillon! Fugue bounces and Dillon positions himself to his back as he monkey flips Fugue into the air! Fugue soars through the air and screams in happiness as he slams against the canvas. He bounces back into the air, retaining the grin.

“God, he landed right on his neck.” Axis comments, “And he loves it.” Axis adds in.

“So what’s it like to lose to your Aussie friend?” SK asks off-hand and Axis shoots him an evil glare.

Dillon, who looks as gleeful as a kid who’s found his mom’s stash of cookies, struts towards Fugue ready to pound on him. Tim is taken by surprise as Fugue suddenly stands on his feet and Dillon changes plans. They collide in a grapple and Fugue goes for an Irish whip but Tim reverses it into a hammerlock. He follows through hitting one of his signature moves by ending it with a reverse DDT. Tim instead of going for the cover sits on top of Fugue’s chest and begins to pound him down with punches. Tim Dillon creases to a halt to see Fugue still grinning, Tim freaked out slams his fist into Fugue’s mouth as the blood begins to cover his teeth. Amazingly Fugue does have all his teeth afterwards and Matthew pulls Dillon off. Fugue still grins letting the blood seep down his chin.

“Creepy, yeah.” Axis simply puts it.

Suicide King slowly nods in agreement.

Fugue gets up and swipes the back of his hand to feel for his blood. He then wipes it against his shirt and in a newfound adrenaline high he charges forwards. He then somersaults and then lands back on his feet as he goes to flip onto Dillon. Tim Dillon in self-defensive catches him as Fugue dangles (causing the blood to flow near his nose). Dillon uses his strength and pulls Fugue up and hits the powerbomb on Fugue, who lands on his neck.

“More neck abuse.” Axis points out.

Dillon then drops to his stomach and hooks Fugue’s leg,

ONE!

TWO!

THREE! The crowd finishes but Fugue kicks out. Matthew shows it with his fingers in the air and all the fans groan.

“Ha! Take that Irish freak!” Suicide King says and he pumps his fist into the air.

“What do you have against Dillon?” Axis asks, bewildered.

Dillon groans out loud and bitches to Matthew it was a slow count in Gaelic. During his process Fugue gets to his feet shaking, he taps Dillon on the shoulder and he whips around. Tim’s bombarded by another Northern Lights Suplex and Fugue retains the hold. He throws Dillon over for the second and releases, a bit too exhausted to finish the chain Northern Lights Suplexes. Fugue instead of going for the cover pulls up Dillon and he sneaks behind his foe. Fugue suddenly locks in the full nelson and runs (as fast as a fatigued man can) and he hits a full nelson bulldog in dead center of the ring.

“Whoa, wait! Could it be a Major Chord?” Axis predicts and he’s correct.

Fugue continues to retain that hold and he bridges it getting an absurdly negative reaction from the fans. Tim Dillon screams in pain as Fugue puts even more pressure on Dillon’s arm. Tim’s face scrunches into pain and then his hand rises in the air…

“Don’t tap!”

Dillon then profusely taps repeatedly against the canvas as the bell chimes in.

“Your winner at 4:47… FUUUUGGGUUUEE!” Funyon announces to boos.

“Yes! Heels rule!” SK exclaims.

Axis growls and mumbles about more to come.

-Fade to black.-

October 4, 2002

(The cameraman lurks backstage in hallways of the arena. The camera nabs a peek at two girls strutting suggestively to the sWo locker room, but sudden footsteps make it peer down the long stretch of hall. The SJL employee was in the dead-end hallway with majority of the locker rooms. Nervously waiting the cameraman kneels down near the end of the hallway. It suddenly shows Tim Dillon wobbling down the hallways, very weary from his last match. He slowly whipped his hair back and fixed it back to its messy style and he wipes the sweat onto his shirt. The Irishman finally stumbles towards his door and as he grasps the handle, Candice opens the door and pops out. Tim’s heart nearly jumps out of his skin and Candice giggles).

“Good job, hun.” She reassures him. She wears the same tight, faded blue jeans and a black, belly tee.

Tim nods and begins to stumble towards the locker room but a sudden voice echoes throughout the halls.

“Hey Dillon!”

Tim whirls around to see Leon Sharpe, looking mighty angry stalking towards him. Dillon shoves Candice into the room gently (and she pokes her head out, watching concerned). Dillon whips his head around and nearly hisses and then turns his head to see Leon pressed against him. His eyes shine with intensity and Dillon tries to act casual.

“I heard your little stunt about me.” Leon accuses and he gives Dillon a shove.

Tim’s eyes open wide in fear and he tries to ignore Sharpe’s hostility, “I saw your stunt to!” He rebuttals. Leon shrugs nonchalantly and nods in agreement.

Tim shakes his head sadly and blinks his eyes slowly. Suddenly his back is on fire as Leon grabs Tim by his throat and slams him into his shut locker door. “Our alliance? Gone!” He snaps and Tim then throws his hands around Leon’s neck. Leon drops Tim down to his feet and Sharpe misses a punch as it slams against the locker room door. He swears and Tim stays bent down and he spears Leon against the wall in self-defensive.

“Bloody arse.” Dillon swears as he throws an uppercut so fast it was nearly a blur. Leon’s head snaps back and slams against the wall. Leon delivers two palm strikes like a shove to his shoulders and Dillon stumbles back. He slams against the wall and Leon ducks down going for the Silver Bullet or something of the likes. Your favorite Irishman throws a knee to Leon’s chin and Dillon does to throw Leon against the wall. Sharpe restrains himself and he grabs Tim and slams the top of his head against the cement wall. Dillon falls to the ground helpless and reduces to a crippled heap. Leon spits on Tim’s shirt and then gives a quick stomp on his head. Leon laughs as his first task is done and he becomes to stroll away. Candice suddenly explodes from the locker room bending down to check on her boyfriend while the cameraman charges forwards going to help Dillon.

October 4, 2002

Axis: Next up, we’ve got Thor taking on Spike Jenkins. These two have faced off MANY times in the past and have gone down separate paths with Thor focusing on the World title and Spike on the Euro. But now their paths converge once again in a rematch that many fans have wanted to see for a long time.

King: Well, seeing as how Jenkins has won EVERY TIME they’ve faced, I have good reason to believe that tonight will be no different.

Axis: What are you talking about King? Jenkins has only pinned Thor once out of the five times they’ve faced. Now unless my math is a little fuzzy, that puts Thor ahead of...

King cuts Axis off: Your math blows.

The arena is suddenly plunged into darkness as the fans sit in anticipation. The opening chords of KISS “God of Thunder” begins to play as the fans start their gradual crescendo of cheers. The lightning bolt comes hurtling to Midgard and crashes to the stage, causing smoke to pour fill the entranceway. As the music drives, the fans become more and more audible, until it reaches a climax, causing blue and white pyros to fire off crossing each other over the stage. The ripping vocals of Gene Simmons screech from the speakers as Thor emerges through the smoke.

He walks down the ramp with the fans cheering all the way, though he is not playing to the fans in his usual manner. No flexing... no hammer raising... hell, not even a “HOOOOO!!”. Thor’s head hangs down sullenly as he makes his way to the ring. As he slowly enters without ring ropes to obstruct him, the music has faded and the crowd is now silent. Thor takes from ringside a microphone as the crowd looks on in eagerness to see what mighty boast will spew from the lips of the God of Thunder.

Axis: Thor is definitely down here to show Spike Jenkins who is boss.

King: How do you figure?

Axis: Thor is in the ring, facing Spike Jenkins tonight, he has a mic, what else would he be doing?

The fans start a “GOD OF THUNDER!! clap, clap, clapclapclap GOD OF THUNDER!!” chant and Thor raises his mitt of a hand to silence them. “Nay Mortals.” he says almost sadly. “’Tis with a heavy heart that I deliver thee news. Last night, the All-Father contacted me and bore unfortunate information. It seems that an insurrection of a tribe of renegade frost giants has slipped past Heimdall, whose keen ears can hear the wool grow on the back of sheep from one hundred leagues away. A spell from the green Loki kept Heimdall sleeping long enow to allow the giants to cross Bifrost.”

The slightly puzzled fans feel Thor’s anguish as they obliviously begin to chant “GREEN AS GRASS!!” at the mention of Loki. Thor chuckles warmly at the fans attempt at consolation. “One thing about ye mortals, you’ve always managed to make me laugh.” Thor stops and thinks for a moment, then speaks on. “This untimely news comes to me at an inopportune time indeed. Odin says that the giants will reach the fortified walls of Asgard by a mortal fortnight, perhaps sooner granted their massive size. The Æsir have already started to prepare but need my assistance to fend off the fiends.”

King: He’s LEAVING!?!? Yesssss!

Axis: This cant be good...

The fans begin to boo in hatred for the frost giants. “So ‘tis with a heavy heart that I leave thee, but my appointments in the realm of the gods take precedent over my trifles on Midgard. Fear not though, for though I will be gone for some time, my job in the SJL is nearly complete. [freestyle] The evil known as Mak Francis has left, gone on to plague the SWF. The JL is now almost safe again, except for one small loose end. [/freestyle] You, Spike Jenkins, have been a thorn in my side since you joined the federation. For all the indignities I have suffered at your hands, you will pay dearly.

“But you, the fans, you who have helped me get where I am today in this wonderful pageantry known as wrestling will also lead to the downfall of Spike Jenkins this evening. By supporting my efforts tonight, will you have made my wonderful, yet all too short tenure in the Smarks Junior League worth while. So without further delay, Spike Jenkins, bring thine ass down to this ropeless ring and feel the wrath of Thor! HOOOOOOOO...”

“OOOOOOLD ON A SECOND!!” The fans are puzzled but soon break out into boos as they realize where the last bit of dialogue came from. “Hollywood” Spike Jenkins is now standing on the ramp finishing where Thor left off.

Axis: What the...?

King: Yes! The king of the world is here to save the day!

“Wait just one second there you big bastard! Now who said you could just leave Earth without asking the KING of the WORLD?! Now I know you’re kinda slow but try and keep up anyways. We’ve still got some unfinished business left and I’ll just BET that you’re pissed after getting pinned by ME, Spike Jenkins, a couple of weeks ago on Wrath. I mean, after all, I DID pin you with little more than my boot!” The fans erupt in heavy boos.

“So I’ll tell you what, BRIGHT BOY!! You may have pinned me before, but I’ll have NO problem taking you out without any ropes for you to bounce your big hide off. It is going to be my PLEASURE to retire you, you comic book reject! Like you could stand a CHANCE in hell of beating me!” Thor only smirks and says “Listen boy, there are three things you need to know. One: I’ve been to Hel... it’s a rough place. Two: You may be the ‘king of the world’, but you’re nothing until you’ve taken on a GOD!! And three: Bring thine ass down to the ring and, in the words of the legendary HVille Thugg... I WILL WRECK YO SHIT!!” The crowd pops like mad at the reference to their greatest champion as Spike charges to the ring.

Axis: Wow, bold statement from Thor before what will be his last match in the SJL.

King: Good, I’m glad to see that that comic book reject is no longer going to stink up the SJL rings.

Axis: Come on King, everyone liked Thor for something. What about for being the sWo’s whipping boy time and time again?

King: Ok, ONE thing he was good at...

DING!! DING!! DING!!

Jenkins jumps up to the apron and charges at Thor and Jenkins begins to throws a flurry of rapid punches at Thor’s midsection. When Jenkins is through he looks up and only sees Thor’s smiling face. Discouraged he hits a quick dropkick, knocking Thor back several feet, enough for Jenkins to charge Thor and knock him to the mat with a vicious superkick. He takes advantage of his situation by lying on top of Thor and quickly hooking the leg for the cover.

1

.

Thor powers out by tossing Jenkins straight in the air and rolling out of the way just in time for Spike to come crashing to the canvas. With the agility of a cat, “Hollywood” springs to his feet and rubs his face to clear the cobwebs from his mind. After he opens his eyes, he sees Thor charging straight at him, arm extended, hoping to catch Jenkins with a powerful clothesline. Jenkins sees the move coming and ducks beneath Thor’s massive trunk of an arm. Thor stops before falling to the outside and turns around, only to get planted with a back kick, from the second turnbuckle sending Thor crashing outside.

Axis: Clothesline attempted but Spike ducks under and hits a back kick off the second turnbuckle.

King: Man, Jenkins can really move. Its a wonder he hasn’t gotten bumped yet.

Axis: I think you have to get an honest victory first King.

King: Why? I didn’t.

Thor gets up slowly and shakes his head to regain his wits. At the last second he looks up and sees Jenkins coming off the top turnbuckle legs first. Instinctively, Thor moves out of the way, allowing Spike Jenkins the PAINFUL experience of crotching himself on the STEEL GUARD RAIL!! The male portion of the crowd and even some females let out a loud groan, feeling Jenkins pain. Jenkins lets out a loud and rather feminine shriek upon collision and promptly falls to the outside holding his shattered testes in excruciating pain.

The crowd begins to give a rather ECWish “HOLY SHIT!! HOLY SHIT!!” chant as Jenkins lays on the ground, quivering in pain. Thor’s face scrunches up in terror upon seeing Spike’s predicament, but at a split second, Thor realizes that the ref is counting the men out, while holding his own package in anguish. The ref is at the count of nine when Thor rolls in the ring to break the count. Out of pure sympathy, Thor gives Spike a minute to recuperate, though little good it will do him.

Axis: I DON’T BELIEVE IT!! Spike Jenkins just smashed his testicles on the steel guard rail after missing that missile dropkick attempt FROM THE TOP TURNBUCKLE!!

Suicide King is too busy holding himself to actually comment on the match.

Axis: You’ve got to wonder what kind of shape Spike Jenkins will be in to compete in the rest of the match. A fall like that can actually cause internal bleeding, let alone squash your ability to reproduce.

An exhausted Spike Jenkins stumbles to his feet slowly... very slowly. With extreme effort put into every step, Jenkins rolls back into the ring and Thor follows suit. With intense care, Jenkins stands up straight, keeping one hand on his wounded meat at all times. Jenkins throws a hard right to Thor’s face and then kicks out the back of his knee, causing him to drop to one knee. Jenkins backs up and then charges forward, rolling along the mat until he reaches the general proximity of Thor. At which point he jumps over him and brings him back down to the mat with a neckbreaker.

Spike gets back up, placing his hand back over his injury and kicks Thor in the side of the head repeatedly, angry over his possible inability to reproduce. The ref pushes Jenkins back, scolding him for his sadism. Spike argues back by yelling about his balls. With the ref and his opponent busy bickering, Thor has time to get up and maneuvers the ref out of his way in order to get at Jenkins. Spike is taken by surprise by Thor’s fist colliding violently with his face, which causes Spike’s eyes to cross.

Axis: Ladies and gentlemen, I’m going to apologize in advance for the brutality of this match. We’ve had actual HARDCORE matches less violent than this one!

King: Thor should be FIRED!! No one should EVER injure another man in that fashion!

Axis: Well you’ll have to see Edwin about that... *Axis looks over at Edwin’s empty chair and realizes that Edwin is gone* Anyways, it wasn’t actually Thor that injured Jenkins, he crotched HIMSELF on the railing.

King: Pish posh!

Thor grabs Jenkins and whips him across the ring, hoping that Spike, in his troubled condition, will forget the absence of the ropes. Jenkins is apparently still aware enough to remember the matches stipulation and he stops just short of the ring apron and with his free hand taps to the side of his head, he’s no fool. As Spike turns around, he is caught by Thor and lifted high in the air. Up he goes until he is laying on top of Thor’s massive hands.

Thor cracks a grin and presses him above his head once... twice... three times and after the third he spins around slowly to showcase his strength. But Jenkins manages to wriggle free and reverse the move into a hurrincanrana! Thor is spun to the mat and Jenkins rolls over into a cover.

1

.

2

.

Thor kicks out at two and a half. Spike will have to do better than that in order to keep Thor down. Spike backs up and allows Thor to get to his feet as well. Thor staggers Jenkins with several rights and backs him into the corner. Thor crouches down and prepares to spring into action while the wheels in Jenkins’ head begin to turn.

Axis: Spike Jenkins is managing to do quite well despite his unfortunate... umm... injury.

King: How dare you mock the king of the world! The man got his berries crushed and you sit there and make fun of him. How about I mention that you were talking trash about him and he comes over here and lays further waste to your leg hmm?

Axis grumbles.

Thor claps his hands over his head in an effort to get the crowd going and they respond immediately by mimicking his actions. Finally, with enough crowd support, Thor charges. Jenkins though pulls the ref in front of him as if to talk and steps out of the way quickly, causing the speeding Thor to smash the referee in between the turnbuckle and the mass of the Thunder God. With the ref incapacitated and Thor down, Jenkins bails to the outside and ganks a steel chair.

He rolls back in the ring, favoring his privates, and holds the steel chair to the side, yelling for Thor to “Come on you big sonofabitch!” Thor gets up and turns around sharply, only to be caught with a steel chair to his godly cranium. The crowd oohs as Thor simply shakes his head to get bright. Jenkins then drills Thor with an overhead blow with the chair; still no effect on the big man. Now a bit perturbed, Jenkins begins to repeatedly smash the chair into Thor’s head and face.

After about seven shots and still little reaction from Thor, Jenkins rams the chair into his gut, knocking the wind out of him for a moment. Long enough for Jenkins to toss the chair to the side and to hit his finishing maneuver, The Highlighter. The crowd pops and then boos as Jenkins goes for the arrogant cover, slapping his boot down on Thor’s chest like a hunter posing over his kill. Jenkins is snapped from his delusion of grandeur and looks over to see the ref still on the mat. Spike whines to himself, loosing his enthusiasm.

Axis: Wow, it took ten shots with a steel chair and The Highlighter to put Thor down and the ref still hasn’t revived yet!

King: Come on Spike! Wake the ref and humiliate this big bastard in his final match!

Axis: I’m surprised that Jenkins is even WALKING after having his package punished like he did.

Jenkins maintains the arrogant cover while he yells for the ref to get up and make the count. Thor has apparently come to his senses as his elbow shoots up in the air, making contact to the most sensitive of Jenkins’ areas. The crowd lets loose a loud moan of pain as does Spike as Thor gets to his feet. Jenkins stumbles around in a circle as Thor prepares for the big one. Just as Spike turns around and Thor catches him with a European uppercut, sending Jenkins flying backwards.

With Spike seemingly incapacitated, Thor turns to the turnbuckle and extends his arm and forefinger pointing to the corner. The crowd EXPLODES as Thor begins to walk towards the turnbuckle and they get even louder as he clumsily climbs to the top. As he steps to the top turnbuckle and faces the crowd he holds a lone arm in the air for the fans, who do not see that behind him Spike has gotten back up with the steel chair. As Thor turns, Jenkins steps to the bottom turnbuckle and clobbers Thor across the skull with the deadly object.

Axis: OH MY GOD!! What is Jenkins going to do here King?

King: Easy. Jenkins is going to win and put that miserable slug Thor out of wrestling for good.

Axis: Oh...

Thor teeters and totters atop the turnbuckle but does not fall. Jenkins climbs up incensed and the two men waver dangerously on the top. The crowd below is frightened and yells as they sway but Jenkins takes control with a knee to the midsection. He drops the chair and tucks Thor’s head between his legs and motions to the crowd that he is about to defeat Thor. When suddenly, Thor regains his senses and bends over further and smashes his head back up violently, inflicting further damage to Spike’s nuts.

Jenkins holds himself and thusly loses his balance, causing him to fall backward to the mat. The crowd begins to buzz as Thor shakes off the effect of the chair shot and steadies himself on the top turnbuckle. He then holds his arm up again and lets loose a roar. With the grace of a seven foot, three hundred and forty five pound bird he leaps off and nails Spike Jenkins right across the chest with the Crack of Thunder. After a moment or two of no movement, Thor rolls over and gets to his feet. He stands shakily but puts his big boot on top of Spike Jenkins’ chest.

The referee is now semi conscious and makes the cover slowly.

1

.

2

.

3

DING!! DING!! DING!!

The crowd explodes into vigorous cheering and rejoicing as the referee signals for the bell.

Axis: I don’t believe it! Thor has beaten Spike Jenkins... and with an ARROGANT COVER no less!

King: That no-selling cock-ass he’ll rue the day he messed with “Hollywood” Spike Jenkins!

Axis: When exactly will he “rue the day”? Thor is retiring.

King: Yeah... but... shut the hell up bitch!

Funyon speaks for the first time in the match “Your winner of the match... THOOORR!!” Not that the crowd needed an extra reason to cheer but the mention of Thor’s name sets the cheers anew as Thor’s arm is raised by the ref. Jenkins rolls out of the ring quietly, still holding himself as he lies for a moment of relative peace on the outside, despite the shower of trash that is rained upon him. Thor stands in the ring and holds his hand up in victory while his theme song plays out, causing some of the fans to sing along.

Thor goes to each corner of the ring and stands with his arms raised for the fans who have done so much for him over his past few months. Thor has finally conquered Spike Jenkins once and for all and good has triumphed over evil. With his final opponent slain, Thor has to go home to Asgard but before he does, he decides to have a bit of fun. Thor steps out of the ring and walks around the ring, high fiving the fans hands as they rush to touch hands with a god.

Axis: Thor is a true champion and has had a tremendous run in the company though not winning the big one. In my mind there is no more a beloved man in the SJL than Thor. I think I speak for everyone when I say this: Good journey Thor! Give those frost giants HEL!!

King: You’re really pathetic, do you know that?

After marching around the ring, slapping hands with the mortals he decides it is time to go. As he begins his walk up the ramp, something catches his eye. A sign, held by a small boy, no more than five years old. The boy looks strangely familiar, but from where? Thor’s eyes widen as he realizes who the youngster is. June 27th... 2002... SJL Metal. A relatively important date for Thor, the day when he realized that the mortals truly appreciated him. As he walked down the ramp to face Poisyn, now known as Matt Myers, the same boy held a sign that read simply “THOR”.

The same boy, with his mother this time, is standing with a new sign. It reads “GO THOR~!!”, why there is a tilde in it is unknown, but the sign carries forth the same message to Thor: The fans care about him. Thor feels so strongly about seeing this one loyal, if not very young fan, at his last match touches a nerve. The boy has tears in his eyes, he does not want to see his favorite wrestler quit. Thor approaches the lad and politely asks his mother if he may take her son for a moment. She obliges, not because of his intimidating size, but because of the content of his character from what she has seen on TV.

Axis: That same little boy was at a wrestling event in June. I remember that event because Thor held up the kid’s handmade sign.

King: Quit reminiscing or I’ll lock you in a shed full of dingoes!

Thor lifts the small boy out of the crowd while the fans cheer on. Thor walks up the ring steps so he doesn’t potentially drop the child and enters the ring. By this time the music has stopped and Thor has grabbed a mic. Thor sets the little man on the ground and the size difference between them is uncanny. The Thunder God speaks “Dry your eyes little one. The time for sorrow is for naught, for I shall return some day... this I promise you.” The fans pop warmly at this heartfelt moment. “Tell me young sir, what is thine name?”

Thor lowers the mic to the small boy’s face and he responds quietly “Willam.” Thor stands back up and speaks again. “Well then my young friend Willam, would you like to help Thor make his last match worth while?” Again Thor bends over and leans the microphone towards Willam’s mouth. “YEAH!!” comes his excited reply. Thor laughs heartily into the mic “Your enthusiasm is enow to melt Ymir’s icy heart! Come now small friend Willam...

POSE WITH ME!!”

Axis and King: WHAT!?!

Music hits the speakers eerily familiar until the lyrics start. Thor whispers something in Willam’s ear and his eyes grow as wide as saucers and he nods up and down excitedly.

“When mine hammer crashes down and breaks thine insides,

When thou art bleeding from the mouth, it don’t hurt to cry.

Thor and Willam proceed to execute the Hulk Hogan poses together, causing the fans to pop in unbelievable ways.

Yea thou hath hurt mine friends and thou hath hurt mine pride,

I’ve gotta be a friend, YOU’RE GONNA DIE!!”

Axis and King: WHAT!?!?

“I am a real Asgardian.

Fighting for the rights of gods and man.

I am a real Asgardian.

Proving mine might,

Fight through the night!”

As the song progresses, the two in the ring proceed with the POSEDOWN OF DOOM~!! The youngster apparently knows his wrestling as he hits every pose perfectly, even to the point of attempting to tear his shirt, but alas, his meager strength cant quite do it. They see which side of the arena cheers loudest as they twirl their hands and cup them to their ears, giving the winning side a good pose and the opportunity for them to take nice pictures. The crowd is eating up every moment of this warm and good natured show of fan support.

Axis: NO WAY!!

King: Bah!

Thor has had enough fun, but Willam could certainly pose for hours with his hero. Thor politely tells him that it is time to go as he exits the ring with the small boy sitting on top of his shoulder. He hands the child back to his mother who is crying, her little boy was on TV and she’s taping it at home! Someone at ringside hands Thor his hammer and cape as he begins his walk to the back. He stops however and hands his bright red cape to Willam, his biggest fan.

He strolls up the ramp with his hammer in his hand and stops on the stage. Thor turns around and with a tear in his eye, flexes once again for his adoring crowd. Thor raises his hammer up high in the air and gives one last “HOOOOO!!” which the crowd answers back immediately. Thor grins and steps through the curtain, and out of the SJL. The crowd still cheer as they know not the next time they will see Thor. Still they cheer for a man... a god... who fought for what he believed in.

Axis: HOOOOO!! Wow, talk about an exit! Anyways up next there is still MORE great action from the SJL! Stick around!

Suicide King mutters to himself.

Commercial.

October 4, 2002

King: And we're back from a commercial! It's time for the Cock On A Pole Match!

The road crew sets up the pole, with Jay Dawg sitting on top. "DUDE!" he says. "Why am I here?"

King: I'm not going to explain the symbolism to you, boyo.

Axis: Give me a beer.

King: I would, but my cellphone mysteriously stopped working.

Matt Myers comes to the ring.

Manson comes to the ring.

Mike Van Siclen comes to the ring.

Wait a minute... none of them comes to the ring! They didn't show up!

King: Where are all the guys?

Axis: Look at the SmarkTron!

The SmarkTron shows Manson, MVS and Matt Meyers sitting in a line against the lockers.

"Manson," says Mike... "Are you SURE we're locked in here?"

"Yeah," sighs Manson angstily.

"I have no character," sighs Matt Myers characterlessly.

Manson sighs again. "I REALLY wanted that cock on the pole."

"No way!" shouts Myers. "I WANTED THE COCK!"

"Dammit, guys," intones MVS, "if we keep up like this, people will start saying we love the cock."

King: They looooooooooooooooooooove the cock!

Axis: They looooooooooooooooooooove the cock!

Edwin: They looooooooooooooooooooove the cock!

King and Axis look over. Edwin takes a sip of Axis's beer, then runs away giggling.

Back in the locker room, Weird Al Yankovic's "The White Stuff" begins to blare from a boom box. Suddenly, as if on cue, all three main event participants drop to their knees. SJL road agent Mr. Bukkake struts out of the shower, cock in hand, and grins.

"Disgusting," says Manson, "but I love it."

"I'm grossed out," agrees MVS, "but I cannot look away."

"I love the cock!" declares Matt Myers with undying devotion.

With that, Mr. Bukkake grumbles, "Listen, guys, none of you bothered to get here in time for the main event, and you all know what that means."

MVS asks, "Jay Dawg hazes us?"

"No, he's the Cock On A Pole."

"Oh, great," says Manson. "Now he'll be mad that we left him hanging and haze us back in the hotel."

"Mmmmm," grins Myers. "Hazing..."

With that, Bukkake cockslaps each of the JLers and proceeds to perform his namesake on each one of them.

Back in the arena....

King: Well, that was unnecessary.

Axis: I know.

And on top of the pole...

Jay Dawg: Hello? Mrs. Pommelhorse? I'd like to get down now.

But not before Manson, Myers and MVS give us sloppy, sticky stereo grins.

Because they loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove the cock.

October 4, 2002

SINGLES MATCH

Wildchild vs. Blank

- Wildchild leaps about like a monkey!

SINGLES MATCH

Jack The Ripper vs. Ejiro Fasaki

- The Japanese Hacksaw... um, Chainsaw? Bandsaw? Whatever. He wins.

SINGLES MATCH

Leon Sharpe vs. Johnny Dangerous

- In a very close match Leon Sharpe wins!

NO DQ MATCH

Flexxx vs. Broomstick

- Read it.

SINGLES MATCH

Fugue vs. Tim Dillon

- The Irishman taps like an epileptic Gregory Hines!

NO ROPES MATCH

Spike Jenkins vs. Thor

- Thor wins, but sadly must return to Asgard. Smite a few frost giants for me, Thor!

CHAIR ON A POLE #1 CONTENDERS MATCH

Manson vs. Matt Myers vs. Mike Van Siclen

- Triple no-show. And foe once, I recommend that you all do NOT read what Flesher wrote to replace it. Ew.

Card is forthcoming!

SJL Metal for Oct. 3!

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