Metal Ed 0 Report post Posted October 13, 2002 This is the first part of somethin I felt like I needed to get off my chest. It's some freaky shit, dude. Grab a blanket or somethin: After that second microwave fell on my head, I knew Mr. Pearson up to the junkyard was going to fire me. The first one might could have been a freak accident, like when his pregnant secretary fell down that flight of stairs. A second microwave meant I was a insurance risk. I didn't mean to get hit by it or nothin, although I guess I mighta been tempting fate when I started kicking that big ol' tower of microwaves. I was listenin to some Sepultura, though, and gettin to bangin my head pretty good. I guess my foot was jealous and it just started kicking. I thought it was worth it once I came to in the hospital; kinda like I was sacrificing parts of my head to the Rock Gods. I didn't feel too good about it when Mr. Pearson fired me, though. I was thinkin about all the stuff I was gonna do to that son of a bitch, too. Like I was gonna slash his tires or put sugar in his gas tank before I pushed his secretary down some stairs. I even thought about keying "Megadeth" into his Mustang, but figured he'd probly know that was me. Turns out that gettin fired was the best thing that ever happened to me, though, since I got $2,500 in sever-rinse pay and I didn't even have to work for it or nothin. I was a man about town, not havin to do much of nothin and just cruisin in my Trans, lookin for some big chicks. After about two weeks of that, I was gettin pretty bored. All my friends had to work and shit, so I'd spend most of the day lookin around on this rasslin message board, like some kinda loser. Even the big chicks weren't coming around too much no more, since I'd already done most of them and I ain't never had no girl ask for seconds. Things were gettin to be a real drag here in Wausau. Then one day I was walking around, thinkin about how I was gonna crack the skull of that security dude up to the skatin rink, when I saw a billboard that changed my life. In some big ol' red letters, it said "VISIT CANADA." It had this moose on it, too. I think it was eatin grass or something. Anyway, I had about a twelve pack of Pabst's in me at that point, so I was pretty intrigued. I grabbed the closest dude by the shirt and said, "Which way to Canada, dude? I'll crack your skull!" He was pretty freaked, so he just pointed north. I pushed him down a flight of stairs and got the hell out of there. I decided to move to Canada. It didn't take me too long to load my car up, since I only got a couple of things. The longest thing was wrapping the Rock Box in bubble wrap, since I kept gettin distracted and popping all the bubbles. I reckon that went on for about two hours. I didn't call my landlord up to tell him I was movin or nothing, since he's always been a real asshole to me anyway. He didn't even come out to fix my toilet when them rats chewed through all the tubes. So fuck him. He had it comin. My trip to Canada didn't take too long, so far as I could tell. I was pretty drunk. It was a little tough gettin across the border, though, on account of the guards tryin to get me to turn down my stereo. I was right to the solo in "Pour Some Sugar On Me," man! I ain't gonna let no moose eatin Canadian border dude turn down my Leppard! They got me out of my Trans Am and performed a thorough search of the rockin' beast, even goin so far as to examine my Rock Box. They kinda got distracted with the bubble wrap, though. I reckon that went on for about two hours. They finally let me go and gave me a little "Welcome to Canada" pamphlet that had a bunch of pictures of a moose eatin grass. I think that moose is, like, the official animal of Canada or something. That dude is everywhere. I figured I'd go ahead and drive to Toronto, since that's the only place in Canada I've ever heard of. Unfortunately, after about a hour or so in Canada, I started gettin real tired. All that driving and drinking had pretty much wore me out, so I figured I'd get a hotel room and have a couple beers before headin off to bed. As I'm driving around, I start noticin that a bunch of Canada is a total ghetto. I mean, my old neighborhood in Wausau wasn't no Big Tree Trailer Park or nothin, but it wasn't this bad. Everyone had these old broken down snowplows in their front yards and bumper stickers on em for a buncha teams that I ain't never even heard of. Like, I don't know who the hell the Maple Leafs are, but I bet they couldn't beat the Packers. Bret Favor would probably eat em alive. But, yeah, this place was pretty bad. I didn't even see no hard rockin' dudes or nothing. Just a bunch of old dudes with beards, smoking cigarettes and frying sausage. Plus, I didn't see no damn hotels and I was about to fall asleep at the wheel. My eyes were gettin all heavy and shit. I tried blastin some Whitesnake and everything, but nothin worked. I finally pulled over in front of an abandoned shack in the worst part of town. No one was outside--it was cold as fuck and probly tea time or some shit--so I snuck in undetected. The place was all fucked up--someone had spraypainted "Cobain Was Murdered" and "Dames Is Ghey" on the wall, in addition to taking what looked like a pretty healthy dump on the floor--but I was too damn tired to care. I curled up in a ball and just went to sleep. I figure I'll probly post the rest of this on the site once I get it all written and shit. It's pretty fucked up. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Kotzenjunge Report post Posted October 13, 2002 YES!!!!!! Best. Post. In recent memory. Fo sheez, Kotzenjunge Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest goodhelmet Report post Posted October 13, 2002 metal ed lives!!! now will he grace our presence in anymore ask metal ed installments? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Agent of Oblivion Report post Posted October 13, 2002 I hope so. But why oh why does he like the packers? I mean, the Bears are RIGHT THERE. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest treble charged Report post Posted October 13, 2002 Toronto Maple Leafs > 'Bret Favor' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest bob_barron Report post Posted October 13, 2002 Whoa- I live in like the same city as Metal Ed Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest treble charged Report post Posted October 13, 2002 Yeah, and I was born there. Ed, make sure to visit St. Joseph's Health Centre, I think they have a ward named after me, or something. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest cobainwasmurdered Report post Posted October 13, 2002 Whoa...I moved across the country~! But that is pretty fucking hilarious. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
