Phil Rippa's Workrate Report

[Guest Brian]

WWE SMACKDOWN – 10/24/02

While this show was airing, Dean was getting drunk in Secaucus, NJ, proclaiming 4 matches Match of the Year and trying to remember where he lost his keys. Those expecting a typical Dean report will be very disappointed.

 

WHAT WORKED

The great thing about Mattitude is that it is all about Matt Hardy eating a ton of offense and selling like a champ. And Rikishi is a perfectly fine fat man who I can tolerate watching wrestle. As opposed to several guys who I have seen where not having a massive coronary is the highlight of their day. Dear Lord – what the fuck was up with that Rikishi Driver? That is usually the most business-exposing move ever as everyone uses their big fat ass to protect the guy taking it. Not tonight. That was fucking nasty. Rikishi goes back to using that as his finisher and things will be all sorts of great.

 

There are certain little things that can still make wrestling great and should always happen: Tag ropes should be used. Jeans should be worn to a “Come As You Are” match. Cage matches should have blood – especially in Puerto Rico. Hometowns should be goofy. The face needs to protect the ref when the ring explodes. Someone needs to end up taking a swim when wrestling next to water. Birthday cakes are meant to be smashed. And wrestling trophies are meant to be broken.

 

Tajiri/Noble can get on this side more because of Noble than anything. I am really getting tired of Tajiri wrestling the same match over and over again and I am really getting tired of the special thing on his boots that make his kicks sound so good. What? I read it on the Internet. It has to be true. Tajiri at least will sell the leg for the entire match which was the storyline of the match as Noble focused all his offense around avoiding the kicks and Tajiri sold the leg even when running the ropes and delivering strikes with the bum leg. Should have been longer but minutes were robbed by all the talking and creepy old guy sex.

 

The Guerreros vs. Rey Jr. and Edge was so my favorite match of the night. I hear all these people whine about tag team wrestling and how all these great wrestlers are getting stuck in meaningless tag teams. Why do you people hate the tag team wrestling? This was fucking great. This period reminds me of that last gasp effort in WCW where Benoit/Malenko, Misterio/Kidman and Raven/Saturn were fighting over the belts. Eddie continues to prove that he is the fucking best. He shows why tag ropes are great choking the hell out of Rey. He protects the finish by passing on the hijo that Chavo had mistakenly set up earlier – thus making that much hotter. He blocks the 619 – which is so become the Bronco Buster of 2002 – and then does the best save of a pinfall that you are ever going to see. The dipshit crowd was rocking for the finish, wanting Edge/Rey to get the win, getting teased that they wouldn’t get it and then getting it in the end – all the while, without burying Eddie and Chavo as possible contenders. (Side note – the Smackdown tag divisions needs a couple of other teams to fill it out. You don’t think Scott and Steve Armstrong wouldn’t leave Daddy in a heartbeat just to get away from all the festering turds working in that promotion?) Edge is really the greatest wrestler with the world’s most hideous offense. He was a freaking man though as he got wasted in the new “Rey is a human dart” move of the moment. Sting 2K2 is fine in my book though and I haven’t enjoyed Misterio this much in a long time. Man, they just need to turn Raw into the Smackdown recap show and so these tag matches over and over again.

 

Benoit/Angle was the perfect example of what was going on with this episode of Smackdown. Here are all these matches that you have seen before that were really great but today they aren’t going to be quite as good or quite as long. Fun, enjoyable match that I am not going to complain about watching. Well actually just a little. I love Kurt Angle and I love his matches but he is doing some stuff that is really bugging me. One is that he has become the King of forgetting to sell when applying the ankle lock. The switches between the crossface and the ankle lock were great but something gets lost when Angle doesn’t sell the hold he was just in. Go back and watch Benoit and watch how he continues to sell the ankle after escaping the hold. Of course – it’s nothing that can’t be worked on. Angle also needs to stop doing to hopping up, sprinting across the ring, delivering the top rope German because it is getting to be like the Rock kipping up to deliver the Rock Bottom. I am going to dig the Guerreros getting involved. Let Edge be the concerned sober college friend on Saturday night dealing with the Undertaker. It was also wise to let Chavo be the one to deliver the belt shot as it continues to raise his focus. No matter what I am starting to smell Survivor Series match that is going to have these 6 guys plus two others. Fuck, Scott Steiner. If the WWE is going to sign guys returning from crippling injuries – get the Ultimo Dragon deal done.

 

WHAT DIDN’T WORK

Jesus – that was the world’s worst Memphis crowd. Are the Grizzles playing after this? Fuck this wrestling, look at them racist signs.

 

Unfortunately, I am sure the fool in the Tekken commercial reads this board.

 

After seeing the Big Show for the first time in over a year, my wife says, “Boy, he has gotten fat. What a tubbo.”

 

I am sure that was not the first time that Michael Cole said the phrase “No, I don’t want to touch the bush.”

 

Since I am only 27, I still have my virility and I can run through Cupid’s Cove with great agility. So I don’t need to live vicariously through Stan Lee. (huh? What? That WASN’T Stan Lee??? Al Wilson??? Didn’t he have a bit part in Hell’s Angels?) But since I don’t need to live vicariously through some old guy getting his rocks off, I ask the serious questions. Like, when you get a boob job, is it normally that they suck the fluid out of your cheeks. That was creepy.

 

If Dean was writing this, right about now he would probably be going on a rant about how Pierce Bronson and Judi Dench need to star in a remake of 9 ½ Weeks so the Academy Award Winning Actress could see James Bond’s mounting face. (Oh yeah, even thinking up that joke is so going to replace the whale in my nightmare.)

 

There was just way too much wrong with the Taker/Lesner/Show segment. I mean if Lesner is going to be such a tough guy, he really needs to lose the pants. It’s hard to be intimidated by the guy who looks like he is going to lead the cycling class at the Washington Sports Club. Taker was quite the weepy bastard there. Big Show has that haircut that makes him the grumpiest school administrator ever – thing a really portly William H. Macy from Mr. Holland’s Opus. Then he and Show play the slowest game of Red Light, Green Light. This went on for nearly 25 minutes. Then Dean Malenko comes out and doesn’t wrestle. Fuck, the Smackdown road agents could have the third best wrestling promotion in the world right now.

 

Will Subway have the balls in five years to show us the real videos shot by real teens that will have them sharing a bong, questioning why the have vomit in their hair and tea-bagging the passed out kid on the couch?

 

A telling sign of the times is that the panda in the Jackass commercial is a bigger bumper than Big Show.

 

These are the days I miss Sat Night, Worldwide, et al. John Cena vs. Billy Kidman is so the feud designed to take place on these shows. I could really dig it then. The ones that start on Worldwide. Carry onto Sat Night. Maybe have that Main Event Exclusive match. I miss Disorderly Conduct. I miss the Southern Posse. I miss Barry Houston. I don’t miss Adrian Byrd.

[Guest Smell the ratings!!!]

If Dean was writing this, right about now he would probably be going on a rant about how Pierce Bronson and Judi Dench need to star in a remake of 9 ½ Weeks so the Academy Award Winning Actress could see James Bond’s mounting face. (Oh yeah, even thinking up that joke is so going to replace the whale in my nightmare.)

 

Even though Dean didn't do the report this week, I'm naming this the Rasmussen Memorial line of the week.

 

EDIT: I'd also like to add that the face covering up the ref when the ring explodes is the single best thing about wrestling, period.

[Guest Nater]

Subway will come in strong and swift from the south, and before you know it Poland will have fallen and they will be walking the streets of Paris.

[Guest The Hamburglar]

These Death Valley Driver guys are great. Its impressive to read reports that concentrate more on what they like then what they don't.