The Riot Act: A Look At Kane

[Guest TSMAdmin]

The Riot Act

By Danny Gregory

 

A Look at Kane (or, I'm Starting to Think That Fire Didn't Really Happen)

 

I tell you, there's something fishy about all of this. When Kane was first introduced to the WWF in 1997, he seemed to be an unstoppable, completely mute, and badly burned monster. His dismantling of such luminaries as future WWF champion Mankind, the New Age Outlaws, and Los Boriquas only seemed to further prove that point. He was a monster with a purpose, too: He wanted revenge on the brother who had so terribly disfigured him in a fire that had killed their parents many years prior. After setting ablaze a coffin that presumably contained said brother--WWF mainstay, The Undertaker--it appeared as though Kane had finally gotten the revenge he had dreamed of for so long. It was not to be, however, as the Undertaker defeated Kane in their first meeting at Wrestlemania XIV. He then proceeded to beat him again the following month in an Inferno match, during which Kane's arm caught fire. It's a story we've all heard countless times before: Brother, disfigured in a fire set by his older sibling during their childhood, seeks revenge but falls just short on account of aforementioned older brother being a zombie. Here's where things get a little strange, though.

 

Shortly after Kane's two humiliating defeats at the hands of the Undertaker, it's revealed that Paul Bearer--longtime Undertaker manager who brought Kane back to destroy his former protégé--is Kane's father, thus making the Undertaker his half brother. I can buy the fat, stubby Bearer being the tall, muscular Kane's father. I really can. Kane then has a 24 hour cup of coffee with the WWF championship after beating Steve Austin for title at King of the Ring '98 with the seemingly unintentional help of the Undertaker. Questions begin to arise: Are the Undertaker and Kane in cahoots? What are cahoots, anyway? Over the course of several months worth of buildup--including some segments during which the Undertaker appears as Kane and vice versa--it becomes clear that the half-brothers are, in fact, in cahoots. This is perplexing to me, seeing as how Kane was had allegedly spent the better part of thirty years in a sanitarium vowing revenge against his brother. What's more, the Undertaker would have to be foolish to team with someone who had attempted to set him on fire multiple times, in addition to digging up the remains of his parents and destroying them on live television. This is not a good prospect for a stable partner, I wouldn't think. The brothers seem to get along well enough to be pawns in Vince McMahon's overly elaborate plan to get the title off of Steve Austin, however, and everything seems to be going fine. Let's fast-forward to a few years later, however.

 

Kane inexplicably forms an unlikely duo with X-Pac, foul-mouthed crotch-grabber of the group Degeneration X. It's during this run that Kane, the formerly unstoppable monster, develops human emotions. He begins to think and feel. He even develops a relationship with WWF diva Torrie, most notable up to that point for wearing a Giant Gonzalez-inspired bodysuit in her debut at Wrestlemania XV. In one touchingly humorous segment, Kane attempts to utter the DX slogan "suck it" with the use of the microphone he places next to his throat, given that his vocal cords were destroyed years before in the fire. X-Pac won't allow it, however, and makes an impassioned plea for Kane to speak without the very tool which makes it possible for him to do so because his vocal cords were destroyed in a fire. Miraculously, he manages to do it. It would seem to be a physical impossibility, I know, but it happened. X-Pac and Torrie then proceed to turn on Kane weeks later, thus negating those human emotions and that ability to speak perfectly clearly.

 

Fast forward to 2001. After years of wearing an outfit that covered one arm due to the fact that it was burned beyond recognition, Kane sheds the oppressive shackles of that extra sleeve and begins wearing a sleeveless singlet. The strange part: His arm isn't burned at all. Not even a little bit. The least he could have done is run his elbow over a lighter or something. This is when I began to suspect that the fire which had killed Kane's mother and stepfather never really happened at all. This year--2002--offered even more evidence to back that theory up. For instance, Kane cut a series of humorous promos with Hulk Hogan and the Rock in March. Kane, the ruthless monster who spent the vast majority of his life in a sanitarium and wanted nothing more than to make those who had done him wrong pay, apparently had a really excellent sense of humor! He then returns from an injury with half of his mask missing. The whole area around his mouth is now visibly unscarred. We've seen his entire upper body, as well. So unless his legs are messed up something awful, that leaves the small area around his eyes as the only parts of his body that could have conceivably been damaged in that fire. I mean, come ON! It's the opinion of this writer that the fire that prompted Kane's entry into the WWF in a roundabout way was a ruse from the very beginning. As a result, I believe that Kane should be stripped of his ill-gotten Intercontinental championship and the right to face Triple H for the World Title at No Mercy. As a longtime fan of "the sport of kings" and also a wrestling fan, I ultimately feel betrayed by this elaborate ploy and will stop at nothing until all those responsible are taken to task. Clearly, Undertaker had something to do with. For an idea of what the proper punishment for this cagey veteran would be, I recommend renting a copy of Old Yeller. You'll know what to do. Paul Bearer must have been in cahoots with this duo, as well. Fire him. I leave it to the WWE to decide what fate should befall anyone else involved in this hideous act of betrayal. Do this one thing for us, WWE. The trust of your most loyal and devoted fans is at stake.

 

NEXT WEEK--Test: Is he really Canadian?

 

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