The Crossface: No Mercy 2002

[Guest TSMAdmin]

Most of the Smart Marks skipped this show due to apathy and, given the buildup, I can’t say I blame them. Well, apathy won’t stop a few of us from giving our thoughts on the show. To be honest, no one was expecting much from this show. I think this show rested on one match… Benoit & Angle vs. Mysterio & Edge! If this match wasn’t a MOTYC then we were going to be pissed. Thankfully, we received a little bit more than anticipated. Now lets meet the players…

 

Byron Vester: Don't forget to Catch Byron now on Sunday nights as he drops in with the news. When the wrestling world really pisses him off, he'll drop in with his Anger Management column. If you want to know what happened last week in the world of wrestling, THIS is your destination.

 

Edward Robins: Edward is TSM's very own B-movie horror freak! This former Velocity recapper will have a new DVD review out soon to satisfy the vampires!

 

William Helmick: If you're interested in writing for the Smart Marks, drop William a line.

 

Booker T & Goldust vs. Christian & Chris Jericho

 

Byron: Decent opener with some good action at times, but man… the middle rope breaking on Jericho was just brutal. Another thing was kind of a really BAD omen for this show was the crowd sitting on their hands except for a faint Booker T chant and the Spinneroonie. Jericho was looking totally unmotivated again and I’m really starting to wonder if giving him some time off wouldn’t be a bad idea. Nice to see the old top rope moonsault get some love again after he dropped it following KOTR last year, but the match was still pretty bland. They need to push Booker T NOW. When he’s pretty much the only face to get a worthwhile reaction for his entrance, it’s time to take a chance and cash in on him before his overness dies away like RVD’s did. **

 

Edward:No real major complaints with this one, solid work by both teams, but it just wasn’t very interesting. The rope breaking from the INTENSITY~! (there’s one you don’t hear anymore) of the Lionsault was easily the best part. Could it be Jericho finally getting some “ruthless aggression” (there’s another one you don’t hear anymore) to fight his way to the top? Not a chance, but it was still the most memorable part of the match. Nice Luna-Lionsault for the finish.

 

William: I wanted to like this match. I was hoping that Chris Jericho and Booker T would give me a glimmer of hope for their eventual singles feud. These guys just never got on track. The work was sloppy and the crowd remained on their hands except for Booker’s Spinaroonie. When the Spinaroonie and a busted rope are the highlights of a match, you have problems. I must admit that Chris Jericho busting out a moonsault was a nice way of improvising but this is the one RAW match I was looking forward to and it didn’t deliver. Unless Booker goes solo, and begins his quest for the Championship tomorrow, is there even a reason to watch RAW? I have already given up on Chris Jericho so he can stay in this tag team for months on end and I wouldn’t care.

 

Dawn Marie vs. Torrie Wilson

 

Byron: Plodding and boring. Both girls should be nowhere near the ring. I’m really getting tired of this shit. No more Torrie/Nidia/Dawn Marie matches, PLEASE! The girls aren’t jackshit in the ring and paying $35 fucking dollars to watch them roll around and blow every single spot in a 4 minute match is fucking bullshit. Let this be the end of this insipid “feud” so I don’t have to see “Al Wilson” rip off Bill Clinton ever again. ¼*

 

Edward:“I did not have sexual relations with that woman”? Really dated humor there, guys. I’ll admit to not expecting a damn thing from this match, so I was pleasantly surprised by how well it turned out. It still seemed to drag a bit, but at least they put effort into it and it wasn’t a Turkey Bowl/paddle-on-the-pole/bikini match. However, since the women’s division is still based mainly on eye candy, I must say this is the first time I’ve ever found Dawn Marie looking better than Torrie. What with Torrie’s hair all tangled and unkempt, I thought she was Edge for the first half of the match.

 

William: Ladies and gentlemen, this is exhibit #1 on why WWE women’s matches should not be allowed on PPV. Missed spots, bad timing, weak selling… we received these things by the handful. Personally, if you are going to send two non-wrestlers into the ring then give me some friggin’ T&A!!! You know the match sucks when your only thought is “Gee, I hope Dawn Marie’s tit pops out!” Don’t get me wrong; I love women’s wrestling. I just like it when the last names are Toyota, Hokuto, Ito and Shimoda!

 

Rob Van Dam vs. Ric Flair

 

Byron: Bleh. Nice promo, Rob, what’s next? You gonna smoke a bowl in the ring? That was one of the worst non-HHH promos I have ever heard, and that’s saying something. Pretty pedestrian match. I was nodding off through damn near all of it. Why the FUCK is this on a PPV? Throw this shit on RAW in the first hour main event instead of subjecting everybody AGAIN to Flair’s plodding garbage offense. Shit, I really hate Rob, but goddamnit, DO SOMETHING WITH HIM! He’s been the most over face on RAW for ages and yet he’s stuck slumming it up with a 54-year old who shouldn’t even be in the ring at this point in his career. Flair needs to retire and RVD needs to do something else. *3/4

 

Edward:What a bore! Nothing but weak forearms, chops, and the occasional “high risk” Rolling Thunder; gotta love RVD’s total no-sell of Flair’s legwork and the Figure Four. I’m sure the fact that Flair’s shoulder was very clearly off the mat will continue this “feud that was so hot it didn’t need to be mentioned on TV”. Were it not for the HHH/Kane match, this would’ve easily been the worst match of the night.

 

William: Prior to the match, RVD gives the worst interview I have ever heard (disclaimer: it probably wasn’t the worst but it’s pretty damn bad). If WWE ever wants to turn RVD heel, just let him give interviews before every match and mock Flair. I know I wouldn’t cheer for the guy. If there was ever a time a wrestler needed a manager or mouthpiece, the time is NOW! Just don’t bring in Fonzie because I don’t want to hear that fucking whistle. Oh yeah, the match was absolutely nothing. I remember RVD hitting some spots and Flair chopping and working over the leg. That’s it. I didn’t care. The crowd didn’t care. The wrestlers didn’t care. The waitresses at the bar didn’t care. And sometimes that is the worse thing that can happen to a match… love me, hate me, just don’t forget me. Well, this match is forgotten.

 

Tajiri vs. Jamie Noble

 

Byron: Nice little match, but too short to mean anything. Good to see that the fans still like Tajiri despite the crappy heel turn and the after-match antics were amusing. I’m still waiting for when the fabled “Cruiserweight Division” becomes a good portion of the show like JR constantly masturbates about inbetween sucking off Kane, Bradshaw, and/or Old Man Limping. Either do something with the fucking belt or dump it. There’s no reason for Jamie Noble to be carrying around a belt that he hasn’t defended in ages just because the bookers are so busy licking the shit out of Stephanie McMahon anus to fucking pay attention. **

 

Edward:These two are fighting? Since when? Bah, who cares, its great to see the cruiserweights on PPV again! I don’t know if it was just that I haven’t seen cruiserweights in so long because I don’t get Velocity, or if this was a step above the norm for these two, but I was really into this match (even more than a regular cruiserweight match). The first four moves entertained me more than the entire previous match… God I love these guys. This was my pick for match of the night.

 

William: Thank God they decided to add this match to the card. By the time this match began, I was bored out of my mind. If not for the Smackdown tag match calling my name then I would have just left the bar by this point. Thankfully, these guys put on a spectacle that I could enjoy. A few ‘oohs’ and ‘ahhs’ from the audience for Tajiri’s stiff kicks but they were bored. Well, fuck them because I love the cruisers! They brought their working boots andI was marking out in a bar full of drunks and bored waitresses with nice breasts! I was hoping I would see a tooth fly out of Noble’s mouth but you can’t have it all. Maybe now that Tajiri is a face he can regain some of the initial popularity that he had early on in his WWE stay. The post-match angle was priceless and my wet... er… daydreams about Nidia the trailer-trash whore will only intensify.

 

Kane vs. HHH

 

Byron: Man, I was drunk before this match even began and I still couldn’t make it all the way through before nodding off as Hurricane and Flair ran in. Punch, kick, slam, sleeper, clothesline… god, I wonder if anybody else felt like jumping up in the ring just to yell at them to do something other than rest. Please, Vince McMahon, if you have ANY shred of decency left, don’t EVER push Kane again. Let him rot away in the midcard and destroy jobbers to his heart’s content, just don’t try and make him into something meaningful EVER AGAIN. If you do, however, please have the foresight to fucking shoot Brian Gerwitz in the fucking head beforehand, okay? As much as I’d hate to say so, it’s a good thing Trips won, now drop the damned murder/rape/necrophilia angle, STAT! *1/2

 

Edward: This was TERRIBLE, with a capital T! It was just… so… slow… with a completely unnecessary super-duper-hyper-ultra-overbooked finish. If you’re going to kill a belt, kill it with style! One good thing about the match – Triple H’s use of psychology; he applied that sleeper to work Kane’s drowsiness coming into the match from staying up all night MURDERING PEOPLE~! Unfortunately it worked so well that it put out the audience too. Zzzzzz….

 

William: The buildup to this match has been abysmal. Vince McMahon renewed my faith in his stupidity by approving of and enjoying the idiotic, repulsive, insulting storyline leading up to this match. He also shows his stupidity by having these two jackasses main event RAW when the best part of the entire match is the Hurricane run-in. They blow a bunch of spots. Some ref bumps occur. Tables get broken. Weapons get used. Ric Flair jiggles his man-boobs. All in all, this is a perfect example of why HHH should drop the belt tomorrow and go join X-Pac in the NWA. Unfortunately, Vince McMahon probably enjoyed this convoluted turd and gave Hunter a bonus. Don’t think I am being lenient on Kane> he sucked the fat salami just as hard as Trips but I enjoy his interfering partner (hurricane) more than HHH’s interfering valet (Flair) at this point in time. I am so happy this match didn’t end he show because I would have been pissed that I stuck round for this sloppy, overbooked mess.

 

Kurt Angle & Chris Benoit vs. Edge & Rey Mysterio

 

Byron: Great, GREAT match that had no heat in the beginning(much like the rest of the card), but once all the near-falls started, they got into it like a crack addict on a new batch. I think it’s pretty safe to say that Edge and Rey belong in the upper echelon of workers in the promotion after tonight after all the amazing chemistry they displayed tonight. While I still despise Angle’s “throw the ankle lock on opponent 80 times” psychology, it didn’t really bother me that much tonight because everybody in this match was fucking shining like the sun. The finish was even clean which shocked the holy hell outta me. Great work from all involved. I still don’t like the “wacky tag champs who hate each other” angle, especially since I’ve seen it twice in the past year (hell, add Austin/HHH and it’s 3 times) and it just shows that the writers have no fucking clue how to push this feud without involving the tag titles (which should RIGHTFULLY be Los Guerreros’ belts, dammit!). ****

 

Edward: Like the earlier tag match (although much better given who was involved), this was an excellent match that just lacked any truly outstanding moments. It still really bothers me how poorly Edge puts over his opponent, however, but at least he didn’t make Angle tap to his own bastardized Ankle Lock. Michael Cole moment: referring to Benoit’s taunt as a “maneuver with the throat”. Classic!

 

William: Wow! First off, this is THE WWE Match of the Year. The bookers finally got a clue and let these guys go out and bust ass for 20+ minutes on a PPV! This is the way tag matches should be done… hot tags, false finishes, non-stop action, the right team going over. This is also proof that a great match will liven up a crowd just as easily as any gimmick match you want to throw out there. Things started off a little slow but when they picked up, they blew the roof off the joint. Rey was busting out maneuvers I didn’t know he had in his arsenal. Angle and Benoit were BOSS~! as they turned every face signature move into a jaw dropping counter. On a sidenote, fuck the Edge haters! Is he better than Angle, Benoit or Rey? Hell no, but he held his own and I am thankful it was him in there instead of some hoss that nobody gives a shit about. Plus, he has already proven that he can be a great tag team wrestler. Now, when is the rematch?!?!

 

Trish Stratus vs. Victoria

 

Byron: Both girls tried hard, I can admit, but NO ONE gives a damn about either one or the title. Again, I must ask why the WWE keeps force-feeding women’s matches on PPV these days when no one gives a flying fuck in the first place. Granted, both Trish and Victoria are eons better than Torrie and Dawn, but this feud is HEATLESS, enough’s enough already. *1/2

 

Edward: Another great women’s match (two for two… was I watching the right company?), although the ending seemed a bit abrupt. I was a bit pissed that Trishple H would walk away with another unnecessary victory without putting one over when CRACK! Beautiful kick from Victoria, and Trish sold it perfectly, a little too perfectly; I hope she’s not really hurt.

 

William: They started off with some good energy but then the WWE women’s curse reared its ugly head. They blew a bunch of spots and made Torrie and Dawn Marie look like a couple of pros! If Fit Finlay ever asks for a raise then he better hide this match from Vince and hope Jazz recovers soon! Really, how hard is it for them to find some capable women wrestlers and allow them to work a real wrestling style? If you want the women to be T&A then treat them as T&A. If you want them to have real wrestling matches then bring Aja Kong in there and rough them up! See if they can hang with a real women’s wrestler.

 

Brock Lesnar vs. Undertaker (Hell In A Cell)

 

Byron: I will say this about Taker: At leats he did the fucking job when it mattered, but that still doesn’t excuse last month’s bullshit. I pretty much floated in and out of boredom during this match and when they started the tombstone reversal sequence, I almost expected Taker to get it and get the pin, but Brock getting the advantage and getting him into the F5 position(which was pretty damn cool) kinda had me marking out, shockingly. I guess I have to eat some crow about Taker not putting Lesnar over, so I shall dine away. **1/4

 

Edward: This was so much better than I’d thought it would be. I enjoyed this one a lot, and the Hell in a Cell stip did make it a lot better – it may have been just as slow as Unforgiven, but at least now there was a reason for it. It was exhausting just watching these two go at it, and who knew Undertaker could bleed so well? Heyman’s sneaky assistance from the outside and Undertaker’s subsequent retribution were great additions to the story (in fact Heyman in general really made a lot of this match; a lot better than the useless segment with Tracy earlier in the show). Beautiful Tombstone-to-F5 reversal for the finish, and Brock scaling the cage to show off to the world that he’s proven himself was a sight to behold. I was sure we would’ve needed Matt Hardy interference for a big bump to save this one, and I was pleasantly surprised.

 

William: I’ll be the first to admit that, up until the ending, I enjoyed the hell out of last month’s match between these two. Then the fed had to ruin my good vibe by allowing Taker to treat Brock like a chump. Well, then I had to sit through a horrible storyline for the last month just so we could introduce a gimmick match that, if they are not careful, will wear out its welcome quicker than the coal miner’s glove! (Memo to WWE: leave the soap opera crap on RAW. We like RASSLIN’ on Smackdown). Well, this match breaks down into two parts. The first portion with Taker controlling the offense made me sweat. He treated Brock like a bitch and represented everything that was wrong with the federation i.e. injured, played-out has-beens holding the talent down. Then Brock bled a little and started working over Taker’s hand and it was on! Brock then proceeded to treat Taker like a bitch! When Taker’s hand was tied up in the cage, I had flashbacks of Bossman and his handcuffs. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Brock went to town and pulverized the living fuck out of Taker’s mangled phalanges. Then Taker channels the spirit of Tomoaki Honma in Japan and loses gallons of blood for my viewing pleasure. This wasn’t the best Hell In A Cell match or even the 2nd best but it is certainly better than any Cell match they have attempted since Cactus Jack rode off into the sunset. Am I the only one who thought Matt Hardy was going to interfere and take the big bump? Well, wisely, no big bump was needed. Kudos to Brock for proving he is a heartless MONSTER and making the match highly entertaining. As for Taker, adios mother fucker! Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out! And while you are away, I hope you find God, give Ted Dibiase a call, and never appear on my TV screen again!

 

Final Thoughts:

 

Byron:Shocking ending to the main event(at least for me) and excellent Tag Title Final aside, this PPV was Dullsville, USA. Wasn’t as wretched as I thought it was going to be, but it’s not worth ordering, kiddies. This show doesn’t come close to friggin’ VENGEANCE, let alone SummerSlam or Unforgiven. Try and get the Tag Title Final off a website or file-sharing program and skip spending money on this stinker. Thumbs in the middle, leaning down

 

Edward: Pretty bland and disappointing on the whole, but surprises abounded where this jaded smark least expected it; only two matches were really unwatchable (HHH/Kane & RVD/Flair) and the main event broke all expectations and didn’t suck. It’s still not worth the money, but you should try trading for it, or at least downloading the cruiserweight, Smackdown tag, and Hell in a Cell matches.

 

William: Well, going into this show, only the Smackdown title match looked like a keeper. After it was over, I breathed a deep sigh of relief. Tajiri-Noble was added much to my delight! The Hell In A Cell match was more brutal and bloody then I had anticipated. The Smackdown tag match owns you AND your mother. Then, you have the rest of the matches. This PPV is proof that RAW needs a shot in the ass and that Smackdown rules the world. Overall, I walked away with a smile on my face and it’s not because the waitress brushed up against me with her breasts. I left knowing that Benoit and Angle are the masters of the universe, I want to hold Nidia in my arms, and Taker will be gone from my television set. What more could you ask for?

 

Attention!!! Don’t forget to check out Dames’ Diatribe on the show sometime tomorrow. That is, if he even bothered to watch the damn show!