your WWE SUPER TUESDAY WORKRATE REPORT- 11/12/2002

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Why are they doing this? Will there be Smackdown Thursday? Will this be coated with the stink of RAW or the manly Brut-like scent of Smackdown? It's only an hour, right? What the? What the? What's going on? I guess stuff will work and not work....

 

WHAT WORKED-

- Stupid WWE is gonna make me go over to Tim's house and watch that tag match thingy. The 3-Way is fun because Benoit beats the fuck out of Edge before Edge's comical offense kicks in. Eddy is GOD JESUS GOD trading ass-stomping with Benoit. Edge actually doesn't get fried like Canadian bacon in this- as he stayed out of the ring between spurts of taking a beating and getting in some offense. Then they go to a commercial. Eddy is beating the crap out of Edge when we get back until they get back to Eddy and Chris whomping up on each other. Edge begins to annoy me by hitting three of those ludicrous One Man Flapjacks that requires a preposterously huge and obvious amounts of cooperationto be done. After the Dropkick Doomsday Device, Eddy and Benoit go suplex-crazy. Benoit does the cool as shit Counter Crippler Crossface to Edge while Edge is making a save. Chavo tries to cheat to win and Rey Rey comes out and hi-jinxs ensues. Angle throws the ref onto Benoit while he is in midCrossface on Eddy and sets up the Memphis Schoolboy by Eddy for the win. Okay, I figured Eddy was going to win but I guess it would mean that if SPOCK was booking the match Sunday, Eddy or Chavo pins Rey or Edge. Hell, get Chavo a win, he could use a pin in the middle of the ring. Match was okay, but not long enough to be great or anything. Three ways suck, as a rule. This wasn't bad. Not long enough. Not dynamic enough. Good enough for free TV.

 

WHAT DIDN'T WORKED-

- Tazz is audibly blowing a load this week into his double-breasted suit and even that is not enough to make one of these work- as I find none of these leathery strippers alluring unless they are squirmy and squishy in the manly clutches of Al "fuckmachine" Wilson. I'm trying to figure out how Torrrie can get back at Dawn Marie and her dad. SEE, if they could bring back the Camera Midget or maybe find Baron von Rashke and he could start plying Torrrie with his aging Teutonic love, THEN we would have something to replace these bikini deals, because- fuck me running- what could be more pants-entangling than a nubile Torrie Wilson's eyes rolling back white in ecstacy as the Baron coos "I VILL PLEASURE YOU!" That would fucking rule. Luckily, Nidia comes out and they smack her around in a Fit Finlayish way and they are friends again. They have a mutual love estrogen moment and they are glad to be ladies in their bikinis together in the ring, united by violence. I hate the Postmatch hug.

 

- Big Show segments aren't interesting and make me not want to go over to Tim's to watch the PPV. I guess they don't comprehend that Big Show in the main event of a PPV is like Rikishi or Big Boss Man in the Main Event. You might as well have Crash Holly be Brock's opponent. And at least he is as much of a swirling whirlpool of pee on THE STICK~! as he is in the ring. YOU GO TO HELL WWE AND TAKE YOUR STINKING BIG SHOW WITH YOU. That'sright, motherfuckers, I said it...

 

- Hey, it's like I got cable and RAW is on. Well, not actually. I would still prolly just watch Antique Roadshow on PBS. Jamaal looked good. Bubba Ray throws a nice elbow drop. Rob Van Dam is full of fruity embellishments but he doesn't stay in long. Everybody jumps into Kanes's offense and they start going for the finish three minutes in? Then everybody hit his finisher. Kane does the shittiest chokeslam ever TWICE. God, RVD hits a Vandaminator and THEN it gets fun a little as he does nice tope Con hilo onto everyone. Then Ric Flair hits a Lance Storm-level chairshot on Kane and HHH gets the pin after a Pedigree. I would like to thank my boy Phil Schneider and my lord and saviour Zeus for allowing me to watch Smackdown and not subject me to wrestling approximations like this on a weekly basis.

 

- Elimination Chamber? Is it... is it.... is it filled with POO?!?! Wow.

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

[Guest Edwin MacPhisto]

I wish I'd written that in on my ballot last Tuesday...

 

Al "fuckmachine" Wilson.

[Guest goodhelmet]

wow! abbreviated dean reports are just... different.

 

DR: "Eddy is GOD JESUS GOD trading ass-stomping with Benoit."

 

GH- tell me this means you are with me in my support of Eddy as wrestler of the year.

 

 

 

DR: "Bubba Ray throws a nice elbow drop"

 

GH- I don't know if it just a product of me staying up late and reading every back issue of DVDVR or if none of the workers impress me to the point where i noticed the EXACT SAME FUCKING THING!

 

It's like Bubbah is channeling Big Dusty without flashing his man-tits. Somehow, Dean, I think you would prefer the man-tits though.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

wow! abbreviated dean reports are just... different.

 

DR: "Eddy is GOD JESUS GOD trading ass-stomping with Benoit."

 

GH- tell me this means you are with me in my support of Eddy as wrestler of the year.

 

 

 

DR: "Bubba Ray throws a nice elbow drop"

 

GH- I don't know if it just a product of me staying up late and reading every back issue of DVDVR or if none of the workers impress me to the point where i noticed the EXACT SAME FUCKING THING!

 

It's like Bubbah is channeling Big Dusty without flashing his man-tits. Somehow, Dean, I think you would prefer the man-tits though.

Of course Eddy is Wrestler Of The Year. Edging out Takayama.

 

And what's better than a quality Elbow Drop? I SAY THEE NOTHING!

 

DEAN.

[Guest goodhelmet]

ok, then what do you say to the naysayers who proclaim angle as wrestler of the year?

 

also, since you brought him up, throw out some must-see takayama matches from this year. i know of the one with nagata but am drawing blanks on any others.

 

as for other contenders, people knock the ugly motherfucker, but low-ki has been kicking out the super fun matches since the beginning of the year. a strong case sould be made for am. dragon as well but he seems to have halted a little bit.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

ok, then what do you say to the naysayers who proclaim angle as wrestler of the year?

 

also, since you brought him up, throw out some must-see takayama matches from this year. i know of the one with nagata but am drawing blanks on any others.

 

as for other contenders, people knock the ugly motherfucker, but low-ki has been kicking out the super fun matches since the beginning of the year. a strong case sould be made for am. dragon as well but he seems to have halted a little bit.

The Match Of The Year this week was the farking BALLS OUT Takayama vs Chono. Chono hasn't looked that good in a match in ten years.

 

The second best Takayama match of the year is Takayama vs Osamu Nishimura. Completely different than the Chono match- which was based on who could beat the living breathing hell out of the other- and instead is a Nishimura Old School Pro Style match that stays on the mat in an entertaining way.

 

Then you got the all out ass-stomp of the Fujita match at Crossroads. that wasn't long enough to rank anywhere near the ones mentioned but wasstillquite the harrowing match in the run.

 

I haven't gotten to the Misawa match yet.

 

DEAN.

[Guest goodhelmet]

well, from reports, i hear the chono-nagata match is making a serious run for MOTY. i have it on reserve. as for takayama, i never thought of him as a wrestler of the year type of guy. maybe it was because he was stuck with omori all of those years.. um... months.