Guest SupaTaft Report post Posted November 19, 2002 This is neat. Wait... what the hell am I doing here? ___________________________________________________________ (An excerpt of the transcript from Congress's hearings on Cult activity in the United States) SENATOR F.A. SCHIST: And this is the last time we warn you Mr. "Doughboy"...your foods may be fluffy and delicious, but if your group keeps on performing human sacrifices in tribute to the "Yeast" gods, we WILL revoke your tax-exempt status! PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY: You Nazi! SENATOR F.A. SCHIST: Officer, please escort the witness out of these proceedings, while discreetly punching him in the stomach. OFFICER: JAWHOL! PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY: Get your hands off me you -OOF! Tee-hee! OOF! Tee-hee! SENATOR DWIGHT POWER: All right, next I think we have the Mighty Thor, Norse god of Thunder, represented by the lawyer Matt Murdock. DAREDEVIL: Yes, thank you, Senator. If it pleases this committee, my client would like to read-- SENATOR F.A. SCHIST: Uh, Mr. Murdock, sir, you accidentally dressed in your super-hero outfit. Again.Yep, that's right, feel your head, yep there are the horns. DAREDEVIL: Ah, geez. Sorry, Thor, I gotta go. SENATOR DWIGHT POWER: Uh, Mr. Murdock, watch out for the...yep. SENATOR F.A. SCHIST: Ran into the wall. SENATOR HASSLEHOFF: Again. SENATOR DWIGHT POWER: All right, now if we could get this going please? Mr. Thor, as chairman of this committee I would like to kill all the minorities while no one's looking... uh...COUGH! I meant, uh, I would like you to state your name and address for the record, please. THOR: Aye, mortal. Thy doth speak now to the son of the late lord of Asgard; the all- father Odin. Aye, though yon mortal eyes may not perceive the full ken of the might before thee, 'tis the Mighty Thor who dost sit before thy judgement. And while my home is none other the halls of fabled Asgard, whilst here in Midgard I do reside at the Avengers Mansion. SENATOR HASSLEHOFF: Uh...Mr. Thor, sir, while this committee respects the rich culture you hail from...whichever one it may be...we would ask that you speak English during these proceedings if possible. THOR: Aye, mortal! 'Tis thy very tongue which the Odinson hath spoken! Dost thou not recognize thine own speech? SENATOR HASSLEHOFF: Did you guys catch any of that? SENATOR F.A. SCHIST: Not a word. SENATOR DWIGHT POWER: I think I caught something about a dog and a floppy disk in there somewhere... THOR: Hast the porches of thine ears spilled mud into thy brains? 'Tis the tongue of the Angles which I doth speak! ART THOU DEAF? SENATOR DWIGHT POWER: Okay! I heard "DEF" in there somehwere, I think this is Ebonics. THOR: BY HEIMDALL'S EYES! Thou art all mad! SENATOR DWIGHT POWER: Mr. Thor, you can watch all the "Def Comedy Jam" with your "boyeezzzz" that you want after these proceedings. SENATOR F.A. SCHIST: May I suggest a recess until we can get a translator? THOR: I SAY THEE NAY! THE ODINSON HATH CROSSED THE RAINBOW BRIDGE TO ANSWER THESE CHARGES NOW! If thou dost now allow the Odinson to defend himself, thou shalt incur the wrath of-- SENATOR DWIGHT POWER: Mr. Thor, you shall cease all "kicking of the ballistics" right now! Recess for one hour! (One hour later) SENATOR DWIGHT POWER: All right, we've had an hour, and if Mr. "Thunder God" would stop "getting funky" for a few minutes, we can get things going. SENATOR F.A. SCHIST: Way to connect with the people, Dwight. SENATOR DWIGHT POWER: Ladies and gentlemen, during our brief recess, the committee secured the services of an expert on the ghetto-slang...uh...I mean...the, uh, African-American culture; Mr. Charleton Heston. CHARLETON HESTON: THANK you, Senator!!!! As I stand before this most SANCTIMONIOUS of government bodies...I swear...oh...how I SWEAR! I will do my DAMNDEST to get down with our mighty friend here. SENATOR DWIGHT POWER: Thank you, Mr. Heston. Now, Thor, if you would please tell this committee how to poison the reservoirs of the world in such a way that only gays would die...oh...sorry, I meant...why you have chosen to come to these proceedings. THOR: So, NOW thou dost finally allow thy better to speak, dost thou? Well, the scion of Asgard hath much to share with the mortals who doth claim right over... CHARLETON HESTON: SENATOR! My soul-brother Thor wishes to express his need for...KEEPIN' IT REAL! THOR: WHAT?!?!? CHARLETON HESTON: Yes, gathered law-makers! My BOY-YEEEE wishes only to prove he is...TOO LEGIT! SENATOR DWIGHT POWER: Too legit too quit? CHARELTON HESTON: Yeah-aaaaahhhhh!!!!!! THOR: BY YMIR'S TEETH! THOU DOST REPRESENT THE ODINSON IN A MOST FALSE MANNER! CHARLETON HESTON: Get your dirty paws off me, you DAMN DIRTY GOD! SENATOR DWIGHT POWER: He's getting funky again. SENATOR HASSLEHOFF: Mr. Thor, please stop crushing Mr. Heston's skull. Mr. Thor! Oh, geez! SENATOR DWIGHT POWER: Oh, man. All right, ONE HOUR RECESS WHILE I FIGURE OUT A WAY TO FINISH OFF THE INDIANS...uh, I mean... SENATOR HASSLEHOFF: Let it go, man. (One hour later) SENATOR DWIGHT POWER: Okay. I think NOW we have a suitable translator for these proceedings. SENATOR HASSLEHOFF: I believe so. SENATOR F.A. SCHIST: Couldn't agree more. THOR: The Odinson doth NOT approve of thy choice, nay, ne'er in untold EONS shall I approve of this folly. Only for the sake of peace between mortals and gods doth the lord of the storm now bend to your will in this matter. SENATOR DWIGHT POWER: Mr. Thor, please cease your ghetto babbling until you are spoken to!!!! Now, Senator Schist, if you please. SENATOR F.A. SCHIST: Thank you, Senator Power. Now, Mr. Thor, Is it true that you claim to be the god of Thunder? THOR: Dost thou think the Odinson doth carry the mighty hammer Mjolnir for show? Dost thou think the wise all-father did order its most epic creation for naught? AYE! THE GOD OF THUNDER DOTH STAND BEFORE THEE! I AM THOR! MASTER OF THE STORM! SCION OF--- SENATOR F.A. SCHIST: Translator? HULK: Stupid Longhair says yes, he is Stupid Longhair. SENATOR DWIGHT POWER: See, Thor? Is it really all that tough to speak plain English? Are your loyalties to "Da Motherland," so important that you can't at least speak coherently like Mr. Hulk here? HULK: Hee hee. Puny human said Stupid Longhair is dumb. THOR: I HEARD YON MORTAL SPEAK ILL OF ME, MONSTER! SHOULDST THOU LIKE TO SEE WHAT DOTH HAPPEN WHEN THOU DOST THE SAME?!?!?!? HULK: HULK DIDN'T CALL STUPID LONGHAIR STUPID! PUNY HUMAN DID! BUT IF STUPID LONGHAIR WANTS TO TRY TO HURT HULK, THEN STUPID LONGHAIR REALLY IS STUPID, BECAUSE HULK IS THE STRONGEST ONE THERE IS!! SENATOR DWIGHT POWER: Uh, Mr. Hulk and Mr. Thor, please, would you please try and kill the poor...uh...I mean, sit down. SENATOR F.A. SCHIST: Chill out, Homeez! The Committe orders you to CHILL! THOR: FOR ASGARD!!!!!!!!!!!! HULK: HULK SMASH!!!!!!!!!!!! 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Guest CED Ordonez Report post Posted November 19, 2002 THOR: Hast the porches of thine ears spilled mud into thy brains? 'Tis the tongue of the Angles which I doth speak! ART THOU DEAF? SENATOR DWIGHT POWER: Okay! I heard "DEF" in there somehwere, I think this is Ebonics. Classic. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Goodear Report post Posted November 20, 2002 Why don't The Mighty Thor and Hulk have a late night talk show? Honestly, I always crack up for this sort of stuff, no matter how many times I see it. Throw in Doom and you have some Three's Company thats going on. WORD! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
