Handy Dandy Raw Stats

[Guest Smell the ratings!!!]

If anyone wonders why it's been about a month since I first did this, it's because I watch Raw like every 3 weeks.

 

Let's start with my main complaint.

 

MATCHES: 5

 

Matches I could have missed completly by having to pee: 2

 

Matches over 5 minutes: 1

 

Total Wrestling Time: 24 minutes.

 

FUCK YOU.

 

that said...

 

Total HHH time: 0! omg!!!11

 

but there is a caveat (besides my spelling);

 

Segments free of HHH mentions: 0. Seriously.

 

GREAT THINGS

 

1. Jericho speaks!

2. Harvard sells the skull's cultural signifigance. He's so learn-ed!

3. Helms as Vince. "STAND BAAAAACK"

4. 3D!!!!!

5. Stevie on TV

 

COOL MOVES

 

1. Gorybreaker! ~BONG~

2. Snow does a moonsault onto 6 chairs because it makes us smile.

3. Stevie's double arm DDT. Would have been #5 if he did it on a man.

4. Jericho bulldogs RVD on the floor

5. Steiner Tigerbombs Jericho. Tommorow, Jericho awakens in a hospital bed wearing a halo.

 

HIDEOUS!

 

1. For the first time, I hear these words: "Big Show is the new WWE Champion".

2. HBK mocks me by faking retirement. Ass.

3. Rosie and Jammal: Worse than Jackie Gayda?

4. Tommy Dreamer: total pussy

5. Stacey Kiebler making ball jokes END THIS SEGMENT GOD

 

Sublime or Retarded?: Jeff Hardy doing an angle where he hurts himself, so they have a prewrapped explanation when he inevitably does hurt himself.

 

Good thing they split up the Dudleys and Hardys so they could all get some singles matches.

 

REASONS TO BRING BACK THE IC TITLE

 

1. Rico moonsaults

2. Rico spin kicks

3. Rico pants

4. Rico sideburns

5. Rico interviews

 

Number of wrestlers on Raw that D'Lo could smoke with his eyes closed: Ummmm...

 

Number of wrestlers on Raw D'Lo couldn't smoke with his eyes closed: 4. (Booker, RVD, Jericho, Hurricane)

 

Things that makes a show worse: Bumping Goldust and Christian off the show so we can have 4 Stacey segments. SOMEONE KILL ME

 

GOOD THINGS ABOUT STEINER

 

1. He's new

2. He drops people on thier heads

3. He's hilarious

4. He has cool music

5. He's over

 

BAD THINGS ABOUT STEINER

 

1. He drops Jericho on his head

2. He kind of sucks at wrestling now

3. He killed all his brain cells and he don't talk and think good

4. He will slow down a veeeeeeeeery slow show.

5. It will look kind of retarded when he gets hurt in two weeks.

 

MEN I CAN PROCLAIM LOVE FOR WITHOUT QUESTIONING MY SEXUALITY

 

1. Chris Jericho

 

Right now our big Wrestlemania Unification match is: an out of shape jobber vs. a crippled non-wrestler.

 

RANDOM NOTES

 

1. Raw fucking sucks

2. The Bears may have looked ok on national tv, but when I get stuck watching them on regional instead of games with playoff implications, they always seem to suck ass.

3. Everyone should use old Powerman songs for enterance music

4. One day, Test will have every single woman in WWE escort him to ringside. The crowd will neither cheer nor boo.

5. Big Show is our champion. Vince McMahon, somewhere, some day, you will pay for this.

[Guest MarvinisaLunatic]

You forgot 2 (or 3..) mentions of NECROPHILIA!

 

Even though its HBK and RVD saying they hate it because they are WRESTLING FANS..

 

I admit...that made me MARK out..I dunno, someone, anyone saying that on TV, to Eric Bischoff, is a GOOD thing..but got ZERO reaction..

[Guest deadbeater]

That wasn't a tigerbomb that Steiner did; it was a standing Tiger Driver. Tiger Driver '02 perhaps?

[Guest Smell the ratings!!!]

I think it was supposed to be a tiger bomb, and it ended up looking like a "I fucking jammed my spine into my ass". Let's go with a butterfly bomb and call it even.

[Guest TheAnvil]

It's the same move he used in wCw. It's kinda like the one Regal does, only he spins them 90 degrees on the way down.

 

And...even though they didn't have a lot of wrestling, they did a good job of advancing all the storylines. I'll take it. It's better than most of what they've been trying to force on us.