Rob E Dangerously 0 Report post Posted November 24, 2002 [We zoom in on a security camera in a local steakhouse. We see a man nervously waiting at table. Then we see Leon Sharpe enter and sit down at the table with him.] Jerry: Mr. Sharpe? [sharpe begins to speak quickly.] Leon Sharpe: Paul! Hey, Paul. Good to see you, Paul. [sharpe quickly shakes Jerry's hand.] Sharpe: How ya doin, Paul? [and he still shakes.] Sharpe: You're looking well, Paul. [and still shaking.] Sharpe: How's the family, Paul? [and he is still shaking his hand.] Sharpe: Glad you could make it, Paul. [and he stops.] Jerry: Actually, my name's Jerry. Leon Sharpe:… first rule of business, don't correct the boss. Jerry: Oh… sorry, sir. Leon Sharpe: Don't worry about it, Paul. What are you having? Waiter? Jerry: Well, I thought I'd try the steak. [sharpe shakes his head.] Leon Sharpe: Have you ever had buffalo? Delicious meat. Have the buffalo. [Jerry nods, but Sharpe continues.] Leon Sharpe: I swear it taste like they cut it right off God's ass. Absolutely superb. [Jerry nods, but Sharpe cuts him off by continuing to speak] Leon Sharpe: You're having the buffalo. Everything else on the menu is crap! You hear me? [Jerry nods, but Sharpe continues.] Leon Sharpe: Crap! They should only serve buffalo because everything else is like eating boiled crap! Boiled crap I tell ya! Buffalo! Can't beat it! Buffalo sandwich that's what you'll have! A buffalo sandwich! It doesn't get much better than that! Waiter! [sharpe pauses] Leon Sharpe: My friend and I are ready to order. My friend will have the buffalo… [sharpe smirks.] Leon Sharpe: and I'll have the steak. [Pause, and we hear a voiceover of Leon as the shot is frozen.] Leon Sharpe: It is said that Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% presperation. Sean Connery impersonator: but, it can be sawd dat in this case, Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% insanity Leon Sharpe: Hey, I heard that! [back to the table.] Leon Sharpe: Now Paul, let's get down to business. Jerry: Yes, sir. Leon Sharpe: I want to start with marketing. Jerry: I thought we were here to talk about sales? Leon Sharpe: Paul. Second rule of business. Don't correct the boss! Jerry: I thought that was the first rule of business, sir? [sharpe shakes his head.] Leon Sharpe: Paul. Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul… Paul! You're not up to a good start! Jerry: Sorry, sir. Leon Sharpe: Don't worry about it Paul. Paul the reason I want to talk sales with you is- Jerry: Wait, so are we going to talk sales now? Leon Sharpe: Paul… Do you hate me? Jerry: Why…? No, sir. Leon Sharpe: Why do you hate me, Paul? Jerry: I don't hate you, sir. Leon Sharpe: Come on Paul… you can say it. Jerry: No sir, I don't hate you. [Leon picks up a steak knife.] Leon Sharpe: Paul, you know… and I know… that you… want to drive this steak knife… [sharpe makes a gesture to his chest.] Leon Sharpe: right into my heart! Jerry: No sir. [sharpe forces the knife into Jerry's hands and moves them towards his heart, as Jerry resists.] Leon Sharpe: Come on Paul. Do it! Do it Paul! Drive the steak knife into my heart, Paul! Right in the middle of this four star restaurant! Jerry: No sir, I won't do it! [sharpe lets go of the knife.] Leon Sharpe: Good decision, Paul. Good decision. Because you know what? [pause.] Leon Sharpe: I WAS ONLY KIDDING! [sharpe laughs as Jerry shakes his head.] Jerry: I… I kind of figured you weren't serious, sir. Leon Sharpe: I didn't want you to stab me in chest with this steak knife. That would be crazy! Jerry: Yes sir. Leon Sharpe: All right Paul, no more jokes. Joke time is over. We are here to discuss business. Jerry: Okay sir, where would you like to start? Leon Sharpe: I want to start… with sales! Jerry: Good sir, because I happen to have the sales figures right- Leon Sharpe: No, no Paul. No. I don't want to talk about our sales. I want to start with the sales of… Hadenut! Jerry: Hadenut? Leon Sharpe: Hadenut! Jerry: I… I don't understand, sir, are they a competitor? Leon Sharpe: No, Paul. They are not a competitor. Jerry: … So why are we going to talk about their sales? Leon Sharpe: Paul, did I tell you about the third rule of business? Jerry: Uh… Can I guess sir? Leon Sharpe: You don't have to guess Paul. Cuz' I'm gonna tell you… [sharpe slaps Jerry across the face.] Leon Sharpe: Don't correct the boss! Jerry: Sorry again, sir. Leon Sharpe: Don't worry about it Paul. Now back to Hadenut! Jerry: So why are we talking about their sales, sir? Leon Sharpe: Whoa! Slow down Paul! You're on fire here. Don't you want to know what they make? Jerry: I guess so, sir. Leon Sharpe: They make… (dramatic pause)… Leon Sharpe: bean bag chairs! Jerry: … Beanbag... chairs, sir? Leon Sharpe: That's right Paul… Beanbag chairs! Jerry: Why do we need to talk about the sales of a company that makes beanbag chairs, sir? Leon Sharpe: Paul. Let me ask you a question. What does my company make? Jerry: We make and sell computers, sir. Leon Sharpe: Oh yes.. That's right! We make and sell computers! And I don't know if you know this Paul… but computers are very hard to make. Have you ever tried to make a computer, Paul? Jerry: Uh, no sir. Leon Sharpe: Let me tell you… it's hard! They got all sorts of wire and chips and motherboards and fatherboards. It's crazy! [sharpe laughs.] Leon Sharpe: I mean its very complicated… I once tried to build a computer out of rubber bands and vaseline… and you know what happened? Jerry: No sir. Leon Sharpe: IT BLEW UP! IT BLEW UP RIGHT IN MY FACE! And that's when I thought. I don't know a thing about computers! I don't even know who invented the computer. Do you know Paul? Jerry: I think it was- Leon Sharpe: Johnny Computer, exactly, that's what I thought! But you know what? [sharpe points to Jerry.] Leon Sharpe: We're wrong. It turns out there is not Johnny Computer… or a Philip B. Toaster… Or Albert Deodorant! These people don't exist! And that's when I thought about Santa Claus! Jerry: Santa Claus, sir? Leon Sharpe: Santa Claus. You know who I'm talking about right? Santa Claus big fat guy, red suit, comes once a year on… on… what is it? I'm not quite sure about this.. Jerry: Christmas. Leon Sharpe: Christmas! Now he's a fat man right? That's when I thought… most fat people don't have any purpose in life! [Jerry gasps.] Leon Sharpe: They don't! They just sit on their asses and eat all day. It's a fact! And that's when I thought… Why not just let people sit on them? Jerry: Oh my god... Leon Sharpe: Then I realized that wouldn't work… Jerry: Uh huh… Leon Sharpe: … Because if little kids tried to sit on them… THE FAT PEOPLE WOULD EAT THEM! right? So then I thought… instead of fat people… Jerry: Use bean bag chairs? Leon Sharpe: Almost… let the children sit on bean bag chairs and let the adults… sit on fat people! Jerry: Oh God! Leon Sharpe: And then I thought of you! Jerry: Me, sir? Leon Sharpe: Yes, but not in a sexual way. I would like you to head up this division! Jerry: Sir, I must respectively decline- Leon Sharpe: Starting at $500,000 a year. Jerry: Wha…? Leon Sharpe: Wait better make it $550,000, just to be on the safe side. Jerry: On… the safe side…? Leon Sharpe: And of course you'll need a new office. Jerry: A new office? Leon Sharpe: A corner office! With one, no four secretaries! Jerry: four secretaries? Leon Sharpe: And an expense account! Jerry: And keys to the executive washroom? Leon Sharpe: No of course not! Don't be ridiculous! Jerry: Oh… sorry, sir. Leon Sharpe: You'll have to have your own private washroom. This is an important project and you need to be able to poop in peace! Jerry: Oh… uh, that's great sir. Leon Sharpe: So can I count on you, Paul? Jerry: Sir, let me be the first to congratulate you on our new… beanbag chair/fat people… endeavor. Leon Sharpe: We're gonna be rich, Paul. Very, very rich. Mainly me.. you might be. Jerry: I hope so, sir. [Leon Sharpe raises his water glass for a toast] Leon Sharpe: Here's to business, Paul. Jerry: To business. (they toast) Leon Sharpe: Now where's the waiter with my buffalo? Jerry: Uh, I had the buffalo, sir… Leon Sharpe: Paul… did I ever tell you about the fourth rule of business? Jerry: Sorry, sir. [Fade to black] ---- info.. The preceding was (inspired by/plagarized from) "The Business Lunch" by Sean Slater and the alteration of it by two 'Forensics' Duo people making 'Baxter' into a psychotic Texan done today (which was really good) None of the preceding was real, Leon Sharpe just didn't feel like doing a real update. I may return later. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest HollywoodSpikeJenkins Report post Posted November 24, 2002 Leon Sharpe....who? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Tod deKindes Report post Posted November 24, 2002 Hey Spike, suggestion. Instead of taking the time to put up posts containing such inane and stupid waffling bullshit, why don't you concentrate on writing your match, which I do believe is due technically today. And hey, guess what? I'm your marker. I'm looking in my inbox, and ummm, nope. I got nothing. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest HollywoodSpikeJenkins Report post Posted November 24, 2002 Hey Spike, suggestion. Instead of taking the time to put up posts containing such inane and stupid waffling bullshit, why don't you concentrate on writing your match, which I do believe is due technically today. And hey, guess what? I'm your marker. I'm looking in my inbox, and ummm, nope. I got nothing. Well, I, uhh..... Hey look. There's my match. And what the hell? It isnt finished yet. Damn computers deleting stuff or something... *goes back to writing* Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
