WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT - 12/5/2002!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Well, it's been a few weeks and it looks like UPN 65 has gotten it's problems fixed. I'm a little rusty so bear with me.

 

WHAT WORKED

 

- Jamie Noble and Nidia french kiss and you wonder if Noble was backstage earlier asking Kidman to smell his finger. Did they do that in the two weeks I didn't see? That's as redneck as it comes. "C'mere man. Man alive, she is clean as all hell...." I'm sorry. Maybe I took you to a bad place. Anyway. Crash gets his ass kicked and then goes on offense and then tries to put his malformed winkie on young Nidia and gets Noble in a Styles Clash and it's over. The part where Nidia is patient while Noble goes through a personal crisis after losing is beautiful.

 

- Benoit talks about his kids and they really don't need to get all shoot-angly to get any wrestling fan with half a fucking brain torqued about the elimination match. But it was nice. Benoit motherfucking rules. He could have channelled Jimmy Valiant asking Lance Russell about all his ladies and it would been just as effective. Actually, if Benoit started channelling Boogie Woogie oratory stylings, I think my pants would explode. "Cole, Daddy, I GOT A BIG NUT at the end of the week! I got babies running 'round in Canada and babies running around in 'Merka and my OLD old lady and my new big mama needing that check every week. I NEED THE TITLE, BABAY! I got bills to pay, I got money to make. I got no time for half-steppin' and shucking n jiving, Daddy!" It would fucking rule. COME TO PAPA!

 

- Eddy and Chavo talk about how the perfect world would have them with all the belts. They refer back to Grandma and we all weep as they get focused- FOCUSED- ~~~~FOCUSED~~~~ on taking over the WWE. Godspeed, greatest wrestler in North America and your nephew!

 

- Kidman has the belt and Chavo deserves it so I'm excited for a second. Chavo works on the ribs and then Schneider calls and my mind wanders off. Kidman makes it easy for me to not pay attention. Then they bump big and I no longer pay attention to Phil yammering about Jumbo Tsuruta and Billy Robinson. Kidman retains and I'm can't give a shit anymore. Kidman is the most boring wrestler on earth even if he takes one giant bump a match.

 

- Fatal Fourway starts in progress for some reason. Edge fights out of the endless knee-breakage. Angle and Benoit are fun grinding Edges knee into powder. A powder that Albert will not grind it into in such a fun way. Angle opts TO BUMP LIKE A MOTHERFUCKING FREAK. Edge sells the knee well and then whips out that stupid looking single man flapjack and everybody flies out of the ring. Angle and Eddy go at it in the ring and Eddy is more fun punching Angle in the face than vice versa. Eddy also has better suplexes. Eddy with the sweet armdrag out of the Anglesault into the WWE Dangerous Backdrop. Benoit hits the Diving Headbutt and it rules as Eddy kicks out as Angle had kicked out of Eddy's finisher. Angle flies over the toprope and Benoit and Eddy go at it as Edge spears Eddy and Benoit hits the Crossface to eliminate Eddy. The question by this point is- why is Edge still in this? They do some stuff and do the ref bump and Edge eliminates Benoit after Eddy hits Benoit with his belt- as they are kinda randomly booking this match. Edge fights out of Angle's extended ankle lock after the chairshots and the endless beating it took when three guys were destroying it. This would be bad booking and bad wrestling. So the commercial kicks in and I opt to rewind the tape. We are left with the least possible singles match which is still a fine match if they would have lost the stupid chairshots-to-the-knee crap which makes it an annoying match-up. Edge sells the knee after the belly-to-belly. Then they go into a bunch of nearfalls. They do a neat part where Edge hits a toprope missile dropkick and sells the knee up and after, leading to Edge trying to get out of the ankle lock and they draw it out for a while. Angle hits the toprope Angle Slam for the win. Big Show does some chokeslamming and I no longer have to care. Fun match but it was the least of what it could be, I would say. I like being able to bitch about a match this good. That says wrestling is really fucking great in this country now.

 

WHAT DIDN'T WORK

 

- ALBERT IS CRAZY! He's trying to break Rey Rey's leg! This is supposed to make me give a shit about Albert!

 

- Oh, I don't know about this impending Edge vs Albert feud. I see the facade of EDGE- THE SUPERWRESTLER about to fade. I got no beef with young Albert. He's got a fine lookin limited Power Arsenal kinda. He's sooo much better than the Warlord or something. He can sell kinda. But, the problem for our man, young Edge is that... He's not Eddy Guerrerro. That Albert, he's not Eddy Guerrerro. In terms of carrying Edge, he's not Eddy Guerrerro. Albert is not Eddy Guerrerro. Albert does not equal Eddy Guerrerro. That bodes ill for Edge and his string of good matches. He'll be wrestling Albert. Not Eddy Guerrerro. Eddy Guerrerro is better than Albert. Albert is not Eddy Guerrerro. Eddy is Eddy. Albert is Albert. Edge is wrestling Albert. Edge will not be wrestling Eddy. Albert is not Eddy. I would venture that Albert is less than Eddy. Eddy is better than Albert.

 

- Bill Dermott is coming to Smackdown. Boy, he's all intense and loud! He is! Did you hear him? YELLING! Boy, he really has never had a wrestling match I've ever wanted to see ever. Nope. None. Seen all of them. Even in W*ING when he was Crash The Terminator. He really sucks. Sucks dick. He sucks. He is INVADING! Smackdown and is gonna EARN SOME RESPECT! Boy, that'll suck. He sucks. Then he squashes Funaki. Jesus Christ, he is TEACHING people to throw punches and kicks as suck ass as that? Wow. The word of the segment is: SUCK. Nice Moonsault. There. Mo from Men On A Mission had a nice moonsault too. Maybe they will bring him in for a special Battle Of The Crappy Suck Ass Wrestlers With Moonsaults Moonsault Battle! MOONSAULT BATTLE! LOSER CAN NEVER DO THE MOONSAULT! EVER! NEVER EVER! WOW!

 

- Stephanie does a lot of talking and they show highlights of her going off and fucking Scott Steiner- an act that causes Bischoff to lose all ability to act, it seems.

 

- Hey Russo is ghostwriting the Torrie/ Dawn Marie skits. Lesbianism is soooooo lame compared to Al Wilson unleashing the purple people eater. That sucked. Come on, shithead writers of the WWE- we ain't afraid of a little dick in our quasi-porno angles. Fucking needle-dicked pussies.

 

- Lesnar is talking in a garage in Minneapolis instead of bumping like a freak for someone in the ring and then it's a FACE TO FACE over the video monitor! Just like in the old Apter mags! The Big Show looks kinda like Nikolai Volkov in that suit. All he needs is the cent signs. Heyman hides his wood while talking about spanking Brock Lesnar and Heyman goes kinda flaming and suddenly I'm in love with this. Then he talks about screwing Brock Lesnar and enjoying screwing Brock Lesnar. And you and I weep love's easy tears. We've all been THERE before, one way or another. Heyman compliments Brock on the screwing and the spanking and we enjoy the homoerotic love between men tragically seperated by video screens. The Big Show is cut off before he can speak and we also thank God for that. Maybe this worked.

 

- Did Mo actually rap? Oh wait, Oscar. K-Kwik is a shitty rapper. Did Swoll ever rap? P N News? Yeah, sure. Cena- best rappin' rezzla. Unbelievably, they beat up Rikishi. Oh, that's Bull Buchanon- BOY! Smackdown is stockin' the lake with shit lately. Taz dances and we all feel bad for him. You want to reach through the screen and hug him and tell him to go ahead and sit down. It's cool. You take a chance sometimes in situations. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't.

 

- They need to stop saying the word "bully". It sounds stupid. They said it like 200 times. If Albert started taking Edge's lunch money, that would be great and I would back their "Bully"-usage 100%. He didn't. What Albert did do to Edge was not be Eddy. Eddy is Eddy. Albert is Albert. Albert is a bully. A bully that is not Eddy.

 

- God, first UPN 65 goes off the air for two weeks and now THIS! Right after the Elimination Match, it's signal gets crossed up with the worst Cinemax After Dark movie I've ever seen. Something about a woman who is solving a crime involving her father and has to do lesbianic things with this leathery stripper. God, none of these Cinemax porno queens can act. Jesus.

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

[Guest Mattdotcom]

You rule.

 

- Eddy and Chavo talk about how the perfect world would have them with all the belts. They refer back to Grandma and we all weep as they get focused- FOCUSED- ~~~~FOCUSED~~~~ on taking over the WWE. Godspeed, greatest wrestler in North America and your nephew!

 

That made my day.

[Guest Spaceman Spiff]

So, wait, is Albert Eddy Guerrero or not?

 

And I think you need a dose of DeMottitude.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

So, wait, is Albert Eddy Guerrero or not?

 

And I think you need a dose of DeMottitude.

Albert is Albert. Eddy is Eddy. Albert is not Eddy.

 

And i would then want to go directly onto DeMethodone.

 

DEAN.

[Guest ShooterJay]

I'm thinking of asking for my subname to be changed to "Marks for DEAN~!"

[Guest Smell the ratings!!!]

- Jamie Noble and Nidia french kiss and you wonder if Noble was backstage earlier asking Kidman to smell his finger. Did they do that in the two weeks I didn't see? That's as redneck as it comes. "C'mere man. Man alive, she is clean as all hell...." I'm sorry. Maybe I took you to a bad place.

I missed you

[Guest AndrewTS]

- Oh, I don't know about this impending Edge vs Albert feud. I see the facade of EDGE- THE SUPERWRESTLER about to fade. I got no beef with young Albert. He's got a fine lookin limited Power Arsenal kinda. He's sooo much better than the Warlord or something. He can sell kinda. But, the problem for our man, young Edge is that... He's not Eddy Guerrerro. That Albert, he's not Eddy Guerrerro. In terms of carrying Edge, he's not Eddy Guerrerro. Albert is not Eddy Guerrerro. Albert does not equal Eddy Guerrerro. That bodes ill for Edge and his string of good matches. He'll be wrestling Albert. Not Eddy Guerrerro. Eddy Guerrerro is better than Albert. Albert is not Eddy Guerrerro. Eddy is Eddy. Albert is Albert. Edge is wrestling Albert. Edge will not be wrestling Eddy. Albert is not Eddy. I would venture that Albert is less than Eddy. Eddy is better than Albert.

 

Poor Edge--about to be dicked over like this. Eddy, Angle, and the others have to be shaking their heads and thinking "We put him over for him to end up doing this shit?

 

Albert is not Eddy. So simple you'd think the booking team wouldn't understand. Damnit JR!

 

Glad I missed the show. I have Mario Sunshine now as well to go along with my Metroid Prime. 2 GC games now! WHOO!

 

I'm sad I missed the two good matches, but seeing two hoss squashes would probably kill any interest I had anyway.

[Guest Brian]

Just for the sheer number of Eddy mentions this workrate report rules.

[Guest AndrewTS]

Just for the sheer number of Eddy mentions this workrate report rules.

Hmm...I dunno--the Albert mentions kinda work against it...

[Guest Lord of The Curry]

I just can't get over how fuckin great Angle's kickouts were tonight, he took the crowd, placed it into the palm of his hand and almost gave them the 3 count, only to say "Funk ya" and pull it out at 2.9

[Guest Banky]

Man, why does everyone hate on Cena's new gimmick? I don't understand. Its funny as hell. Rikishi was sooo bad, and dressed like a tool. Cena looked relatively cool and had good mc slillZ for a rassler. I dig it.

 

And yes, Eddy is good....I mean God.

[LaParkaYourCar 0]

Man, why does everyone hate on Cena's new gimmick? I don't understand. Its funny as hell. Rikishi was sooo bad, and dressed like a tool. Cena looked relatively cool and had good mc slillZ for a rassler. I dig it.

 

And yes, Eddy is good....I mean God.

Who's hating on Cena? It seems most of us are getting a kick out of his new character.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Just for the sheer number of Eddy mentions this workrate report rules.

Hmm...I dunno--the Albert mentions kinda work against it...

Albert is a neutral agent in the equation. He is directly in the middle of all wrestling.

 

DEAN.

[Guest Goodear]

WHAT WORKED

 

- Crash gets his ass kicked and then goes on offense and then tries to put his malformed winkie on young Nidia and gets Noble in a Styles Clash and it's over. The part where Nidia is patient while Noble goes through a personal crisis after losing is beautiful.

 

Crash actually got some offense that didn't blow! That's pretty much a first for him that I've seen. The Styles Clash to sunset flip position was cool, does AJ do it that way too? I'm just wondering. Is it me or do Noble and Nadia work best when they talk to each other? You take either one out of the equation and it just isn't the same.

 

- "Cole, Daddy, I GOT A BIG NUT at the end of the week! I got babies running 'round in Canada and babies running around in 'Merka and my OLD old lady and my new big mama needing that check every week. I NEED THE TITLE, BABAY! I got bills to pay, I got money to make. I got no time for half-steppin' and shucking n jiving, Daddy!"

 

That's what Noble needs! Bastard children from different mothers! Actually, this sounds a lot like a Noble promo now that I look at it. Boogie Woogie was an innovator!

 

- Kidman has the belt and Chavo deserves it so I'm excited for a second.  Kidman retains and I'm can't give a shit anymore. Kidman is the most boring wrestler on earth even if he takes one giant bump a match.

 

What the hell happened to Kidman? He did used to be good and exciting right?

 

Damn work, I have to go now...

[Guest notJames]

What the hell happened to Kidman? He did used to be good and exciting right?

Not to me. I think they're only keeping him as a favour to Torrie. Right now, his non-credibility as champ is only overshadowed by the usual suspects.

[Guest Incandenza]

But...Kidman has the powerbomb reversal!

 

There were a couple of years in WCW where Kidman seemed exciting, but that's due to having a cadre of awesome cruiserweights making him look good by overselling his girly offense.

[Guest TheyCallMeMark]

Ugh. I must've been the only person who thought the main-event was lame. Those kick-outs did nothing for me, since like there were nine-thousand of them for about ten minutes. The whole match was an ending sequence after Angle "Ring General" was alone.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

 

- Jamie Noble and Nidia french kiss and you wonder if Noble was backstage earlier asking Kidman to smell his finger. Did they do that in the two weeks I didn't see? That's as redneck as it comes. "C'mere man. Man alive, she is clean as all hell...." I'm sorry. Maybe I took you to a bad place.

I missed you

I missed you.....