The First Annual evenflowDDT Awards

[Guest evenflowDDT]

Voice Over

Welcome to a leaky, dank basement in lovely Pacifica, CA for the First Annual evenflowDDT Awards! They're better because they're independent! And now, the founder and sponsor of this ceremony... evenflowDDT!

 

::silence. evenflowDDT stumbles out of his room, drops an empty bottle of vodka and hits a button for the worst canned heat this side of a Mark Henry match::

 

evenflowDDT

A day late they said. A buck shhort. Well, tha never shotpped me befur, now hash it, Lo-fucking-Lz~!?@~# Firsht I gotsa get shomeghing ofah m chest... ferfgive the uncharacterishtic rudensas, but...

 

FUCK ALL YO PUNK (Princess) MONKEY BISCHES!!!! MAYBE WHEN YUR DONE DRINKING THE PISS FROM YUR MOM'SH DIRRRTY CUNT OU'LL REALISE WHO TAH MO-FUKCING CORFE OF DISH BORED ISH... ITSH NO FUKCIN DAMESH! SHOMEBOYSH GOTTA BE DA BAD GFUY DAMES>>> ITSH NOT YOU ITSH ME DAMMIT! ITSH NO FUKCIN KINECTIDC... I CALED UP DEF FUKCING LEOPAPRD JES FOR YOU TONIHGT!!! I GOAT THE BRST NO WHY? NO THE FUCKING BEST IS ME, ME, EVFENLOW GOD-DAMNED D T~!!~!~!@~!# BU I DIN'T EVENFOLW GET ONE VOTE FO R ANYIHNG!! SHO I MAKE MY OWN FUCKIN AWRADS FUCK YOU ALL!!!!!

 

::evenflowDDT makes to walk away but drops to the floor and pukes::

 

Voice Over

Billy Crystal was unable to make it tonight, but his Pacifican celebrity replacement... Rob Schneider!

 

::Rob Schneider walks in eating some Chinese food::

 

Rob Schneider

Thank you! I didn't get a lot for this gig, but I got enough for food at Tam's. Pacifican cuisine so great I wrote it into my HI-LARIOUS film The Animal! There's sure to be more laughs with my upcoming film... uhhh... The HOt Chick! That's it! G'night ladies and gentlemen!

 

::Rob Schneider leaves::

 

Voice Over

Erm... and now, Crash Holly!

 

Crash Holly

For some reason, you all hate me, but to one man, whether I'm Erin O'Grady or jobbing to Albert, I'm always the Hometown Hero. And that's this man right here, evenflowDDT. It's my honor to present him the honor for Best Raven Mark. Dude, wake up, I'm about to announce your award!

 

::Crash Holly stomps evenflowDDT until he wakes up::

 

evenflowDDT

Thish ish my MOMENNT OG FLORYA~!!

 

Crash Holly

And the winner for Best Raven Mark is...

RAVENBOMB! Erm...

 

::evenflowDDT, outraged, shoves Crash against the wall::

 

evenflowDDT

WTF U MEAN UUI VOTED FOR HIM?! I LOS MTTY OWNN FUCKIN AWRD... NOW I'M PREAYYT STRUNG MAD!!!! GAEGT THE AIFUKC OUTA MY HOUAE BITCH

 

::Crash gives evenflowDDT a Styles Cl... "Crash Landing" and leaves::

 

Voice Over

The next award, for... oh, pizza's here? Catch ya later Ed. Uhh... more of the First Annual evenflowDDT Awards later tonight, with special appearances by Punk Princess, The Golem, and Def Leppard!

[Guest Kinetic]

I'm disappointed at the lack of Billy Crystal. I call bait and switch, man. Bait and switch!

[Guest The Man in Blak]

...

 

Hacked account?

[Guest MarvinisaLunatic]

Hmm...

 

I didnt get any votes either...

[Guest Incandenza]

Oh, please. No more Punk Princess, I beg of you.

[Guest Kinetic]

I could say the same for Def Leppard.

[Guest Incandenza]

I don't think evenflow can accept that Punk Princess was such a disaster. Poor guy.

[Guest LooseCannon]

Congratulations to Ravenbomb.

[Guest Sandman9000]

At least I got a vote for Worst Poster.

 

Sucka.

 

And I'm starting to regret teaching 'Flow here how to smoke crack.

[Guest evenflowDDT]

Voice Over

Jesus, this is terrible. But hey, at least there's free pizza... what a disaster. Oh, we're back. Speaking of disasters, here's Def Leppard and Punk Princess!!!

 

::Def Leppard and Punk Princess, acoustic guitar in hand, perform live covers of "Hysteria" and "Sk8r Boi". If there was an audience, they've long since left as Punk Princess takes the next envelope::

 

Punk Princess

It's hard to gain credibility when you're a washed up '80s band. It's hard to run a message board when INVADERS ARRIVE THEN THINK YOU AREN'T YOU! Hmph. Oh, and it's even harder to keep up as a prolific poster on a board like this when you're a dial-up user. So, I'm proud to present the award for Best Dial-Up User with Over 4000 Posts. Your winner is...

 

Marvinisalunatic?!?!?!

 

::"Punk Princess" tears off "her" wig, sets it on fire, then smashes it with "her" acoustic guitar. She grabs another bottle of vodka and downs it.::

 

evenflowDDT

FUCKINA DISAHASHTRE... FUKCIN' BITCH! YUO WERA SPOSED TO VOTE FOR ME DAMINT!!!!!!

 

Voice Over

Poor guy. This is pretty depressing, so... let's take a short break, brought to you by Isaac Hayes, University of California Santa Cruz' patented Teleslug System, and this poor sap's Amazon wishlist! If you're going to waste your money, why not waste it on me... err... he.

[Guest alfdogg]

Ban Agnes.

[Guest Sandman9000]

Yeah, it was a bad idea to teach Evenflow to smoke crack.

 

Crack + pressure from skewl and finals + internet + crack = the shit above.

[Guest LooseCannon]

Congratulations Marvin!

[Guest Kinetic]

I suspect that the drunk thing isn't an act, folks. Speed writing is fun and exciting. Writing while high from pot is hard and you're easily distracted. Writing while drunk is damn near impossible. Your fingers are all over the keyboard, you're suddenly attracted to your monitor, you can't conjugate worth a damn...it's hard. So let's cut Evenflow some slack. He's clearly going through some trying times.

[Guest MarvinisaLunatic]

Whoo. Im the best dialup user with over 4000 posts..

 

Makes me want to re-add the dialup warriors thing to my signature..

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

Writing while high from pot is hard and you're easily distracted.

Are you fucking kidding?

 

<---2640 and counting.

[Guest Kinetic]

Well, I can't do it. I was actually high when the first reports about the Bradshaw-locker room-manlove things came out, and I flipped out. I think I ruptured internal organs when I read about him trying to get that referee to smuggle liquor across the Canadian border.

[Guest evenflowDDT]

Voice Over

Hey... who left the camera on? Oh! Why, there are still some awards left, of course. Here's... ummmm... eh. I'll just do it because I gotta get to work.

 

The Award for Best Cult Movie Fan goes to... C.H.U.D.?!

 

Let's try again...

 

The Award for Best TheSmartMarks Review of a Cult Movie Involving Monsters and Violence (Ha!) goes to... O.R. Polk for his review of Le Pacte des Loups [brotherhood of the Wolf]!

 

Hmph... and finally, the award for Best Poster Named Edward is..................................

 

EDWARD WILLIAM BONHAM III?!?!?!?!?! Fuck this, I'm outta here. I'm late for work anyway.

 

::evenflowDDT stumbles out of bed with red eyes and his hands on his head::

 

evenflowDDT

Oy, my head... hey what's this?

 

...

 

Fudge.

[Guest Sandman9000]

::Takes crackpipe away from Evenflow::

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

Believe it or not

Ed isn't at home

Please leave a message at the beep

He must be out, or he'd pick up the phone

Where could he be?

Believe it or not

He's not home!!

 

(a cookie for who can place that reference)

[Guest KingOfOldSchool]

Seinfeld. I forget which ep it is though.

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

(Gives Manson half a cookie)

[Guest Spaceman Spiff]

The Seinfeld ep. where they pitch in to get a chair for someone. That's George's answering machine message.

 

Of course, George is just ripping off the theme song from "The Greatest American Hero"

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

(gives Spiff the other half of the cookie)

[Guest Spaceman Spiff]

::deserves a whole cookie for the "TGAH" info::

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

Did we ever figure out if Ed was on crack or what when he typed this?

[Guest evenflowDDT]

Ummm... no comment?

[Guest Sandman9000]

::shakes head in shame::

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

I'd like to use this thread to inform everyone that after I blocked all eight or nine of her screen names on AIM, Alina has now registered at ImpressingRoom.com and is harassing me there too.

 

So anyone I told to join that site to see what people thought of you, forget about it.

[Guest MrRant]

I think its obvious that you two are in love.