The First Annual Smart Marks Awards Ceremony

[Guest TSMAdmin]

The First Annual Smart Marks Awards Ceremony

By Danny Gregory

 

 

Voice Over

Welcome to beautiful Radio City Music Hall and The First Annual Smart Marks Awards. Scheduled to appear this evening: Anglesault, Avril Lavigne, Kurt Angle, bps21, Cobainwasmurdered, DJ Jeff, Flyboy, Dr. Tom, Kotzenjunge, Jim Ross, Stephanie McMahon, Kinetic, Triple H, Vince McMahon, Punk Princess, Evenflow DDT, Texas Small Arms 09, The Dames, Metal Ed, O.J. Hart, and many more! Ladies and gentlemen, your host: Danny Gregory!

 

(Danny jogs across the stage, waving to the wildly applauding audience)

 

Danny Gregory

Hello, hello. Welcome to the first ever Smart Marks Awards. I'm your host, Danny Gregory, and boy...was that traffic a bear or what? I actually rode over here with Kotzenjunge and I've got to tell you...that Kylie Minogue music is really fucking awful. I mean, Jesus Christ. But it is somewhat educational. For instance, did you know that Kylie Minogue is Australian for "massive brain hemorrhage?" (cue audience laughter) No? Kotzenjunge was about to be German for "brutal homicide" after a half hour of that, let me tell you. (cue audience laughter) Ah, but we love him, don't we? We've got a great show tonight, folks. Everyone's here. Anglesault is in the house. Good to see him. Although that red, white, and blue singlet probably wasn't appropriate for the occassion. (cue audience laughter) Triple H is here. The Game. He called ahead, so his seats are that...damn...good. (cue audience laughter) But we've got a terrific show, folks, so let's get to it. Our first presenters are a diverse pairing. She's from Texas, while he's Canadian. She's beloved for her helpful advice, while he's despised for his hopeless stupidity. Ladies and gentlemen, Texas Small Arms 09 and DJ Jeff!

 

(They enter the stage from opposite sides and meet at the podium.)

 

DJ Jeff

The Smart Marks Awards are a chance for you--the people who make the board great--to voice your opinion on what's hot and what's not.

 

Texas Small Arms

What over the past year made you laugh and what made you delerious with rage.

 

DJ Jeff

What you picked and what you kicked. ::makes smiley with hands::

 

(crowd begins violent booing)

 

Texas Small Arms

My advice is to shut your trap, doughboy.

 

(cue audience laughter)

 

Both

And the award for Worst Poster of the Year goes to...::a flaming bottle is hurled at DJ Jeff::...Texas Small Arms 09!!

 

(Audience applauds as Texas Small Arms is presented with her trophy)

 

Texas Small Arms

Wow. I really don't know what to say. You rack up a lot of posts, you think you know people...then, out of the blue, you get an award like this. Just...wow. To my boyfriend, MX: I'd like to thank you for standing beside me during everything. I'd say this award belongs to you, too, but...well. To the people that voted for me: My advice is for you to kiss my ass. Fuckers.

 

(cue audience applause)

 

WORST POSTER VOTING

1. Texas Small Arms 09- 4

2. DJ Jeff- 3

3. Anglesault- 2

4. Cynical Profit- 1

4. alfdogg- 1

4. Jubuki- 1

4. bps21-1

4. Sandman9000- 1

4. Kotzenjunge- 1

4. Midnight Burn- 1

 

(a spotlight dances across the stage, finally settling on bps21, who is on the balcony)

 

bps21

Our next presenters...

 

were more entertaining this year...

 

Than the WWF...

 

Not like that was hard...

 

Fuck you, Vince.

 

Ladies and gentlemen...

 

Cobainwasmurdered and Anglesault.

 

(They descend the spiral staircase, walking through the glass ceiling.)

 

Cobainwasmurdered

A good gimmick is a surefire way to get over.

 

Anglesault

That's right, CWM. A good gimmick can be the difference between glory and obscurity. Gimmicks turned us from a couple of nobodies into a high-profile perpetually-bitching Angle fanboy and a borderline-illiterate gnome fiend.

 

(cue audience laughter)

 

Cobainwasmurdered

This last year was a fruitful one for gimmick posters on The Smart Marks. But who was the cream of the gimmick crop? Let's find out together.

 

Both

And the winner is...Metal Ed!

 

(the audience erupts as Metal Ed takes the stage, drunkenly swinging a half-empty bottle of Heineken.)

 

Metal Ed

Aww, man. I didn't expect nothin like this. I ain't got a speech prepared or nothin. I figure I should thank my ma, since she bailed me out so I could attend this bitchin' shindig. I wanna thank Wanda, the big chick from up to the Wal-Mart, for not pressin' the issue with that baby. I figure it probly ain't mine anyway, on account of it cryin' whenever I crank up some Maiden. Plus, I really don't wanna be takin' no paternity test or nothin. The feds are on my ass, ya know? Lotta people tryin to nail Metal Ed on somethin and I damn sure don't need to be depositin no fluids fer examination. I guess I wanna thank y'all, too. Before this year, I woulda been at home drinkin' Pabst's and shit...crankin some Slayer on my Rock Box, shootin' squirrels, walkin' round in my underwear. Now look at me! Drinkin' goddamn foreign beer out of a green bottle! Wearin' a tuxedo and shit. Y'all did this for me. Y'all made me a big-time, sophisticated type. But there's one dude here tonight that ain't gettin shit from Metal Ed. Goodhelmet, I know you're here. You cut me off on the way here tonight...I sawed ya! You made me spill my beer! I don't appreciate that shit. You gonna be sittin around one day, listenin to the Beatles and thinkin "I bet my skull ain't never gonna be cracked." Then you'll hear "Carry On, Our Wayward Son" in the distance but won't think nothin of it. You'll be thinkin about associating words and your thesis and shit. That's when it'll happen. You'll look off in the distance and see a beautiful mullet fleeing the scene. You'll reach up, touch your head and yell, "My skull! It's been cracked!" And then you'll know that you shouldn't never have fucked with Metal Ed. Thanks.

 

BEST GIMMICK POSTER VOTING RESULTS

 

1. Metal Ed- 12

2. Tim Moysey's Biggest Fan- 2

3. Use Your Illusion- 1

3. EL BRUJO- 1

3. O.J. Hart- 1

3. Guy Stokes- 1

3. Leena- 1

3. Anglesault- 1

3. LL Orti- 1

 

(crowd applauds)

 

Danny Gregory

Boy, that Metal Ed is a character, ain't he? You can't make that stuff up! ::clears throat:: Our next presenters are the most dominant force in the WWE today. Holding down superior talents, writing unentertaining storylines that don't help anybody, and having consistently bad matches; is there anything they can't do? Ladies and gentlemen, Triple H and Stephanie McMahon!

 

(they descend the spiral stairs, arm-in-arm, pointing and laughing at the people below the glass ceiling.)

 

Triple H

You know, Steph, I was looking at my day planner and I have the most hectic schedule today. Posing, spitting water, holding down Jericho, posing, posing, spitting water, posing, holding down RVD, spitting water, saying "uh," posing, holding down Angle, spitting water, handing out the award for Most Annoying Board Trend, posing, spitting out water...I don't know where I'll find the time to hold down Booker.

 

Stephanie

Don't worry, Hunter. I have a lot of stroke around here.

 

Triple H

You have a lot of stroke down there, too.

 

Stephanie

Down where?

 

Triple H

Down HERE! ::crotch chop, poses, spits water::

 

Both

And the award goes to...HHHate!

 

Voice Over

Accepting the award on behalf of the HHHaters is bps21.

 

bps21

Thank you...

 

This award wouldn't be possible...

 

withouth the tireless efforts

 

of triple h and stephanie...

 

In holding down more talented and over wrestlers...

 

by the way, was it just me...

 

or was the applause for you two tonight deafening...

 

It must have been...

 

cause I didn't hear shit...

 

That's pretty clever...

 

I think i'll put it in my sig...

 

(audience applauds)

 

MOST ANNOYING BOARD TREND RESULTS

 

1. HHHATE (-uh, blaming HHH for everything, etc.)- 8

2. What Do You Think Of Me? threads- 5

3. The Establishment- 2

4. Advice threads- 1

4. Fo Sheez- 1

4. One word posts- 1

4. Favorite/Least favorite polls- 1

4. Ban Agnes- 1

4. Feeding the trolls- 1

4. Leaving the board with a long post- 1

4. Banned DDT posters trolling again- 1

4. ~- 1

 

Danny

Boy, that speech from Triple H sure gives you an appreciation for how tough it is to be a main eventer and a locker room leader. Those folks deserve to be fed all the midcarders they can handle, in my opinion. Speaking of midcarders, here's Kurt Angle and O.J. Hart!

 

(they enter stage from opposite sides, meeting at the podium)

 

Kurt Angle

So, O.J. I heard a rumor about you.

 

O.J. Hart

Oh, yeah? What's that, Kurt?

 

Kurt Angle

I heard that you had sex with a girl and stopped to post about it halfway through. I mean, what's that all about? ::smirks, nod, waits for reaction::

 

O.J. Hart

I couldn't resist the temptation. But don't worry, Kurt. I still gave her my own Three Minute Warning!

 

(cue audience laughter)

 

Both

The award for Most Obnoxious Troll goes to...The Brain!

 

Voice Over

The Brain is unable to accept his award, as he's been repeatedly banned from the building.

 

MOST OBNOXIOUS TROLL RESULTS

 

1. The Brain- 12

2. Alina- 2

2. Cutthroat- 2

2. Anglesault- 2

3. N3CRON- 1

3. The Smart Mark- 1

3. bps21- 1

3. Smarkzone- 3

3. Zeke- 1

 

(audience applauds)

 

Danny

Boy, that O.J. Hart is a nut, ain't he? But it's that sort of dedication to posting that makes our board so great. Speaking of making the board great, our next two presenters were the victims of one of the most infamous attacks in board history. Ladies and gentlemen, Avril Lavigne and Punk Princess!

 

(they descend the spiral staircase to the strains of "Complicated")

 

Punk Princess

I've always wanted to ask you something, Avril. Isn't it hard to make it as a female in the male-dominated world of hardcore punk?

 

Avril Lavigne

Not half as hard as it is to make it in the male-dominated world of wrestling message boards. The ladies nominated for this award have had to perservere through cat-calls, awkward come-ons, sexism, jokes about their period...and that's just from The Dames!

 

(cue audience laughter)

 

Punk Princess

But by refusing to be intimidated, these ladies proved that they've got the "balls" to talk wrestling with the boys.

 

Avril Lavigne

But there can only be one winner. Who was the dominant female on the Smart Marks this year? Let's find out.

 

Both

And the winner is...Superfluous TRITEC!

 

Voice Over

TRITEC was unable to make it this evening, as she's on the rag. Crazy bitch.

 

(audience applauds)

 

FEMALE POSTER OF THE YEAR RESULTS

 

1. Superfluous TRITEC- 7

2. Marney- 6

3. Canadian Chick- 3

4. Annie Eclectic- 2

4. Texas Small Arms 09- 2

5. Alina- 1

 

Danny

What a show, huh? And it's not over yet, folks. Our next two presenters have high posts counts. Fitting, because the award they're handing out is for threads that must have been started by someone while they were high. Ladies and gentlemen, Kotzenjunge and Flyboy!

 

(they descend the spiral staircase, arm-in-arm)

 

Kotzenjunge

A lot of terrible threads are started each and every day, Flyboy.

 

Flyboy

Fo sheez. But only a select few of these ascend to heights even DJ Jeff would fear to tread.

 

Kotzenjunge

You ad-libbed that "fo sheez" in there.

 

Flyboy

I thought it would be funny.

 

Kotzenjunge

"Fo sheez" was the punchline. We've got no reason to continue now. We're building to something that they've already heard.

 

Flyboy

Fo sheez.

 

(cue audience laughter)

 

Kotzenjunge

Whatever. Just read the fucking card. ::walks off stage::

 

Flyboy

(shocked) Well...uh. The award goes to...it's a tie! The award for Worst Thread of the Year goes to both "The One and Only Anglesault Thread" and "My Mission to 1000"! Accepting these awards will be Anglesault and DARRYLXWF!

 

(Crowd applauds)

 

Anglesault

::bludgeons DARRYLXWF with trophy, runs off like a thief in the night::

 

DARRYLXWF

::lies in pool of his own blood::

 

(crowd applauds)

 

WORST THREAD OF THE YEAR RESULTS

 

1. One and Only Anglesault Thread- 2

1. My Mission to 1000- 2

2. William Regal Sucks- 1

2. SKBF's What Do You Think Of Me?- 1

2. Any "My # Post" threads- 1

2. Message to Jubuki- 1

2. Word Association Thread- 1

2. Herpes Simplex B- 1

2. This Saturday...- 1

2. Should RobStone be banned?- 1

2. Ask Alina- 1

2. SmartMark's Rant On This Board- 1

 

Danny

Well. That was exciting, huh? This thing just never ends. Our next two presenters are distinguished writers for The Smart Marks. Here's Dr. Tom and EvenflowDDT!

 

(they enter stage from opposite sides, meet at the podium)

 

Dr. Tom

::adjusting tie:: The competition for our next award is steeper than for most, because every Smart Marks writer produces at a high level. The man who wins this award would need to have produced that quality material and have been a ridiculously prolific contributor, wouldn't you say?

 

EvenflowDDT

That's right, Tom. He would...

 

Dr. Tom

(interrupting) Why, I remember one week when I posted eight different pieces. Each one was a work of understated brilliance, if I may be so immodest. And not to veer too far from the prepared lines, but I'd like to invite all of you to a trophy-polishing at my place after the show. Bring your cameras and get a picture of me with my award. You'll cherish it forever.

 

EvenflowDDT

Man, I am so there.

 

::Tom raises fist in victory::

 

Both

And the winner is...Damian Gonzalez!?!

 

(crowd applauds)

 

Dames

Man! I didn't expect this at all. It's great to get some recognition for my work on NWA:TNA recaps, PPV diatribes, and so on. This award belongs to you guys and to my mother. I love you all. And Tom...that offer you made applies to my place, too. Everybody bring your cameras. Dames needs a new avatar.

 

(Dr. Tom is seen striking his open palm with a clenched fist. His eyes appear crazed.)

 

(audience applauds)

 

BEST SMART MARKS WRITER RESULTS

 

1. Dames- 8

2. Dr. Tom- 5

3. Brandon Truitt- 4

4. Retro Rob- 1

4. JHawk- 1

4. Mark Goodhart- 1

4. Patrick Spoon- 1

 

Danny

Dames, everybody! What a guy. So much better than that Dr. Tom. Our next presenters are two of the most powerful men in the WWE. Ladies and gentlemen, Jim Ross and Vince McMahon!

 

(they're carried to the podium by near-nude 350 pound men)

 

Jim Ross

Bah Gawd, Vince! This has been perhaps the most emotional night in Smart Marks history!

 

Vince McMahon

I've only got one thing to say to you smart marks. You wanna second-guess me, my wife, and my daughter? You wanna spend every waking moment criticizing my company and my family? You think you could do a better job? Well, I invite each and every one of you to KISS MY ASS. (he struts off stage.)

 

Jim Ross

Uh...Bah Gawd, folks, Vince McMahon just ran off this stage like a scalded dog. I ain't got a clue what's going on around here. The award for Best Article(s) at The Smart Marks goes to...bah Gawd, NWA:TNA Reports by Damian Gonzalez!

 

(the crowd applauds. a scream of anguish is heard as Dr. Tom attacks Kotzenjunge)

 

Dames

Damn! You guys must love me, I guess. This is a really honor, geting an award like this. I put a lot of work into those reports and...to be honored with my second award of the night is just a great feeling. Thanks to everyone who voted for me and to everyone who reads the site. Tell a friend. Let's make next year even better.

 

(crowd applauds)

 

BEST ARTICLE(s) ON THE SMART MARKS RESULTS

 

1. NWA:TNA Recaps- 4

2. Tough Enough 3 recaps- 3

3. Shoot Interview recaps- 2

4. "My Top 17 Albums"- 1

4. Review: Pinoy Wrestling 1989- 1

4. Raw From JHawk's Beak- 1

4. Velocity:Crucified- 1

4. Dr. Tom's Midweek News- 1

4. "Hail Fellows, Well Met"- 1

4. "9/11: One Year Later"- 1

4. Dr. Tom/CJ SmackDown! trip- 1

4. Crossface after Summerslam- 1

 

Danny

Man, is this ever getting tedious. Let's go ahead and give out these last two awards and end it. All right, the award for Thread of the Year--a prestigious award if there ever was one--goes to two threads, which were tied with a gaudy 4 votes each. The winners are "Newsradio Is Back!" and "This Saturday, I'm Gonna Do It!"

 

(crowd applauds)

 

THREAD OF THE YEAR RESULTS

 

1. Newsradio Is Back!- 4

1. Next Saturday, I'm Gonna Do It!- 4

2. Ask The Dictator- 3

3. OAOAST- 2

3. APO Sucks- 2

4. The Most Useless Poster- 1

4. CWM Goes To War- 1

4. Have You Ever Had A Crush...- 1

4. The Person Above You thread- 1

4. Make Contentious Statements- 1

 

Danny

No speeches necessary. You're proud, we're proud, everyone's happy for you. All right. The award for Poster of Year goes to...Kinetic!!!

 

(crowd erupts in applause. Kinetic is carried to the stage by a group of his adoring fans as the crowd sings "For He's A Jolly Good Fellow.")

 

Danny

How does it feel to be proclaimed Poster of the Year by four of your peers?

 

Kinetic

I can't even begin to describe it. I've never experienced such joy. I feel like O.J. Hart at a birthday party or Kotzenjunge at a Kylie Minogue concert or Dames with his tongue in an ass. It's the greatest feeling in the world.

 

POSTER OF THE YEAR RESULTS

 

1. Kinetic- 4

2. Edwin MacPhisto- 3

3. Incandenza- 2

4. areacode212- 1

4. Bob Barron- 1

4. Big Poppa Popick- 1

4. EL BRUJO- 1

4. Papacita- 1

4. Sassquatch- 1

4. Brian- 1

4. LooseCannon- 1

4. The Man In Blak- 1

4. bps21- 1

4. Dr. Tom- 1

4. Mr. Rant- 1

 

Danny

Congratulations. That's our show, folks. Remember to visit The Smart Marks every day and watch history unfold. I'm Danny Gregory, signing off.

 

(fade out)

 

Thanks to everyone who voted. Especially everyone who voted for me. It's been a pleasure.