Dr. Tom's Smackdown! Report 12/5/02

[Guest TSMAdmin]

WWE SMACKDOWN! 12/5/02

 

Last week, Stephanie McMahon suspended Brock Lesnar, only to be foiled by the evil schemes of a ticket scalper.

 

On tape from Dallas, Texas, this is WWE Smackdown for 5 December 2002. Your hosts are Michael Cole and Taz(z).

 

Opening Match: Rey Mysterio vs. Aaaahlbert (with Canned Heat). Albert? ALBERT? Isn’t it bad enough that he pollutes Velocity every week? Albert pounds Rey to start, but Rey digs into the plucky small guy playbook by dropkicking Albert’s legs. Rey hits a springboard dropkick off the second rope, then a springboard legdrop from the apron for 2. Albert plants Rey with a military press slam and stunguns him for 2. Rey boots Albert on a charge and tries the wheelbarrow bulldog. Albert tries to block it, but Rey bounces off the top rope and does it anyway, for 2. Albert catches a springboard moonsault, but Rey escapes whatever he had planned and dropkicks him in the legs again. Albert ends up in the ropes, so Rey nails him with the 619. He goes for the West Coast Pop, but Albert catches it and turns it into an over-the-shoulder backbreaker, which is good enough for the pin at 2:54. 1/10. After the bell, Albert attacks, eventually whacking Rey in the knee with a chair until Edge chases him off. I know they needed to”injure” Rey so he can have his knee scoped, but couldn’t they have picked someone else to do it?

(Winner: Albert, pinfall via over-the-shoulder backbreaker at 2:54)

 

After the break, NUMBAH ONE Announcer Funaki talks to Bill DeMott, who’s offended that his eleven years in the business have earned him an interview with someone who barely speaks English. He should try applying at a 7-11 sometime. Bill articulates his rage further by tossing Funaki around, and I sense a match later.

 

During the break, Rey was taken to the back by medical personnel, and one “injury” angle was complete.

 

Now that we’ve had a match, it’s time for the talking, as Stephanie joins us on the stage. She talks about sacrifices, and shows clips from Raw, where she returned to the whore wardrobe to lure Scott Steroid to Smackdown. Stephanie says Steiner will be here next week to sign his contract, which means he’ll probably end up on Raw. The crowd boos her proclamation for some reason. Quick, someone change the tape in the heat machine! She sort of apologizes for suspending Brock, and says he’ll be here via satellite later. Well, wasn’t that productive?

 

Jamie Noble (with Nidia) vs. Crash Not-Holly. Noble jumps Crash and neckbreakers him for 2. He pounds away and slams Crash, again for 2. Noble pounds away in the corner, but Crash faceplants him coming off the ropes. A tornado bulldog gets 2, as Nidia puts Noble’s foot on he bottom rope. Crash heads outside, but waits to chase her until after he’s put her in a devastating liplock. Good call there, I’d say. Crash goes thru the ring in his pursuit of Nidia, but Noble stops him by putting the boots to him. He tries for the Tiger Driver, but Crash escapes. They reverse each other’s rollups until Crash turns one into the Styles Clash (aka “Crash Landing”) at 2:11. This is starting to look like Raw with all the uber-brief matches. 2/10

(Winner: Crash, pinfall via Crash Landing at 2:11)

 

Chris Benoit talks about his fatal four-way match for the #1 Contender spot for the Smackdown title, against Edge, Eddy Guerrero, and Kurt Angle. Benoit talks about the sacrifices he’s made over the last seventeen years. If there’s such a thing as “quiet intensity,” then Benoit definitely has it.

 

After the break, Dawn Marie and Torrie Wilson chat, and Dawn confesses a lesbian crush. Dawn slips Torrie her hotel room key into Torrie’s bra, with promises of not marrying her father in exchange for . . . um, services rendered. Y’know, if it’ll keep Mr. Charisma off my TV, I’ll volunteer to go to that hotel room and er. . . negotiate.

 

Funaki vs. Bill DeMott. Bill drop toeholds Funaki and pounds away. An avalanche sets up some INTENSE~! stomping, as Taz rattles off Bill’s bad gimmicks in WCW. Bill worksthe leg and chokes Funaki on the ropes. Funaki manages a jawbreaker and slugs away, but Bill powerslams him off the ropes. The yet-to-be-renamed No Laughing Matter ends another short match at 2:33. Mmmm, yummy SQUASH. The Tough Enough push continues, at least for now. 0.5/10

(Winner: Bill DeMott, pinfall via moonsault at 2:33)

 

Meanwhile, Eddy and Chavo Guerrero confer about their respective title chances tonight.

 

After the break, Brock has joined us “via satellite.” Brock says he’s learned from the mistake of aligning himself with a slug like Paul E. Dangerously. Brock starts talking about The Big Slow when he’s interrupted by Slow and Heyman going to the ring. Paul compares Brock to a petulant child, and said he needed to be spanked by Slow. Hey, if there was spanking going on, I’d just as soon not know about it. Paul keeps the double entendres rolling by saying he and Slow screwed Brock, and they enjoyed it. Whatever happened to “don’t ask, don’t tell?” Heyman did manage to work in one of my favorite phrases (“with malice aforethought”), so I can forgive the rest. Paul hypes the fatal four-way match, and Brock promises to see the resultant title match in person.

 

Tonight’s Raw moment: the night of the final Nitro.

 

Cruiserweight Title: Billy Kidman vs. Chavo Guerrero. Chavo takes Kidman down into a side headlock, which Kidman turns into a hammerlock. They fight over a hiptoss, and Kidman wins the exchange by hitting a legscissors. Chavo dusts off the gutbuster and goes to work on the midsection. He hangs Kidman upside-down in the corner and pounds away. Another gutbuster gets 2. Chavo slaps on an abdominal stretch, making sure to grab the ropes like a good heel. Kidman fights out, and Chavo tries for the Gorry Bomb. Kidman rolls out of that and goes for his clothesline near the ropes, but Chavo counters with a knee to the gut for 2. Chavo pounds away, but Kidman gets in a flurry of offense, with a dropkick, atomic drop, and clothesline. He hits the Death Valley neckbreaker for 2. Chavo rolls him up on a suplex attempt for a very close 2. Kidman tosses Chavo off on a tornado DDT and powerbombs him for 2. Chavo comes out of the corner with a tornado DDT for 2. They fight over the top rope, and both guys end up on the floor. Back in, Kidman goes up, but Chavo slugs him and climbs, too. He goes for a superplex, but Kidman shoves him down. He goes for the Shooting Star Press, but Chavo rolls out of the way. Chavo NAILS the Gorry Bomb, but Kidman is wise enough to get his foot on the rope at 2. He tosses Chavo, who grabs his tag belt, but Kidman rams him on the apron before it can be uses. Kidman brings Chavo back in the hard way and finishes him with the Shooting Star at 7:42. Wow, a match that exceeded three minutes. Solid outing here from both men, allowing Chavo’s psychology to mix with Kidman’s spotfest-oriented style. 6/10

(Winner: Billy Kidman, pinfall via Shooting Star Press at 7:42)

 

Meanwhile, Marc Loyd talks to Edge, who promises to use tonight’s match as an outlet for his aggression toward Albert. Edge spies the hairy-backed one nearby and IT’S ON~! until they get separated by officials.

 

Hip Hop Challenge: Ice Ice Cena (with B-Squared) vs. Rikishi. Taz busts on Cena’s attire, but Rikishi isn’t exactly a fashion plate, either. It’s a rapping contest, as each guy takes his turn trying to freestyle some dope rhymes, yo. Cena shows some rhythm, Rikishi doesn’t, and the whole thing ends in a brawl. Taz and Rikishi clear the ring of the two-man cracker posse and dance for the crowd.

 

Meanwhile, Loyd talks to Angle about the four-way match. Angle says his thoughts are solely on the match, which he insists he’s going win.

 

Right before the main event, Albert chairs Edge in the knee. Wow, an Albert-Edge feud . . . smell the excitement!

 

Main Event, Fatal Four-Way: Edge vs. Eddy Guerrero vs. Chris Benoit vs. Kurt Angle. Edge hobbles out after being taken to the back for evaluation as the match begins. Yay, an immediate commercial break. After the break, Eddy stomps the ever-lovin’ SHIT out of everyone. During the break, Edge got worked over by Benoit and Angle. Edge fights off Eddy, faceplants Benoit, and backdrops Angle. Eddy dropkicks his bad knee for 2. Benoit and Angle work on the knee some more. Eddy rolls Angle up for 2. Benoit works over Edge’s knee while Angle pounds away on Eddy. Eddy tosses Angle, then Benoit clotheslines Eddy out and brings the CHOPPAGE~! to Edge. He goes back to the leg, but Edge faceplants him for 2. Eddy wails away on Edge, and tosses both he and Benoit out. Angle suplexes Eddy for 2, then beats him like a red-headed stepchild who lost her mom’s crack money. Eddy stops that with an eye rake, and returns the beatings, followed by a suplex for 2. Angle busts out the overhead suplex, but Eddy armdrags his way out of the subsequent Olympic Slam. He takes Angle down with a gutwrench suplex, then goes up and Frog Splashes Angle for a very close 2. Benoit takes Eddy over with a German suplex, and hits the Kamikaze headbutt for 2. Edge Impales Benoit for 2. Edge tosses Angle, and Eddy sends Edge out, only to fall prey to a pair of German suplexes. Edge spears Eddy on the third and Benoit tosses him for his impudence at breaking up the trifecta. Benoit puts Eddy in the Crossface, and Eddy taps at 5:26. Angle congratulates Benoit for earning the first elimination by nailing a trio of Germans on him. Edge breaks up the show of sportsmanship by hitting a missile dropkick on Angle for 2. Benoit clips Edge’s leg out from under him. Edge escapes the Olympic Slam and hits the Edge-O-Matic, forcing Benoit to save at 2. Benoit puts Edge in the Crossface, but Angle breaks it up and puts Benoit in the Anglelock. Benoit kicks out of it, bumping the ref in the process. Eddy grabs his tag belt and waylays Benoit with it, only to take a spear from Edge. Edge turns around and spears Benoit, which gets 3 at 9:42. Guerrero and Benoit have been eliminated now. Angle puts an immediate Anglelock on Edge. Considering Edge took the chairshots – and all the subsequent abuse to reinforce the injury – to his right leg, I fail to see why Angle puts the submission hold on the left. Edge rolls thru it, sending Angle to the outside. Angle drags him out and slams his head into the steps. Time for another commercial break. Back from the break, Angle pounds the hell out of Edge, who had bladed in the interim. Angle clotheslines Edge for 2, and suplexes him for 2. Angle chokes Edge on the ropes, but Edge finds his second wind with some mad chops. Edge lifts his boot on a charge, but walks right into Angle’s overhead suplex. Angle goes to the chinlock, forcing Edge to fight out. Edge hits an overhead suplex of his own, leaving both men down. That’s a great way to bring the fans into a match like this, as they count along with the ref. Edge controls a brawl and clotheslines Angle down. The Edge-O-Matic gets 2. Angle hits a pair of Germans, but Edge rolls him up on the third one, again for 2. Spear gets about 2.75. They reverse each other’s finishers until Edge finally gets the Impaler, for 2.9. The crowd is DYING at these near falls. Edge goes up, and Angle tries to bring him down with the running superplex. Edge shoves him down, though, and comes down with a missile dropkick, again getting about 2.9. Angle kicks Edge on a spear try and Olympic Slams him for a close 2. This match has heated up big time after that second commercial. Angle goes to the Anglelock, which Edge writhes in for a moment before reversing to a rollup for 2. Angle takes him down with a drop toehold and goes right back to the Anglelock. Edge tries to kick out of it, but Angle maintains the hold. Edge struggles for the ropes and finally reaches them. Angle won’t let go of his leg, so Edge enzuigiris him. Edge steals the Olympic Slam, for 2.9 again. He goes up, but Angle is the quicker this time, bringing him down with a top-rope Olympic Slam for the win at 22:46. This match was good throughout, but it clearly ramped up several notches following that second commercial. All of the near falls contributed to a very hot closing few minutes. Primo stuff all around here. 9/10

(Winner: Kurt Angle, pinfall via top-rope Olympic Slam at 22:46. (1st Elimination: Eddy submits to Benoit’s Crossface at 5:26; 2nd Elimintation: Edge spears Benoit for the pinfall at 9:42))

 

After the bell, The Big Slow reminds Angle who the champ is with a chokeslam. Well, that’s nice to see after Angle just fought thru the previous match. Considering that Kurt’s following Rey under the scope, is there anyone who thinks he’s actually going to win in ten days? I’d love to see him beat Slow and feud over the belt with Brock until Mania, but I doubt his knee will let that happen.

 

Elsewhere, Torrie sashays into the hotel room, and fights against her revulsion to stick around. I guess only Raw can do HLA. Shame.

 

The Breakdown:

 

The Good: The main event deserves all the superlatives it will get, as four of the Smackdown Six dragged this show, kicking and screaming the whole time, into above-average territory. Kidman and Chavo also put on an entertaining match for the cruiser strap.

 

The Bad: Getting 22 minutes in the main event is always welcome, but did the first three matches all have to check in at under 3:00 to make that happen? Something else couldn’t have been trimmed or cut entirely, like Stephanie’s useless speech?

 

The Ugly: Albert, listen to the fans and shave your back. The heat you’re drawing for it is purely of the X-Pac variety.

 

Overall: Awesome main events can cover the multitude of sins, and this was one of those nights. The show pretty much sucked until the cruiserweight match, but it was excellent after that. The Jekyll portion was Smackdown at its finest, while the Hyde half was eerily reminiscent of Raw. They’re back on the right track after last week, which is a good sign. If the first hour is even average, this is one hell of a show, but it sucked, so this show will have to settle for being something above ordinary. 6/10

 

Dr. Tom

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