Guest TSMAdmin Report post Posted December 19, 2002 Hey yo. Before I dive into this week’s episode of Heat, I urge all you video game fans to check out my Smackdown 4: Shut Your Mouth Review. Anyway, onto this week’s episode of Heat. The pyro goes off... and it’s time for this week’s edition of WWE Heat! Your hosts are Jonathan Coachman and... Tony Schiavone? What the fuck? Oh well, he’s an improvement over Lita. At least he doesn’t make my ears bleed. Here comes The Hurricane to start things off. Poor Hurricane... once a promising Cruiserweight, now stuck on the Heat opener. Schiavone: IT’S SUGAR SHANE! His opponent is Justin... no... ALDO MONTOYA! Yes, you heard it right folks, YELLOW JOCK STRAP and all, Aldo Montoya is back. Schiavone: IT'S STING! IT'S STING! Whoops, we're out of time, see you next week! Coach: The show just started, Tony. This should be an... interesting match. Match One: The Hurricane vs. Aldo Montoya, the Portugese Man O’ War Hurricane looks confused, as he’s never seen a super villain quite as evil as the Portugese man O’ War. Aldo uses this to his advantage as he takes Hurricane down with a Flying Head Scissors. Tony Schiavone: SIDEWALK SLAM! It’s pretty pathetic when Coach knows more moves than the other guy sitting in the boot. The ref, LITTLE NAYTCH separates the two, and they tie up. Hurricane backs Aldo into the corner, and gives him a few stiff chops, followed by a powerbomb. Aldo shakes it off though, because he has the power of the Portugese Man O’ War. Aldo hits a nice dropkick on Hurricane. Schiavone: FLYING LEG KICK! Coach: Let me just say, I have never been in the presence of a man who knew so much about this industry. Hurricane kips up, and hits the Shining Wizard out of nowhere. Montoya kicks out at 1. Hurricane looks frustrated, so he sets Montoya up for the... VERTEBREAKER! Tony Schiavone: FLAMING SPANDEX! HOLY SHINTO! Montoya totally no sells the Vertebreaker, and crotch chops The Hurricane for good measure. Montoya slides out of the ring... and grabs a big pane of glass! Why, it looks like a glass ceiling! Hurricane climbs to the top rope.... and tries for a cross body, but Montoya holds the glass ceiling up, and Hurricane bounces right off of it! Montoya covers Hurricane with one foot, and picks up the 3 count. Montoya gets on the mic and says, “THAT ONE WAS FOR YOU, HUNTER!” ** for creative use of the glass ceiling. Spike Dudley vs. Johnny Stamboli is the main event for tonight. Commercial Break time! And... we’re back, with a RAW Recap. RAW Recap: Shawn Michaels mentions HHH’s name in a promo They didn’t show any of Shawn’s promo from Monday, except for when Shawn asked how Hunter felt watching this at home. As always, check out RAW from JHawk’s Beak for more on this. Here comes Raven, to cut another awe-inspiring promo. “This week, I am to reveal my masterpiece, a 20th century piece of conceptual art.” Raven pulls the cover off of a big piece of canvas, to reveal his “masterpiece.” Raven yells "OOOOOOOOOOOOH YEAH!" and mumbles something about how he hates Hulk Hogan. Well, that was better than I expected. RAW Retro: HHH’s return in January of this year. They showed this clip in its entirety, even though all it involved was HHH standing around for about 20 minutes. D’Lo vs. Jacqueline is next, after these commercials. Match Two: D’Lo Brown vs. Jacqueline Jacqueline... is there a more useless member of the RAW roster? Well, probably, but you get the point. D’Lo comes out to a MASSIVE pop from the D’Lo nation. They tie up to start, and Jacqueline backs D’Lo into the corner. Jacqueline hits a TORNADO DDT! Schiavone: SPINEBUSTER! Holy shit, here’s the cover. 1...2...3! Jacqueline picks up the win in record time, and D’Lo’s massive downpush despite being the most over guy on Heat continues. He might as well be wearing a turban again. DUD More commercials follow. The HHH Desire Video is shown, because he wasn’t on RAW last week, so there aren’t any more things containing HHH to recap from RAW. Here’s Stamboli to cut a promo, with Terri. “Johnny as you know, Spike Dudley” *Heat TV Screen falls over* “FUCK IT!” Stamboli is visibly pissed, and as Spike Dudley walks out to cut Stamboli up, Stamboli pulls out an AK-47 and shoots him in the face. I guess we have no main event for tonight. Hmm, I don’t know why they didn’t cut this from the show, as it’s pre-taped. I guess they figure that no one watches this crap. They must be right, because they have yet to receive a complaint from MTV, the PTC or any other organization like that, or anyone on the net. I guess that segment explains why D-Von and Bubba were so excited to see Spike last night on RAW, as they must have assumed he was dead. Cut to commercial. Well, there’s still 10 minutes left in the show, the main event has been cancelled, and there is no more HHH-y goodness to fill up the last 10 minutes of the show from. Tony Schiavone walks down the aisle, and slides into the ring. “Tonight fans, is the greatest night in the history of this great sport. What you don’t realize is that tonight is also the greatest night in the history of my life. Never before have I met a person so special to me, a person with as vast a wrestling knowledge as I have. I’m talking about my new commentating partner, Jonathan Coachman. Jonathan, I love you.” “WHAT?! I’m not gay, Schiavone, Come on, I flirt with all the WWE Divas!” “We all know that’s just an act, Coach.” *Coach blushes* “The question is, Coach...” Lita runs down to the ring! She attacks Schiavone with a “hurricanranna,” if you want to call it that. Schiavone shrugs it off, and Lita grabs the mic. Everyone in the arena frantically looks for the exits. Lita bitches about Schiavone stealing her precious Heat commentating spot. Schiavone replied, “YOU WANT A PIECE OF THIS?” Lita fired back, “I don’t want a piece... I WANT THE WHOLE THING,” a la Bob Barker in Happy Gilmore. We have our new main event folks! Main Event: Lita vs. Tony Schiavone Tie-up to start, Lita hits a hurricanranna. Schiavone is visibly shaken. Lita hits a move vaguely resembling a dropkick, and goes for the cover. 1...2..KICKOUT! Lita whips Schiavone into the corner and hits him with some stiff chops. Lita goes to work stomping away on Schiavone on the floor, followed by a move that sort of looked like a sleeperhold. Schiavone powers out, but Lita uses her quickness to her advantage and takes Schiavone down with a “flying head scissors.” Schiavone springs to his feet, but Lita once again takes advantage of her quickness and gets Schiavone in a front facelock. OH NO! Twist of Fate! Lita hops onto the top rope... and hits a move that I guess was supposed to be a moonsault! 1..2..KICKOUT BY SCHIAVONE! HOLY SHIT, SCHIAVONE JUST KICKED OUT OF LITA’S FINISHER! Lita punches Schiavone, but Tony shakes it off. She punches him again, but he shakes it off again. One more time, and this time Tony waves a finger at Lita, and HULKS UP! He yells “HULK HOGAN, YOU CAN GO TO HELL,” and sets Lita up for the... you guessed it... SIDEWALK SLAM! THE ARENA SHOOK ON THAT ONE! 1...2..3! TONY SCHIAVONE IS THE WINNER! *****, Match of the Year Candidate Schiavone gets back on the mic, sweaty and breathing hard, and asks Coach to marry him. Coach takes a few seconds to null it over, but eventually says yes, and the two announce gods embrace in a sweaty man hug in the middle of the ring, followed by a big sloppy kiss. Well, if Smackdown has had two crappy wedding angles this year, then why shouldn’t RAW have at least one, even crappier one? Bottom Line: Your typical episode of WWE Heat, I think. Peter "FakeRazor" Ramoncolor> As always, you can reach me here. whacked Out wrestling Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
