ET CETERA: I'm a Survivor

[Guest TSMAdmin]

WWF BOOKING MEETING

 

Saturday 23rd November (Survivor Series Eve)

 

 

 

Present at the meeting: Vince McMahon (Vince), Stephanie McMahon (Steph), Triple H (HGH), Jim Ross (JR), Paul Heyman (Paul E), Brian Gerwitz (Gerwitz).

 

 

 

 

 

Vince:

So, tomorrow’s the Survivor Series, ratings are down, and the company’s in the shitter. I think it’s clear what has to be done…

 

 

 

JR:

By GAWD, Vince, please don’t say Montreal.

 

 

 

Vince: That’s exactly right JR MONTREAL.

 

 

 

Steph: My dad’s right the Montreal angle is the single most revolutionary angle in the history of sports entertainment, and I think it’s equally clear that only ONE MAN deserves to go over: My husband, Triple H!

 

 

 

JR: Um, Steph, he’s not really your husband we dropped that angle over a year ago, remember?

 

 

 

Steph: Angle?

 

 

 

HGH: Shut the hell up Ross-uh. That little jobroni may have a couple of medals, but I… AM… THE GAME… and I’m… going… over!

 

 

 

JR: Why do you talk like that?

 

 

 

HGH: I’ve already put over Jeff Hardy, Rob Van Dam AND Chris Jericho this year, not to mention young guys like Taker and Kane. So IT’S MY… TIME!

 

 

 

Vince: Actually Hunter, I was thinking that maybe someone else should go over this time.

 

 

 

Steph: WHAT?

 

HGH: WHAT?

 

 

 

Vince: Clearly, the brand extension has provided new opportunities for fresh new storylines and exciting new stars to emerge.

 

 

 

Paul E: THAT’S RIGHT McMAHON THE BRAND EXTENSION IS EXTREEEEEEEME, AND NO-ONE’S MORE EXTREME THAN MR. MONDAY NIGHT, THE WHOLE F’N SHOW, ROB VAN DAM!

 

 

 

JR: Why do you talk so loudly?

 

 

 

Paul E: BECAUSE I’M, EXTREEEEEEEEEME, JUST LIKE ROB VAN DAM, MR. PPV, WHO IS THE ONLY MAN WHO DESERVES TO HOLD THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP!

 

 

 

HGH: Why don’t you shut up Heyman, if anyone’s gonna win more belts around here, it’s gonna be ME, THE GAYYYYYYYY-MUH!

 

 

 

Paul E: NO, I WILL NOT SHUT UP, BECAUSE YOU DON’T DESERVE TO BE WORLD CHAMPION! WHAT HAVE YOU EVER DONE IN THIS BUSINESS? ALL YOU DID WAS RIDE THE COATTAILS OF SHAWN MICHAELS, PUTTING ON SHITTY MATCHES AND STINKING UP THE RING FOR SIX YEARS BEFORE YOU FINALLY FIGURED OUT HOW TO WRESTLE IN 2001. THEN YOU FUCK YOUR WAY INTO STAYING ON TOP OF THE CARD AND YOU CAN’T EVEN DRAW!

 

 

 

HGH: What, like your boy RVD drew all those people in the bingo hall?

 

 

 

Paul E: ROB VAN DAM WAS KICKING CHAIRS AND BREAKING TABLES WHILE YOU WERE USING THE KNEE AND LIGHTING UP THE RING IN SLOP BUCKET MATCHES! AND IF YOU WERE EVEN HALF THE DRAW YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOU’D HAVE BEEN IN WCW WITH YOUR BUDDIES HALL AND NASH! WHEN ERIC BISCHOFF DOESN’T EVEN WANT YOU, YOU KNOW YOU’RE IN TROUBLE!

 

 

 

HGH: At least I’ve got hair, you piece of crap!

 

 

 

Vince: Cool your jets, both of you. Now Paul, don’t worry, we’ve got big plans for RVD down the line.

 

 

 

Paul E: EXTREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEME!

 

 

 

 

Vince: Yes, quite. Now Hunter --

 

 

 

HGH: You will call me… THE GAME-UH!

 

 

 

Vince: Okay, um, THE GAME-UH, you don’t have to worry either. Now, we’ve got plans to make a whole bunch of new belts for you, and we can even award you a couple of belts that haven’t been around for a while. Given your obvious physical prowess gained since you started on the ICO-PRO programme…

 

 

 

HGH: ICO-what?

 

 

 

Vince: We thought you might like to win the old WBF Title.

 

 

 

HGH: What the hell’s the WBF?

 

 

 

Vince: Well, being as I’m a modern-day entrepreneur like Ted Turn…uh, I mean, Rupert Murdoch, and being as I’m not at all a one-dimensional carny huckster who can’t ever escape the wrestling business, I’ve had a long history of diversifying revenue streams with innovative ideas and concepts…

 

 

 

JR: Like the XFL.

 

 

 

Vince: Just like the XFL. And Smack!Down Records.

 

 

 

Paul E: AND DON’T FORGET WWF NEW YORK!

 

 

 

HGH: Hey, wait a minute Vince all of those ideas really sucked a lot of dick, didn’t they?

 

 

 

Vince: Hey why don’t you shut up, clique boy? Just because you’re fucking my daughter doesn’t mean you’re in charge around here, got it?

 

 

 

HGH: Actually Vince, it kinda does.

 

 

 

Vince: FUCK YOU! You know who the last guy was who fucked my daughter to keep his spot?

 

 

 

Steph: Oh no, PLEASE DAD don’t tell him…

 

 

 

HGH: What the hell? Who Vince, WHO?

 

 

 

Vince: HULK HOGAN, DAMMIT!

 

 

 

JR: Good Gawd almighty! Hogan! Hogan! Hogan! Have mercy on this young man’s SOUL!

 

 

 

Paul E: EXTREEEEEEEEEEEEEEME!

 

 

 

Steph: Oh dad, how could you?

 

 

 

HGH: How could YOU, Steph? Just because he put 150,000 asses in seats at the SilverDome, doesn’t make him any more of a man than me, does it?

 

 

 

Vince: That’s right Triple H, little Steph-baby was the first Hulkamaniac there ever was, and look where Hogan is now! He’s on Hollywood Squares, dammit, trying to pretend like he’s still somebody! But he’s nothing without me! He couldn’t have put 300,000 asses in the SilverDome if it weren’t for me! McMAHONMANIA IS RUNNIN’ WILD, AND THERE’S NOTHIN’ YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT, SO UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO CUT OFF YOUR SUPPLY OF ICO-PRO, YOU CAN SHUT UP AND DO WHAT I TELL YOU!

 

 

 

JR: So, who do you think should go over, Vince?

 

 

 

Vince: Well, dammit, Shawn Michaels has got his big comeback, and since it’s Survivor Series, and we’re gonna do the Montreal angle, everyone’s gonna expect Shawn to come out on top.

 

 

 

HGH: You know Vince, I’ve already put Shawn over once this year…

 

 

 

Vince: That’s why we’re gonna SWERVE the fans! Those dickheads on the internet won’t know what hit them!

 

 

 

JR: So who’s it gonna be, Kane? Booker T?

 

 

 

Paul E: HOW ABOUT THE WHOLE F’N SHOW ROB VAN DAM?

 

 

 

Steph: How about my husband, the game, Triple H!

 

 

 

Vince: No… there’s only ONE MAN who should hold win the title. THE PHENOM! THE UNDERTAKER!

 

 

 

HGH: You know Vince, that’s great and all, but I don’t think he’s a real tippy-top guy, and I don’t think I wanna put him over again.

 

 

 

Vince: We’re gonna give you two or three more titles, don’t you worry about that. You can even have one of the inaugural XFL championship rings! You’ll be the only champion in Sports Entertainment history to wear a championship RING instead of a belt!

 

 

 

HGH: What’s the XFL?

 

 

 

Vince: But putting the strap on the Undertaker is really just a ploy to launch a REVOLUTIONARY NEW ANGLE!

 

 

 

Steph: How about another nWo angle I heard Scott Hall finally found a babysitter?

 

 

 

Paul E: HOW ABOUT WE HIRE ONITA AND TERRY FUNK AND HAVE AN EXPLODING TABLES TIMEBOMB SINGAPORE CANE STAIRWAY TO HELL TIMEBOMB CHAIRSHOT EXTREEEEEEME DEATHMATCH IN THE BINGO HALL?

 

 

 

JR: How about we put two guys in a wrestling ring and just let them wrestle for twenty minutes?

 

 

 

Vince: How DARE you sully this company’s good name by using that word, you frozen-faced, Southern piece of shit! I NEVER want to hear that word again! From now on, it’s to be called a “Sports Entertainment ring”, and two “Sports Entertainers” will get in it to “Sports Entertain”! You got it?

 

 

 

JR: Whatever. After all my time here, I can shill any shit you want.

 

 

 

Vince: Good, because after the overwhelming success of the Katie Vick angle, we’re taking things down to an all new low! We’ve had necrophilia, now it’s time for incest!

 

 

 

Paul E: INCEST IS ONE THING MY FRIEND, BUT IN EXTREEEEEEME CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING, WE WERE CUTTING EDGE LONG BEFORE YOU GUYS HAD PEOPLE FUCKING EACH OTHER’S CORPSES. LESBIANS IS WHERE IT’S AT! LET’S HIRE BEULAH McGILLICUTTY AND SOME MORE ASIAN CHICKS AND HAVE US SOME EXTREEEEEEEEEEEME HLA!

 

 

 

Gerwitz: Hey, that was MY idea, you bald son of a bitch.

 

 

 

Paul E: ACTUALLY, IT WAS VINCE RUSSO’S IDEA, AND ALL YOU’VE EVER DONE IS RECYCLE A BUNCH OF HIS HALF-ASSED ANGLES THAT WERE SECOND RATE BEFORE THEY GOT THEIR FIRST RUN! ALL ANGLES SHOULD BEGIN AND END WITH TERRY FUNK, BECAUSE HE’S EXTREEEEEEEEEEME!

 

 

 

Gerwitz: Shut the fuck up and go back to your mom’s house, you bankrupt mother fucker!

 

 

 

Vince: Yeah, fuck off Heyman, what have YOU done while Brian’s been revolutionising the RAW brand? Sure, you may have been booking the guys in some of the best, most fast-paced matches in recent memory, and giving the fans Match of The Year candidates every week, but over on RAW, Brian’s been giving us men fucking corpses! And now, we’re taking things one step further!

 

 

 

Gerwitz: That’s right Vince. The Undertaker will win the title, and then he’ll feud with his own brother Kane!

 

 

 

JR: Actually, it’s Through Hell, Fire and Brimstone, The Big Red Machine, Kane!

 

 

 

Gerwitz: Exactly. You thought Triple H fucking a body was hardcore? You ain’t seen nothing until you seen two seven foot guys fucking each other in a wrest-- um, I mean, Sports Entertainment ring!

 

 

 

JR: Good Gawd almighty!

 

 

 

Vince: So Triple H, if you want to bullshit your way into the angle, you better have a couple of brothers we can put on RAW.

 

 

 

HGH: Vince, I don’t mind telling you that I’m not a fan of faggots, but if it means the main event, I’ll fuck another guy no problem jeez, I fucked Steph, didn’t I?

 

 

 

Steph: You bastard! Hulk’s dick is WAY bigger than yours.

 

 

 

HGH: Sticks and stones.

 

 

 

Steph: AND SO IS CHYNA’S!

 

 

 

HGH: You take that back, you little slut! Katie Vick was a better screw than you ever were!

 

 

 

JR: So Vince, what about the “Elimination Chamber” itself? And what are we gonna do about the rest of the card?

 

 

 

Vince: Actually, I’ve been thinking about that Jim. Since we never book the matches until the last minute, and since nobody buys our PPVs any more anyway, nobody will really notice either way. So I figured we can solve both problems in one: The Elimination Chamber will be a brand new, even more demonic incarnation of the HELL IN A CELL MATCH!

 

 

 

Gerwitz: What, like the Dog Kennel From Hell?

 

 

 

Vince: EXACTLY like the Dog Kennel From Hell, Brian. In fact, it’s going to be a Dog Kennel From Hell Royal Rumble!

 

 

 

Paul E: WITH TABLES!

 

 

 

Vince: Yes, with tables!

 

 

 

Paul E: WITH FLAMING TABLES!

 

 

 

Vince: Um, okay, with flaming tables!

 

 

 

Paul E: EXTREEEEEEEEEEEEME!

 

 

 

JR: Uh, okay, I’ve shilled worse. How about the other matches on the card?

 

 

 

Vince: Well, to save us having to book them, and to save the fans having to worry about them because everything’s shades of grey, and we don’t want to insult our fans’ intelligence with good guys vs. bad guys we’re going to have all the matches in the Dog Kennel From Hell with Flaming Tables AT THE SAME TIME!

 

 

 

Gerwitz: That’s even better than David Arquette!

 

 

 

Vince: Thank you, Brian. Now, it’s a big day tomorrow, so everybody get some rest, and I’ll see you at the arena at 5 o’clock. Except you Hunter, we’ll talk ways of putting you over later while you fuck Steph.

 

 

 

(AFTER THE MEETING, WHEN EVERYBODY HAS GONE)

 

 

 

Vince: Well Paul, that went pretty well.

 

 

 

Paul E: THAT WAS EXTREEEEEEME! IT COULDN’T HAVE GONE ANY BETTER! YOU’RE A GENIUS YOU COULD’VE BOOKED FOR ECW!

 

 

 

Vince: I’m smarter than those damn McMahons, anyway.

 

 

 

(Pulls off face, Mission Impossible 2-style)

 

 

 

Eazy E: They want to run ME out of the business? The WWF is on a THREE… MINUTE… WARNING!

 

 

 

Paul E: THE ALLIANCE WILL WIN!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(To be continued…)

 

 

 

Jay Spree