WWE Velocity: CRUCIFIED~!

[Guest TSMAdmin]

WWE Velocity: CRUCIFIED~! Saturday, December 14, 2002

by "Crucifixio Jones"

 

In the DVD Player: Street Fighter II V: Volume 2

In the CD Player: Raekwon the Chef - Only Built 4 Cuban Linx

In Winamp3: Various clips from 8th Street Latinas (they be the bomb, yo; see hot, young and brown latinas that will do absolutely anything to get their citizenship!)

On the tube: Anything but the WWE Armageddon Pay-Per-View; I think someone's watching the Anna Nicole X-Mas Special (X-Pac and Chyna are at her party and this is where X-Pac did WOL from, for your wrestling-related tie-in)

 

I GET TEH MAIL !!!

 

Hey man,

Don't know if ya heard, but Paul London is a great indy talent out of Ring of Honor. I think that right now, HE should be in that cruiserweight division whoopin some ass. I know I'd love it. And I know somehow, you would, too. Nice column, as per usual.

 

Tim Livingston

www.411wrestling.com/smarks-TheSmarks

 

Thanks for the kind words and info, Tim. I knew there was some reason London was looking so good out there. If you liked that showing, you're gonna love tonight's show. Being that the only wrestling I watch nowadays is tapes of Smackdown! and Velocity, I certainly appreciate the heads-up and my three other fans probably didn't know who London was either. Thanks for letting us know. He deserved some recognition and maybe now someone out there will hunt down some ROH tapes from somewheres.

 

We're less than 24 hours away from Armageddon and I still don't care. I remember there was a time when the question to ask me would've been what WWF PPV's had I NOT ordered that year. Nowadays, I can't remember which ones I HAVE ordered, it's so rare. OK, that's a lie. It's easy. SummerSlam was the last one. And probably the last good PPV WWE put on.

 

- Your hosts this week are Ernest "The Cat" Miller and Tough Enough 1's, Josh Matthews. No more Michael Cole and Marc Loyd? You mean I'm gonna have to retire my old Cock & Load joke? Forget it, it was never that funny anyway. But I'll be taking suggestions for names for this new announce team.

 

What is it with WWE taking all of these guys who WANT to wrestle and grooming them to be announcers? Far be it from them to actually go out and pursue guys who have actually been to school and/or trained to be a broadcaster and have an interest in pro wrestling. I know there has got to be some out there. More people than just Jim Ross and Mike Teney can call a wrestling match, I'm sure.

 

 

Matt Hardy Version 1.0 vs. Shawn Evans

 

Matt facts: Matt's favorite band is Pearl Jam. Matt was always on the honor roll.

 

Ungrateful fans chant "We Want Jeff" while Matt works a headlock. What the f*ck??? We Want Jeff? Why? For what? He doesn't give a crap about wrestling anymore, he probably wouldn't even be aware that the fans were there and he'd likely half-connect with perhaps ONE spot before getting another undeserved win and skipping to the back to blow Vince or Patterson like he's obviously been doing as of late to get this mystery push he's been receiving. You're gonna tell me these fans want a skinny rave kid dripping with hair dye and glow stick innards instead of MATTITUDE~!??? The world is coming to an end, I swear to God.

 

'member when Austin and HHH beat the crap outta the Hardy's and Lita? God, I enjoyed that. It's number two on my list of Austin's All-Time Best Beatdowns. His punking of Michael Cole rests firmly at number one, where I figure it will NEVER be dethroned unless WWE hires some other nancy-boy commentator that I loathe. If you don't have the WHAT? DVD you should buy it for that segment alone. Worth every penny.

 

Irish whip by Evans is reversed and Matt uses Evans' momentum against him and tosses him over the top rope. If this were 1985 and Matt was in the NWA, he would've been automatically disqualified. No, seriously. Back inside, Matt drapes Evans over the second rope, runs and jumps on the back of his neck. I miss the way Austin used to do that with such reckless abandon. Matt gives Evans Snake Eyes on the top rope and follows that up with a Side Effect-like sideslam for 2. Matt sits Evans on the top rope, but Evans manages to elbow Matt down. Flying Crossbody gets a 2-count for Evans. Evans gets a tornado DDT on Matt which Matthews lets us know is called the Shockwave by Evans. Already he's making more of an effort than Loyd and Cole, I'll give him that and he's got a better voice. Evans attempts to whip Matt but Matt reverses that into the REAL Side Effect which sets up his second-rope legdrop. Evans rises and stumbles into the Twist of Fate for the 1-2-3.

 

- Still to Come: Cruiserweight Champion Billy Kidman vs. Tag Team Champion Chavo Guerrero. May I be the first to say PUSH ALBERT TO THE MOON if this is gonna be the end result.

 

- Back from commericial we recap the backstage talk between Kurt Angle and Brock Lesnar: A Brock Lesnar autograph session was interrupted by Kurt Angle. Angle offers to get Brock’s suspension lifted if Brock will be in his corner against The Big Slow Sunday at Armageddon. Since Brock has been assured of not getting a title shot from Slow, Angle offers him first crack at the belt. Brock says he’ll think about it, if Kurt can get the suspension lifted. - Dr. Tom

 

Remember when Angle didn't need help to win the WWE Title? Like when he was a face and feuded with a heel Austin?

 

- We now recap Tough Enough III. Now call me crazy, but instead of bitching about Jamie, I think those guys need to be lining up to CUT that. Forget all that "she burps too much" jazz. Booty is booty and I don't see any other chicks in that house. Nine weeks is a long time and that's the edge I'd be looking for. But that' just me; one man talking here.

 

 

Chuck Palumbo vs. Johnny Slaughter

 

Any relation to SGT. Slaughter? Lockup to start and Palumbo asserts his dominance and shows his superior strength and size by tossing Slaughter like a rag doll halfway across the ring. Loooooooooooong stalling suplex by Palumbo which the WWE production team wants me to believe that the crowd is actually impressed with. Palumbo goes for a scoop slam but Slaughter slips out and stuns Palumbo with a quick closed fist. He makes the mistake of celebrating, however, so Palumbo shows him what a REAL punch is. Two hard irish whips to the corners punish Slaughter's back. Palumbo charges and misses, giving Slaughter the opportunity to give him two dropkicks to the left knee and a chop block for good measure. Palumbo sells the knee for all of two limps before ignoring it completely to give Slaughter a belly-to-belly out of nowhere. Again, if this were 1985 and Palumbo's name were Magnum T.A., that've been your finish. Palumbo with two jabs and the DISCUS PUNCH~! but he doesn't go for the cover. High back body drop by Palumbo. Palumbo, lunkhead he is, charges again and meets Slaughter's boot. Slaughter goes to the top rope and comes off only to be caught and powerbombed by Palumbo. Palumbo lifts Slaughter for Powerbomb #2 but Slaughter slips out so Palumbo gives him an overhead belly-to-belly. Chuck starts slapping his thigh and somewhere Shawn Michaels is seething -- a LOUD Jungle Kick ends it for Palumbo.

 

- LUGZ Boot of the Week: SD! 2 weeks ago Big Show ambushed and chokeslammed Kurt Angle after Angle's win over Edge (and Chris Benoit and Eddy Guerrero) in a Fatal Four-Way match for the Number One Contendership to Show's WWE Title. It's funny how I considered this title to be THE title in WWE to own (as opposed to HHH's oversized vanity plate) until Big Show got his hands on it.

 

- Recap: Heyman (with faux Burberry scarf) and Big Show bitch to Stephanie McMounds. Later that night, Kurt Angle & Edge (who were opponents just last week) take on Big Show & Albert. I hate this fuzzy face/heel stuff on SD! I don't know what Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit are supposed to be anymore. Color me confuzzled. Slow knees him in the gut and suplexes him for 2. A-Train works the wrong leg in the corner (they’d been working on the left so far, then Train suddenly went after the right), but Edge hammers away and gets a tornado DDT out of the corner. Slow and Angle are in, and Angle dropkicks Slow’s knee. He pounds away on the kneeling Slow, but A-Train breaks it up. A-Train misses a charge, and Angle kills him with a trfecta of German suplexes. Slow boots Angle ans powerbombs him, but turns around into a missle dropkick from Edge. Edge tries to batter Slow down, but Slow tosses him off to the side. Edge is resourceful enough to turn that into a spear on A-Train. Slow crotches himself trying a big boot, and Edge climbs again. This time, A-Train whacks him in the (wrong) knee with a chair. Slow beats on Angle and whips A-Train into him in the corner. Angle jawbreakers Slow, then steps aside, allowing the hollering A-Train to avalanche his own partner. Olympic Slam for A-Train, and Angle tries the same on Slow . . . and he gets it! That’s impressive, but I think it also cheapens Brock’s F5. Lesnar was put over as freakishly strong for getting Slow up for the F5, so what does that say about the sixty-pounds-lighter Angle? Anglelock, but Heyman distracts Angle into breaking it, and Slow ends the match with a chokeslam at 11:20. - Dr. Tom

 

 

Funaki vs C.G. Afi

 

OMG Tony Mamaluke from E-C-W. What in the hell kinda name is CG Afi, though? WWE has cornered the market on bad ring names, I swear. Lockup to start, Mamaluke gets a headlock which Funaki pushes out of but gets shoulderblocked by Mamaluke. Irish whip by Mamaluke but Funaki stops short of the corner and leaps off with a crossbody but is met by a Mamaluke dropkick. Side Russian Legsweep by Mamaluke. Kneebreaker by Mamaluke. OMG DRAGON SCREW legwhip by Mamaluke! From here Mamaluke grabs a leglock I've never even seen before that The Cat simply calls "a knot". Har. Funaki makes the ropes to break the hold. Mamaluke grabs Funaki's leg and gets an enziguiri for his effort. Funaki with a bulldog and a dropkick to the face. I STILL miss TAKA. Sitout facefirst powerbomb by Funaki. Funaki charges Mamaluke in the corner, but Mamaluke gets a hold of either Funaki's eyes or hair. Funaki combats this with a jawbreaker and ends this affair with Splash Mountain. Awesome little match and easily better than anything I've seen on a RAW in a while. Especially considering I haven't even WATCHED RAW in a while. HA! I kill me.

 

- A Rundown of the Armageddon card. I swear it looks as if this card was put together by the N64 No Mercy simulator or something. That's the only way you can explain matches like Edge vs. Albert and Big Show vs. Angle for the WWE title. As lame as it is, I'd rather see that latter match than the HBK vs HHH LADDER match and if you told me that I'd be typing those words two years ago, I would've likely slapped the piss out of you. My how things change.

 

WWE Rewind: SD! Last Thursday - Tio Eddy and Sobrino Chavito beat Billy Kidman and Chris Benoit. I guess we see now who the weak link in Gods, Inc really was.

 

 

Chavo Guerrero vs. Billy Kidman

 

Lockup to start and neither man gives an inch. Another lockup and the two exchange go-behinds until Chavo takes down Kidman with a headlock and grabs an armbar. Back to his feet, Chavo snapmares Kidman. Kidman retaliates with two armdrags and Chavo takes a powder. Kidman follows him to the outside. Chavo rolls in and Kidman launches himself into the ring, giving Chavo some flying headscissors action on the way in. Chavo drop toeholds Kidman into the second turnbuckle and the two exchange blows. Snake eyes by Chavo and a dropkick to the face get him 2. Chavo with a stiff European uppercut and a HIGH back suplex for another 2-count. After a few stomps and a scoop slam, Chavo grabs a reverse chinlock. Kidman fights out but his rally is ended with a knee to the gut. Chavo covers for 2. Chavo then unleashes some IMPOVERISHED LATINO DISCONTENT in the corner. Kidman fights back and nails Chavo with an awesome dropkick. A back elbow and back body drop by Kidman. A Kidman clothesline gets 2.

 

You know, after watching the Holyfield/Byrd fight tonight, it just occured to me that The Cat sounds a lot like George Foreman on commentary.

 

Kidman gets some SEN. TRENT LOTT-LIKE WHITE SUPREMECIST violence on Chavo. Chavo slips out of a back suplex attempt and actually POWERBOMBS Kidman for 2. Chavo can't believe he kicked out. I can't believe Chavo just powerbombed Kidman. Mark this date on your calendar, kids. Billy counters a Chavo scoop slam attempt with a quick rollup for 2. Enziguiri by Kidman and he drags Chavo to the far corner to set up the Shooting Star Press. Chavo, exhibiting heel ESP, distracts the referee and here's UNCLE EDDY~! (ON VELOCITY~!) to push Kidman from his perch. Chavo covers Kidman and puts his feet on the ropes for leverage. Damn the Guerreros are awesome. Eddy, hiding just below the ring apron, counts along with the referee and prepares to celebrate. Kidman kicks out and Eddy and Chavo, of course, can't believe it. Irish whip by Chavo but Kidman spies Eddy and baseball slide/dropkicks him. He then turns and Rydeen Bombs Chavo but Eddy runs in for the DQ before Chavo can lose. The two proceed to give Kidman an EQUESTRIAN beatdown before CHRIS BENOIT~! (OMG ON VELOCITY~!) makes the save. Benoit deals out German Suplexes all around before the heels retreat and the faces celebrate.

 

Man, keep Albert on Smackdown for all I care.

 

 

"Crucifixio Jones"