Metal Ed talks to Santa Claus

[Guest Kinetic]

Just in time for the holiday season, Metal Ed decided to get in touch with jolly old St. Nick online. Some may find their conversation disturbing. Few will find it amusing. Why, you might ask, is Metal Ed using my screen name? The world may never know...

 

TSMKinetic: Hey, dude.

SantaClaus: Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! I'm here on AOL! :-) Everything we talk about here is between you and me! If you want to know more, you can type "privacy".

So, have you been naughty or nice?

 

TSMKinetic: Aside from that shit with the big chick from up to the IHOP keyin my Trans and the skull-crackin that resulted, I been pretty nice. Ain't spent too many nights in jail, I guess.

SantaClaus: Why don't you tell me a little about yourself instead? How old are you?

 

TSMKinetic: Metal Ed is 26, man.

SantaClaus: ;-) O.K. so... to tell me what you want for Christmas, just type, "Ask Santa" and click the "Send" button. :-)

 

TSMKinetic: Ask Santa to give me Night Ranger's second album, a new cassette cleaner for my Rock Box, and a subscription to "Chub."

SantaClaus: Goodness, that's too much for me to read. I'm talking to so may children and their parents. Could you ask me something a little shorter?

 

TSMKinetic: A midget.

SantaClaus: Pardon me?

 

TSMKinetic: A Filipino midget slave.

SantaClaus: Hmm. Why don't you type, "hear music", maybe some music will put you in the Christmas spirit :-)

 

 

TSMKinetic: I don't need no goddamn Christmas music, dude. That shit don't do nothin for Metal Ed. Ain't never heard Slayer do "Silent Night" or nothin like that.

SantaClaus: Would you mind trying to keep you questions to one sentence. I've got the entire world to visit and I'm running out of time. :-D

 

TSMKinetic: You ain't gettin on Metal Ed's good side with this shit. I'm a be waitin at my chimney with a baseball bat for yer fat ass, dude.

SantaClaus: Oh, my. That is a mouthful. I'm so busy typing to so many children, could you send me a slightly smaller note?

 

TSMKinetic: I'm gonna crack your skull, man!

SantaClaus: I'm sad but not broken. I just know that there is so much goodness in people -- and this is the time of the year to let it show.

 

TSMKinetic: I guess yer probly right, dude. If you get me that Night Ranger album, we'll call it even.

SantaClaus: Now, now... That's simply just too much for elves and me to understand in one go. Could you try asking something a little shorter?

 

TSMKinetic: Could I get one of them elves, then? I been lookin for a little dude to pick up my beer bottles and shit.

SantaClaus: I've got a billion children to keep track of -- so could you ask me something a bit more manageable? I'd very much appreciate it.

 

TSMKinetic: A Night Ranger album. "Chub." A midget slave.

SantaClaus: O.K. now, the folks at AOL are trying to help me out but I just cannot make any sense of that. Tell you what, type, "To Do". Christmas spirit in 10 easy steps.

 

TSMKinetic: I ain't followin you, man. Toto was pretty bitchin, though.

SantaClaus: Now, that's not necessary. Just have a little patience and ask me another way.

 

TSMKinetic: I WANT A NIGHT RANGER ALBUM, A SUBSCRIPTION TO "CHUB," AND A FILIPINO MIDGET SLAVE.

SantaClaus: Whoa! Ho! Ho! slow down there! That's quite a lot for a man of my age to wrap his head around. Would you mind trying some shorter questions?

 

TSMKinetic: You sure you can read, dude?

SantaClaus: I'm sorry, I missed that. The elves are just overrunning me with questions. And speaking of elves, I'm sure they wouldn't mind if you asked me about them.

 

TSMKinetic: Is it true that elves are disproportionately well-hung?

SantaClaus: Remember to be good; you never know when an elf is around!

 

TSMKinetic: Cuz he'll attack you with his massive dong?

SantaClaus: Well, I won't argue with you on that.

 

TSMKinetic: Are there female elves? Or is this strictly a Rob Halford scene?

SantaClaus: The elves help me keep track of who's naughty and who's nice. I'm sure you are being nice!

 

TSMKinetic: I'm fixin to crack your skull if you don't give me some straight answers, dude.

SantaClaus: My goodness! =-O Do you really now? Well, you can always type, 'Ask Santa' and I'll be happy to listen to all of your wishes!

 

TSMKinetic: I wish Motley Crue was still together.

SantaClaus: Is that all, now? ;-) Type, 'Ask Santa' and tell me all of your wishes!

 

TSMKinetic: You ain't gonna sic one of them big-dicked elves on me, is ya?

SantaClaus: Here's something you should know about elves; they call a couple of times a year and check in to see how you're doing.

 

TSMKinetic: I ain't got a phone or nothin.

SantaClaus: Ah -- you've got me again. Why don't you type "To Do", it's time to get you in the holiday spirit!

 

TSMKinetic: Nah. I'm sick of this shit.

SantaClaus: I'm only asking you to ask me another way. No need to get so testy.

 

TSMKinetic: Huh. Testy.

SantaClaus: Oh dear. Maybe I should send one of the elves over to lend you a hand? ;-)

Actually, if you try typing 'home' I think I can get this back on track.

 

TSMKinetic: Uh...no thanks. Not even them elves could handle all of Metal Ed.

SantaClaus: All of the elves have been very busy helping me get ready for Christmas. I don't know what I'd do without them.

 

TSMKinetic: You're a sick dude, man.

SantaClaus: Alright now. I'm here to spread Christmas cheer -- so use this time wisely and type carefully. ;-) Here's quick way to get in the Christmas spirit; type, "To Do".

 

TSMKinetic: Later, dude.

SantaClaus: Merry, merry Christmas to you!

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

Slayer might not have done Silent Night, but they did cover Inna Gadda Da Vida.

[Guest SP-1]

Rock on, Metal Ed.

 

Rock on.

[Guest Vern Gagne]

*Holds Lighter over Head*

[Guest subliminal_animal]

Who's Metal Ed? Is that the Titanium Man's new name?