A MODEST ADVERTISING PROPOSAL

[Guest Frank Zappa Mask]

Morning all.  I came across something quite interesting in Agenda, a liberal/arts newspaper from the wonderful city of Ann Arbor.  Being a film student, one comes to understand the power of the image.  It is the image that often shapes our perceptions and thoughts upon the world.  No one is immune from this; you would have to be horribly naive or ignorant to think you aren't affected by the mass of information you recieve daily from the television, Internet, or the newspapers.  All this information, and the ability to recieve it, is not bad in and of itself.  One must be able to realize what an image is supposed to be doing, or what it's purpose is.  As much as the image shapes the human mind, the human mind can shape the image right back if you are in control of your mind, and you can understand and perceive things in a manner that is truer to your self, rather than being shaped without question...

 

In any case, check this out.  Try to think about it.  Don't write this off because of your "patriotic" duty.  Anyone familiar with theories of film montage will also find this interesting.....

 

A MODEST ADVERTISING PROPOSAL

John R. Velner

 

Forget about those ridiculous Super Bowl anti-drug ads going for millions of dollars a minute-ALL at taxpayer expense.

 

<<If I may, those commercials are the worst thing I've seen in this country in recent times.  When Allen Ginsburg said that drug addicts in America are like Jews in Nazi Germany, this is what he means>>

 

Instead, how about.....A tattered Uncle Sam settles down at a small table in a flop-house room.  He reaches into a paper sack and slowly, with a heavy sigh and noticeable effort, pulls out a quart of oil and sets it down on the scarred tabletop.  Leering at the object of his desire Uncle Sam finds strength enough to quickly slip an oil spout into the top of the can in obvious anticipation.  Next he rolls up an old copy of the oil depletion allowance agreement and wraps it around his arm.  The camera comes in for a close-up as Uncle Sam focuses on his last vein, fiddling at first then slamming the spout deep.  Panning back, Sam flexes his fist and soon his face relaxes as the petrochemical drug begins to course through his veins bringing temporary relief....(START OF MONTAGE) Cut to video shot of efficient 40's American rail transport; cut to scene of suburban family life; cut to freeway gridlock and polluted skylines; cut to 70's OPEC meeting and skyrocketing gas pump signs; cut to President Carter in a sweater then cut to photo-ops of Presidents Reagan, Bush1, Clinton, and Bush2; cut to SUV commercial; cut to Saddam Hussein meeting with a smiling US Ambassador to Iraq April Glaspie; cut to Persian Gulf War footage; cut to Gulf War vets and family members in hospital beds; cut to Declaration of Independence; cut to royalty of Kuwait and Saudi Arabia; cut to poor in Arab ghettoes; cut to Middle East US military bases; cut to the World Trade Center towers as the planes crash (END OF MONTAGE)....Uncle Sam turns to the camera and says: "I thought I was just getting high energy.  I didn't know I was supporting terrorists."  Bring-up voice-over: "Paid for the Partnership for an Oil-Free America"

[Guest fk teale]

Thanks for the intro to semiotics lecture, or whatever that was.  Images convey meaning.  Wow.  A real eye-opener.

 

Can you possibly post something in this forum that isn't about shitting all over the United States for a change?

[Guest Frank Zappa Mask]

You percieve I'm "shitting on the United States".  I tell you to think about what I posted and not post a knee-jerk, "patriotic" response, and that's what I get.  Consider yourself lucky I'm even bothering to respond to you...

 

I love America.  Very deeply.  My America is the one of Walt Whitman.  A land where people are truly free.  Not chained in by a bunch of slick, oil-crats who want us all to sit deaf, blind, and dumb in front of the television screen.  I cannot possibly explain to you my political leanings as I truly know them; you would have to enter my head and see things the way I see them.  It's purely subjective.  I don't post the things I do because I want to look down on all I see.  I post them because I might hope people would think about the discussion that goes on here.  All you need to do is think.  When you post the way you did, you aren't thinking.  You're just reacting exactly how "they" want you to react.  Read a book, grow up, and then get back to me.

 

WHERE'S THE MIKE SC???  I NEED MULTIPLE PARAGRAPH RESPONSES!!!!!!!

[Guest Vern Gagne]

 "My America is the one of Walt Whitman. "

 

Walt Whitman was alive during slavery and the Civil War.I understand what you're saying but things where alot worse.

 

The ad idea, would bring shock value but I don't have a problem with drilling in Alaska. The U.S. is to dependent on Mideast Oil, with all the support and money the U.S. gives these countries we should either get the oil free, look for alternatives or drill in Alaska.

[Guest fk teale]

YES SIR I CONSIDER MYSELF PROFOUNDLY BLESSED THANK YOU SIR FOR CONDESCENDING TO REPLY TO ME.

 

Also, thank you for explaining my own reaction to me, because I don't understand the nuances of my own thought processes until I have them filtered back to me through the anti-establishment bias of some liberal arts film fucko who thinks it's edgy to criticize big business and quote cop killers.  Jesus, could you be more arrogant?  Almost every one of these topics you've started is prefaced with something like "please try to think about this objectively" or "set aside your preconceptions and really consider this for a change;" the tacit assumption being that none of us are really giving critical thought to the issue unless we're seeing things the same way you and your hippie idols do.  Like your logic is so PRISTINE and UNASSAILABLE that all you have to do is borrow a quotation from one of your third rate socialist lice farms, present it to us with a sage wink and nod, advise us all to think long and hard and then prance off to FAIRYLAND to bask in self-contentment while the INEVITABLE TRUTH penetrates our THICK, WAGE-SLAVE SKULLS.

 

Okay, here goes, I'm thinking critically about what you posted:

 

You're an idiot.

 

BLUH FLUH CORPORATIONS ARE EVIL DURR FLURR RACIST IMPERIALIST HEGEMONY AND OTHER SOCIALIST CATCHPHRASES.  IN RELATED NEWS: DIALECTICAL MATERIALISM AND SALTY HOT HORSE COCKS

 

Does that pretty much sum it up?  The world as we know it is just the superstructure that has been pulled over our eyes to keep us from discovering the truth of the base OMG THE MATRIX IS REAL!!!@  You're regurgitating the same pinko propaganda circulating every liberal college campus across North America, and it's not revolutionary, it's common and shopworn: big business bad, redistribution of wealth good, MASSIVE MEAT PISTON IN MY TAN ONE CYLINDER OH SO VERY MUCH BETTER.  There's a reason we're not falling at your feet for descending from your blue-veined ivory tower and distributing these pearl necklaces of wisdom, and it isn't because we're BLIND CAPITALIST SHEEP tranquilized by our televisions.  It's because we've painstakingly analyzed your arguments and decided, independent of any brainwashing by THE MAN, that you're completely goofy.  We did this back when the arguments were new, and being expounded by their original authors.  If you're going to jerk off in our faces, you could at least have the courtesy to use your own fucking dick.

 

I got the mock advertisement, okay?  I didn't need empty generalizations like "slick oil-crats" to clarify, it was fucking crystalline the first time.   Here is what it was not:

 

A) Funny.

B) Insightful.

C) Heterosexual.

 

 

<<You percieve I'm "shitting on the United States". I tell you to think about what I posted and not post a knee-jerk, "patriotic" response, and that's what I get. [...] I love America. >>

 

I must've misunderstood the part about Uncle Sam being a drug addict and America bringing the 9-11 attacks on itself, then.  That was actually quite complimentary of the United States, was it?  TIP: expressions of sympathy over the attacks and love for the nation will be a lot more convincing if you're not simultaneously saying BY GOD WE FUCKING DESERVED IT and posting a slew of largely irrelevant pseudofacts that purport to prove why.  

 

I perceive you're shitting on the country BECAUSE YOU ARE.  Constantly.  In every one of these posts.  The real America, anyways; I can't speak with any authority about the idealized Platonic form of America you've distilled from 19th century poetry and your Rage Against The Machine albums.  

 

See also: the part where you compare America to Nazi Germany in its treatment of drug addicts; or rather, the part where you paraphrase Allen Ginsburg's comparison, because again, you don't seem to have an original thought in your head.  And speaking of whom, this is where you're getting your ideological ammunition?  A pot addled cock smoker who scraped together just enough presence of mind to immortalize his paranoid acid fugues in free verse?  Great.  I'm bowled RIGHT THE FUCK over.  Do you have any conception of how insulting it is to anyone who survived the holocaust, not to mention the memories of the dead, to compare the jailing of drug addicts to an attempted genocide which claimed six million lives?  You child.  You absolute infant.  You're calling your mom Hitler because she won't let you borrow the family car.

 

<<WHERE'S THE MIKE SC??? I NEED MULTIPLE PARAGRAPH RESPONSES!!!!!!! >>

 

In the last couple of threads you've mostly ignored the irrefutable points he's made against you in favor of latching on to the least salient aspect of his argument and hammering it into the ground.  Eagerly awaiting more of the same.

[Guest hardyz1]

Best. Post. Ever.

[Guest Frank Zappa Mask]

Jesus H Christ, someone needs to relax. Thanks for that, though.  Reading it, I felt like I was in therapy......

[Guest kkktookmybabyaway]

My 2-cents RE the above-mentioned ad ... did nothing for me, sorry.

 

An immediate question I have regarding the anti-Big Oil crusade is that do you think enough viewers would be able to comprehend the montage and it's meanings?

 

And don't think about airing this piece in election season, because if campaign-finance reform passes, this ad won't see the light of day two months before election day.

 

I wish fk teale's last post would be made into a commercial...

[Guest fk teale]

<<Jesus H Christ, someone needs to relax. Thanks for that, though.  Reading it, I felt like I was in therapy......>>

 

I give you your multi-paragraph reply, and that's the best you can come back with?  "HEY RELAX GUY CHILL OUT LOL"?  Dazzling vindication, longhair.  I totally withdraw my criticism.  Except for the part about you being evasive, patronizing, and ideologically bankrupt, I mean.

 

Maybe the problem is that I haven't murdered enough policemen to gain your full respect and attention?

[Guest J*ingus]

Hey, watch it, I used to have long hair.  Not anymore, it started falling out faster, but it was once as such.

[Guest Frank Zappa Mask]

Teals, you're one of those chaps who comes to these message boards to make yourself look good arguing.  What do you expect me to do?  Waste 20 minutes of my day reversing every insult in your childish post? I've long since moved past trying to flaunt my dick in these forums, and I was hoping a decent discussion might come up around what I posted, but no, I guess you just want to name-call.  These forums really are like a grade-school playground sometimes....

 

And I have short hair too, Mr Assumptions. (And Jingus, I feel your pain)

 

"Let me take ya, take ya to the movies

Let me take ya, take ya to the show"-"Houses of the Holy" Led Zeppelin

[Guest Tha Cunnysmythe]

MISTER FK TEALE.

 

You rule. That was possibly the greatest post I have ever seen. Get thee to this thread here at WDI, where your excellence is recognised and lauded. It's too bad you don't post there.

[Guest Frank Zappa Mask]

How pathetic is that thread!?  I feel low even acknowledging it exists. All of you need to get a life.........

 

BAN ME!!  I'M ALREADY BANNED!!!

[Guest TheMikeSC]

Wow. How did I miss THIS gem? Anyway, here we go:

 

<<You percieve I'm "shitting on the United States".  I tell you to think about what I posted and not post a knee-jerk, "patriotic" response, and that's what I get.  Consider yourself lucky I'm even bothering to respond to you...>>

 

 

Again with the whole disagreement must be borne of being a knee-jerk patriot crap? Do you realize that your criticism of the U.S has long been even MORE irrational than the defenses of the U.S that you so loathe are?

 

 

<<I love America.  Very deeply.>>

 

 

Of course, in an Ike and Tina kind of way...

 

 

<<My America is the one of Walt Whitman.  A land where people are truly free.>>

 

 

Hmm, freedom has DECLINED since the 19th Century?

 

I'm sure this is news to blacks.

 

Well, outside of Jackson and Sharpton, anyway.

 

Also seem to remember factory workers basically being owned (not far removed from slavery) by factory owners---but hey, better than the unspeakable evil of having oil companies doing---well, whatever the heck it is that they do to apparently run my life.

 

 

<<Not chained in by a bunch of slick, oil-crats who want us all to sit deaf, blind, and dumb in front of the television screen.>>

 

 

Oh come on---they want you out there DRIVING!

 

 

<<I cannot possibly explain to you my political leanings as I truly know them;>>

 

 

Umm, to the left?

 

Whew, solving life's dilemmas is such hard work.

 

 

<<you would have to enter my head and see things the way I see them.  It's purely subjective.  I don't post the things I do because I want to look down on all I see.  I post them because I might hope people would think about the discussion that goes on here.  All you need to do is think.  When you post the way you did, you aren't thinking.  You're just reacting exactly how "they" want you to react.>>

 

 

Who is "they"? The liberal media? The military-industrial complex? The Free Masons? The New World Order?

 

Come on, Nash has his fingers in EVERYTHING people.

 

 

<<Read a book, grow up, and then get back to me.>>

 

 

I've read books. I've grown up. I still think you're incorrect in almost every conceivable category.

 

 

<<WHERE'S THE MIKE SC???  I NEED MULTIPLE PARAGRAPH RESPONSES!!!!!!!>>

 

 

Better late than never.

                         -=Mike

[Guest Vyce]

fk teale.....Christ man, I wish that I had known you back in some of my political science classes a few years back.  

 

That was maybe the best post I've ever read on this site.

[Guest]

PLASTIC PEOPLE.....OH BABY .....YOURE SUCH A DRAG

[Guest Tha Cunnysmythe]

How pathetic is that thread!?  I feel low even acknowledging it exists. All of you need to get a life.........

 

BAN ME!!  I'M ALREADY BANNED!!!

 

Do you know why you're banned? Because you act foolarseish and create posts like this that are just BEGGING to be shat on by a diarrhoea-stricken warthog. How can you talk about how pitiful that thread is when you're posting in a pitiful abortion of a thread now, where you've been slapped and assraped by the very people you condescend to? FK Teale is your goddamn mentor. And we at WDI recognise this, and thus praise him and piss on you. We'd ban you too, but we already did. And why are you telling us to get a life? Aren't you also posting on a messageboard? Aren't you eating the dicks of socialist evangelists? I laugh at that. Get back to thy hole.

[Guest Frank Zappa Mask]

<<You percieve I'm "shitting on the United States".  I tell you to think about what I posted and not post a knee-jerk, "patriotic" response, and that's what I get.  Consider yourself lucky I'm even bothering to respond to you...>>

 

 

Again with the whole disagreement must be borne of being a knee-jerk patriot crap? Do you realize that your criticism of the U.S has long been even MORE irrational than the defenses of the U.S that you so loathe are?>>

 

-Mike, it's pretty clear we find each other quite irrational.  This is fine, because you take the time to write out thoughtful responses that do tear apart my points sometimes.  My problem is with the people who can't get past "America is great, and if you don't like it, then leave."  I've said this before, and I'm going to say it again.  America should never be a country where one opinion, and one opinion alone dominates.  Of course, we can all agree that terrorism is unacceptable, but everytime I try to force an issue or a discussion that looks upon our OWN role in the terrible state of world affairs today, I get shot down and written off as some "socialist hippee", which I only am on every third Thursday.  I want discussion in this forum, not a bunch of one-sentence replies telling me to go live in Cuba. Americans have a bit of a reputation worldwide for being "stupid" and "apathetic" towards the affairs of the world.  A lot of the replies I find here just prove that point. (Of course, the very idea of intelligent political discussion at a pro wrestling forum is kind of idiotic in the first place)  

 

<<I love America.  Very deeply.

 

 

Of course, in an Ike and Tina kind of way...>>

 

-HAHA~!  "Big wheel keep on turning, Proud Mary keep on burning"

 

<<My America is the one of Walt Whitman.  A land where people are truly free.

 

 

Hmm, freedom has DECLINED since the 19th Century?

 

I'm sure this is news to blacks.>>

 

-Not entirely my point.  What I meant was Whitman's vision of what America should be.  He saw a spiritual, free wilderness meant for the people of America to truly find themselves, without interference from such things as big government and big bureaucracy.  It's the kind if idealistic vision I can go for in today's world of constant information, 80% of which is entirely useless and designed to take money from you.  When I see Whitman's vision, and I see what we have made of ourselves in many cases, I wish a giant asteroid would hit....

 

<<I cannot possibly explain to you my political leanings as I truly know them;

 

 

Umm, to the left?

 

Whew, solving life's dilemmas is such hard work.>>

 

-Thanks.  I feel better about myself too now.

 

<<you would have to enter my head and see things the way I see them.  It's purely subjective.>>

 

-Words to live by, Mike.  Everyone looks at things differently, which is why it might be impossible for everyone to ever agree on one thing or ideal.  If you could see into my head, you would see exactly where I'm coming from, or you might go insane.  In any case, it's better this way.  Everyone having the same opinions is too Orwellian for me......

 

 

 

<<PLASTIC PEOPLE.....OH BABY .....YOURE SUCH A DRAG>>

 

-Amen, brother......

[Guest]

Just a bump. This deserves to be widely read; I've never seen a funnier or more devastating flame in my life.

[Guest J*ingus]

FK Teale also writes a wrestling column (sporadically) at my own site powerwithchoice.com, under the name Mastermind.

[Guest Frank Zappa Mask]

I now have FK Teale trapped in my basement (right next to Elvis and Jimmy Hoffa), where he is being forced to watch "The Best of Kevin and Dave Sullivan" in an endless loop for 72 hours, after which he will be tarred-and-feathered seventeen times, and then air-dropped over the jungles of Peru, where..............well, only God knows what will happen to him next.

 

Lesson: don't mess.......

[Guest]

Shut you jackass. He tore your ass into so many peices you couldnt even respond. But its not like you even could, being that hes thousands of tiems more reasonable than you.

 

FK Teale also writes a wrestling column (sporadically) at my own site powerwithchoice.com, under the name Mastermind.

How old is he? Do you know?

[Guest Frank Zappa Mask]

<<<Shut you jackass. He tore your ass into so many peices you couldnt even respond. But its not like you even could, being that hes thousands of tiems more reasonable than you.>>>

 

-I love all these fourth-graders, although "shut you jackass" has me laughing on the inside.......

[Guest One Bad Apple]

It might be a good idea to refrain from condescending anyone ... I mean, at least until you decide to defend the completely asinine statements you made above.

[Guest fk teale]

LOL GUESS YOU SHOWED ME

 

What did I expect you to do, you ask?  Pretty much exactly what you did, which is to cheer I WIN I WIN I'M SO MATURE YAY FOR ME and then stick your fingers in your ears while trying to hum louder than everyone giggling at you behind cupped hands.  These forums are like a schoolyard playground?  Fair enough, but I'm not the one crying sticks and stones.  Nor am I the big slack pussy claiming the moral high ground in order to post an utterly flaccid victory roll that was, need I say, as ironic as it was unwarranted.  URF URF FK TEALE IS SO JUVENILE AND HEY GUYS HE'S BEING TORTURED IN MY BASEMENT AND SOME CRAP ABOUT PERU?  OOH BURN!  Uh.  Yeah.  Chalk one up for your side.

 

Jesus.

 

You insist you're above waving your rhetorical meat prong on message boards, and that's fine.  I like to think the same is true of myself - if for no other reason, and maybe you'll agree with me here, than that syntactic virtuosity devoid of an actual point isn't much worth the reading.  After all, the most engaging arguments are based in truth and provable insight, not simply in insults.  So look, maybe things have gotten a little out of hand here, and it certainly wasn't my intention to engage in a silly spat of name-calling just to be confrontational or what have you.  Instead, and if you've followed along thus far then please believe me when I say this: I sincerely, maturely, and on rational objective grounds, find you to be a mothercunnypunching horror of an overflowing diaper whose ability to avoid getting stabbed in the ass and throat and eyes by everyone who knows him has me, frankly, in a sort of religious awe.

 

So let's go through it once more, since my cock metaphors apparently had the same distracting effect on you as PLAY PARTY AT MCDONALD'S TOMORROW BRING YOUR BIBS AND TRAINING PANTS does on the chromosomally divergent?  Only it's the next morning and you still haven't settled down and when the orderlies ask if you made the icky muffins in your bed again it's all HAMBURGLER TOLD ME TO and MY HOO HOO IS STANDING UP and again, some fucking thing about skydiving in Peru??  Which is where the analogy begins to break down, because even garnishing as it does that cream swirled stinkpudding of a mistakepost, "Lesson: don't mess!" is just too fantastically gay and retarded to be believed.

 

You're a bad teen cliché.  Which is not to say I think you're in your teens, so you can kindly spare us another "shattering assumptions about the totally relevant length of my hair (ROTATING MY BALLS WITH MOM'S PROSHIATSU)" post, but rather that you've somehow survived into adulthood with every cringe-inducing atom of adolescent pretension and ignorance intact.  Hint: your precious and unique insight into world affairs is neither unique nor precious, unless you take the latter in the "aww, baby's first potty" sense of the word.  TV makes us passive tools of the free market system?  You got that idea from TV.  Big oil companies control the presidency?  Congratulations.  You're a fucking Tonight Show monologue.

 

Which would not be entirely unforgivable if you were at least able to make a post on your own instead of checking in with the politburo for the latest party dispatch.  On that note, when we can sum up your contribution to this board with REDISTRIBUTION NOT RETRIBUTION, it's less than convincing for you to whine about how wonderfully abstruse your ideals are, and how the working man will never know your secret sorrow.  We know who you are, and no one is impressed by your bumper stumper, COMRADE-1.  You're parading around a regurgitated red abortion of a world view with all the excitement of a toddler who just graduated to big kid pants, but just because you holler WALT WHITMAN WALT WHITMAN instead of I MADE HOT DOGS AND LEMONADE IN THE TOILET, don't expect us to rouse ourselves beyond a mild THAT'S NICE CUPCAKE while we inwardly cringe at the thought of the horrid ass disaster awaiting our inspection.  You're disgusting.  And pardon me if I eschew the jokiness and whatnot for a minute here, because I'm not seeing anything funny in how you make your professed sorrow over the victims of September 11 a footnote to your social justice agenda.  Or in your apparent approbation of a man who stood over a wounded policeman and shot him in the face.  I say again: you're disgusting.

 

And then when I call you on all of the above, your immediate reaction is to take your bat and ball and run home.  

 

While calling me childish?

 

...

 

 

PS. SONG LYRICS ARE NOT AN ARGUMENT

[Guest Some Guy]

May I add that fk teale is the FUCKING MAN!!!

You have respounded in this thread in a far more intelligant and funny manner than I ever could have, I bow before you.

[Guest]

THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL. But what's a proshiatsu?

 

<<<Shut you jackass. He tore your ass into so many peices you couldnt even respond. But its not like you even could, being that hes thousands of tiems more reasonable than you.>>>

 

-I love all these fourth-graders, although "shut you jackass" has me laughing on the inside.......

It was a typo. If you didnt realize that then youre a bigger fucking tool than I thought.

[Guest fk teale]

A pro shiatsu is an automated massage device that resembles a pair of small animals squirming rhythmically under a taut cloth.  I don't remember the knobs in the commercial I saw being quite so big as the ones on that page, so apparently our little shiatsu has had some upgrades/become a woman in the interim.

[Guest RevEvil]

 If you're going to jerk off in our faces, you could at least have the courtesy to use your own fucking dick.

wtf?

[Guest Flyboy]

May I add that fk teale is the FUCKING MAN!!!

You have respounded in this thread in a far more intelligant and funny manner than I ever could have, I bow before you.

I second that.