Wrestlemania IX

[Guest bob_barron]

Wrestlemania IX

 

Live from Las Vegas, NV. Your hosts are JR, Brain and Savage

 

The atmosphere is very cool. Gorilla (wearing a toga) introduces JR (also wearing a toga) who hypes the night. Finkus Maximus introduces Caesar-n-Cleopatra. Macho comes out on a sedan carried by people. Brain comes out on a camel. He falls off and is all pissed off.

 

Shawn Michaels (w/Luna Vachon) v. Tatanka (w/Sensational Sherri) for the WWF Intercontinental Title

 

THE STORYLINE- Tatanka pinned HBK in a non-title match and in a six man tag match. He also is friends with Sherri b/c of the feud HBK and Sherri were having over HBK pushing her in front of a mirror Marty Jannetty was going to smash over his head.

 

THE MATCH-I believe this is Luna’s debut. HBK takes him down but Tatanka reverses. Again- same result. Lockup- they exchange hammerlocks. HBK gets a wristlock but Tatanka powers up and shoves him down. Lockup- HBK gets a headlock and rolls on top-2. Tatanka counters with bacdrop suplex and misses a blind charge when HBK flies out of the way. Tatanka comes back and kicks his ass HBK bumps around for him and falls outside. Sherri and Luna argue. HBK tries to get back in and Tatanka nails him. Eyepoke by HBK and he rams him into turnbuckle. Top-rope sunset flip-2. HBK gains control but Tatanka is able to get atomic drop. Tatanka chops away and gets a DDT. Tatanka works on the shoulder. Is Savage on crack? HBK clotheslines him but hurts his shoulder and Tatanka works on the shoulder. HBK backs him into corner and hammers away. HBK misses blind charge and hits steel. Tatanka works him over- HBK tries to come back but eats shoulderbreaker. Elbow, top-rope chop. He goes for another but gets superkicked. HBK chucks him out and Sherri and Luna get into a spat. Brawl on the outside. HBK comes from the apron with a chop and he kicks him.  Back in- swinging neckbreaker gets two. Dropkick-2 and HBK goes for chinlock. Tatanka breaks but HBK jabs him. Modified head roll gets two and he jabs him. He goes for victory roll but gets slammed down. He covers for two. HBK comes back but Tatanka soon feels the spirit of Geronimo, Sitting Bull and Tecumseh and no-sells all. Chops for everyone. He almost takes his head off with lariat and hits top-rope crossbody for two. HBK gets slingshotted and rolled up for two. Papoose to Go but HBK reverses with roll-up for two. HBK goes up top but gets powerslammed down for two. Tatanka gets thrown out and crowd chants ‘Sherri’. HBK flies out after him but misses. HBK pulls the ref out. Tatanka hits Papoose to Go and HBK is counted out. Match had no pace- either slow as nails or really fast. The fast parts were good. **1/4 Post-match Luna beats the shit out of Sherri.

 

WHERE ARE THEY NOW- Retired, Tatanka works occasionally.

 

Mean Gene is with The Steiners.  

 

The Steiners v. The Headshrinkers (w/Afa)

 

THE STORYLINE- I don’t believe there was one.

 

THE MATCH-JR says slobberknocker and smash mouth wrestling. Scott and Fatu start- Scott gets a takedown-2 and an armbar. Fatu comes back but gets armdragged. Shoving match, slugfest-Scot wins and hits a clothesline. Fat thumbs his eye and they throw Steiners out. Steiners hit two Steinerlines from top. Sensational Sherri has been attacked in the first aid station. Rick and Samu go. Samu kicks his ass. Rick comes back with clothesline and rams into post. Tag Scott who hits the butterfly suplex. Scott gets Stunngunned all the way to the floor. HOLY SHIT! Afa hits him with his stick and they bodyslam him on outside. Back in- Scott plays face-in-peril as the Shrinkers works him over and gets some near falls. Blind charge by Samu misses but Scott can’t make the tag. Scott gets rammed into ringpost and they continue to kick his ass. Steiner tries to fight back but gets eye poked. A double KO spot occurs and Scott is still unable to make the hot tag. Top-rope headbutt by Samu misses- hot tag Rick who cleans house. He headbutts them both which of course doesn’t work and they hit a double breakdown. Rick counters a Doomsday Device with a powerslam for two and he tags in Scott. Bely to belly to Fatu but he gets superkicked by Samu. Fucked up frankensteiner wins it. *3/4- Way too long and they botched the ending.

 

WHERE ARE THEY NOW- WWA, Fatu is in WWF, Samu-?

 

Mean Gene is with Doink who desecrated the visage of Julius Caesar. We see footage of Doink attacking Crush.

 

Crush v. Doink the Clown

 

THE STORYLINE- On RAW Doink attacked Crush with a fake arm he had that he used a weapon.

 

THE MATCH-Crush chases him to start and slams him on the floor. He smacks him into the post and back in- Crush works him over. Doink gets a sort of stunner on ropes and takes control. They brawl on the outside- Crush eats post. Back in- Whoopee Cushion eats foot. Doink chops away and goes up top but gets slammed down. He clotheslines him out and Doink hides under the ring. Crush pulls him out and press slams him. Kona Kompactor- Doink makes ropes and ref gets bumped. Doink hides under the ring but Crush pulls him out and locks in the Kona Crush. Another Doink runs and bops him with the loaded arm. We got two Doinks in the ring who beat the hell out of Crush. Brain screams about an illusion. Doink covers for the win. -* Match was atrociously boring.

 

WHERE ARE THEY NOW- WWA, ?

 

Todd is with the fans in the cheap seats.

 

Razor Ramon v. Bob Backlund

 

THE STORYLINE- no idea

 

THE MATCH-Razor tells him using hands he’ll take him and chuck him out of the ring. That was cool. Sherri is hurt badly but they’ve restored order. Lockup- Razor shoves him back. Bob takes control with the amateur wrestling. Razor shrugs it off and kicks his ass. The announcers talk about Luger knocking out Hitman as Backlund gets the armdrags. Butterfly suplex and Backlund atomic drops him. He brings him back in but Ramon small packages him for the win. Why Razor was fighting Backlund is beyond me. ½*

 

WHERE ARE THEY NOW- WWF, retired

 

Mean Gene is with Money Inc. and we get clips of them attacking Barber. Apparently Hogan got beat up before the show.

 

Money Inc v. Megamaniacs (w/Jimmy Hart) for the WWF Tag Titles

 

THE STORYLINE- Brutus Beefcake came back to the WWF and Money Inc beat the shit out of him causing Jimmy Hart to turn against them and join with Brutus and the returning Hulk Hogan who came back to avenge  the beating of his friend and win the tag titles.

 

THE MATCH-Hogan has a black eye- Savage must be so proud. Money Inc attacks to start but Megamaniacs clean house and they pose. Savage on the black eye: He knows whose behind it.  Barber and IRS start. IRS kicks his ass. Tag Dibase. Dibase works him over. Money Inc. make some quick tags and works him over. Dibase does fistdrop but it hits the mask. Barber headbutts them together. Dibase rams him into turnbuckle- no sold. Barber returns the favor and tags Hogan. Hogan kicks his ass with punches. Clothesline and he punches him and tags Barber. Double boot and Barber takes Dibase to school. Tag Hogan and Dibase continues to bump around. Dibase goes flying outside and IRS comes in and gets his ass kicked. Money Inc decide to bail. The ref rules that if Money Inc gets counted out they lose the title. Back in- Dibase chokes out Hogan and Hogan plays face-in-peril as the heels work him over and occasionally cheat. Million Dollar Dream. Arm drops twice- not thrice. Barber runs in and hooks the sleeper on Dibase. Both men out. Hogan up first- hot tag Barber. Barber kicks some ass. Dibase goes flying out on an atomic drop. Dibase hits him with Steve McMichael’s Haliburton and IRS drops some elbows as Money Inc works him over. Dibase tries to pull off the mask and succeeds. They go to work on the face and work on that. Brutus comes back with a double clothesline- and gets the sleeper on IRS. Dibase breaks and the ref is bumped. Hot tag Hogan who cleans house. Big boot to both and Hogan hits them with some sort of steel. Jimmy Hart runs in and counts three which counts donkey dick. They all celebrate but instead the Megamaniacs are Dqed. *1/4- way too long for that bullshit finish. Post-match they pose and strut. They open the briefcase which contained a brick. Hogan gives Dibase’s money to the fans.

 

WHERE ARE THE NOW- Dibase is retired, IRS is in Japan, Beefcake works indies, Hogan is in WWF.

 

Todd talks to Natalie Cole and the CEO of Caesars Palace. Todd looks like a tool. Mean Gene is with Mr. Perfect.

 

Mr. Perfect v. “The Narcissist” Lex Luger

 

THE STORYLINE- I believe they had some big feud in 1993 over the forearm but I really can’t remember it.

 

THE MATCH-Luger’s girls are pretty hot and he poses in front of mirrors. Staredown- Lockup- they do some counter-reversal moves. Luger pokes him but Perfect smacks him and hits a knee lift. He gets a dropkick- Luger bails. Back in- Luger goes to the eyes and works him over. Perfect grabs his foot and drives his knee into the side of Luger’s knee. Spinnng leglock and Perfect works on the leg and stomps-n-chops away. Luger reverses Irish whip and Perfect hurts his back. Perfect bails and they brawl on the outside. Luger works on the back. Perfect fights back in the corner but eats knee on blind charge. Luger pins him with feet on the ropes but gets caught. Powerslam by Luger-2. Jumping sunset flip by Perfect-2 and he gets sleeper. Luger breaks and Perfect punches him. Small package by Perfect-2. Luger goes chest first into corner and Luger gets catapulted. Clothesline-2. Perfect tries ten punches but Luger stops him but Perfect is able to get a forearm-2. Lateral press-2. Top-rope dropkick-Luger puts foot on ropes. They fight over a backslide- Luger cheats to win the backslide and pins him despite Perfect’s feet on ropes. Match was a bit boring but had a lot of near-falls. ** Luger lays him out post-match with a forearm. Perfect runs to the back and beats up Luger but HBK shows him and takes him out.

 

WHERE ARE THEY NOW- WWF, sitting out Time Warner contract

 

The commentators discuss what happened- Savage and Brain argue. Gorilla previews the rest of the card.

 

Undertaker (w/Paul Bearer) v. Giant Gonzalez (w/Harvey Wippleman)

 

THE STORYLINE- At the RR Taker was kicking ass and demanding respect until this mysterious eight foot giant showed up, took him down and eliminated him to the shock of everyone. Since he was so tall Gonzales was the first wrestler who the Undertaker would have to do a lot looking up too.

 

THE MATCH-Staredown- GG hits him with forearms- Taker shrugs it off. Taker hammers away but gets choked. Taker chokes him. GG lowblows him. Taker shrugs it off and kicks it old school. Taker stomps away but GG boots him and clotheslines him. GG gets a chinlock. Taker fights off and breaks it. GG throws him out. Brawl on the outside- Taker eats steps but Taker gets back up. GG keeps hitting him- Taker keeps getting up. Taker fights back and they slug it out. GG is down to one knee and Wippleman interferes. GG rubs a chloroform soaked rag into his face for the DQ. WTF is with the DQs and CO’s tonight? Match was a piece of shit- the Summerslam one was better.  -*** As they tend to Taker- GG beats up the refs. Taker does stretcher job but comes back and scares GG. He kicks his ass and gets him with a flying clothesline.

 

We get footage of Yoko killing Hacksaw and killing Bret at contract signing. Mean Gene than talks to Hogan who offers advice to Bret and offers a challenge to the winner- he calls Yoko a ‘jap’ and flexes.

 

Todd talks to some crazy fans and sends it to the commentators.

 

Bret “Hitman” Hart v. Yokozuna (w/ Mr. Fuji) for the WWF Title

 

THE STORYLINE- Yoko has been on a rampage since coming to the WWF, accumulating zero losses and winning the RR to get a title shot at Wrestlemania IX. At a contract signing he attacked Bret and earlier today Luger hit Bret with his forearm. Will Bret be able to put Yoko in the sharpshooter?

THE MATCH-Bret dropkicks him and hammers away. Yoko throws him off. Bret flies back but Yoko chops him. Yoko blocks waistlock and shoulderblocks him. Bret flies out. Bret ties Yoko to ropes and hammers away. He hit second rope elbow and a clothesline. Yoko gets one of his own. Yoko gets a slam and a legdrop. ‘U-S-A’. Yoko chokes him out and gets a nervehold. Blind charge by Yoko misses and Bright sorta bulldogs him for two as JR mentions the Hulkamaniacs rooting for Bret. Martial arts kick by Yoko and he goes back to nerve hold. Yoko misses Banzai charge, bulldog-2. Second rope elbow-2. Top-rope clothesline and clothesline bring him down. Yoko turns ten punches into take down. Bret accidentally takes turnbuckle off and Yoko gets rammed into it. Sharpshooter- Fuji throws salt into his eyes for the win and title. Bret tried but the match was a bit too short. *3/4

 

WHERE ARE THEY NOW- WWA commish, dead

 

Hulk Hogan comes out and protests and Fuji issues a challenge for right now. Bret says go for it

 

Yokozuna (w/Mr. Fuji) v. Hulk Hogan for the WWF Title

 

Yoko hammers away but Hogan ducks salt shot. Clothesline, legdrop. Hogan wins title. DUD

 

The Bottom Line- People say this is the worst Wrestlemania ever and I pretty much have to agree with them. Nothing is really that good and its just a really boring show. Three matches have bullshit finishes which is inexcusable for the biggest show of the year. Hogan beating Yoko in twenty-one seconds basically just makes Bret and Yoko look weak which is really stupid. Just a bad Wrestlemania.

 

Strong Recommendation to Avoid

[Guest nWoScorpion]

Crush was attacked by Doink on a Superstars or Wrestling challenge, sometime around RR. Just anted to let ya know.

Lugers fued was with PErfect cause of Heenan storyline at RR 1993. He still had heat with him dumping Flair and this was his revenge.

[Guest Kahran Ramsus]

Razor was feuding with Perfect at the time, but it never really amounted to anything.

[Guest DEEP THOUGHT]

I believe that Doink's attack on Crush occured in December 1992 on Superstars, prior to the debut of Monday Night Raw and more importantly, the in-ring debut of Doink. The area didn't resemble the Manhattan Center, which held every RAW brodcast for the first 6 months or so. Crush was hyped as one of the 30 participants in the 1993 Royal Rumble (But then again so was Nailz, Kamala, Duggan, Bossman and Bigelow) but was off of WWF programming for months because of this this "injury" suffered at the hands of Doink. I haven't heard an official word as to why, but I suspect that it was for Crush to lose some weight. Notice that he had a huge gut in the video recap of the attack shown prior to their WM IX match. BTW keep of the good work, I've enjoyed reading all of your Wrestlemania reviews so far.