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Dr. Tom's Velocity Report: 1/11/03

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Quick Playoff Blurb: Tennessee over Pittsburgh, 34-31 in overtime, and Philly over Atlanta, 20-6. For the record, I called both of these games. I may not have Photoshop and be able to fake photos of me standing next to a hoop star who dwarfs me by a foot, but damn if I don’t know me some football. For those of you who emailed me and told me how wrong I was to pick the Titans: suck it. By the way, this report is delayed because I was watching the games. Football > Wrestling, and The Playoffs just blow a B-show off the map.


On tape from the great American Southwest, this is WWE Velocity for 11 January 2k3. Your hosts are Michael Cole and Somebody Call Mah Mamma.


Opening Match: Bill DeMott vs. Some Jobber (already in the ring). Mike Wellington is the jobber du jour. Cat busts on Cole a bit, wondering where Not Tough Enough has gone, since he hates working with Cole. DeMott tosses Wellington down and goes to work on the arm. He chokes the jobber on the ropes, then back to the arm. Elbowdrop gets 2, then DeMott puts on one of several variations of the armbar (this one being arm-BAR) he’s shown this match. Each was more exciting than the last, let me tell you. Even DeMott’s enthralling series of headlocks on Smackdown cannot outdo the majesty of multiple armbars. The gutwrench powerbomb ends this one at 2:46. I’ve never liked the taste of SQUASH, myself. DUD

(Winner: Bill DeMott, pinfall via gutwrench powerbomb @ 2:46)


Clip Time: From Tough Enough 3, trainers from seasons past come to work with the kids in the ring. Bob Holly tries to justify his Barney Badass reputation by beating up on Matt. It’s macho bullshit like that that got him dropped on his head when he tried it on someone who really knew how to fight back. Jonah summons Bill DeMott, who talks about respect and implicitly apologizes for Holly’s antics. He really relates to the kids here, talking about things like swallowing his pride. DeMott is great on Tough Enough, IMO.


Just a quick musing here: who in Hollywood could have possibly thought a movie like “Kangaroo Jack” was a good idea? I know Hollywood’s a creatively bankrupt town full of weasels, backstabbers, and has-beens, but come on. I expect more from even an intellectual cesspool like that. We now return you to the best Velocity report on the internet.


Nathan Jones’ promotional videos are good as far as videos to hype someone who hasn’t debuted yet. The character idea (a Hannibal Lecter-style evil genius who snaps when pushed too far) sounds interesting, but it has the potential to suck hard if Jones can’t pull it off. I’ve heard he’s really green, so we’ll see.


NUMBAH ONE Announcer Funaki vs. Diamondback. Diamondback is obviously a local kid, considering where we are. He does bear a resemblance to Josh Matthews, though. They exchange arm wringers before Funaki executes a single-leg takedown. He walks into an armdrag, though, and Diamondbak bridges out of a rollup to cradle Funaki for 2. Ladies and germs, we have achieved parity. A test of strength sets up a nice springboard armdrag from Diamondback. That sends Funaki to the apron, where he puts the shoulders to Diamonback, then goes up and hits a bodypress for 2. Funaki snapmares Diamonback over, then hangs on when the local guy tries to dropkick him off the criss-cross. Diamondback grabs a cradle for 2, but Funaki snap suplexes him and does a seated dropkick to his face. Diamondback fights out of a chinlock only to get kneed off the ropes. He ends up on the apron and springs in, unfortunately deciding on the Please Counter Me as his offensive move of choice. Funkai obliges by dropkicking him in the gut. Diamondback flips out of a German suplex and nails an enzuigiri, but his slow cover only gets 2. Into the corner goes Diamondback, but he pops out with a running forearm, and a Harlem Sidekick gets 2. Just substitute some Arizona city for Harlem there. Funaki bulldogs Diamondback for 2 and goes for the tornado DDT. Diamonback escapes, though, and hits a move that starts out looking like an Acid Drop and ends up looking like a flying neckbreaker. Whatever he calls it, that’s good enough for the duke at 4:58, as Funaki jobs to the local boy. This was a decent, energetic match, exactly the type they should have on a show called “Velocity.” 4/10

(Winner: Diamondback, pinfall via flying neckbreaker @ 4:58)


More Clips Than A Hair Cuttery: First, the wedding of Dawn Marie and Mr. Charisma, which is two weeks old and will not be elaborated upon further by me. Then we go to this Thursday’s Smackdown for the Torrie Wilson interview:


After the beak, Not Tough Enough solicits Torrie’s opinion of last week’s wedding, and she proclaims it disgusting. It’ll be Torrie vs. Dawn at the Rumble. I guess they’re trying to pay this three-month farce off in the ring; a shame neither of them can wrestle.


Next up is a selection from the honeymoon clips, as Dawn lures a weary Al into the shower. That’s all that needs to be said about that. Next, Al is all tuckered out from all the lovin’ that’s been going on, but a bit later, Dawn would learn he was a little more than just tuckered out:


Meanwhile, Al is apparently not breathing, so Dawn summons the paramedics and spends the rest of the scene in weepy melodrama mode. Hell, has Al been breathing any of the times he’s been on camera thus far? Christ, if the paramedics are looking for signs of life, Al might die of old age before they find them. The paramedics take Al away, Dawn keeps up the fake crying, and the logo flashes.


Yay, an Al Wilson update, as Cole informs us that Al is in a coma. Hell, I could have told them he was comatose the first time I saw him on camera.


Chuck Palumbo vs. Some Jobber (already in the ring). Keiji Sakoda is the jobber, and he’s no Keiji Mutoh. Chuck slaps the jobber and elbows him down. Sakoda hits a pair of armdrags, into the armbar. Chuck powers Sakoda into the corner and knees him out of the ring. Sakoda comes back in when Chuck goes out, and decks Chuck off the apron. He tries an apron dive, but Chuck catches it and posts him. Back in, that gets 2. Chuck goes to work on the back, shouldering Sakoda’s lower back in the corner, then getting 2 off a back suplex. Overhead suplex gets 2. Sakoda gets a sunset flip for 2, but Chuck elbows him down in the corner. Chuck posts himself on a charge, so Sakoda begins channeling the spirit of much better Japanese wrestlers by unleashing a flurry of forearms. He goes up, but also decides that the Please Counter Me would be an excellent move. Chuck superkicks him out of the air and pins him at 4:10. Completely pedestrian match. I’m not a big Palumbo fan, especially when he’s not paired up against someone who can make him look decent. 1/10

(Winner: Chuck Palumbo, pinfall via superkick @ 4:10)


Clips Again: First, A-Train makes sure Paul Heyman and The Big Slow know to leave their lesson for Brock Lesnar until after Train’s match with him. Then we go to the match, shown here in its entirety:


Well, it was nice to have A-Train on Velocity while it lasted. Sigh. A-Train controls the tieup, but Brock eventually powers him into the corner and kicks his ass for a bit. A-Train elbows Brock on a charge, but misses the bicycle kick. He does get the Baldobomb, but just for 2. He doesn’t use it as a finisher anymore, so I guess killing it here doesn’t matter. A-Train pounds Brock and hotshots him, but Brock rallies with a powerslam. He boots A-Train on a charge and nails a trio of overhead suplexes. A-Train headbutts Brock to counter another suplex try, but Brock shrugs that off and hits the F5 for the pin at 3:01. At least three minutes keeps A-Train’s mutant suck factor in check. Speaking of mutants, give A-Train some blue paint and he could play the Beast in the next X-Men sequel. They’d have on CGI, that’s for sure. Anyway, pretty blah match, especially for a main event, but at least it was short and inoffensive. 1/10


Then, we all get to learn the lesson Paul had for Brock:


After the match, Brock asks Paul and Slow for his lesson. The lesson is that Brock can’t beat Slow, which is reinforced by Slow and Heyman leaving the building.


A few rules are handed down for the upcoming Royal Rumble. As I’m sure you all know, it’s fifteen chaps from each show going at it, with the winner get a shot at their show’s tile at Mania. Two men start, and this year, they’re going back to the sixty-second intervals between entrances. I always liked two minutes, myself, since the match feels too short with someone coming out every minute. The other announced matches are spotlighted, also, and there’s just not enough there to make me hand over my $35.


Raw Retro: Stone Cold Steve Austin drives a Zamboni to the ring and beats the hell out of Vince McMahon before being led off in handcuffs.


Main Event: Nunzio vs. Crash. Crash doesn’t climb the ropes to enter the ring like he normally does, showing he learned from Nunzio’s assault in their last meeting. Nice touch there, and Cole was sharp enough to point it out. Nunzio offers the handshake, but Crash, wise to potential skullduggery, elects to shake the ref’s hand instead. Crash drop toeholds Nunzio down, and slugs him down again, for 2. They fight over a takedown, and Crash armdrags Nunzio, into an armbar. Crash flips out of a suplex and hits the electric chair for 2. Crash tries to do an acrobatic reversal in the corner, but Nunzio crotches him on the top rope and goes to work on the arm. Crash grabs a rollup out of a hammerlock for 2, but Nunzio pounds him back down. Crash gets a victory roll for 2, but Nunzio goes right back to the arm with a cross armbreaker. Crash kicks Nunzio and DDTs him (with the bad arm) for 2. Nunzio hops to the second rope on an Irish whip, but before he can do anything, Crash takes him down with a one-armed powerbomb for 2. Nunzio knees Crash out to the apron, where they fight over Crash’s re-entry. Nunzio wins that exchange, and the resultant springboard hammerlock DDT wins him the match at 4:56. Good enough for government work, and the little touches made it entertaining. 3/10

(Winner: Nunzio, pinfall via springboard hammerlock DDT at 4:56)


Overall: This was a pretty drab episode, with a couple of boring jobber squashes taking the luster off the pair of decent matches. The rest of the show was clips from Smackdown and hype for the Rumble. If you missed this one to watch the Atlanta-Philly game, you made a better call than most NFL officials have made this postseason.


Dr. Tom

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