Pimpin's Too Easy

[Guest TSMAdmin]

Pimpin’s Too Easy

 

Michael Cole has been taking a lot of heat since the WWF…I mean WWE split. I mean “Brand Extension”.

 

Cole it seems, just can’t carry his own “brand show” as a play by play man. That’s the opinion of many online fans.

 

I agree.

 

You see, I was fortunate enough to have seen the man they called the “Dean of Wrestling Announcers” work, while he was still with us.

 

To hear Gordon Solie call a pro wrestling match was to hear the voice of a bygone era. This man brought class (even to this sport), professionalism, and knowledge to every match he called. It didn’t matter if it was a prelim bout or a main event, Gordon Solie was the consummate play by play man.

 

In short, he was just about everything today’s corporate, white-bread, generic announcer is not.

 

I’m not an old man grousing about how “things were better in my day”. The sport is probably more exciting now, then when I first started watching in the early eighties.

 

The announcing just seemed better then.

 

A bad play by play man can make a good match hard to watch, whereas a great play by play man can make a poor match, easier to watch.

 

It’s called personality. Mr. Solie had it. Gorilla Monsoon had it. Jim Ross has it.

 

Michael Cole does not.

 

Michael Cole is a pimp.

 

Before you write that off as a slanderous insult, let me explain.

 

A good play by play man “calls the action” while at the same time telling the story of the bout as it unfolds. This is what Jim Ross specializes at. He knows the names of the moves, and he will call them, while at the same time reminding the viewer of the storylines which led up to the match, and the ramifications and background of the events as they occur. J.R. can be a third man in the match, putting over the fan favorite, or reinforcing the “insidious” behavior of the heel.

 

Jim Ross comes across as warm, sincere and fan friendly. When was the last time you tuned in to Raw or a PPV that J.R. was calling, and he didn’t “thank all the fans for joining him?” Sure, he might not really mean it, but if he’s lying, he does it convincingly.

 

On the other hand, Michael Cole tries to get you to buy the next Pay Per View. He pimps it non-stop. Michael Cole pimps the main event of the show he is calling, frequently ignoring the events of the match going on, if they prevent him from pimping.

Michael Cole screams that you “don’t want to miss this PPV!!! Call your cable operator now! Don’t get left out!”

 

Michael Cole has no personality.

 

The WWF has a long history of breeding generic “pimp” announcers. Craig DeGeorge. Sean Mooney. Todd Pettingill. Kevin Kelly. Michael Cole.

 

Men who don’t want to tell you a story. Men who don’t usually know, (or care) about the names of the wrestling holds they are seeing. Men who are unaware of the athletic background of the wrestlers they watch every week. That information would just interrupt their incessant shilling.

 

Perhaps you don’t agree with me.

 

Okay, Pop-Quiz. Tell me one different personality trait between Michael Cole and Kevin Kelly. Can you?

 

I’m pretty sure Tony Schiavone is their father… for all of them! It would explain how they got their horrific announcing skills. They inherited them, genetically.

 

Tony Schiavone was worse in my mind, than all of his illegitimate sons combined. Tony COULD have called a good match, but he made the conscious choice NOT TO. Tony said whatever Eric Bischoff told him to, no matter how inane, insipid, hyperbolic or insulting to the fans intelligence. Remember his infamous dig at Mick Foley, which actually caused fans to tune Nitro out en masse?

 

And fans don’t like having their intelligence insulted. Even us wrestling fans. There’s an old saying: “Don’t piss down my back, and then tell me it’s raining.”

 

How many of you saw the embarrassing “Dog Kennel From Hell Match” at Unforgiven two years ago? (If you didn’t, count yourself lucky.) It sucked… BAD. Jim Ross called the match. After it was over, do you remember what he said?

 

“Well fans, thankfully, the dog days of Unforgiven are over.” He as much as agreed that the match you’d just seen was crap.

 

Can you see Michael Cole saying something like that?

 

No, because he wouldn’t. If Vince McMahon told him too, Michael Cole would have gotten on all fours, crawled into the ring, and humped one of the dogs.

 

A few years ago, in the thick of the “Attitude” era, The Godfather (another, albeit more likeable pimp) was feuding with Viscera. The basis of the feud, was that Viscera was branching out into pimping on his own, but he was not nice like the Godfather.

 

I sat there stunned, and listened to Michael Cole and his evil, fatter twin Kevin Kelly earnestly explain the difference between Viscera and The Godfather.

 

According to Michael and Kevin, the Godfather was a “Good Pimp”. He was a “fun loving pimp”. But Viscera was a “bad pimp”, because he was “mean”. No, I’m not paraphrasing those statements. They actually made them. I had to give it to them, though. They do know about being pimps.

 

I waited to see how J.R. would try and sell this feud to the fans. He informed us that the Godfather was outraged at Viscera for splashing one of his “ho’s.”

 

Hmmm. Strange. No explanation from J.R. about the difference between “good and bad” pimps.

 

It appears that after Raven's resignation from HEAT, WWE is looking at some new possible announcers. It’s a pity Joey Styles and Scott Hudson, have left the business. Looks like we will be getting Coach and a wrestler struggling for airtime. Hopefully, it won’t be one of “Tony’s kids”!

 

As far as Michael Cole goes, I have an idea to get him over. At the start of Smackdown every week, he should grab the mic, and shout:

 

“IT’S TIME…ONCE AGAIN…FOR EVERYBODY TO JUMP ABOARD THE HO TRAIN!!!”

 

He might as well.

 

It would be honest, for a change.

 

-Dave Dymond