2002 : The Year In Crap

[Guest TSMAdmin]

Hey yo...

 

If you’ve been wondering where my Heat recap has been from last week... well, I didn’t do it, because all the show was, was the RAW portions of the Best of 2002 show. WWE messed up on the audio as well... there was none! All in all, I felt that a recap show with no audio that had already been recapped before didn’t need another recap.

 

As for this week’s recap... well, my VCR timer fucked up again. I was out last night watching the NFL playoffs (The Giants and Jets are out of it, and as a New Jersey boy, I’m disappointed), and it turns out that my VCR timer didn’t work, so I didn’t see Heat; which is surprisingly a real shame. I checked out the results and it looked like one of the better Heats in a long time.

 

The Results:

Steven Richards pinned Spike Dudley

Tommy Dreamer pinned Aaron Aguleria

D’Lo Brown pinned Maven

The Hurricane pinned Jeff Hardy

 

Before I start, I finished off both Bobby Heenan and Roddy Piper’s books. Both books are good reads and informative. Piper talks about his life on the streets and how the wrestling business gave him a place where he belonged. He explores a very interesting concept in “The Sickness,” which he believes is a condition that wrestlers and wrestling fans are exposed to. I won’t spoil it for you, but it’s an interesting theory. Piper tends to embellish a tad (or at least it would seem he is), but that’s Piper for ya. I’d recommend reading it.

 

I really enjoyed reading Heenan’s book. He was very witty as usual. His main target for ridicule was his old commentating partner, Tony Schiavone. Heenan talks about his entire career, from AWA to the WWF to WCW (which he despises), and his battle with throat cancer. If you haven’t read his book already, get out there and pick it up, it’s hilarious at times, and very informative.

 

Anyway, instead of my usual Heat ramblings, how's about a change of pace?

 

2002 : The Year In Crap

 

I hope you guys all had a great 2002. I know that mine was pretty lackluster in some areas, but it did have it’s brief shining moments, much like WWE in 2002. Now, I’m not here to look at those brief shining moments, you Benoit vs. Angle matches, the Smackdown 6 tag matches, Booker T and Goldust, or when Chris Jericho was the champion. No, I’m here to examine the crap that we’ve put up with this year as loyal WWE fans.

 

There has been one particular individual this year, that was centered around a lot of crap. In fact, he was involved in SO much crap, that he’ll be getting his own section in this article. Of course, I’m talking about...

 

Wait for it...

 

Wait for it...

 

WAIT FOR IT..

 

TRIPLE H.

 

Okay, I know us so called “smart marks” get a lot of flack from our constant mocking of this once talented roid monster, but I call em’ as I see em’. Nobody was involved in more crappy angles this year than Triple H. Triple H returned to WWE in January of 2002 amidst MONTHS of hype and video packages. I was a HHH mark back then, I’ll admit. I was a big fan of the guy. I was hyped for his return. But when he returned, we got a Triple H who was a shadow of his former self. No longer could he put on ***** matches. Instead of the muscle bound, charismatic, brawling master of psychology Triple H we had in 2000, we got a steroid pumping, boring, lumbering, politicking master of crappy and predictable angles.

 

The first crappy angle Triple H was involved in this year was...

 

Triple H and Stephanie Renew their vows

There was a problem when HHH debuted. You see, HHH was still “married” to Stephanie McMahon, who was still a heel. WWF looked to push Trips as a face, so he couldn’t be boning Steph anymore, at least on screen. Tension was placed between the two, where HHH bitched at Stephanie for being self centered. Pot. Kettle. Black.

 

This made Stephanie sad, so she tried to win HHH back by saying she was pregnant! This changed EVERYTHING, in the eyes of Hunter, because soon there would be a little kid with a huge nose and huge tits running around that he’d have to look after. Triple H decided to agree to renew their “wedding” vows in yet another wedding angle on RAW.

 

Beforehand, Stephanie had a “doctor” come by to show her “husband” the ultrasound. Well, it turned out that Stephanie was *GASP* lying. Linda McMahon called Hunter up minutes before the ceremony and told him to watch the tape he sent her, which was of the so called “doctor” shilling for some vacation spot. This made HHH ANGRY!!!!

 

Weddings of any form have pretty much sucked in WWE, except for Savage/Elizabeth. This was no different than the others. Stephanie delivered her heart felt speech, and in return, HHH called her a lying cheating bitch. He pedigreed Vince, who was steaming mad. He then shoved Stephanie down. This lead to the only good thing to come of this angle, the first of Stephanie’s nipple slips!

 

After Stephanie covered herself up again, she roared at the camera, with an ultra evil face, that still haunts me in my sleep. This wasn’t as bad as what the angle lead to though...

 

Triple H vs. Chris Jericho

2002 started out in a positive light for most “smart marks.” One of their favorite wrestlers, the ultra talented and charismatic Chris Jericho, who was long a victim of the glass ceiling, had shattered that ceiling and rose to the top of the mountain as the first ever Undisputed Champion in the then WWF. Jericho’s revamped heel act, combined with his great in ring ability lead to great matches and great TV. Along came Triple H to mess things up. Triple H won a very predictable Royal Rumble, and set his sights on the Undisputed title.

 

Chris Jericho looked to gain an edge on the Cerebral Ass by enlisting Hunter’s former main squeeze, Stephanie McMahon, ultra heel. It seemed like a logical match, but soon we would learn that this was a dreadful mistake.

 

Triple H has complained that his Wrestlemania X-8 match had little to no heat because of Chris Jericho. Well, it’s kind of hard to draw a crowd reaction when you’re following Rock/Hogan. Another reason why this match had no heat behind it, was the horrible booking. Chris Jericho was relegated to the role of Stephanie McMahon’s bitch. He did her dirty work. He CLEANED UP DOG SHIT FOR HER. The whole angle was booked as HHH vs. Stephanie McMahon. Chris Jericho, the first undisputed champion was treated mainly as window dressing to the battle of the egos. Hell, Lucy, Triple H’s dog was more of a topic of dispute during this feud than was Jericho or his world title.

 

Jericho and Lucy quickly became friends. Jericho took care of and looked after Lucy, until her death. She was hit by a car, after Jericho carelessly left her tied up in a careless position. RIP Lucy, you’ll be missed.

 

The match itself was decent... though predictable. It wasn’t nearly as good as their past meetings. The aftermath of the match was no treat either.

 

To make matters worse, the following week, Jericho received a rematch, but not just any rematch. It was a three way match, HHH vs. Jericho vs....

 

Stephanie McMahon.

 

That’s right, STEPHANIE MCMAHON, of all people, got a title shot, and even picked up a few near falls. Triple H held on, and began his hatred for one of the most charismatic and talented showman out there today, Chris Jericho, who sunk to midcard hell and went on month long losing streaks as a result. His summer consisted of jobbing to newcomers like John Cena and over the hill guys like Ric Flair. Wow, way to treat the first Undisputed Champion.

 

Jericho never got another rematch for the title with Hunter during this reign. Jericho wouldn’t get another shot at Hunter’s title until the Elimination Chamber match at Survivor Series.

 

Another interesting thing about that match was the special stipulation. If Stephanie lost, then she’d never be allowed on WWE TV again. Well, looks like that one has been broken.

 

A fine example of Triple H using up TV time:

Remember back when HHH was feuding with The Undertaker? Of course you do, it lead to one of the worst main events of the year. I’m sure you all remember the fateful night where Triple H staged a sit in. Taker wouldn’t come to the ring though, so Triple H sat there for about... oh three segments, until he got pissed off and started hitting random things with a sledgehammer, including a camera. This went on for about 30 minutes. Way to open up your show and draw potential new viewers, WWE! A guy hitting stuff with a sledgehammer... really, where do they come up with this stuff?

 

Anyway...

 

Triple H continued to stink up WWE rings, with Pay Per View matches with Hulk Hogan and The Undertaker, which were borderline duds. His ego had obviously ballooned, and he was beginning to take up even more TV time than he used to. Triple H found a good angle between he and Shawn Michaels, but once that was over (for the first time anyway), he moved onto the most dreadful angle of the year.

 

Triple H vs. Kane : Necrophillia

Kane had been out for the beginning part of the year with an injury. He returned to RAW in August, and immediately pissed on his bad ass image by busting out the Kane-aroony AND by returning wearing a costume that showed MUCH of his body, and was covered in seat belts for some odd reason. I thought Kane was all about fire safety, not car safety, but hey, I guess he’s versatile. Kane as a whole this year was crap in itself. All of the continuity in his gimmick was shot to hell. Kane shows much of his body now, and his face, both of which are supposedly very badly burnt. He talks normally now, but just a few years ago, he couldn’t talk without the use of a voice box. All of the sudden, he’s stealing Hulk Hogan’s catchphrases and calling his fans “Kaneennites.”

 

Kane, who used to be a decent talent for a man of his size, was ultimately pissed on by this angle. Whatever continuity his gimmick had left, which was little, was destroyed when Triple H uttered these now infamous words...

 

“Kane... YOU’RE A MURDERER.”

 

Yes, you heard right. A murder angle ALONE is fucking terrible, but it goes MUCH further than this. At this point, I can feel Russo’s presence. According to Triple H, Kane had killed a girl, Katie Vick, years ago. Now let me backtrack. Wasn’t Kane outcasted from society after he was badly burnt as a child? I thought he secretly lived in Paul Bearer’s basement for years, and was building up rage to ultimately get revenge on the Undertaker. We’re supposed to forget all of that stuff at the drop of a hat? Oh, that’s right, we’re stupid wrestling fans, we’re not supposed to remember anything more than 2 years old. What, did Paul Bearer let Kane out periodically to party with friends? I don’t think so.

 

Kane defended himself by saying that it was an accident. You see, he was out partying (while he was badly burnt, mind you. Maybe it was a support group party), and he took home a friend (Oh yeah, Kane was a real socialite, considering the fact he couldn’t talk and was burnt from head to toe) that had drank too much. Kane was the designated driver, but he lost control (He apparently couldn’t drive a stick shift), crashed, and Katie was killed on impact.

 

Okay, this angle is already retarded enough. But wait, it GETS EVEN WORSE.

 

Triple H hadn’t had enough. He claimed that Kane was out of control that night, and forced sex on Katie. That’s not all though.

 

“The question is Kane, did you have sex with Katie while she was alive... or did you wait until she was already dead?”

 

Yes, you heard right. Necrophilia. Necro-FUCKING-philia in a wrestling show. I thought I had seen it all. I’ve seen an 80+ year old woman give birth to a hand. I’ve seen the strongest man in the world make out with a hermaphrodite. I’ve seen a bunch of deranged Japanese guys attempt to castrate a former porn star, who slept with one of their wives. But Necrophilia takes things to a whole new level.

 

I don’t know what WWE was attempting to aim for here. I think they were trying to be funny, because Triple H soon claimed that he had proof that Kane had fucked Katie while she was dead. Triple H made a video of himself in a Kane mask, fucking a mannequin, which was oddly dressed in a cheerleader outfit, inside a coffin. He even brought the mannequin down to the ring to taunt Kane. All of this got a huge “WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?” reaction from the crowds, and rightly so.

 

How did Kane retaliate? Well, his good buddy, The Hurricane; who had recently been traded to RAW to job on Heat and get squashed on RAW, despite being more talented than most of the RAW roster; made himself his own video. This time it was of himself in a Triple H mask, at the hospital. Doctors were pulling various objects out of his ass. Some might have found this video funny, but I just thought it was flat out... weird.

 

This crappy angle finally culminated with a horrible blowoff match that killed off the IC title at No Mercy. This angle gets my vote for the worst angle of the year. It’s fucking ridiculous, crapped on Kane’s career, and destroyed the number two title in WWE. I couldn’t do a worse job if I tried.

 

Time for a non-HHH angle. This one is only related to HHH, as it involves his friends.

 

nWo 2002

In January of 2002, Vince McMahon had suffered a loss to Ric Flair at the Royal Rumble, which gave Ric Flair control of the company. Vince McMahon said that Ric Flair was going to kill the then WWF. Vince decided that no one was going to kill WWE except himself. He began airing these spooky vignettes about a LETHAL DOSE OF POISON entering the WWF, that would KILL IT. Well, they didn’t kill anything. They didn’t really do much of anything at all, actually. All they did was drive fans away and kill ratings. Hmm, I guess they WERE poison...

 

At the time, rumors were circulating the net that over the hill, former stars Hulk Hogan, Scott Hall and Kevin Nash were returning to WWE to help spike ratings. The net was divided on the issue. Some were nostalgic about it, and looked foward to the angle, but most seemed to reject the idea of these three trouble making has-beens making their way to McMahon-land again. The deal was sealed when McMahon revealed the letters nWo (Actually, he had oWn on the back of his chair, it was in the mirror. Fortunately, we were spared the return of The Ultimate Warrior and his one Warrior nation) on the back of his chair during the last McMahon poison promo.

 

The stage was set for these three backstage cancers to debut at the fittingly named No Way Out. They made an impact that night, costing Steve Austin the title. So far, the angle didn’t seem that bad. They were built up as a legitimate threat, and they just costed the number one man in the company the title.

 

Austin was angry, so to get back at the nWo, he tied them up and tortured them. He drank beer in front of Scott Hall, and didn’t give him any. That was hilarious. He got his pal Bradshaw (whom I’ll cover later in this article) to team up with him, and face them in horrible tag matches about 2839047298374923847198723 times in one month. Hall eventually got a match at Wrestlemania X-8 with Austin, which was the start of Austin’s frustrations with WWE. So basically, Austin was sacrificed in favor of these over the hill, has-beens. On top of all that, no one gave a flying fuck about Hall or Nash. Maybe because Kevin Nash didn’t do... anything. He was more of a manager. He injured his arm, which prevented him from wrestling at all anyway. No one really knows how he did it either. My guess is from combing his hair. Either that or from spray painting people.

 

One interesting angle sprung from this in The Rock vs. Hulk Hogan. The magnitude of these two squaring off puts plenty of heat on this match already. But no, WWE had to go one step further. They had Hogan beat up The Rock with a hammer. An ambulance took him away, but Hall and Nash blocked the exit, and threw all the EMTs out! Hogan got in an 18 wheeler, and rammed into the ambulance at full speed. How... retarded. I don’t know how anyone over the age of 6 was supposed to believe that angle. Even more retarded, 2 weeks later, The Rock returned to action, despite being hit by an 18 wheeler.

 

The Big Show eventually joined, to give the nWo another talentless big man. I guess since Nash couldn’t wrestle, they needed someone just as bad to fill in for him.

 

This angle also lead to the return of another lazy has-been, X-Pac. He wore short shorts and claimed he weighed 220, when he looked like he weighed in at about 160. He claimed to be a former main eventer, and one of the most talented wrestlers ever. Basically, he was full of shit in every way.

 

The nWo picked up some steam with Booker T joining the group. Booker was the only entertaining nWo member this year, and it wasn’t for his interaction with the nWo, it was through his work with Goldust, who attempted to gain Booker’s approval and join the nWo himself. Of course, WWE kicked out the only nWo member who wasn’t over the hill when the returning Shawn Michaels superkicked Booker T.

 

Booker and Goldust reached new levels of popularity when Booker turned face, while the nWo all faded into obscurity.

 

Scott Hall was fired soon there after. He currently wrestles for NWA:TNA. He still sucks.

 

Kevin Nash recovered from his injury, but injured himself about 4 seconds into his first match back... from walking. He’s currently being paid millions for sitting on his ass at home. He’s expected to return soon, much to the dismay of smart marks everywhere.

 

Hulk Hogan went on to win the WWE title (which I’ll cover later), and stink up rings with guys like HHH and the Undertaker. His nostalgia pops died, and he was put out of WWE by rising star Brock Lesnar. He currently stars in 10-10-220 commercials with another washed up 80s star, Alf.

 

The Big Show went onto win the WWE Championship, handing Brock Lesnar his first real loss, despite being complete crap in every way. He’s still feuding with Lesnar... sort of. Once they have a blowoff, I see this fat bastard fading into obscurity once again,

 

X-Pac was fired for being horrible. He reemerged in NWA-TNA under the moniker Syxx-Pac. Needless to say, he still sucked. He won the NWA X title, but then quit the NWA. He’s currently engaged to Chyna. The question on everyone’s mind is which one of them has a dick.

 

Shawn Michaels disappeared from TV for a while, and reemerged as a Born Again Christian and feuded with Triple H. He’s currently feuding with Chris Jericho, as I write this.

 

Back in 1996, these guys were calling Macho Man a has been. How ironic.

 

All in all, this angle was a complete waste of time, and a HUGE waste of money.

 

From the GREAT STATE OF TEXAS... BRADSHAW!

The roster split broke up many tag teams. One of those tag teams was the Acolyte Protection Agency. As you all know, Jim Ross has a major hard on for the king of the hosses, Bradshaw. This resulted in an upper midcard push as Steve Austin’s drinkin’ buddy. Bradshaw would team up with Austin to fight off the big bad nWo, and generally bore the hell out of anyone with half a brain. Most WWE fans loved him. That speaks volumes about most WWE fans. After Steve Austin walked out, Bradshaw got pushed even more. They decided to take Bradshaw in a new direction. Something revolutionary.

 

Are you ready?

 

Are you sure?

 

HE’S FROM TEXAS! That was/is Bradshaw’s gimmick. He’s from Texas, so we should love him. Wait, he’s not just from Texas, he’s from THE GREAT STATE OF TEXAS. That’s what the ring announcers would say when he walked out. He dressed like Justin Hawk Bradshaw, a failed gimmick from late 90s WWF, donning the cowboy hat, rope and short tights. He came off like a homoerotic cowboy, looking for pudding, like in South Park. Rumors of hazing backstage didn’t help him either. It wouldn’t have been as bad if Bradshaw was a good worker, but he’s your typical run of the mill hoss, which means boring power wrestling.

 

He was pushed towards the upper midcard for a while, until WWE realized, hey, this guy sucks, and gave him the Hardcore title. Not just any Hardcore title though. THE TEXAS HARDCORE TITLE! WOOOOO-EEEEE! Yup, a new belt just for Bradshaw. It had bullhorns on it and everything. Eventually, like a true hoss, Bradshaw got injured, and we haven’t had to deal with his tired act for the past few months. Thank god.

 

He did give us ONE entertaining moment this year though. On an episode of Confidential, he was playing H-O-R-S-E (They sooooo should have played H-O-S-S) with Linda Miles. Linda made a left handed shot, and Bradshaw answered with this cunning reply, “It’s ok, I’m bisexual, I can shoot with both hands!”

 

Hulk Hogan’s title reign

You know, it was bound to happen. Everyone saw it coming a mile away. The only thing I can say is at least it came when Hogan was still getting nostalgia pops. The main problems with Hogan’s title reign are pretty obvious. First of all, he’s 49 years old, so he’s obviously slowed down in the ring. Secondly, he was always slow, boring, and well... let’s just say HORRIBLE in the ring. Thirdly, he faced guys that were what, about half his age? He still beat em’. Yeah, I know he’s been beating the younger guys for years, but still. Hogan even won the title from Satan himself, Triple H. From one roid monkey to another, I guess.

 

Thankfully, Hogan only held onto the title for one month. In that time though, we got horrible matches pitting himself against other over the hill stars like Ric Flair. If it was 1989, this match might have had a chance. Too bad it was 2002. Hogan lost the title at Judgement Day, in quite possibly the worst match of the year, to The Undertaker. Look, that match sucked back in 1991, what made WWE think it’d be any better in 2002? Hogan should have just jobbed the title to someone with SOME skill in the ring, who could have possibly pulled a decent match out of the guy. Then he could transition it to Taker, if they wanted to so badly. Or, to make matters simple, they could have just kept the strap off of Hogan to begin with. A novel idea, don’t you think?

 

Tough Enough II

As if one Tough Enough wasn’t bad enough. The show itself isn’t bad, it’s the result of the show. It just spits on the wrestling business as a whole, and it insults all the hard working indy wrestlers out there that have worked their asses off for years, and are still living out of their cars. Tough Enough I actually gave us some good talent though. Maven shows potential. Nowinski is someone to look out for in the future. He’s got some talent in the ring, and he’s definitely got charisma. Even Nidia has amounted to a successful manager for Jamie Noble. But what did we get this year on Tough Enough?

 

Absolute crap.

 

Going into the final episode though, it looked like Tough Enough II might have actually done some good. Most people were predicting Jake and Kenny to walk away with the Tough Enough crowns. Hell, Kenny even had a GOOD match with Chavo Guerrero Jr before the show ended! What did WWE do though?

 

They gave us Jackie Gayda, and Linda Miles.

 

Let’s examine these two individuals, shall we?

 

Linda Miles acted like a prima donna for the duration of the entire show. Nothing was her fault in the ring, according to one person, herself. She had an elitist attitude and felt that she was better than everyone else. She’s only wrestled a few matches, and hasn’t been impressive. The Tough Enough crew have tried to say she has a “marketable look.” My ass she has a marketable look. I’m sorry, but I think she’s rather ugly, and she has no body. So, in a nutshell, she has nothing to offer.

 

Jackie Gayda showed heart through the show, working through injury. Did they ever take into account the fact that she couldn’t work for weeks and weeks so she obviously missed a lot of training? It sure showed when she finally got in the ring. Gayda is nothing but eye candy, and not even great eye candy compared to most of the other Divas. What a waste of two WWE contracts. Some people train for their entire lives, hoping to get a shot at wrestling for WWE, and never make it, and these two talentless prima donnas train on MTV for 9 weeks while living in a mansion and get handed a WWE contract at the end based on looks alone.

 

This abomination lead to the worst match of the year.

 

Bradshaw and Trish Stratus vs. Chris Nowinski and Jackie Gayda

To be fair, this sucktitude of this match had nothing to do with Bradshaw, Trish Stratus or Chris Nowinski. The fault lies in one person, and one person alone. Jackie Gayda. First she messed up a spot on the ropes, BADLY, and wound up looking like an idiot. She made a total klutz of herself out there, and embarrassed the wrestling world as a whole. You could just tell from the look on Trish Stratus’ face how pissed off she was. The ending of the match was laughable as well. Trish went off the top rope for a top rope bulldog, but missed. Jackie sold it anyway, and Trish had to pin her. After the match, Trish looked like she was ready to kill Gayda for making her look like shit. And she was right.

 

Smackdown GM Disappoints

In July, Vince McMahon decided he needed to have people running both RAW and Smackdown. General Managers, he called them. The RAW general manager turned out to be Eric Bischoff, in one of the most stunning moves in wrestling history. Vince McMahon’s hated rival, the man who trashed him and tried to put him out of business, was now working for him. Incredible.

 

At this point, the net was buzzing about who the Smackdown GM could be. Paul Heyman maybe? Shane McMahon? To quote Shane himself, “The contract was signed, and the name on the dotted line did say McMahon. STEPHANIE McMahon.” Yup, as you know, Stephanie McMahon, DESPITE being BARRED FROM WWE TV FOREVER, was reinstated as the Smackdown General Manager. Man, this past year in WWE was loaded with plot holes, wasn’t it?

 

So instead of a SHOCKING new GM like Eric Bischoff, we got the hated bosses’ daughter. What a disappointment.

 

Billy and Chuck Get Married

I don’t know what’s up with WWE, but they’ve wanted to do a gay wedding for years. Back when Too Cool weren’t hip hop dancin’ fools, they were a pair of homoerotic wrestlers who seemed to be tag team partners in more than one way. McMahon had wanted to run a gay wedding for them, but it didn’t go over because Brian Christopher got injured... and because Too Much wasn’t over anyway. I thought we had escaped the dreaded gay wedding forever. How wrong I was.

 

On a September edition of Smackdown, the wedding went down. The minister was an old man who talked really slow, and seemed to have Parkinson’s disease. Billy and Chuck were dressed to the nine’s, as was their stylist, Rico. When they finally got to the part where they have to say “I do,” they balked at the idea and got angry at Rico, and admitted to this all being a big publicity stunt, and yes, it did get some negative publicity. But hey, WWE really subscribes to the idea that there’s no such thing as bad publicity, don’t they?

 

The wedding was sort of saved by the slickness of RAW GM, Eric Bischoff. It turns out that the old man was Bischoff in an elaborate disguise. He told Billy and Chuck, “It doesn’t matter if the bond lasts for 20 years, 6 months... or 3 minutes.

 

Wait a minute!

 

Did I just say...3 minutes?”

 

Bischoff tore off his mask and Jamal and Rosey ran in and beat the hell out of everyone. This lead to a face push for Billy and Chuck, because, hey, they’re not gay, so they’re cool!

 

Wait a minute. Did I just feel another HHHcrap angle coming on?

 

Yes, yes I did.

 

HHH is handed the World Title

No tournament. Not even a title match. When Brock Lesnar jumped exclusively to Smackdown with his title, Eric Bischoff brought back the World title, and simply gave it to Triple H. I refuse to view the World title on the same playing field as the WWE title, until we actually get a credible champion. Triple H was awarded the title, and let his buddy Shawn have nostalgia run with it for a few months. Give it to Jericho god damn it! Or how about Booker T? Shit, even Rob Van Dam. Build it up with some matches and some angles that don’t involve fucking dead people, and then maybe I’ll buy into this second World title, because honestly, the only time I’m going to give a fuck about the belt is when HHH has it on the line against someone that might actually beat him. No, not Steiner. Somebody with talent.

 

Big Show as WWE Champion

Kurt Angle. Chris Benoit. The Guerreros. Rey Mysterio Jr. Edge. Smackdown is about work rate. So why give their world title to a guy who has absolutely NO workrate? To further put over Lesnar by having him F-5 the guy? Why couldn’t Lesnar just wrestle Benoit or somebody at Survivor Series, have Show interfere, BAM... F-5! Heyman could still turn on Lesnar, in favor of Benoit, and give him the title. Then they could have had a Benoit vs. Angle blowoff at Armageddon or the Rumble, where Angle wins the title. Then you still have Angle vs. Lesnar set up for Wrestlemania, and hey, Benoit got to hold the title!

 

Why do something logical though? This is WWE we’re talking about, where the big man rules the roost. So they put the title around that fat, worthless piece of shit’s waist... or shoulder because it won’t fit around his waist. It doesn’t matter if he’s not talented or in shape. It doesn’t matter that he’s been sent to OVW twice to lose weight but still looks the same. He’s big, so HE MUST BE GOOD! GIVE HIM THE TITLE! YAY!

 

Speaking of big men that get pushes that they don’t deserve...

 

A-Train

No, not Ice Train.

 

I thought Albert was a lame moniker. This is another guy that Jim Ross has a real hard on for. Every week in his now defunct Ross Report, he’d put him over as a future main eventer. Albert even started dressing like Steve Austin to please JR, I guess. The problem is, is that he’s 6'6, fat, and really, really hairy. He’s shown little to no talent in the ring, and shit, I can’t even remember him getting any mic time. But HE’S BIG! HE’S A HOSS, LET’S PUSH HIM OVER MATT HARDY, EVEN IF MATT HARDY IS REALLY OVER AS A HEEL AND IS GOOD IN THE RING AND VERY CHARISMATIC! JR needed his hoss fix, and he got it. Albert’s angle was that he injured Mysterio, so he got a program with his partner, Edge, who was seeking revenge on this hairy bastard. Worse things lie ahead for us though, as they’re planning on feuding this sloth with The Undertaker when he comes back. Oh yeah, those are gonna be FIVE STAR CLASSICS!

 

Somewhere along the line, someone decided that the name “Albert” was lame for a wrestler, so they came up with something even worse... A-Train. So now he has train noises in his entrance music. I guess that’s supposed to make me hate him.

 

While we’re at it, fuck all (Well, most of) the big men!

Batista, Bill DeMott, A-Train, Nathan Jones... they’re all attempts to make another Lesnar. Well, I’ve not news for you guys. There are too many of these big bastards that squash all the little guys. WWE doesn’t know why these guys aren’t getting over. Oh, I don’t know, maybe it’s because they completely suck in the ring, and there’s ALREADY another big guy who does EXACTLY what all of these hosses do, and does it a lot better than they do. Why have burgers when you can have steak?

 

This next one really hits home with me.

 

Lita on commentary

Who’s fucking moronic idea was this? Really, I want to know. Had they paid any attention to the promos Lita cut two years ago when The Hardys were breaking up for the first time? I guess not. Lita isn’t stupid or anything, like Tony Schiavone, it’s just that she has a horrible, HORRIBLE voice, that ALWAYS cracks. I’d rather hear Stephanie McMahon sing, than hear Lita scream out the name of moves, while Jonathan Coachman hits on her. How hard is it to hire a decent commentator? I’m sorry, but putting Lita on commentary is like going to the rifle range with Stevie Wonder. You just don’t do it.

 

Dawn Marie and Al Wilson

Yeah, I know this angle is still in progress, but come on, it’s fucking ridiculous, and leaving it out would be a sacrilege. The part that pisses me off the most, is that all of this crap, all of these months and months of buildup are to set up for a match between two non-wrestlers that will inevitably suck, while Benoit and Eddie Guerrero got virtually NO buildup for their ****+ match at Armageddon. Where the hell are the bookers heads? Hasn’t anyone noticed that no one gives a fuck about this angle? No, they don’t, that’s why they’re going to...

 

*SMACKDOWN SPOILER BELOW*

 

probably kill off Al Wilson, in a pathetic attempt to throw more heat to this worthless angle that benefits nobody. Man, this angle is right up there with necrophilia.

 

The wedding was one of the most anti-climactic angles of the year. Everyone was expecting some sort of run in... but nothing. All we got was Al Wilson in his underwear. That was sort of balanced out with Dawn in her underwear, but it certainly was not worth it. All this angle is, is a huge thorn in the side of EASILY the superior brand, Smackdown. This crap almost makes me yearn for Russo. ALMOST.

 

To be honest with you, Al Wilson did make me laugh. His antics had me laughing... for about 3 minutes, after which the angle should have been killed. Instead they beat the dead and decayed horse with Al Wilson in a chicken suit, Al Wilson parodying Bill Clinton, and Al Wilson dry fucking Dawn Marie in the shower. I couldn’t write shit this bad folks. So much time wasted on an angle that involves NOT ONE ACTUAL WRESTLER.

 

Other Crap that deserves a brief mention:

 

Reverend D-Von:

Alright, I actually liked D-Von in this role, but I can see why people would think it’s crap. Neither Dudley, in my eyes, are viable singles competitors, which made their split retarded to begin with.

 

Testicles

More dead horse beating. Really, how many times can you laugh at a guy calling his fans “Testicles?” Maybe I’m already sick of this joke, as wOw poster PTMidnite made up the Testicle gimmick about 2 years ago (Though he just said Test’s last name should be Ticle), but I can’t stand Test on my TV anymore. I used to be in the vast smark minority that didn’t mind him on my TV set, but his gimmick just annoys the crap out of me, and he and Stacy mix like ammonia and bleach. If they want to push Test so bad, DON’T LET HIM TALK. People give Benoit flack for coming up short on the mic... but he doesn’t come CLOSE to the sucktitude that is TEST on the mic.

 

Tommy Knoxville

This angle didn’t last long, but it deserves a short mention. WWE’s first attempt to get Tommy Dreamer over, involved him acting much like the guys from the hit MTV show Jackass. He drank water out of the toilet. He drank the blue stuff that the comb is stored in at the barber shop. He even drank his own puke, and The Undertaker’s spit. At the end of every match, he’d take a random fan’s beer and chug it. In short, it was a retarded gimmick, even for a guy that should be sitting out due to injury.

 

Wow, 2002 was loaded with a whole lot of crap. 2003 looks to be shaping up to have a lot of crappy angles as well. We’ve already had more Dawn/Al/Torrie to deal with, and who can forget the dreadful Posedown match between Triple H and Scott Steiner? Nathan Jones should bring even more crap, with his Nailz + Waylon Mercy + Outback Jack + Old School Mankind + Hoss gimmick. All we can hope for is that we don’t top Necrophilia this year, which will be damn hard to do. How much lower can WWE stoop? I guess we’ll just have to keep tuning in to find out.

 

If you don’t agree with my entries, or feel that I forgot some, hit me up here. Who knows, maybe I’ll even post your letter!

 

Peter "FakeRazor" Ramoncolor>

 

whacked Out wrestling