Tough Enough Week Two: The Season Premiere

[Guest TSMAdmin]

Hello everyone and welcome (or welcome back to those who knew about this gem last week) to the BEST Tough Enough III recap on the BEST wrestling opinion and review site on the internet!

 

“Mmm, infotainment!” -- Homer Simpson

 

Before I do anything else, I have to plug the banner-making talents of Papacita, a fellow who made me an UBER-SWANK~! banner for the SmartMarks forums, you can hit him up on AIM at Papacita05 or E-mail him at [email protected] if you've got some kind of request. Here's what he did for me:

 

 

Niiiiiiice, isn't it?

 

Thoughts on This Past Week in WWE, Since I Don’t Order NWA:TNA

 

Sunday: No Mercy was surprisingly decent PPV, but only due to the tag match and surprising HITC match carrying it. I think Dames may have written something about it.

 

On Monday I was in a black hole, so I discount anything I may have seen. Some weird-ass visions inside that maelstrom of crushing gravity, including Big Show being traded to Smackdown, Hurricane punching HHH, and then HHH being stuffed into the trunk of a car after actually buying a Kane shirt and mask to have sex with a cheerleader dummy in a funeral home.

 

Tuesday: I find out that everything I just mentioned really happened after reading JHawk’s report.

 

Wednesday: Therapy, the Brady Bill, and lack of a roadworthy car prevent me from fixing the problems that occurred on Monday.

 

Thursday: Smackdown was a good show thanks to the eight saving graces named Chavo, Eddie, Edge, Rey, Kurt, Chris, Dawn Marie’s Left, and Dawn Marie’s Right. But you don’t need to take it from me, take it from Dr. Tom, who recapped the show that DIDN’T seem like a fever dream.

 

Oh yeah, and Thursday = TOUGH ENOUGH, BAYBEE!!!

 

LAST WEEK: We got our thirteen finalists after a grueling audition rife with physical trials so harrowing that one contestant faked passing out. Not satisfied with that encapsulation? Check last week’s article for more fatigued goodness.

 

Now we can begin.

 

Different (and assumedly permanent) opening this week, with each finalist being given a little moment for themselves like The Real World, except they don’t get to talk. Instead, they get to look mean or at least try while clips of their in-ring work are spliced in. A good way to tell who’s going to last: look at how difficult the exercises are and see who’s doing them.

 

John - looks like he’s really uncomfortable.

 

Jill - extreme close-up on her face, including the extra-full lips.

 

Justin - folds his arms defiantly. For some reason, he looks weird and makes me think of onions.

 

Eric - Eric IS Randy Orton II: Electric Boogaloo!

 

Matt - channels Jeff Hardy by staring around like a crackhead and flexing his chest.

 

Nick - looks like a fighting game character.

 

Jamie - just plain unhappy.

 

Kelly - Lita Lite, for those who can’t handle accentuated angular faces.

 

Chad - has a nervous twitch in his neck.

 

Rebekah - gets the slow-motion model shot, despite being the celibate one.

 

Scott - is very indifferent.

 

Lisa - hides her psychosis nicely with a smile. For those not in the know, and this is a *SPOILER*, so if you don’t want to have a very entertaining situation ruined, just scroll down a bit to Jonah’s little intro. Stop reading... now. Reportedly, Lisa is going to go nutsobonkerscuckoo and until that goes down, I’m going to point out how Lisa is a ticking bomb.

 

Okay, you can start reading again.

 

Jonah - DARES YOU to mess with him. Why do I like Jonah so much?

 

The cinderblocks are busted into fragments by the power of the WWE logo, and off we go into...

 

Previously, on Tough Enough: People are surprised Scott made it, and the Jonah/Jill relationship is highlighted. Take a wild guess at what are going to be the focuses this week.

 

The ending of last week is shown, and the finalists are shown their house at the top of a hill looking out onto the Pacific Ocean. They all run for it, and the cameras follow them around the SWANK~! digs. How depressing for the OVW guys watching from their middle-class homes in Louisville. Each bedroom has a certain color scheme, with the red room getting the best view and a wall of windows. Jill and Jonah end up in the same room, and the other rooms are all co-ed as well. No, they aren’t trying to create conflict or romance, not at all. Nick says that beds were claimed by throwing one’s shirt onto whatever bed they wanted like urinating on a tree in the world of nature. Chad made the mistake of looking around before claiming a room, so he’s in a room with Rebekah. Largest female + largest male + both are attractive = drama, or at least I hope so. Rebekah talks about the situation, and says that her mother is rather peeved at this development, as it isn’t very Christian to share a room with a male.

 

Lisa (tick-tock, tick-tock) corrects me as she runs down the room situation, and the green room has three dudes in it. Scott and Jamie in a room should be the most interesting, as shown by Scott asking Jamie if she’s a lesbian while they’re STILL UNPACKING. Good thing they’re in the red room. It’ll hide the bloodstains of when Jamie castrates him in the night. Jill explains that her and Jonah are beyond relationship stuff, a radical change from “I hate the bastard” during the auditions. Good, because he has a girlfriend anyway... but she doesn’t know that! Go Jonah!

 

That night, hottub time, baby! Ah, bless MTV for refusing to have unattractive people cast on their programs. Jonah says Jill and him have a definite attraction, and reveals that he did in fact cheat on his girlfriend (at that time) with Jill. Hmm, a bit further than we heard last week. More seemingly forced socializing as Rebekah shows off some strips of fabric... wait a second. Oh, those are her shorts. I shall be very disappointed if we don’t see her in those at some point.

 

Now for the part of Tough Enough we can all relate to: the popularity game and who gets burned! Scott is apparently very different from everyone else (read: interesting) and is becoming a tiny problem as a result. Some are surprised that he even made it, says Rebekah, who is none too pleased with his talkativeness. Kelly says that Scott needs to know his role as far as speaking goes. Easy there, Lita-Lite. Don’t make me dislike you. Scott wears neat glasses. A discussion about San Francisco leads to Scott dropping THE DREADED MTV F-BOMB. No, not THAT F-bomb, that’s used like a comma. I mean fag. Immediately everyone shows their disdain for such discriminatory talk (because we all know that bigotry and homophobia don’t exist in the homogenous MTV world) and Scott is called ignorant, and is further buried in the interview segments as Jamie says he needs a course in how to be around other people. Hmm. Back to the homosexual discussion and Jamie asks what if she were a lesbian? Scott says that’d be great, because then he could watch some (BEEP... “lesbo” was bleeped out) action. Hmm, “lesbo” is bleeped, “fag” slides. Either way, maybe Scott could use some pointers on talking to human beings. The consensus is that Scott wants attention.

 

Okay, time to go off on a little side-track. On these style programs, I always see the denizens of the house writing and working on things in bed or on the computer. My question is: WHAT ARE THEY WORKING ON??? Their job is to eat, sleep, and train, right? I’m sure I’m a very simple explanation away from achieving clarity, but they could at least mention it. Okay, back to the show.

 

Jill bled all over her bed as she slept, due to those pesky wisdom teeth being pulled the day before she left for California. Was that really such a good idea? It was hurting when she did basic bumps last week, how is she going to handle more a more physically complex curriculum?

 

Out to Trax after a couple of days off, and Al Snow is there to tell them about this season’s way of symbolizing the contestants and the ones who fail. Each contestant spray paints their name on a part of the wall at Trax, in keeping with the grafitti motif of the place. When someone is cut or quits or is thrown in jail for having sex with a body at a funeral home, their name is painted over. Snow says that this is another way to see their motivations in watching the name writing. Scott writes his name in a really cool way (with one of those neat looping S’s for the first letter), but it’s a tad hard to read with all the names being so lumped together. Snow has him paint a regular S over the cool one.

 

Front bump time, and Bill DeMott says that they’ve had two days rest to talk about it, now they have to be about it. I would have said “boutit-boutit” myself. Some of them seem to have forgotten how to do it, as several broken necks are narrowly avoided. Jill says it hurts, but she’s come too far to quit now. Remember that later.

 

Time for something new! Front bumps, except Bill’s going to be on all fours and each person will plant their hands on his upper back to flip over, landing on their backs. For the most part, people are getting them all right, with the exceptions of people who almost do it too athletically and land on their feet or on their asses. Jill’s mouth pain causes her to bail on every attempt, even when she’s held vertically by Snow and let go she still tries to land on her feet. If she can’t fix this, we know who’s going first...

 

... if Scott hadn’t been born. Scott manages to go backwards every time, and ends up landing on his head after clubbing Bill’s back with his flailing legs. He messes up the first time, and Bill GLARES DAGGERS into him. He messes up a second time, and oh boy... Bill’s hair goes blond, his eyes turn green, and a SUPER BADASS is born. He pins Scott to the mat and after making Scott his bitch, screams that he won’t have his career ended because Scott was a dumbass.

 

Line(s) of the Night: Scott, as the footage of being admonished by Bill is shown: “Bill makes me... very uncomfortable.” Hey, I was on the floor after that, and that’s good enough for the Line of the Night honors, if there hadn’t been a SECOND one right after it, this one by Snow: “I think the lesson we learned here today kids, is not to land on Bill.” Sound advice.

 

THE JACKASS MOVIE OPENS TOMORROW!!!! I’m SO there.

 

Jill’s got problems. She’s more in the mindset of wanting to go home now, and Bill asks her if she wants to leave during a rest break. She says no, sort of. We don’t get much time for that, as Scott’s Bumping Follies continue. I double the speed of the tape and play the theme from The Benny Hill Show. BILL GETS AN INTERVIEW CLIP FINALLY, calls Scott a human cartoon as well as a spaz, and I mark so hard it hurts. Bill explains to Scott just how this flipping thing works, but Scott still reminds me of the Tether Boy that Mike Meyers used to play on Saturday Night Live. Reactions from fellow trainees in interview clips show that Scott’s approval rating is plummeting since they have to all sit and watch him screw up time and time again because someone gave him sugar and his mother says he isn’t supposed to have sugar because it makes him hyper and... Scott screws up again.

 

The day of work is over, and back home everyone goes. Scott calls home, but quickly gets into an argument with his father over coming home for college and abandoning this wrestling idea. Wow, Scott sure does sound whiny when he yells at his father. Scott tells his father not to tell anyone about this, because he could be convicted of breach of contract. Hmm, I’m wondering what that contract entails now, beyond the obvious of not letting anyone know who’s been cut or whatnot.

 

Okay, enough of Scott, time for Jonah and Jill! They’re standing on the stairwell of the house for no reason whatsoever when Jonah says that Jill is beautiful and that’s why he’s always looking at her. Sound logic, sez I. Ohhhhh, I see now. They were waiting to go out for Big’s birthday. I was wondering why he was conspicuously absent. They head to some restaurant, and more about Scott’s outsider-ness is commented on, this time by Big himself. Funny little anecdotes are also related at the dinner table, like how Scott doesn’t knock when someone’s in the can, says Jamie. Scott zings her right back by telling everyone she has pierced nipples. One moment for me to cringe... and we’re back, and everyone is laughing. Scott knows he’s the oddball of the group. Big asks everyone who’s going to quit, because each year so far at least two people have quit. They all say they won’t quit, and Jill toasts with the rest of them, as if Big’s remark about quitting being a disservice to everyone actually registered with her. Scott decides that he’s going to remedy the problems of the day by getting sloshed. After dinner, OFF TO DA CLUB, BAYBEE~!

 

Everyone returns home to see... Scott passed out on the couch. No one thinks he’s for real and that he’s doing it for attention. I guess they didn’t see the row of shot glasses Scott was staring lustily at earlier. Scott stumbles to the bathroom and relieves himself with the door open, which I wholeheartedly endorse, granted no one else is home. While Scott takes a leak, the ENTIRE HOUSE engages in a bitching session about him, in groups of three or four. Justin says that the house is not happy with Scott.

 

For some reason, an alligator fighting a bottle of Sunny Delight is HILARIOUS.

 

The Alpha Males sit at breakfast and discuss the Jonah/Jill cheating situation way back when. They talk about Jonah’s current girlfriend... and he shuts them up as Jill walks nearby. So much for secrecy, because Jonah lets out that he has a girlfriend to Jill’s face a minute later. She calls him a scumbag, and I just call him an idiot. She walks away from the conversation and goes to her room... which she shares with Jonah. Ouch. Next we see her on the phone with her father, and she says she just wants to go home. Father tries to get her back into it by asking her if she wants to win, but she says she doesn’t want to be there period, let alone win. She tells her father that it’s like “a crazy-ass boot camp.” Okay, the first season was the last time this was a valid excuse. Don’t people WATCH this show before they try to go on it? She makes the call to Big... and we head to Trax the next morning.

 

Big tells the group that Jill has QUIT! Jill is instructed to pull her chair out in front of the group while each of the remaining twelve address her. Kelly says that it’s bull because she saw people struggling through the run on the final day of the audition week who wanted it more than Jill did. Rebekah is glad that she has less competition. Jonah tells her to do what makes her happy, but he wishes she’d not quit. Then... it’s Big’s turn. Big RIPS HER A NEW ONE. Geez, why didn’t they do this the last two seasons? Big says that he was duped into letting someone in after he sent seven people home crying who wanted it worse than her. He says she conned him and lied to him. she spits on him, he spits back. He ends this verbal raping with “Get up and leave.” DAMN. I do like the public execution-style treatment given to the quitters though. It’s different with people who have had to quit in the past due to injuries, they couldn’t help it.

 

Snow says not to feel sorry for her, because she wasted everyone’s time. Ivory agrees, getting her two words of the episode in. Snow says that her name is not worthy of being with the other twelve, so he busts out the RED spray paint and covers her name. Okay, so one half of our episode has been resolved with the quitting of Jill. What about Scott?

 

Scott says he won’t be remembered as a quitter like Jill. He’s still messing up the bumps, and it’s really sad now. Snow reminds him that he’s 21, not 12, and not to let it beat him. Scott then gets a round of applause from the group and myself when he FINALLY gets it!!! Score one for original people! Chad says that Scott steps on people’s toes, but he doesn’t mean to. Eric says that Scott does dumb things for attention, and Nick says the next few weeks will be interesting as everyone gets used to Scott’s weird ways. All the while, Scott is shown eating with a HUGE mouthful of food and washing his clothes in the bathtub. Atta boy. He says that there’s a conspiracy going on, but they don’t show what he was talking about. If he was saying it was the rest of the house against him, I’d say he was right. Scott is my hero.

 

NEXT WEEK: Lisa (tick-tock, tick-tock) causes a disturbance in the house, and Scott may have hurt himself playing volleyball.

 

See everyone next week!

 

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Patrick Spoon