Tough Enough Week Four: What Happened to Three?

[Guest TSMAdmin]

Okay folks, I’m back after a week where I had an involuntary hiatus. Since I, like many of you reading this, had other stuff to do besides watch TV on Halloween, I set my VCR to record Tough Enough. Unfortunately, I had yet to fix my VCR to go along with the time change two weekends ago. So I got Dismissed instead of Tough Enough. I tried to catch the replay on Sunday night before Heat, but a laundry list of problems in my home kept that from happening. There, now everyone knows why the BEST Tough Enough and non-Raw/Smackdown recap was lacking from the Internet this week.

 

Last Week: I TOLD ALL OF YOU!! Lisa went nutsobonkerscuckoo, but MTV used some slick editing to cover up the fact that she was out of her bloody mind and simply had Big say she had suddenly quit. The other contestants took a very Darwinian approach to it, saying it was one less person to worry about. Jonah impersonated Bill as part of a wager with Matt, and Scott tore a ligament in his thumb. Did I mention that Jonah looked decent in that bathing suit?

 

What? You weren’t thinking that too?

 

Hey! Come back!

 

Also, and I know this is piddling, but Big drove up to the house in a 2002 MUSTANG GT VERT!!! WHAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!! Big knows his cars.

 

This week’s review brought to you by: Generic store-brand buttermilk biscuits. Mmm, mmm good!

 

Interesting Note: They keep the people who leave the show in the opening. I don’t think they did this with other seasons, but I could be wrong. Now when you see Lisa’s smile, you can see her snapping on the inside. Kinda beautiful in a chaotic way.

 

PREVIOUSLY, on Tough Enough: Wait a second, Rebekah was hardly discussed last week. Ugh, I hate when they revise and edit to the wants of the focus of the particular week. Anyways, Rebekah says that God wants her to be a WWE superstar, and Kelly mentions Rebekah’s previous Hooters job. What, did she go for there for the wings or something? Scott messed up his thumb too.

 

Scott tells us all what we knew anyway about his thumb, and it will take 6-8 weeks to heal. He won’t let that hold him back though. Scott’s got the desire, gotta give him that. He’ll look goofy working out with that big cast on though.

 

At Trax, Al shows the gang what a standing hiptoss is. The males all look about even taking it, and the females look awkward for the most part. Ivory says that Jonah makes a big sound when he hits the mat. Yet another reason to like Jonah: He BRINGS THE NOISE~! and has WWE’s resident MILF speaking good things of him. Al says Jonah has a lot of potential also. That’s my boy! Chad looks... odd taking hiptosses, which is to say he sucks at them. I mean, dudes that are six feet, nine inches tall don’t really do that much. Just ask any hoss. Bill tells us about Chad’s nickname of “Beaker,” after the tall, incomprehensible Muppet of the same name. Chad says “meme, me, mememememe memememe!” and blows himself up in a science experiment. Not really, he just says that he mostly lacks a wrestling personality, and Al reveals that Bill and him are trying to get Chad to crack just a little, because Chad reminds him of a car salesman.

 

Back at the house, Jonah and Eric ask Scott about his thumb injury, and you can tell they’re glad that he hurt himself the same day they had to wear those bathing suits. Scott says he won’t let the pain stop him again. I’m worried about Scott’s attitude, as it seems he’s willing to kill himself for this. Can’t say he didn’t want it less than anyone, I suppose. Rebekah tells Justin how she feels she’s there more for herself, and thus doesn’t really feel a need to get along with everyone. Jonah (who has shorter hair in the interview cutaways) confirms that she’s been withdrawn from everyone. Rebekah says how she probably would not be friends with these people at home, and how some people just aren’t people of faith. Uh oh. She’s shown highlighting passages in her Bible and saying that people won’t come to God.

 

“Sometimes Maude highlights passages in my Bible when she can’t find hers!” -- Ned Flanders

 

Rebekah is shown on the phone with her aunt, saying that she isn’t feeling any Christian fellowship or anything in the house. Thus it is more important for her to read her scripture and pray. I wonder if she keeps Chad up at night with her reading light and the highlighter fumes. Rebekah closes this little segment by saying she’s a Christian, and she’s going to try to do the right thing always and be the best she can be. Aww, how... something. You’ll see why I act this way as you read on.

 

Enough of that, time for some levity! Justin says on Saturday night they all went out to eat at a Brazilian steakhouse. I also notice Nick has a lisp. I had no clue such things existed. Truckloads of meat are brought to the table on kebobs, of all different varieties and cuts. Big decides to have a meat-eating competition. This whole betting and competitiveness is getting old with me, but I’ll gladly watch Jonah kick some ass in anything. It’s Jonah v. Matt v. Justin v. Chad. Chad goes down first. Then Matt. Justin and Jonah (with his SWANK~! black shirt) stuff themselves almost endlessly, with Jonah even having trouble keeping the food down. Justin finally gives up, but Jonah isn’t exactly a winner. Matt says Jonah came out on top... but then went to the bathroom and puked his brains out, which is made even funnier by the sudden cut to Jonah doubled over in a bathroom stall. He pukes like a MAN. I’m disturbed by how much I endorse everything Jonah does. The situation is made even funnier with Chad saying “Awwwwww!” in the next stall. Jonah admits how dumb it was to not give up immediately so he could just enjoy his food. See, even when he has egg on his face, Jonah still shines. Okay, enough of that.

 

After eating, the gang heads to Miyagi’s, an Asian-themed bar. Chad says it’s good to get out and unwind with dancing and such. Rebekah says that when they go out, they need to be careful to enjoy themselves, but also take care so as not to soil their personal appearance and reputation. Kelly is confused by Rebekah’s insistence on ladylike behavior and its conflict with her actual behavior. In this case, Rebekah mounts the bar and dances like a stripper! Whaaaaaaaaaat! She’s a wiggly little minx too. I seem to remember her having more junk in the trunk than that though. Ah well. Amazing what gets by with a TV-PG rating. Kelly wants to call her a hypocrite, and John says that Rebekah moulds her beliefs to what she wants and calls it Christian. Go John!

 

Because Scott hasn’t done anything to make the house dislike him this week yet, he decides, once again, to drink his problems with the thumb away. Bill has to keep him from drinking more, and I have to pause the tape to marvel at Bill’s awesome shirt. Bill and Jonah RULE this show. Scott looks super-sloshed as they leave the bar, and is shown staggering into the house. He has WET HIMSELF. Justin makes me dislike him even more by pointing this out like a fourth grader. Don’t worry Scott, I’ve been there too. Nothing to be ashamed of. Scott passes out on his bed face down while different people come in and laugh at it.

 

Justin notices that Scott isn’t really conscious, and is shaking. The laughter ends. Paramedics show up and take him away. Talk about Real World flashbacks.

 

Uber-Obvious Observation Of The Week: Extreme Ops is going to be laughably bad.

 

Scott returns the next morning with little bandages all over him. Kelly and Justin discuss how he had alcohol poisoning, and Scott says it was the biggest learning experience of his life, being hooked up to all kinds of machines and such to keep him alive. He says he isn’t going to drink any more. I hope he sticks by that.

 

Now we get our “MTV: Fight For Your Rights” moment for this show, as Nick relates Scott’s story about being in the Asian Club while in school. Rebekah plays the reverse racism card, saying that if she had started a White Club, there’d be trouble. Scott says that’d be fine with him. The argument goes back and forth, and only serves to erode Rebekah’s reputation in the house further. Somehow her job at Hooters comes up, but Rebekah pretty much shoves her foot in her mouth repeatedly, then says in a cutaway how Scott flaunts his ethnicity. Suuuuuure he does. This is the first anything has been said about it, now shut the hell up. I’m really cheesed with Rebekah right now.

 

At Trax, Big and Al ask Scott about the status of his thumb. I pause my writing for a moment and realize just how little of the actual training has been shown so far. Anyways, Scott says in a cutaway that he’ll amputate his hand if he needs to in order to win this, because he won’t quit. Ehh, just take a Kurt Angle moonsault on your forearm, it has the same effect. Just ask Bob Holly, who was a trainer for last year’s Tough Enough, which was stationed in Los Angeles also, nearby which is Hollywood, where Paramount Studios is located, the very studio that put out Footloose, which starred KEVIN BACON!

 

I will now absorb the applause for proving that even Bob Holly is six degrees from Kevin Bacon now.

 

Okay, back to the review.

 

Al questions why Scott would want to remove his brace if there was no reason to remove it and if it won’t hamper his training. Scott doesn’t come out and tell them his reasons, but inside they go anyway. Inside, yet another silly competition is thought of, as Jonah claims he can pin anyone there. Wait, if Jonah came up with it, it’s okay! Nick, John, Jonah, and Scott are shown wriggling around in the ring. Jonah and Al both say how it was supposed to be amateur style, but they pretty much failed, as it looked horrible. John, while grappling with Scott, slammed him to the mat face first, knocking Scott out for a moment. He says he’s okay when Al asks him, and Ivory asks if we can have one day where Scott doesn’t end up at the hospital. Morbidly good point there. John says that it was the dumbest thing they could have done, as Scott was hurt, Jonah was hurt, and the other two were just generally banged up. Jonah got so light-headed from a grapevine John put him in, he pukes his guts out again.

 

More front bumps. Jonah returns from the bathroom and attempts to get back into the training, but Big, Ivory, and Al all say “NO POBO!!” and Jonah is forced to sit and watch for a little while lest he puke on the mat. He’s upset, as he feels that every time someone has to sit out, it sets them back a little bit.

 

So much for training. Back to the house, and Chad says that Rebekah has a lot of tough stuff going on with her family right now. Here’s where I need to stop watching for a moment and go off on MTV for the same stuff that WWE is guilty of right now. They can’t keep pulling this even-steven bull with every character. You made her look like a totally conceited, bigoted, and hypocritical person earlier, now you want us to feel sorry for her? I don’t buy it, much the same as I don’t buy WWE’s refusal to let anyone truly get over anyone else. All records have to be even, all jobs returned. It doesn’t work like this. When they did it with Wendell by playing sympathetic music after he was kicked out I thought they were trying to get a laugh out of me, but I see that they buy into the Russo-ific idea that shades of gray = RATINGS!!

 

Back to the review. I keep getting sidetracked this week. Rebekah is on the phone with her aunt again, and her mother’s house is being foreclosed on tomorrow. Hmm. She gets upset and wishes she was there to help, and also says that her family problems are starting to affect her training now. Aunt says that it’s part of God’s will or something while Jamie says that Rebekah is very family-oriented. Naw, really? Where has Jamie been, anyway? I missed Aztec woman this whole episode.

 

Hey, we’re at Trax again! Great! Big tells the contestants that it’s been a good two weeks so far, but this is a competition, and as such, there will be a cut the next day. Matt says that instantly you look to the people next to you and think that they’re better, Scott says that he’s gone for sure.

 

3-South premiered after this show. What was wrong with Undergrads? I can almost guarantee that was a better show than this one about the now fairly common subject of new college freshmen.

 

Nick and Justin think Scott will be cut first, and Justin digs his grave with me further by saying “This is Tough Enough! Wetting your pants isn’t tough!” Lita-Lite, I mean Kelly, says that Rebekah probably hopes she’ll be cut so she can be with her family. John thinks Chad will go first, because he isn’t really feeling him in the ring. And the Undertaker manages to get a catchphrase over that was never even uttered on TV... Matt says that Scott is starting to let his personality out. An example is shown, as Scott shows Al the Drunken Tiger Punch, which is really a bunch of elaborate karate yells with blows that miss by a mile, but actually hits Al. Scott says he hasn’t really learned how to throw a fake punch yet, but shows Al how he was supposed to sell it, throwing himself into a corner and convulsing. Bill asks him if he ate paint chips as a kid. Scott’s reply: “I might not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I’m the brightest crayon in the box!”

 

SCOTT RULES THE WORLD.

 

Front bumps again, and Jonah’s got some major problems. He’s getting worse with every attempt. And I mean he’s just AWFUL. He says he’s thinking about it too much, and Bill tells him not to think about it. Jonah’s next attempt has him LANDING ON BILL’S HEAD. Bill is all right, but doesn’t jack Jonah into the canvas like he did Scott for some reason. I’d say he was in too much shock not to. Big tells the contestants that it’s time for some PT(Physical Training) in the mountains. Ivory tells them they’re going to do a workout that’s about a nine out of ten. Big says that if Jonah can get one front bump right, they only have to do a 6.5 out of ten difficulty PT session. Must we keep wagering? Well, Jonah gets into the ring... and messes it up again. Bill angrily asks the contestants if he did it right or wrong, and everyone groans.

 

Last season had Optimum Fitness on the beach, this season has PT in some dry-ass valley with rocks and sand and bramble and... let’s just say it isn’t the place to go if you aren’t serious. Doubt me? This training is hard-CORE. They carry big punching bags on their shoulders while negotiating some cones, and when Nick misses one, Bill makes them all get down and do twenty-five pushups. Ivory can blow her whistle at will, and when that happens, you do either situps, pushups, or hill climbers. Ivory says that the group is about to kill Jonah for not getting that bump right earlier. I would too if I were them and he wasn’t so damn cool. There’s running, jumping, squatting, and Bill (who’s pimping the Hurricane shirt again) says that they’ll do this every Tuesday, and that this was the easiest day they will ever have of this. Kelly looks like she’s about to die, she’s in absolute agony.

 

Back at Trax, Big, Ivory, Bill, and Al discuss the remaining contestants:

 

Rebekah: Gives it her all, has a great look for WWE.

John: The most fundamentally sound trainee there.

Jamie: Naturally aggressive.

Eric: He’s got it, they like how he looks.

Matt: Seems born to be in the ring.

Justin: They’d like to see what happens.

Scott: His biggest disadvantage is his lack of emotional maturity.

Jonah: Came in cocky, but doesn’t know nearly as much as he thought he did, and could be lost in such a new environment.

Kelly: Isn’t performing as well as the other competitors.

Chad: For a six foot, ten inch tall guy, there’s nothing there.

Nick: Lacks an internal aggression, soft.

 

The cutting process is AGONIZING. Everyone must stand in front of their chairs, and Al will tell each contestant whether they can sit or whether they are cut.

 

Everyone is told to sit down in the beginning, then Al gets to Jonah about five people in. He stares at him for a minute and finally says to sit down. My pick is still alive! He’d better shape up and FAST, though. Eventually, Nick, Chad, and Scott are left standing. Nick is told to sit down, and my heart is about to explode. Odd how I’ve become so attached to these people by just reviewing their television program. I don’t want to see Chad or Scott go, but I’d MUCH rather Chad be cut. Al stares at Chad and Scott over and over again while Who Wants to be a Millionaire-style music plays. I’m screaming at my television now to END THE SUSPENSE!!!! Finally, after what feels like a million years but is more like ten seconds, Chad is cut! But wait, Scott hasn’t been told to sit down yet! Aw crap! Please don’t cut him... Scott is told he can sit down. YAY!

 

Chad is cool with it, and knew that when it was down to him and Scott, he was screwed. He says that despite being physically destroyed, it was the best experience of his life. Al notes that this business isn’t about freakish size, it’s about talent, and Chad just didn’t have it, despite being 6’10”.

 

Somewhere, huddled in front of a television, wearing an Oklahoma Sooners foam dome and OU sweatshirt, a man cries in his barbeque ribs dinner, by God.

 

NEXT WEEK: We’ve got DRAWMUH~! out the wazoo. Kelly keeps getting hurt, Rebekah secludes herself more and more, and Jamie cries a lot. Jonah says she might snap and quit, and it wouldn’t surprise him.

 

See everyone next week!

 

Patrick Spoon

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