Tough Enough Week Five: Teen DRAWMUH~!

[Guest TSMAdmin]

Hidelee-ho, reader-inos! Time, once again, for the Tough Enough III recap, from the mind of yours truly (after a few drinks, that is).

 

Big stuff went down in this week’s episode, but first, a few tidbits that struck my fancy.

 

I Finally Order NWA:TNA: Finally, in week 21, I bit the bullet and plunked down $9.95 for this new alternative to WWE. It wasn’t horrible, but it wasn’t mind-blowing either. It did however show the strict sanctions put on WWE performers, as the offenses of the NWA:TNA roster were very unique, except for those who just plain suck (Brian Lawler and The Harris Brothers, for example). A promotion I hope gets a TV deal soon, if only so I don’t have to pay extra to see it, as I was entertained fairly decently for its two hour program.

 

WWE Week on Blind Date: You people didn’t think I’d let THIS slip through the cracks, did you? Me, the loser bloke who wrote an analysis of dating shows? And all former Tough Enough contestants? Puh-LEAZE! Here’s what I thought of each person:

Christopher Nowinski: Um... didn’t see it, but rather listened to it in the next room. He seemed interesting enough.

Nidia: Um, Jamie Knoble interrupting the date? LAME. No more comment. Oh yeah, I’d hit Nidia if I got the chance, and that was BEFORE she was the slutty trailer park character.

Jackie Gayda: One I was actually looking forward to, as I would so hit that if I had a chance. I’d just try to ignore her mole. Anyways, total bitch who’s let very, VERY moderate fame go to her head terribly. I mean, she took HOURS to reject the poor dude she was with.

Linda Miles: Hey, she’s cute too, but I’m no match for the dude she was with. She came off as a totally normal person, and clicked like mad with the guy.

Maven: Maven rules the world. He was Jonah before there was a Jonah. I just get this thing from Maven that makes me want to watch him on my television, and he’s a totally down to earth fellow. I think all males would be well served to be more like Maven. FEAR THE MAVEKICK~! (Those who post on the forums, specifically the WWE folder, will get that one.)

 

I Get Feedback!: A reader who will remain nameless to protect them from the wrath of my legions of fans wrote me to tell me that last week was actually week THREE of the program, not week FOUR, as my title and subsequent recap said. Well, this same kind of question befell Dames pertaining to his NWA:TNA reviews (which are extremely good and were the only way I kept track of the show before actually ordering it this week), and I give the same answer as him, sort of. I keep track of the weeks in my own special way, with the Casting Special being the first week, and every week thereafter being numbered accordingly. I don’t buy that “Season Premiere” garbage they throw at us, because week two WASN’T A PREMIERE OF ANY KIND. I hope this answers your concerns, Black Tiger. Oops, I guess I did say his name. Barricade your doors and windows, and construct pillboxes outside of your house to fend off the hordes.

 

Also, Bob Barron of 411wrestling fame told me that they did indeed show all the contestants in the opener the other two seasons as well. Thanks for the information, as for some reason I thought they did it like The Real World and eliminated people from the opener.

 

I’m Mentioned Elsewhere!: In Dr. Tom’s Midweek News (which I would link to but news is a fairly current thing, and this is being written three days after said news was current), a reader of his asked what NO POBO!! meant. THE TRUE STORY OF “NO POBO!!,” COURTESY OF THE ORIGINAL STORY OF MY TRIP TO WASHINGTON D.C.:

 

“I went into a dry cleaner, where the possible funniest moment of the trip went down. I asked the woman in the back if she had a phone and phone book I could use. She couldn’t hear me over the washing machines at first, so she came closer to where I was standing, and asked me to repeat myself. I asked again, and she immediately looked really pissed and told me:

 

“NO POBO!!!!!!!”

 

I’m not Chinese(well, 1/4) nor do I claim to know the language, so I have to assume that Pobo(pronounced Po-Bow, as in an archery bow) meant phone book. Either that or she was cursing at me. Anyone able to tell me what Pobo means? This also still troubles me, but has become a running gag with myself. I think I’ll suggest Dames, DrTom, JHawk, MrRant, RetroRob, hell, anyone who does reviews of any kind to incorporate “NO POBO!!!” into their reviews, perhaps when someone no-sells or kicks out. For instance: “Jericho gets the Lionsault on HHH, but HHH says ‘NO POBO!!!’ and Jericho only gets two, thereby killing his finisher.” I foresee “NO POBO!!!” becoming the new INTENSE~!”

 

There you go, taken from the original post on the forums on September 17th of this year.

 

I have finally run out of things to say that you’d give two shits about (although my personal life is just as interesting as you can imagine... hey, shut up). Time for the review!!!!

 

LAST WEEK: Rebekah, Partying Christian For Hire (she does weddings, bar mitzvahs, and pretty much any occasion with booze and music!), cried a lot and managed to wall herself off from the rest of the contestants. Jonah nearly gave me a heart attack by screwing up front bumps and almost getting cut, Scott drank himself nearly to death, the first day of PT had Bill kicking more ass than ever before, and Chad was cut.

 

BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM!!!!!! WWE TOUGH ENOUGH!!!! Wait a second, there’s a velociraptor! It uses the same claws that were used on the Jurassic Park III to clarify that this is NOT a rerun, it is indeed Tough Enough III. Whew.

 

What MTV wants to focus on this week, er, I mean, “Previously, on Tough Enough”: Some guy named Chad got his name spray painted over on a wall, Rebekah has issues, and Jamie says she’s not an ugly girl.

 

Why do I not have a good feeling about ANY of this? By the way, thought everyone should know that Rebekah is going to be my target this week, as she pissed me off pretty well last week, and if they’re going to keep with her, then I’ll start slinging insults that I held back with last week.

 

This week’s show starts off with a report card of sorts...

 

... as we start out at Trax, and Bill marvels at how great this group of guys are. I agree. Matt’s got “it,” Justin and Nick have bodies (um... okay), Eric brings the shape (not to be confused with body), Jonah BRINGS THE STYLE~!, and Scott BRINGS THE PERSONALITY~!. Bill puts John over big time, saying that he has a personality that needs to be brought out, but he wants this. Ivory says that only three girls are left, but that’s how WWE is, accelerated and fast. Someone remind me of that when Big Show and Brock Lesnar face off this Sunday at Survivor Series. Lita-Lite, I mean Kelly, says that she’s giving it her all. Al says that she’s got heart, and that Jamie has aggression. Is it of the ruthless variety? Jamie says that she might not have the body for WWE, but she has the mind. I wonder if they’ve leveled with the females and told them what WWE really wants in their women.

 

Ivory says that Rebekah needs to come out of her shell a little, but she’d be great for WWE. Rebekah likes the odds of God wanting her to be a WWE worker. So now the Almighty’s will is a Vegas commodity. Good one, ‘Bekah! She says that there could be more to her life than being a church mouse. If the church needs any pole dancers, she’s up to that challenge as well. Big tells the other trainers about Rebekah’s mother’s house being foreclosed on and literally driven away, as it’s a trailer. Rebekah’s mother has done nothing to annoy me, so I’ll leave her alone. Big’s goatee reminds me of some kind of food, but I don’t know what exactly.

 

So much for Trax, back to the house we go, a house that would be hard as balls to drive away with. The guys are all shown being nice and domestic in the kitchen, and Jamie suddenly blurts out that Nick has the best ass in the house. From the limited footage we’ve seen thus far, I’m inclined to agree. Kelly reveals that Jamie enlisted her to keep her in line and make sure she doesn’t look like the wild child of the house. Good job, Kelly. You’re still a fox though. Jamie continues to be really annoying (but annoying in the talkative high school girl way, you know, the ones who could never shut up about their personal preferences), saying she’d hook up with John if...

 

A: This wasn’t a competition.

B: He was single.

C: He liked her.

 

Remind me again why we care what she says about this? She quickly dismisses Jonah with a “nah.” WHOA NOW. You do NOT insult the Co-House God that way. Jonah > everyone except Scott. Jonah takes offense to this as well, as he is WELL aware of how much he rules. Jamie is shown acting like a total teenager while she says she tries to talk like she’s a loose woman, but she really isn’t. The clips shown as she speaks are a RIOT, as Jonah is making all sorts of aghast faces at her when she turns her back. She’s wearing a shirt with “Jamieson” on it. So... where are the Bushwhackers? Jonah is repulsed at her sight. John says she’s an attention grabber and wants constant approval. Let’s see how they resurrect Jamie’s image from Attention Whore to Sympathetic Character by the end of the show.

 

Rebekah is talking to her aunt on the phone again, and the motherly foreclosure is still a hot topic of conversation. She says how the thought of her mother standing there with her things being taken away in front of her eyes is heartbreaking. I actually think it’s pretty funny, mostly because I envision a cartoonish old woman wearing a nightgown, pink rabbit slippers, and hair curlers standing in a cloud of dust kicked up by a moving truck speeding away with banjo and fiddle music playing. Rebekah’s aunt asks if she will stay on the show in light of all of this. Rebekah says she doesn’t know. Must ALL of my targets leave the moment I get warmed up with them?

 

Next morning, Eric eats Honey Nut Cheerios. Good man, although the back of that cereal box wasn’t nearly as engrossing as he made it look. Rebekah sits away from the breakfast table, staring into space, and says how she isn’t surrounded by Christian people. I’d hate to see how she fares outside of the Western Hemisphere with all of those ratty sub-humans. At Trax, she starts crying, and tells Big her heart is at home. Good lord, what a weak person. Had she no idea that this would be the slightest bit difficult and that she’d have to, you know, leave home to train? Besides, if I were her, I’d realize that going home would in no way help her mother’s monetary situation, unless she has some hidden Swiss bank account we aren’t hearing about. I smell a quitter coming on.

 

3-South was NOT the stinker I thought it would be. I was pleasantly surprised by a show not as good as Undergrads, but still absolutely hilarious for those who like the kind of style that Family Guy put forth, which I do.

 

Also, I wish a swift and brutal death upon the woman in the Gateway adverts. Seriously, I want a WAY to kill her and get her off of my television. They show that goddamn advert on my SEC football every Saturday on CBS, and it’s enough to make me change the channel away from my beloved Tennessee Volunteers. And no, feedback telling me my foolhardiness in team choice will not be honored or responded to.

 

Rebekah is still talking to Big, and she says she just isn’t in it right now. Big is disappointed in her quitting. She has a little farewell address to the group, hoping she didn’t disappoint the trainers, and saying that everyone will be in her prayers, “except for Scott and Nick, the two dirty Chinks.” Okay, so she didn’t say that, but would you be surprised if she did? Didn’t think so. Eric says it isn’t a situation like Jill’s, because Rebekah gave a full effort, and Jill didn’t even give it a chance. I will agree with that, as Rebekah did put forth maximum effort from what I saw. Her personality just left so much to be desired. After she says goodbye to everyone and dries up her lacrimal glands, she takes her leave. I wish her family the best, but hope she someday pays for her two-faced behavior.

 

Kelly and Jamie are the last two females, and Kelly says that she’s got an extra edge she gets when she’s under pressure. I hope she wins the female side, if they’re doing it that way this year. Wait, what IS the deal? Are there two winners, or only one? And if there are two, is there one male and one female? Go Lita-Lite, because Jamie’s just plain annoying.

 

A limo pulls up to Trax, the door opens, and in comes Tommy Dreamer(!!!), with a cane and what I guess would be the Hardcore title, considering when this was filmed, which is never shown again. Big reflects on Dreamer’s name and its appropriateness to the competition. The contestants look like little kids staring at Dreamer. He runs down his laundry list of injuries sustained, and ECW actually gets a mention. Next, he gives what is probably the most emotional and powerful address of any of the WWF/WWE workers to the contestants of any season. His father has had Parkinson’s Disease, and was blind, but had surgery to restore his sight, and had 20/20 vision just long enough to see Dreamer and Rob Van Dam’s run-in on the instant classic July 9th, 2001 Raw, Dreamer’s greatest moment of his career. Dreamer is visibly holding back a waterfall of emotion as he says his father got to see him live his dream out. I really can’t relay how really powerful this story was in this recap, but needless to say, if you saw or are going to see it in the replay, you WILL have a hard time holding your own tears back. Dreamer is SO what’s right about everything in professional wrestling. The group is in total awe.

 

Scott says how he’s a big fan of hardcore matches, getting hit with things, stuff like that. He says it’d be an honor to get caned by the Innovator of Violence himself. Jonah can’t help but rule the world again by saying “Yeah, great idea! Cane Scott!” Dreamer makes sure that Scott wants this. Scott does! And boy, does Scott get it. Dreamer just FLATTENS Scott with a shot across the back with the cane at full force. Scott is in pain. The other contestants laugh. Remind me to watch Jackass this week, as this little incident reminded me that I keep forgetting when it’s on. He says that it was the worst pain he’d ever felt in his life, and the group gets to see the red mark it left across his back. Al asks if it’s still an honor. Scott’s hurting so much, he stammers out that it still was, and Al laughs. The group thanks Dreamer for coming to talk to them. I’d want to thank him too, he’s the best guest they’ve ever had on there.

 

Big says that John is in the best shape of anyone there, and could probably run circles around the rest of the contestants. His problem is that he’s trying to go a little too fast with his training. John says he wants to learn high-flying stuff and be known for stuff you don’t see every day, rather than stuff anyone can do. Guess he’s trying out for the wrong company, where “punch” and “kick” are 80% of the offense just in the main event, let alone the shorter jobber matches. Jamie feels she’s falling behind. Kelly takes a bump and injures herself by landing in just the wrong way, with her hips going one way, and her shoulders the other. She says she’ll keep working through this weird little spinal episode.

 

Trax is left behind for the cozy confines of La Casa del Tough. Trouble a-brewin’. I can tell. You know how? Because Eric, Jonah, and Justin are going out. Whenever anyone in the house goes out for any reason whatsoever, some shit goes down, whether it be Scott passing out, Scott almost dying, Rebekah making men across the nation pitch a tent, Jonah and Eric being forced to wear women’s swimsuits, or Lisa going nutsobonkerscuckoo. As a side note, if any of these Tough Enough folk make it, and they get a shoot interview one day with RF Video or whatever, I want to hear the real story about Lisa. Anyways, so three of the guys are going out, and Jamie wants to come along. Problem is that she can’t decide what to wear. Geesh, she’s 16, I’m TELLING YOU! Nick delivers the Line O’ The Night when Jamie comes into his room to ask him and a couple of other guys what they think of her outfit:

 

“Aw, Jesus! You look great, now get the hell out of my room, for the love of God.”

 

Nick will receive a Hickory Farms gift basket, with all sorts of sausages and cheeses, as well as a Pepperidge Farm product gift certificate, with which to buy dessert! All this can be yours, iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiif The Price Is Right!! Okay, someone likes his 11 AM CBS programming a bit too much.

 

Nick says he’s here to, um...

 

... But seriously, can you really deny the power of The Price Is Right? It’s got BOB F’N BARKER on it, an ever-rotating stable of hotties that he gets to call Barker’s Beauties, he uses an old school microphone with the long handle, and the games RULE. Pity they got rid of Rod Roddy as the announcer. This new guy can’t quite hack it, but he comes close. Nothing will ever match Rod’s “A NEW CAR!!” or the excitement that would rush through your veins every time he described how to get tickets, thinking to yourself, “It’s that simple? I pray for the day I can be called to ‘Come on down!’ and be offered all sorts of cash and prizes in scintillating games of chance and skill!” PLINKO~! Can you tell me, with a straight face, that PLINKO~! doesn’t rule the whole motherfucking world, more than a billion Jonahs and Scotts fused together into one gigantic Sco-nah ball of flesh? Coming in a close second is Hole in One... OR TWO!!! TWO, I SAY!!!! You THINK you’ve exhausted your chances, but BOB F’N BARKER rules PLINKO~! and thus the entire universe, so he just slaps that game and it COUGHS UP another shot at being a part of game show LEGEND because he’s BOB F’N BARKER, and you WILL obey him when he says to have your pets spayed or neutered, even if you have to do it YOURSELF!! Grab Fido with one hand and an oyster knife with the other and OBEY BOB F’N BARKER.

 

Is anyone still reading this? I hope so, because I’m done showing my boundless love for that particular program which will remain nameless, but still cannot touch the love I have for a Ms. Kylie Minogue. I’ll stop myself before I go on about her too.

 

Let’s continue this, shall we?

 

Nick says that he’s there to win a contract, and that Jamie is there for the recognition and fame. John doesn’t even remember what she ended up wearing out after she tried so much on. Off the Gang of Four (minus Mao’s wife) go to the Saddle Ranch, a cowboy-ish tavern. Being in Los Angeles and all, I’d have advocated one of the massive dance clubs they surely have, but that’s just me and my crazy glowsticking self. Justin tells us the Jamie scale of drunkenness, where a guy starts as cute, turns to hot, then is subject to a full oral exam conducted by her own tongue. She never got his number, doesn’t remember how the guy looks, and he’s a better man for it. Too bad he was caught on tape making out with a teenager. I’d like to note that, once again, Jonah is STYLIN’, BAYBEE~!

 

Suddenly, Jamie goes from happy drunk to regretful and sad drunk. She starts BAWLING out of nowhere, saying that it just occurred to her that this is the most important thing in her life, ever. Jonah tells her to calm down and not to be sad, but it doesn’t work. When they get home, Jamie talks to a friend of hers on the phone. She feels so stupid for what she did, and just wants to be known as the girl who was good enough, and not the irresponsible, out of control person that she is. Jonah says she’s got so many issues that he wouldn’t be surprised if she snapped and quit. That’d leave me with Lita-Lite and a bunch of likeable guys minus Justin (who I have yet to forgive for making so much fun of Scott), so I advocate this quitting.

 

Half Past Dead, in theaters now, starring a barely audible martial arts actor and THE MOST ANNOYING MAN ON THE PLANET. No, not Morris Chestnutt, I mean Ja Rule, who I call BABYGURL!!!! because that’s ALL THE MAN SAYS, I SWEAR. I don’t wish death upon him like the Gateway woman, I just want him to disappear and stop butting in on 75% of music videos these days and 80% of songs on the radio. Either that, or let me know his real name so I can rag on it. When I first saw the previews for this, I laughed my ass off because I thought Morris Chestnutt was BABYGURL!!!!’s real name.

 

And before ANYONE says I have no room to make fun of names with a name like Patrick Spoon, I’ll have you know that I have even MORE right to make fun of other names because of this, spank you very much.

 

Big comes to the house the next morning to ask Jamie how she’s doing, because, she surmises, he’s worried that she’s going to become so tense she’ll snap. I think Big’s goatee reminds me of cornbread, but don’t quote me on that, because I still can’t pin it down. Sadly, and in a move that really cheeses me, they DON’T SHOW BIG’S MUSTANG THIS WEEK. Big says that Jamie, when she gets some confidence, could be a big star. They reach an understanding, and Big tells them all it’s time to go.

 

To training at Trax? Naw, silly! A SHOPPING SPREE!! Hmm, a little restricted for a fully defined spree, as they’re allowed to pick out one pair of shoes and one hat in the entire downtown Los Angeles Foot Locker. Then it’s to the juice bar. Um, okay. Some spree that was. I guess WWE is losing a lot of money. After the juice bar, it’s time for a Physical Challenge, and I want to know what happened to PT with Badass Bill DeMott and Ivory the MILF. Jonah asks if this challenge will interfere with his fear of heights. What the hell kind of question is that to ask? DID I JUST ASK THAT ABOUT JONAH???? (says ten Hail Jonah’s and beats himself with a frying pan) How dare I blasphemy like that? I meant to say this: “Why must MTV bother Jonah with such trifling and obvious foreshadowings of future events?” Ah, better.

 

They pull up to a trapeze setup and Big says that they’re going to learn about body awareness. It’s a whole “Secret Circus” setup, headed by a guy named Ray, who is very... ehh, you put the rhyming word in there. Jamie says she’s having a good day and is on the right path, so I guess that closes up her little storyline for this episode. John knows how to control his body in the air, and does very well with the trapeze. Eric says that John is the best of the group, and will probably portray a Hardy Boy type of wrestler. So... he’ll blow lots of spots and paint himself? Wait, you mean there’s another Hardy besides Jeff? Balderdash, I only know of Jeff and the current godly creature formerly known as Matt Hardy who is now known by millions of worshippers around the world as MATTITUDE~!. I want to see John not be Jeff.

 

Back to Trax, and who’s that jumpin’ out the sky, R-E-Y! Mysterio! Here we go! He’s wearing the Spider-Man mask that is a favorite of our forums, and John says he’d rather meet Mysterio than The Rock or Hogan. Mysterio started training when he was eight, wow. He removes his mask to talk to them face-to-face, but the camera gets behind him so as not to show his face. Al tells the group that they should feel honored to have him remove his mask for them, as it is a tremendous showing of respect. Okay, I know little to nothing about Lucha Libre, but once the mask comes off, isn’t it supposed to STAY off? For them to say that he’s never removed it before would be to ignore three years in WCW where he didn’t wear it, and considering that WWE OWNS WCW now, wouldn’t it be silly to not acknowledge the history of a company that is no longer your competitor? Ahh, whatever.

 

Al and Mysterio do a little mini-match just to show off how freaking awesome Mysterio is. He even busts out a corkscrew plancha thingie, whose name I’m not sure of. A great credit to Mysterio that he’d still do that for an audience of twelve total people. Big says that Mysterio is a tremendous entertainer, and does amazing things in the ring. You ain’t lying.

 

The students move on to snapnares and armdrags with mats, as well as some wristlock reversals, and Mysterio watches them. Kelly is kept out of the exercises because of her back, and Eric notes that she’s being left behind as a result. Jamie is looking really good in the ring, against the guys no less, and Mysterio even congratulates her on her performance. Kelly is seeing her chances to win slip through her fingers, or between her vertebrae, as it were. The show closes with Kelly crying on Al’s shoulder.

 

NEXT WEEK: Jamie is like, sooooooooo into John, but like, he doesn’t notice her and stuff, and she’s all wanting him to, ‘kay? (teenage girl mode off) Nick has some vague pain in his arm that sends him to the hospital, and ANOTHER CUT!!

 

Patrick Spoon

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