Tough Enough Week Seven: Jonah Rules

[Guest TSMAdmin]

What? It’s been almost a WEEK since the latest Tough Enough? Hmm. Perhaps I should explain why there was such a delay.

 

Welllllll, last Thursday was obviously Thanksgiving here in the US of A, so there was, to be honest, no way in hell I was recapping that night. Come to think of it, I can’t remember where I was on Thursday night. Oh yeah, I was at a cousin’s house pretty much sealing the deal in my mind to get an X-Box. A few rounds of Halo, NFL Fever, and Project Gotham will do that for you. No MUSTANGS~! in Project Gotham though, unfortunately. They had a SuperSport Camaro, but no MUSTANG~!? What the hell!! Don’t get me wrong here, I’m not some hardcore nerd gamer or anything, I just know that X-Box looks most appealing to me.

 

Friday, I went out on the town for a brief spell with a friend of mine, then went out onto one of the surrounding islands of Charleston, SC (where I live, please stalk me, I could use the company) to see a house that had a penis-shaped window. Worth the trip, believe you me.

 

Saturday, I spent the day wanting to kill my three year old brother while spending a day at my father’s house.

 

Sunday I got Tomorrow Never Dies as well as Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels on DVD, as well as Dance Mix NYC Volume 2, mixed by an AWESOME fellow by the name of The Riddler. Lock, Stock, for those of you who have never heard of it, is a tremendous British black comedy that I suggest anyone who enjoys my humor on here check out. It is seriously worth the time. It’s made by the same fellow who brought us Snatch, but this is better than the more recent effort, sez I.

 

Monday, I... ah fuck it. I’m just a lazy bastard. We’ll use that as the excuse.

 

I Got Mail This Week!: My request at the end of the last recap for people with penis enlargements to stop E-mailing me was a bit misinterpreted, as I said not to E-mail me unless it was a female. Well, I got a female, so mission accomplished. I think I should try telling people not to E-mail me with praise. That just might work in some weird... backwards... mind... thingie. Anyways, thanks to Julie, from wherever she is, for the positive feedback.

 

A fellow named Eric told me that Kelly’s proximity to the looks of Lita seals the contract for her. I have to disagree here. This could work against Kelly, much the same as some conspiracy theorists feel Chris Jericho wasn’t pushed to the moon as his debut led us to believe because he had long blond hair. I challenge my readers to think of who could possibly call for the squelching of a push based on something so petty, but before they go to think to pop the backne that the person in question just can’t reacHHH because he’s THAT... DAMN... BULKY!!! I actually think Jericho was kept in the midcard for so long because of his stiffing people in his early days, but his being held down is all over now, so no need to worry.

 

Why is everyone laughing?

 

Also, I’d like to throw a little plug for myself in here before the recap begins. I’m still a bit of a novice with it, but I’ve made some eighteen or so mixes (which I’ve named Mixaroonies, after the REAL most electrifying move in Sports-Entertainment today) with Acoustica Internet Audio Mixer, and I’ve been trying to get them spread out a little across the landscape of the internet. So, if you’ve got a highspeed connection or a dialup and LOTS of patience, contact me on AOL Instant Messenger (name: Kotzenjunge) and I’ll send one your way. They’re mostly dance and techno fare, but I’ve made a few different ones, most notably an evolution of music from 1815 onwards, my own take on the popular NOW albums, a WWF 1985-2002 mix, and just completed today, a Rock mix. These are all continuous mixes, ranging in length from twenty minutes to full CD-length.

 

I want to congratulate Damian Gonzalez, our site head honcho as well as NWA and WWE PPV reviewer, on getting even more positive feedback from the NWA:TNA organization. None other than Jerry Jarrett himself gave Dames a shout-out. Kudos to you, Mr. Gonzalez, and remember to ask for merchandise. Make sure my shirt is a size L.

 

This recap has also been getting some positive feedback on the forums, and I urge everyone to go there and vote for this very report as the best article on the site.

 

Now, on with the show!!!

 

LAST WEEK: John and Jonah’s girlfriends got to visit the house, DDP made a visit, Scott avoided being cut, but Nick didn’t.

 

I want someone to construct a cinder block that actually has the Tough Enough logo within it, then pile a bunch of normal blocks on top of it, then take the column to one of those karate competitions on ESPN2. I want to see if that block really is THAT much better than the other blocks. Also, when I see Nick on the screen during the opener, I want to superkick him, or use a Hadoken fireball on him. Damn I loved the original Street Fighter II.

 

Something I noticed about Street Fighter II: While Mortal Kombat got a lot of flak for being so violent, the SFII series was pretty tame by comparison, even though I feel there was more cause for alarm than the MK games. First off, SFII was on Earth, and had more realistic characters... but what a dysfunctional group. What kind of image is it portraying to kids when the single military dude in the game, the guy standing up for America, cares more about his hair than beating the Communist bear wrestler? Such a game taught American children to be distrustful of Sumo wrestlers lest they have a Hundred Hand Slap landed in their grill. I also find the Asian fetish to be traceable to Chun Li, since she was the first real video game hottie to me. Hey, tell me those legs didn’t excite you just a wee bit, especially when she’d jut her ass out in the later games while releasing... um... whatever her projectile attack was called. Such a game told children to avoid the Amazonian Rainforest so as to avoid electrified man-beasts. How many children were disappointed when, upon a visit to India, they found out that no one there could really stretch their arms or legs to twice their length? And the whole Ryu/Ken fight told kids that yes, if you do crash into some barrels on a pier somewhere, they will break in two and disappear.

 

Speaking of things breaking in two, I fear for the two-headed House God comprised of Jonah and Scott this week, as Scott looks doomed unless he improves drastically, and Jonah... well, you’ll see.

 

MTV’S VERSION OF LAST WEEK: Nick was gone, Kelly’s injured still, and Jonah’s gettin’ dem dizzy spells, Tony! Seemed John was a-clubberin’ his neck a bit too much in that there amatoor rasslin’ match!!

 

It’s morning in the San Fernando Valley, and sinister music accompanies the cast eating breakfast. Jonah says he’s getting dizzy spells, and waking up in the night, worried about them. He won’t tell the trainers this though, as he doesn’t want to be eliminated from contention. Good man.

 

Off to Trax, and the kids are busting out submission moves now. Matt says the training is only going to get faster and more intense. Kelly lacks aggression. Al says that he has a timetable to work with, and he needs to teach these kids so much in such a short time, so there’s little margin for error. Scott channels Tajiri while holding someone in a Boston Crab and gets what could be called “ashamed amusement” from the people watching. Scott feels that he has the personality everyone else lacks. Everyone else meaning everyone but Jonah, of course. He’s right. Anyways, he feels this is enough to keep him in this. This is what WWE needs to do, since the last four Tough Enough graduates have had the charisma of a three-legged donkey (Lance Storm jokes RULE!) except for Maven’s natural appeal. Let someone with passable in-ring skills who has a very pronounced personality win one of these. Their personality and storytelling ability in a match could veil their lack of any overwhelming wrestling talent, much like The Rock until his program with Chris Benoit in 2000, where I feel he made the transition from crowd favorite with only a few moves to actual learning and adapting wrestler.

 

The Spanish Inquisition shows up at Trax, saying that FOUR weapons are used to make up a WWE superstar: Physique, Look, Technical Skills... and... they messed up, let them try again, shall you? Oh wait, Ivory said all of that. In the ring, Al tells the group that this is their chance to impress. Ivory says that Jonah is all talk and would fail miserably in front of a crowd. She’s the resident MILF, so I’ll let that slide. In all fairness, pretty much all of them would fail miserably in front of a crowd at this stage except MAYBE John.

 

They leave Trax for the day (with BIG’S 2002 MUSTANG GT VERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! visible in the parking lot), and head to the canyon for some PT. Eric reminds the audience that they spend every Tuesday here, because they haven’t shown PT in three weeks. The group has to finish their exercises as a team or they don’t get to leave, and are punished for each gaffe with pushups. Kelly is having a hard-ass time with the heavy bags over the shoulder, and every time she drops it, Bill screams at the contestants to get down and do twenty-five pushups, thus showing us all why Jim Ross considers him a future main eventer. Matt tries his damndest to help Kelly out, but to no avail. The group does some eight BILLION pushups eventually. Scott says that Kelly has no athletic ability.

 

Back at the house, and the entire group is pretty cheesed with Kelly. Jonah says that Kelly can’t physically keep up at all, and has had trouble with every single physical challenge so far. Big shows up at the house, wearing his only shirt, the retro Padres jersey. He informs the group that no Tough Enough is complete without a trip, and the group has a round of nervous anticipatory laughter. God I hate Justin. Just his beaming mug with that backwards baseball hat on... YOU’RE WHITE, AND YOU SUCK!!! GET OVER IT!!! Big says this year’s trip will be to...

 

ICELAND!!

 

Um... Iceland? Land of volcanoes and geothermal energy and little else? The group is as excited as a contestant on The Price Is Right who was just told they might win A NEW CAR!!!, but Scott and Jonah keep a calm, stoic demeanor, knowing quite well that Iceland isn’t a Winter Wonderland like it sounds. Justin says he can’t wait to get there and build a lava-man then watch him harden. Okay, maybe he didn’t, but it’d be funny if he did. Anyways, that’s enough with my questioning of the odd location, back to the show.

 

Jamie says she has no idea what goes on in Iceland, but she’s really excited. Well Jamie, it’s a land where people wear shoes on their hands and hamburgers eat people. Oh wait, that’s the land of Rand McNally. I’m sure she has an equal knowledge of both countries. Big kills the Scandinavian buzz by announcing a cut before the group leaves. Scott looks worried, and Kelly feels that she’s in trouble. At this point, due to the decided lack of estrogen on the show at this point, I’m willing to let Scott go before Kelly.

 

Next morning, back to Trax. I’m very happy with the emphasis on the wrestling so far. Matt says everyone is worried about the cut. Al and Big watch the action and comment on how damn good John is. Jonah BRINGS THE ENDORSEMENT~! by saying John is like Spider-Man, he can do anything. As a comparison, the ever-humble Jonah says that he’s no superhero. He’s shown taking a back bodydrop, and... oh dear lord...

 

JONAH IS HURT!!

 

Al tries to talk to him, but Jonah is almost incoherent. NOOOOOOOOO!!! Bill says that Jonah has ringing in his ears, is seeing spots, and CAN’T STAND UP STRAIGHT!!! Jonah BRAVELY and MANFULLY demands that Al not drop him from the competition because of this. See, there’s a fucking MAN right there. He could have spinal damage, but dammit, he’s going to keep going!!! JONAH FOR PRESIDENT, BAH GAWD!!! Al says that a decision will be made pending the doctor’s exam. Jonah is carried away, and the cast is worried...

 

Fuck RNN, we need JNN right NOW!!

 

Roughly 1/3 of the commercials are for video games. Not a single advert for, you know, music.

 

At the hospital, JONAH IS SITTING UP STRAIGHT!!! WAHOOOOOO!!!! Dan, the Set Medic, shadows Jonah on his visit and looks like a total chode. He doesn’t deserve to be near Jonah’s clothes, let alone the man himself. Jonah is put through a CAT scan.

 

Back at Trax, everyone’s distracted with the Jonah situation, and the trainers try to get everyone’s minds back into the here and now. Scott’s bumping is downright horrid, even worse than the Bill-killer incident from Week Two. Al says that he needs to step it up or he won’t be allowed in the ring anymore, as he’ll hurt himself or someone else. Scott says its his worst day ever. Eventually, Big says for Scott to leave the ring. I think Scott’s time has come finally. I sure hope not. I’d be lying if I said all my attention wasn’t on Jonah right now though.

 

Back at the hospital, and Jonah’s CAT scan is done. Even his neural scans are cool to look at. Another hospital-related Jonah coolness fact: his gown looks like something The Incredible Hulk would wear, as it looks like Jonah’s burst it all over. He has Labyrinthitis, which means that he’ll be forced to star in fantasy movies with David Bowie for the rest of his life. It isn’t serious enough to take him off the show! GO DOCTOR!! He just needs some medication. He’s got a pretty clean bill of health now, and is on his way back to Trax, but...

 

GENIUS STRIKES!!!!!

 

Ladies and gentlemen, long-time readers and first timers, dudes and dudettes, gather round your monitors as I relay a modern American story worthy of myth, as many of Jonah’s exploits are. However, this is a topper for even Jonah, the *****-quality legend himself. This is a prank that I encourage everyone to try on the gullible and overly emotional people that you know and perhaps love. I mean, this legend ranks up there with me convincing my grandmother once that I had a boyfriend named Trent, and that we were planning on becoming life partners, just because she called my semi-girlfriend Mary-Keith “Mary-Trent.” Who am I kidding? This is beyond a billion Trents, a billion War of the Worlds broadcasts, a billion lawn gnomings (those who post at the forums will get this joke), as Jonah plans...

 

THE GREATEST RIB EVER

 

He bandages his head up, wears a neck brace, and reddens his eyes to look as if he’s just suffered a career-ending neck injury and is VERY upset about it. Only Dan the Medic and Big are in on it. Big tells the group to sit down and tells them that something bad has happened to a good person with a totally straight face. Big OWNS. Eric and Matt’s minds swirl at what could have happened. Dan helps Jonah walk slowly into Trax, as someone BRILLIANT in post-production adds VIOLIN MUSIC! Kelly bursts into tears the moment she sees Jonah’s “condition.” Jonah sits in front of the other cast members, and sighs heavily, milking every glorious moment. He says that throughout the competition, everyone was like brothers and sisters to him. They’ve all impacted his life so much, as he starts to sniffle and tear up more. Matt is very, very upset. He says that he could say so much about all of them that has touched him, but if they all said one nice thing about him, they’d all be straight before he left. Good lord, this transcends mere awesomeness. This is a new level of cool that has yet to be named by modern science. Kelly says that he was always the one to help push her when she felt as if she couldn’t keep going every morning. Scott was helped to laugh about his own foibles. Fuck Justin, he doesn’t deserve a spot in this story. Eric says that he thought Jonah was the biggest pussy ever, and a huge asshole, but he’s grown closer to him than anyone else, and at this point Big is shown turning away from the proceedings, unable to keep a straight face any longer. It gets to Matt, and damned if he doesn’t channel Jeff Hardy. The music hits a dramatic swell as he says that Jonah is like a brother to him, and keeps calling him “kid.” He gets up and embraces Jonah, crying BUCKETS. Jonah says that he considered letting Matt in on the joke, but decided not to. Matt asks Jonah where he’s from, then cries some more and sits back down. Jonah says it was like attending his own funeral, as you get to hear what people really thought about him. Such a thing will never happen, as Jonahmania will always live on!! He says to them all that he’ll always remember what everyone said about him... WHEN HE’S KICKING THEIR ASSES IN THE RING!! Matt walks off, no doubt embarrassed. Scott stays in his chair, looking befuddled. You can see the trainers laughing their asses off, and the various cast members saying “you motherfucker!!” Big calls the rib “masterful.” Jonah feels that his acting shown will help his standing somewhat. He calls it a good rib. Tasteless, but a good rib.

 

Time to get serious now, as Big says the cut will be tomorrow. Kelly says she hit rock bottom right there, and Scott looks super-worried.

 

Why are there three versions of the Axe body spray commercial? At the end, the guy gets either another woman (good), an old lady (bad), or a man bedecked in studded leather (offensive). Why offensive, you ask? I’m not gay, but it really pisses me off to see such stereotypes, as well as hear “gay” be a synonym for “stupid.” Also, MTV, a channel that promotes diversity and multiculturalism, is willfully showing such an advertisement. Where “faggot” and “dyke” are bleeped out and Beavis and Butthead were never allowed to make fun of homosexuality unlike every other subject on the planet, isn’t it a conflict to do stuff like this? Come to think of it, is MTV’s yearly insertion of a homosexual as well as a bisexual (or two) into The Real World not a promotion of tolerance and diversity but rather a way to get ratings since, despite being one of the things that has yet to be tolerated by large groups of people (Religious Right, I’m looking at YOU), it garners huge ratings? Why else would WWE have the MLA (Mild Lesbian Activity) on Raw earlier this year? I won’t even get into how awful it was to see the tiny women manhandled by the massive Island Boys, as regardless of whether they can take bumps or not, that is NOT the kind of stuff to show on any wrestling program or even most programming period.

 

Sorry, I went off for a little while. Welcome back to the Tough Enough recap.

 

Back at the house that night, the group sits around and talks about the rib from earlier. Scott gives Jonah props for making the show fun. Jonah tells everyone he’s worried for when he may really be hurt, because then no one will believe him. Oh, if that really happened... um... I’d bitch a lot. Scott and Kelly bond, since the house has concurred that they both suck as far as in-ring performance. Kelly walks into the kitchen, and DAMN!! I may have said this in a previous recap, but Kelly’s got BACK!!!!! Kelly says that Scott should be cut first between them, as he actually has the potential to hurt someone. Interesting note: This comment was made in a different interview setting that wasn’t their little confessional room.

 

At Trax, the trainers discuss the cut.

 

Matt: Bill says he showed his heart during the rib.

Eric: Ivory says that he has a good look and a leader characteristic. Huh? Eric’s been the least notable person on the show so far other than reminding me of Randy Orton.

Jamie: Al says she has desire and a marketable look. AZTEC WOMAN!!! Ahem, sorry.

John: The most sound person there. He’s one of the winners, I’m willing to bet readers on this one, barring injury.

JONAH~!: He had a scare with the head injury, but should be kept around. Damn fucking STRIZZAIGHT!!

Justin: Hasn’t shown any real charisma or appeal yet. Well shit, I could have told you that last week when I had him violated with spiked dildos. He was at his best then.

Scott: Is a great kid with a huge heart, but it’s getting to the stage now where the learning curve can no longer be bent for him. Uh oh.

Kelly: Her lacking performance isn’t really traceable to the back injury or no talent. PLEASE keep her around.

 

A variation on the cut this week: All the cast stands before their chairs, and Al will give them a ticket to Iceland and tell them to sit down if they get to stay. Obviously, the last one left with no ticket is gone. We know it’ll be a single cut, because they said cut singular. In very quick fashion, it’s down to Kelly and Scott, and Al stands with a single ticket in his hand between them. Kelly sits down, and Scott is CUT. Al tells him he has tremendous heart and desire, but it is simply not his time now. Al is visibly upset that Scott had to be cut. Jonah says that it was choking him up, and that was coming from someone who couldn’t stand him for the first three weeks. Not a single bad thing said of him, as he managed to endear himself to everyone during his time there, and Matt says that he came a long way while he was there.

 

Scott gets a sentimental video tribute, including getting caned by Dreamer. He says he’ll never let his WWE dream die.

 

NEXT WEEK: Eric gets laid, thus giving me a reason to care about him, and the group arrives to train in Iceland.

 

Now that all that is out of the way, December 6th was my birthday, folks. I know that it’s the holidays and stuff, and I was a week late with this recap, but this week’s recap will be up tomorrow night around this same time, and I guarantee it’ll be better than this somewhat lackluster installment. Anyways, like I said, birthday was the 6th, and I figured that this was an opportune time to finally do what only the big names do (thus showing my own impudence) and post a link to my Amazon wishlist. I don’t expect the big stuff (meaning the DVDs), but I could really really use that USB cable. Then I can show everyone on here my wacky adventures and the things that keep me from posting this recap on time and stuff. If anyone wants to be nice and hook me up with any of those books, or the cable, that’d be SWEET~!, and I’ll do what I can for you at some future date within my power. I suppose I’d start by saying how cool you were and give you a Jonah-rivaling tale of derring-do (which isn’t such a bad idea), and you could show your friends how cool you are because you were mentioned in THE BEST DAMN RECAP ON THE INTERNET, read by thousands every week.

 

Damn I’m pathetic.

 

My list, don’t dare say a word about my sweet Kylie

 

See everyone again laaaaaaaaaate tomorrow night!

 

Patrick Spoon

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