An Exercise in Poor Taste: Jack Frost 2

[Guest evenflowDDT]

OK, so I'm visiting The Smarks, just minding my own beeswax, when all of a sudden I'm hit with a revelation: nobody except Jay Spree has written a column for SmarksDVD in a month! Since any problems are usually on my end, I write Jay and ask him what's up, and he informs me that (gasp!) he is the only active writer for SmarksDVD! I immediately offer to write a sample column, and he says I have to write Scott Keith.  I do, and it gets returned, so I write Jay again and he tells me to do the unthinkable... actually visit and post on the SmarkBoard... I should mention that I've always hated message-boards (almost as much as I hate chat-rooms), because I'm simply too lazy to check every day and see which "daily dose of message board loser" is flaming me.  I should mention that, but I won't, because said losers are judging my column and I wanna write for SmarksDVD, DAMMIT! (d'oh! no yelling on the SmarkBoard...)

 

Now that you're all bored as hell and pissed at me for boring you to hell, I can start the real column.  I was going to review the cinematic (ok, direct-to-video-matic) genius known as Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman, but alas, it doesn't work in my DVD player, or even my DVD-ROM drive.  There was only one way to end this nonsense, and that was use my mother's DVD player.  I fire it up, open it, place in the DVD, and it won't close.  What? I said it wouldn't close, it was stuck, [insert rest of synonyms for crappy outdated Austin/What? parody here] ... Anyway, there was a box in the way.  Simple problem, simple solution, just move the box.  I moved the box, but deux ex machina ("the hand of Russo", for those who don't know the phrase), in compliance with Murphy's Law, came in full force and a huge box falls from nowhere, crushing my mom's DVD player.  After a good verbal thrashing, I spend the rest of the night trying to fix it to no avail; the DVD player stayed broken and it just ended up scratching Jack Frost 2 a lot.  So, in memory of the broken DVD player, instead of a real review I'll compare the now-broken DVD player to what I remember from last time I saw the now-unplayable scratched up DVD.

 

Film:

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Jack Frost 2: For those who haven't seen the original horror farce Jack Frost (hint: it's not the one with Michael Keaton!), Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman is its sequel (dar Master P!), about the revenge of a mutant killer snowman (dar Master P! [pt. II]).  Quick recap: Jack Frost was a criminal, caught by Sheriff Sam Tiler, who died in a freak accident with dangerous experimental acid, which also bonded his DNA with the snow, creating the world's first mutant killer snowman (ahh... the wonders of science!).  He kills people, rapes Shannon Elizabeth (!), and gets stopped by Sheriff Sam and (***SPOILER WARNING*** even though the back of the box gives it away) anti-freeze (get it? he's a snowman, so of course anti-freeze will stop him since he's frozen).  In this movie, its Christmas again and Sheriff Sam is FREAKED OUT~! His wife brings him to a tropical island since there's no snow (and hence, no snowmen) on a tropical island.  Meanwhile, Jack Frost's melted self is revived by cofee (get it? caffeine is a stimulant, which... hey, that's not funny!), and he melts down to water and travels by sea to the island, where he does what mutant killer snowmen do best - kill people, in a mutated snow-like fashion.  There's an ice anvil, pointy icicles, tongues stuck to the pole, snowballs thrown really really hard, and lots of plugs for Asahi.  Sheriff Sam keeps thinking its Jack, but nobody listens to him, because that would make sense. Oh, and Jack Frost makes it snow on the island.  Sheriff Sam, being the resourceful fellow who's NOT CRAZY AFTER ALL~!, gathers up some anti-freeze, but Jack is (gasp!) immune now! In fact, it causes some weird reaction and he coughs up a bunch of snowballs which hatch into mutant killer snowballs, which do what mutant killer snowballs do best - kill people, in a mutated snow-like fashion (ouch... repeated spot!).  Check out the snowball drinking Asahi... anyway, to make an already way-too-long "summary" short, Sheriff Sam goes totally crazy, his wife kicks mutant killer snoball ass because he's too crazy to do it himself, Jack gets pissed, and engulfs her, Sheriff Sam becomes uncrazy to saves her, and they all lived happily ever after.  Cute Jack Frost/Godzilla promo over the end credits.

 

broken DVD player: There isn't one.  OK, after realizing her son isn't able to fix her DVD player and instead spent all Saturday browsing Internet wrestling columns, my mom bitches me out, and forces me to get a job and buy her a new DVD player.  That's not a happy ending at all...

 

Edge: Jack Frost 2.  At least they all lived happily ever after.

 

Presentation:

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Jack Frost 2: Box claims anamorphic widescreen and 5.1 surround sound, but boxes claim a lot of things.  It's shot on high definition video, and the fact that it rained every day during production meant there are no wide shots, so in the end IT DOESN'T MATTER IF THE BOX CLAIMS ANAMORPHIC OR NOT! (sorry, I couldn't resist) On the plus side, the box has one of those really cool motion-picture card things on the front cover, but it must be a crappy one because it always shows this weird blend of all the pictures at once.

 

broken DVD player:  It's got no tray (when it got crushed I pulled it out), makes really funny noises, and starts/stops spinning a lot while scratching (excuse me, "attempting to read") DVDs.  But since I unscrewed and removed the top I get to see the laser! Hey, that won't hurt your eyes, will it?

 

Edge: broken DVD player.  Lasers rule.

 

Special Features:

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Jack Frost 2: director's commentary (which I was planning on watching when this whole fiasco started), behind the scenes footage and director's interview (alas, these aren't nearly as cool as they should be, and director Michael Cooney keeps kayfabe for the interview and talks about Jack as a real person... weird...), music video spoof (I honestly can't remember, I think it was OK), trailers (cheesy direct-to-video thrillers rule!), and Spanish subtitles (QUÉ? Yo subtitulado dicho en español!).  Oh yea, I guess automatically flagging an adults only violation every time you stick it in the DVD player so you can't play the DVD (even though I turned off the adult check option!) counts as a "special feature" even though it sucks!

 

broken DVD player: mother's commentary (consisting mainly of the words "bastard", "son of a bitch", "good for nothing", and yelling and sobbing), behind the scenes footage of inside a DVD player, the learning experience that always comes from inadvertently destroying a piece of electrical equipment (I was surprised to see it looked like a computer... I just thought DVD players' insides looked different... shut up, I may be dumb but I'm not stupid).  It's fun AND educational! It's multi-layered!

 

Edge: broken DVD player.  At least I learned something.

 

Overall:

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Jack Frost 2: Fun film, rip-off DVD that won't even play in your DVD player unless it has manual override of adults only violations! Even if you wanted to get it on VHS for some sick reason, you couldn't because that version is edited (for what? Network TV is bad, but it's not this bad... yet...)! Boo A-Pix entertainment! I know I'll never buy from them again, at least until they fix this problem.  I'm seriously pretty pissed off about this.

 

broken DVD player: My mom is really pissed.  But then, she's always really pissed so I'm not really mad.

 

Edge: broken DVD player to pick up the win.  How anti-climactic.

 

Final Thoughts:

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More proof that Vince Russo is God - I tried playing the DVD in my DVD-ROM with Windows Media Player (the worst player I know), and it actually worked, though after about 20 minutes the DVD was so scratched up it stopped playing anyway.  Moral of the story? Never buy a DVD from A-Pix entertainment.  Ever.  And deux ex machina sucks.

 

OK, this is my first time, so be gentle (or not, as long as you're in leather I could care less).  Please give me feedback: did I spoil too much of the plot (for my IMDb reviews I try to go into plot as little as possible, for this one I wrote a lengthy "summary")? Did I force too many wrestling references (I figured since The Smarks is, you know, a wrestling site that at least a couple of 'em would be appreciated)? E-mail me at abba_owns_me at hotmail.com (hmmm... I've mastered that and the ~!, now all I need is to figure out what the hell a BONZO GONZO is and I can be a total rip-off of The Smarks Krew... mwahahahaha).  I seriously want to write for the DVD section, so Scott, if you're reading this, you rule, please consider me as a weekly writer for the DVD section.  If not, I'll just keep writing columns and posting them to the SmarkBoard anyway.  Scotsman, if you're reading this, you rule, I wish I were as funny as you, but I write my columns sober so that will never be.  Jay (specifically Spree, but Bower is a good guy too), if you're reading this, you rule, keep up the good work on the DVD section and the news update, I hope if I don't get to write for you, that Polky and Matt Hardy actually write columns soon because I like SmarksDVD.  Don Becker, if you're reading this, I don't really know anything about you other than you pay for the site and can thus get away with only writing one column a month, but that rules.  So... keep paying for it! Anyone else at The Smarks I didn't mention (sorry White Chocolate!), you rule, I just can't remember your names so I can't suck up.  And finally, to the one (and one!) of you that read this far, please give me feedback and bug Scott to let me write reviews in a weekly column for SmarksDVD.  It might not be enough to save the section, but it's better than nothing...

 

Until next week, anyone want a cheap DVD or player?

Ed

abba_owns_me at hotmail.com