Hey, yo - here's an idea about Wrestlemania, mang.

[Guest The Man in Blak]

I posted this over in the WWF forum, but it's a little long winded and, after further review, I figured it be better suited for this forum...so, enjoy and leave comments if you got any.  Thanks.  

 

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You know, there's one other weird possibility that everybody keeps forgetting with this booking...and that's if they book it nWo style.

 

That's right - you actually think that a card with the nWo at the top is actually going to have clean finishes?  He ll, they might just book it this way just to piss off the internet legion, 'cause it's not like they haven't already devalued Wrestlemania enough over the last 8 years anyway.

 

* Test & Mr. Perfect & Lance Storm vs. Rikishi & Albert & Scotty 2 Hotty:

As per the usual standards of the old nWo/WCW regime, here's your first complimentary "worthless undercard match."  The most exciting thing that could happen here is that Grandmastah Sex-ay could hip-hop his way down to the ring fresh from the WWA PPV and that says a lot about this match.

- Prediction: Give the good guys the win for an easy crowd-pleasing start to the PPV.  Rikishi/Albert/Scotty.

- Match Rating: A crowd pleaser, but by no means should you expect a Michinoku Pro 6-man to break out.  **.

 

* DDP vs. Christian - European Title:

Here's worthless undercard match #2, even more so given the fact that there hasn't even been a turn yet.  You know, who needs a turn - maybe this will be Christian giving DDP a title shot in thanks for DDP's counseling.  Stupid?  Yes.  Probable?  With the WWF, you never know.  However, just because this angle's got development doesn't mean that the WWF can't interrupt it with...an nWo beatdown!  That's right, the camera cuts out to the back to see Scott Hall and Kevin Nash beating the crap out of the Hardyz.  If you're lucky, you might get to see Jeff Hardy reprise Rey-Rey's role as the human dart into a nearby trailer.

- Prediction: Hometown Christian gets it, if just to build his character a little bit, but it doesn't matter, since no one will see it.

- Match Rating: No good match will be left untainted by the nWo at this WM, so expect this to be a *** match that gets destroyed by either impending angles or other developments.  1/2*.

 

* Jazz vs. Trish Stratus vs. Lita - Women's Title:

Total waste of a match, but at least Chyna's not in it.  Ross & Lawler will spend the whole match talking about how Jeff Hardy has been killed again.

- Prediction: I'd say Jazz, just because it makes absolutely no sense.

- Match Rating: Probably will be a total stinkjob, despite what could actually be done here.  DUD.

 

* Billy & Chuck vs. APA vs. Dudleys vs. The Outsiders - Tag Team Titles:

Oh, you saw it right.  Since the Hardyz's autopsies are being performed at this very moment, Nash & Hall will take it upon themselves to enter into the match for them.  Expect Billy & Chuck to be squashed first, then the Dudleys, leaving it down to just the Outsiders and the WWF Booster Club presidents, the APA...and then watch as Stacy Keibler rips off her skirt to unveil black and white nWo panties.  Both of the APA are captivated by her assets and the Outsiders kill them for the tag titles.

- Prediction: The Outsiders, all the way.  Why does Stacy turn on the Dudleys?  Because she's over and the nWo digs that, mang.

- Match Rating:  Keith will probably dig himself an early grave, just to roll in it after this match.  DUD.

 

* Edge vs. Booker T:

When Booker T's intro music is played, no one comes out.  They try to play it one more time...but still no go.  A camera is sent back...and they find the door to Booker T's dressing room kicked open.  The mirror is broken, with "nWo" painted on it and Booker is totally thrashed, with either "nWo" painted on his back, on the broken mirror, or on his dressing room door.  Booker stumbles into the match and Edge immediately capitalizes.  Ross & Lawler speculate as to what has happened.  Edge basically owns Booker, but can't pin him, and Edge eventually starts resorting to more heelish tactics.  The crowd starts sympathizing with Booker, but eventually Edge cracks the ref, pulls out the one-man concerto, and counts his own three-count.  The crowd is confused as Edge just leaves the ring and the arena.

- Prediction: Edge pulls the turn as above, just to piss on the hometown fans.

- Match Rating: Could actually be a dramatic ride between these two, especially if they use the nWo "who dunit" drama of Booker T's attack in this particular scenario.  ***.

 

* Kane vs. Kurt Angle:

Angle cuts a pre-match promo about how they should have contacted him for the shampoo commercial, being an Olympic gold medalist and a representative of the world's finest and all.  The match, however, tanks BAD - expect Kane to blow a move (probably an anklelock) and probably give Angle a concussion.

- Prediction: Kane wins with the anklelock, just to put him over and to make Angle seem like a chump - we can't have him treading on the nWo's heel territory, now can we?

- Match Rating: These two have had really good matches and really BAD matches...and I'm banking on Kane destroying all semblance of a match here.  -*.

 

* William Regal vs. Rob Van Dam - Intercontinental Title:

Before the match starts, Austin is shown driving his 3:16 truck into the arena, only to have a black semi pull out in front.  Austin gets ambushed by the nWo and is subsequently beaten to a pulp - Nash throws him in the back of the truck and drives out of the arena.  Hall then lays out the cameraman for seeing it unfold and the feed gets cut out.  Ross becomes a born-again christian, pray with his every word that Austin will be safe....oh yeah, there's an IC match happening, right?  RVD squishes Regal, Lawler uses the phrase "High Times for RVD" and Ross starts writing Austin's death certificate.

- Prediction: RVD in under five minutes.  Anything longer and the style-clash will make your eyes burn.

- Match Rating: It's a Raw-caliber Squash, and the oversell of Austin's kidnapping will kill anything RVD has.  DUD.

 

* Ric Flair vs. Undertaker:

David Flair comes to ringside.  This one ain't gonna to be pretty.  Expect UT to destroy Flair, then have Flair make the crazy-old-man comeback with Brass Knuckles and other heel tactics.  Ross will sell Flair as a man desperate to destroy the phenom, but Undertaker just won't go down.  Flair will bleed and then...Hogan comes down.  Flair starts ranting and while Hogan stands on the outside, David Flair blasts the Nature Boy with a chair.  UT will uncork the Tombstone onto said chair and Ric will be stretchered out.  Hogan points at David with mock surprise as Ric Flair's son pulls off his polo shirt to reveal the nWo colors.  Ross will cry that Ric has lost his own son to the nWo.

- Prediction: UT keeps the undefeated streak via nWo run-in.  The loss of David drives Ric to the edge, prompting him to split up the WWF and banishing the nWo there, so that he does not kill them with his own bare hands.

- Match Rating: Flair will bleed, Taker will kill, but the screwjob will...er, screw.  Unfortunately, this is your MOTN.  ***1/4.

 

* Chris Jericho vs. HHH - Undisputed World Championship:

Trips and Jericho are announced...as well as the special guest referee - Shawn Michaels.  Crowd goes kind of ga-ga, Shawn comes out and Trips smiles.  4000 internet people immediately rush to their keyboards to decry Jericho's impending screwjob.  Steph feels herself up.  Trips and Jericho do their match, with Trips getting slightly preferential treatment.  The match trudges on, but Trip just can't quite put away Jericho and, amidst this, Trip keeps looking back towards the Titantron.  Eventually, Trips pedigrees Jericho...and gets caught with a superkick.  Michaels lays Jericho on top of Triple H and counts three.

- Prediction: Jericho wins via horrendous screwjob, thus making him look even more incompentent.

- Match Rating: This one will positively CHUG and the screwjob will make the entire wrestling community scream in unison.  *1/2.

 

* Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Scott Hall:

Michaels waves down to the Titantron...and Hall and Nash emerge.  For the first time since MSG, all four members of the "clique" are in the ring.  Hall grabs the mic and says that, since Austin is out of the arena, that they'd have a little survey.  Hall, Nash, and Michaels beat the tar out of Trips, saying that while they were gone, he forgot what loyalty was.  Michaels says that Trips sold him out and transformed DX into a Mickey Mouse operation after he left.  They eventually leave both Jericho and Trips lying in the ring.  Jericho tries to get help up, but Steph abandons him.

- Prediction: Nope, the advertised match didn't happen, did it.  Smells like a WCW-level colossal messup to me...

 

* Hulk Hogan vs. Rock:

We get a touch of old-school as both Hogan and Rock get a pre-match interview.  Hogan comes down with this new entourage - David Flair, Michaels, Hall, and Nash.  The crowd will be rocking, but it won't be WMIII-esque rocking.  Basically, expect a reprise of Hogan/Warrior I...until a battered Austin 3:16 drives down to ringside.  Austin gets out, hops onto the ring apron and trips up Rock.  That's right - 2nd year in a row, mark down Austin for a non-sensical heel turn.  Hogan gets the leg drop, the pin, and garbage flies into the ring, another nWo trademark.  Austin slides in and, for the first time ever, Austin, Rock, and Hogan are in the same ring.  Austin brings Rock out and delivers a stunner on the roof of the 3:16 truck and then everybody else just takes turn.  The camera goes all black & white and fuzzy through the celebration, which has the clique, Hogan, and Austin all in the same ring (along with David Flair...I know.)

- Prediction: Way too many people are taking for granted that it's the Rock's show now...so using nWo logic, why NOT give it to Hogan?  After all, now you can build ANOTHER Rock/Austin feud and falsely promise Rock that, later down the road, he can have his shot over Hogan.

- Match Rating: The markout factor in this match will be ridiculous, especially with the end, with essentially every important wrestling superstar not named Bret Hart in the same ring sharing the nWo's colors (with the Rock getting spraypainted, and all).  The match itself, though, will be average.  **.

 

And that's that - Wrestlemania reduced to a inexplicable screwjob nWo run-in, with an advertised match being edited out and only two matches (the opening tag and the Women's title) not having the nWo stamp on them.

 

Survey says that the nWo booking Wrestlemania could be a smart mark's NIGHTMARE.