Guest spiny norman Report post Posted February 1, 2003 Two peanuts were walking down the street, and one was assaulted. GET IT!? ASSAULTED PEANUT!!!!!!!! *dies laughing* Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest The Superstar Report post Posted February 1, 2003 Three men were walking aimlessly in the desert. They came upon a castle. Dying of thirst, they decided to go into the castle. Inside they found no men, just dozens of beautiful women. The three men decided to stay. For a week they enjoyed themselves having sex many times a day with all of the beautiful women. After a week, the king of the castle and his army of men came back. As he walked into his castle, he found the three men with his women. Upset, the king ordered his army to capture the three men and line them up against the wall. Then the king said that each of them would be severely punished according to their occupation. The king goes up the first man and demands to know his occupation. The first man replies, "Fireman." The king tells his army, "Burn off his penis." Then he walked over to the second man and asked his occupation. Hesitating the man said, "I...I...I...I'm a police officer." The king ordered, "Shoot off his penis." Then finally the King asks the third man his occupation. With a huge smile on his face the man replied, "Lollipop salesman." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Flyboy Report post Posted February 1, 2003 Two peanuts were walking down the street, and one was assaulted. GET IT!? ASSAULTED PEANUT!!!!!!!! My Gawd, that joke owns. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest hardyz1 Report post Posted February 1, 2003 Damnit, I wanted to post the peanut joke. Oh well. Three guys walked into a bar. The fourth one ducked. ----- Two muffins are baking in an oven. One muffin says to another, 'Man, it's hot in here." The other muffin replies, "OH MY GOD, A TALKING MUFFIN!!!" ----- Three friends die in an accident one day and go to heaven. They meet St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter says, "You three are all worthy of Heaven. Upon entering Heaven, you will be given a vehicle to ride around in. However, the quality of the vehicle depends on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth." The first man walks up. St. Peter says, "You were entirely faithful throughout your marraige. You will be given a Porsche." He smiles, hops in his Porsche, and speeds into Heaven. The second guy walks up. "You cheated on your wife three times. For that, you will received a Honda Accord." He's a little dejected, but it's not that bad. Third guy walks forward. "You were quite unfaithful. You cheated on your wife 10 times. For that, you must drive a Yugo." He's very disappointed, but hey, he's in Heaven. Some time later, the three friends meet up together. The guys with the Accord and Yugo are happy, but the Porsche driving man seems really bummed out. "Hey, why are you so down? You're in Heaven and you have Porsche!" "Well, I just saw my wife." "What's so bad about that?" "She was riding a skateboard." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest saturnmark4life Report post Posted February 1, 2003 Here's one to stick on the pile of dead babies..........jokes. What's 12 inches long, has a purple head, is stiff as a board and makes the ladies scream? i think you get where this is going... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Youth N Asia Report post Posted February 1, 2003 Here's one to stick on the pile of dead babies..........jokes. What's 12 inches long, has a purple head, is stiff as a board and makes the ladies scream? i think you get where this is going... Crib death jokes aren't funny. I lost a sister to that. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest saturnmark4life Report post Posted February 2, 2003 Sorry about that. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Youth N Asia Report post Posted February 2, 2003 No worries, couldn't have known beforehand or anything. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Respect The 'Taker Report post Posted February 2, 2003 Here's one to stick on the pile of dead babies..........jokes. What's 12 inches long, has a purple head, is stiff as a board and makes the ladies scream? i think you get where this is going... Crib death jokes aren't funny. I lost a sister to that. Agreed, im cool with taking jokes but crib death gags are just distasteful and unfunny to me. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Youth N Asia Report post Posted February 2, 2003 Continue on...I didn't mean to be a thread killer. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest The Superstar Report post Posted February 2, 2003 "Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement. "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve. "But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!" "I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor." "Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!" So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. "Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me." "Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised." Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!” Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest The Superstar Report post Posted February 2, 2003 A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!" The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!" A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!" The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls." After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest The Superstar Report post Posted February 2, 2003 It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, “Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?” Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure Almond Joy! I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream “Oh Henry, Oh Henry!” Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, “Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff.” I said, “Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?” (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She screamed, “Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!” as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden... my Starburst! Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped? Baby Ruth! And yes, those were all from Jokes.com Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Samurai_Goat Report post Posted February 4, 2003 147 lemmings walked into a bar. Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow (plus 135) A bear walks into a bar, and says I'd like a gin and...............................tonic. The bartender says "Why the big pause?" The bear looks down and says "They've always been there." Three guys were being interviewed for an assassination job, but only one would be hired. They come in to an office, and they are told each of their wives are in the next room. They need to take the gun inside that room, and shoot her in the head. Assassin #1 goes in...and comes out, throws down a gun, and says he can't do it. Assassin #2 goes in....and comes back out, says he can't do it, and throws down a gun. Finally, Assassin #3 goes in....and several shots are heard, followed by several muffled slams. He came out, yelling "Why didn't you tell me the gun was full of blanks? I had to beat her to death with a chair!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest IDrinkRatsMilk Report post Posted February 4, 2003 A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Fiskpinne Report post Posted February 4, 2003 What does NASA stand for? .. .. .. Need Another Seven Astronauts! Sorry.. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Texas Small Arms 09 Report post Posted February 4, 2003 Tasteless, sick joke. You sir are one sick sick sick fuck. Completely not funny Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest BifEverchad Report post Posted February 4, 2003 A guy at work told me that NASA joke the other day, I never had the heart or the balls to post it though.... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest hardyz1 Report post Posted February 4, 2003 I thought it was funny. But I like tasteless jokes, so there you go. For example: Q. Why did Hitler kill himself? A. He got the gas bill. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest hardyz1 Report post Posted February 4, 2003 Bacon and eggs walk into a bar. They go to order a drink, but the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest EQ Report post Posted February 4, 2003 A kid fresh out of grad school goes on a job interview one day. The interview goes well, and the kid brings up the question of salary. "How much does this position pay?" "Well, that's negotiable. Tell me what you think is a fair number and we'll work from there." "Well, seeing as how I have a master's degree and my GPA is perfect, I feel that 100K a year is reasonable for someone with my qualifications." The interviewer thinks to himself for a minute and responds. "Well, I don't want to run the risk of someone offering you something better, so how about this? I'll give you 150K a year, plus a 25K bonus. 3 weeks paid vacation and you'll get a company car." "Wow, are you kidding me?" "Well yeah, but you started it." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest MaxPower27 Report post Posted February 4, 2003 Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf hiding behind a log. "My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," she says. The wolf jumps up and runs away. Farther down the road, she sees the wolf crouching behind a bush. "My, what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf," she says. Again, the wolf jumps up and runs off down the road. Still later, the girl again sees the wolf crouching behind a rock. "My, what big teeth you have, Mr. Wolf," she says. "Will you fuck off?" screams the wolf. "I'm trying to take a dump!" ------------------------------ What's blue and yellow and eats nuts? Gonorrhea Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Texas Small Arms 09 Report post Posted February 4, 2003 Little Red Riding Hood is going through the forrest to Grandmother's house. On the way she meets a rabbit and the rabbit tells her "Don't go to Grandma's house. The Big Bad Wolf is there and he is gonna fuck you til your socks pop off." Little Red Riding Hood stops and thinks a minute and continues on her way. Alittle further down the road she meets a squrriel and he tells her "Don't go to Grandma's house, the Big Bad Wolf is wait there and he is gonna fuck you til your socks pop off." Again Little Red Riding Hood ignores him and goes on her way. She gets to Grandma's house and waiting there for her is the Big Bad Wolf. He looks at her and says "Get over here so I can fuck you til your socks pop off." Little Red Riding Hood says "Aren't you gonna eat me like the book says?" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest saturnmark4life Report post Posted February 5, 2003 Thanks, that NASA joke is gonna be doin the rounds at my next social gathering. Thing is, I haven't really had enough traumatic life experiences to not find any of this shit funny. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Flyboy Report post Posted February 5, 2003 Tasteless, sick joke. You sir are one sick sick sick fuck. Completely not funny I hate people who have over-rections. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest EQ Report post Posted February 5, 2003 Yeah, I mean... the joke was tasteless and pretty low-brow, but at the same time, I got a chuckle out of it. *shrugs* Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest hardyz1 Report post Posted February 5, 2003 Here's another extremely tastless joke: Q. What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? A. A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest IDrinkRatsMilk Report post Posted February 5, 2003 I'll open the door for tasteless, yet good natured racial jokes. What does FUBU stand for? Farmers Used to Beat Us. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Respect The 'Taker Report post Posted February 5, 2003 147 lemmings walked into a bar. Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow (plus 135) A bear walks into a bar, and says I'd like a gin and...............................tonic. The bartender says "Why the big pause?" The bear looks down and says "They've always been there." Three guys were being interviewed for an assassination job, but only one would be hired. They come in to an office, and they are told each of their wives are in the next room. They need to take the gun inside that room, and shoot her in the head. Assassin #1 goes in...and comes out, throws down a gun, and says he can't do it. Assassin #2 goes in....and comes back out, says he can't do it, and throws down a gun. Finally, Assassin #3 goes in....and several shots are heard, followed by several muffled slams. He came out, yelling "Why didn't you tell me the gun was full of blanks? I had to beat her to death with a chair!" LOL I'm continuing on my quest about this guy being terribly under-rated. He's funny as fuckin' hell and cracks me up every damn post. Even 'Bloody Squirrels' under his name kills me.. UYI Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Fook_Hing_Ho Report post Posted February 5, 2003 As long as we're doing those kind of jokes... What do you call an old black man leaning on a barn? Antique farm equipment. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
