Guest Flyboy Report post Posted February 5, 2003 Life is like a bag of jelly beans... No one likes the black ones. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest MaxPower27 Report post Posted February 5, 2003 What does PONTIAC stand for? Poor Old Nigga Thinks It's A Cadillac Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LaParkaYourCar 0 Report post Posted February 5, 2003 What does the Pilsbury Dough Boy see when he bends over? Dough Nuts Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Rob E Dangerously 0 Report post Posted February 5, 2003 I'd post a joke, but I can't find a picture of Rob Johnstone *oooooooooooh* but seriously.. Q: Why couldn't Roy Williams (Kansas basketball coach) eat 100 hot dogs in an eating contest? A: Once he got to the final four, he choked Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Texas Small Arms 09 Report post Posted February 6, 2003 A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father." The little boy replied "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way." The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly . . . but on leaving the bus he leaned over and said, "Well. maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Texas Small Arms 09 Report post Posted February 6, 2003 When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner,Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. for all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box? Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem." Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box? "Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Rob E Dangerously 0 Report post Posted February 6, 2003 Here's one to stick on the pile of dead babies..........jokes. What's 12 inches long, has a purple head, is stiff as a board and makes the ladies scream? my penis? oh wait.. you sicko.. ack.. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Youth N Asia Report post Posted February 6, 2003 And now the classic: Q: what's better then sex with a 9 year old boy? A: NOTHING! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest IDrinkRatsMilk Report post Posted February 6, 2003 What's black and blue and doesn't like sex? The 9 year old boy in my trunk. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest CanadianChick Report post Posted February 6, 2003 What is black and white, black and white, black and white? A nun falling down the stairs! What is black and white and laughing? The nun who pushed her! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Fook_Hing_Ho Report post Posted February 6, 2003 What's black, white, and red and can't fit in a phone booth? A nun with a spear through her chest. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Samurai_Goat Report post Posted February 6, 2003 What's black and white and goes 90 miles per hour! A white car. With...uh...black tires. Yea, and it's speeding. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest What? Report post Posted February 7, 2003 Ok, my uncle told me this joke a while back, and I still think it's hilarious. This guy is playing golf and is having a horrible game. Every drive goes into the woods, every putt misses by at least a yard, and when he chips, the ball goes farther than when he drives. "Stupid fucking clubs" he says as makes his way towards his ball. The man lines up...and hits it right into the water. Three broken clubs later, the man walks towards the lake, where he sees an unconscious frog laying near the bank. The man rushes over to it and picks it up. To his amazement, the frog suddenly speaks. "Ow" "Why...you can talk!" the man exclaims. "I truly am sorry for hitting you...is there any way I can make it up to you?" "Nine iron" the frog says. The man looks at him oddly. "Nine Iron?" he says. "Nine Iron." The frog says again. The man shrugs and takes out a nine iron. He lines up the shot...and it's on the green! The man jumps for joy. "Mr. Frog, thank you so much! That shot made my day!" With that, the two made their way to the green. The man takes out his putter and look at the frog. "Two feet to the right" the frog says. The man nods and aims to feet to the right. To his amazement, the ball follows a track towards the hole. For the rest of the day, the man asked the advice of the frog, and each time, the frog was right. At the end of the day, the man had made eagle on every shot. Overjoyed, the man says to the frog: "What can I do to repay you?" "Hilton...room 2178" the frog replies. The man smiles and nods, and takes the frog to the Hilton, room 2178. The man closes the door and sets the frog on the bed. "Now what?" he asks. The frog replies, "Kiss Me." "...Kiss you?" The man asks. "Kiss me" the frog says. The man shrugs and does so, and within seconds, the frog turns into a beautiful blonde seventeen year old girl. And that, your honor, is how she got into my hotel room. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Banky Report post Posted February 7, 2003 Q: What would you say if I put my nuts on your chin? A: Nothing, because your mouth would be full. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest The Amazing Rando Report post Posted February 7, 2003 what's better than sex with a 9 year old boy? Sex with a 6 year old boy what's better than that? Not getting caught Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Rob E Dangerously 0 Report post Posted February 7, 2003 How do you make a little girl cry twice? Wipe the blood on her Teddy bear after you pull out. Q: What's the worst part of kid's birthday parties? A: Cleaning the blood off your clown suit. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Texas Small Arms 09 Report post Posted February 7, 2003 There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest treble charged Report post Posted February 7, 2003 Voodoo Dick: A guy walks into the sex shop on the outskirts of town. He walks up to the guy behind the counter. "Hey. I'm going away on a business trip for about a week. I need something to keep my wife occupied so that she doesn't feel tempted to cheat on me while I'm away." "Ok. Let me show you what I have." The man shows him various dildos, vibrators, etc. "Nah, I don't know if any of this stuff will do the trick. Have you got anything better?" "Follow me." The owner locks the front door and leads the man to the back room. He moves some cardboard boxes out of the way, and takes out a small wooden box with some designs all over it. He opens it to reveal what looks like a normal dildo. "I call this the Voodoo Dick. It has magical powers." The businessman replies with disbelief in his voice: "Oh yeah? And what's so magical about it? It looks like a normal dildo to me." The owner says: "Watch. Voodoo Dick, Keyhole." The Voodoo Dick hovers out of its box and flies over to the keyhole on the door and begins to "fuck" it. "HOLY SHIT. How does it work?!" "I told you, it's magic." "How do you stop it?!" "Voodoo Dick, go home" The Voodoo Dick flies back to it's box and the lid closes. "Is there anything special you need to do to get this to work?" "Nope, just tell it where you want it to go as I did. When you want it to stop, tell it to go home." "I'll take it!" The man takes it home to his wife. He explains what it does and tells her how to use it and leaves for his trip the next day. A few days go by, and the wife decides to try it. "Voodoo Dick, my pussy." The Voodoo Dick flies out of its box and begins to work its magic. "Oh my god! This is great" An hour or so passes, and the wife is ready for it to stop. "Voodoo Dick, stop" It doesn't stop. "Fuck, how do you turn it off?!" She tries all these different phrases, but can not remember how to turn it off. She starts to worry and decides to go to the hospital. She gets into the car and drives to the hospital. As you would imagine, her driving skills are somewhat impaired at this point. She's swerving all over the road, almost killing someone. A cop sees her and pulls her over. "Whoa, Lady. Have you been drinking?!" "No officer, you see... I'm in a bit of trouble. My husband gave me this magical Voodoo Dick and right now, it's fucking me so hard that I can't control the car. I need to get to the hospital to see if they can help me." Naturally, the cop doesn't believe a word of this. "HAHA! Yeah right, Lady! Voodoo Dick, MY ASS!" ^ Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Flyboy Report post Posted February 7, 2003 What do you call nuts on the wall? Walnuts. What do you call nuts on your chest? Chestnuts. What do you call nuts on your chin? My big, fat dick in your mouth! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest LooseCannon Report post Posted February 7, 2003 That voodoo dick joke sucks. I can't believe it was posted twice. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest hardyz1 Report post Posted February 7, 2003 How do you get a priest to have sex with a nun? Dress her up like an altar boy. ------------ What's the difference between sand and menstrual blood? You can't gargle sand. ------------ If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose... Would you go to lunch or to a movie? ------------ Why do women have periods? Because they deserve them. ------------ What's the best thing about a blowjob? Ten minutes of silence. ------------ Why do most men die before their wives do? Because they want to. ------------ How many men does it take to clean a toilet? None, it's the woman's job. ------------ What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you already told the bitch twice. ------------ Why do blonds wear underwear? To keep their ankles warm. ------------ What do you call five blonds standing in a row? A wind tunnel. ------------ How do you get a one armed blond out of a tree? Wave to her. ------------ How do you keep a lawyer from drowning? Take your foot off his head. ------------ A guy walks in a bar and decides to get totally wasted. About an hour later, he stands up and shouts, "ALL LAWYERS ARE ASSHOLES!!". Someone else says, "Hey, watch it buddy." The guy says, "Sorry, man, are you a lawyer?" He says, "No, I'm an asshole." ------------ I'm done for now. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest saturnmark4life Report post Posted February 7, 2003 A guy pulls up to the curb and opens his car door next to a kid, and says 'For this bag of sweets will you come in my car?' and the kid goes 'Hell, for the whole bag I'll come in your mouth!' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest HecateRose Report post Posted February 7, 2003 A PAGAN IN HELL A Pagan dies and, to his great surprise, he finds himself standing before some pearly gates. St. Peter asks him, "May I help you?" The Pagan asks, "Where am I?" Peter says, "You're at the gates of heaven." The Pagan says, "But I don't believe in heaven." Peter frowns at him. "You're one of those Pagans, aren't you?" "Yes. I believe I'm in the wrong place; I'm supposed to go to Summerland." Peter says, "Sorry. We took over Summerland, and it's temporarily closed for remodeling." "What should I do now?" Peter says, "Well, since we don't allow Pagans in heaven, you have to go to hell. Sorry. Just follow that path that leads downward and to the left." The Pagan walks down to hell, where the gates are standing open. He walks in and finds beautiful meadows, happy animals, and clear streams of water. He walks on in and begins exploring, and after a few minutes a courtly gentleman walks up to him and bows politely. "Hello, I'm Satan. You must be the guy that St. Peter phoned me about. Are you a Pagan?" "Yes, I am. What's going to happen now?" Satan says, "Well, the fishing's pretty good, if you enjoy that sort of thing. There's a little refreshment stand down the road. And I believe the Pagan meeting grounds are right over the next hill." Suddenly, a hole opens up in the sky above, and a yawning chasm opens directly underneath it. The stench of sulphur fills the air. Hundreds of screaming, tortured souls drop down into the flaming pit, which immediately closes up with a thud. The Pagan, hardly believing what he just saw, asks Satan, "And what was THAT ???" Satan rolls his eyes. "Oh, just ignore them. They're Christians; they wouldn't have it any other way." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest CanadianChris Report post Posted February 7, 2003 Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought YOU were watching!" Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Respect The 'Taker Report post Posted February 13, 2003 How do you make a little girl cry twice? Wipe the blood on her Teddy bear after you pull out. Q: What's the worst part of kid's birthday parties? A: Cleaning the blood off your clown suit. Ah, Rob, maybe you should THINK before you post because... A) Your not funny B) Your sense of humour is revolting C) All of the above It IS a joke folder you know. Jokes are meant to be.....funny, and stuff. UYI Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Samurai_Goat Report post Posted February 14, 2003 A man recently died and decided, why not?, to be condemned to Hell. Satan walks with him in Hell, explaining how his punishment will be handed out. Satan: Well, what we do is we take you to three doors. You pick a door, and whatever is behind that door is what you must do for all eternity. The man understood, and was soon standing in front of three doors. Suddenly, Satan’s beeper goes off. Satan: Damn it! I’m sorry, look, I’ll be back in a sec. And he runs off. So the man now realizes he’s completely alone. So, he decides to take a peek behind the doors. I mean, what are they gonna do, send him to Heaven? He opened door number one, and behind the door was a room filled with people standing on their heads on a wooden floor. They’re faces were very red, and you could tell they had been there for a long, long time, upside down. The man didn’t think that was too pleasant. He opened door number two, and behind the door was a room filled with people standing on their heads on a concrete floor. They’re faces were very red, and you could tell that they had been standing on their heads for longer than the people behind the first door. The man thought this was even worse. He opened door number three, and saw a bunch of people standing knee deep in shit, drinking coffee. He thought: Hmm. The shit isn’t pleasant, but at least I get coffee. Suddenly, he could hear Satan returning. He closed the door and stood in front of the doors. Satan: So, did you make your decision? He said: I have. And I’d like door number three. And he was taken through door number three, given some coffee, and stood there knee deep in shit. He thought: Hey, this isn’t bad at all. I got off pretty well. Then, a devil said: All right, everybody, coffee break’s over, back on your head! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Respect The 'Taker Report post Posted February 14, 2003 *dies laughing* ^ Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest The Metal Maniac Report post Posted February 14, 2003 So, there's this nunnery, and in said nunnery, the head nun (Whatever they happen to be called) lets all the other nuns know that today is a special day, where all their sins of lust can be forgiven. "It's very simple," she explained. "If you have ever, for example, seen a man's penis, wash your eyes with the Holy Water. If you've ever touched a man's penis, wash your hands in the Holy Water. Understand?" Of course, they did, and a few nuns with some of these past sins headed towards the Holy Water. A little while later, the head nun heard a commotion, and walked over to see two nuns fighting by the Holy Water. "See here!" she yelled. "What's this all about?" One nun replied: "I just wanna gargle the water before this bitch puts her ass in it!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest caboose Report post Posted February 14, 2003 What do you get if a donkey eats a rooster? A cock in the ass. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Samurai_Goat Report post Posted February 14, 2003 A man, we'll call him Fred for no appreciable reason, gets sent to Hell, and he looks around. It’s not really that bad a place, kinda like earth, with a bit more leaping flames. He sees the devil, Satan himself, walking around, so Fred walks up to Satan. Fred: Hey, now that I’m in Hell, what can I expect? Satan: Well, do you like gambling? Fred: Uh…yea! Satan: Great! Because every Tuesday, we all get together, and everyone in Hell gambles. It’s a great time. Fred: Ok…well, what else happens down here? Satan: Well, do you like drinking booze? Fred: Uh…yea! Satan: Wonderful! Because every Wednesday, we all get together, and break out some booze, and we all get piss drunk. Even better, no hangovers! Fred: Hey! That’s cool! What else? Satan: Well, do you like drugs? Fred: You bet’cha. Satan: Excellent! Because every Thursday, we get a whole lot of heroin, marijuana, crack, speed, pretty much everything you could possibly want, and we get high as a kite. Fred: Man! That sounds awesome! What else? Satan: Well, are you gay? Fred: No. Satan: Well, you’re gonna hate Fridays. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
