Post a joke

[Guest Red Hot Thumbtack In The Eye]

A Rabbi, A Viking, A Muslim, and The President walk into a bar.

 

The bartender says "is this some kind of joke?"

[LaParkaYourCar 0]

A man walks into a bar..........and says ouch

 

okay now for the real joke.

 

A man walks into a bar and sees a horse with a sign that says "make the horse laugh and get $100." So the man walks up and whispers in the horse's ear and the horse laughs. The man then asks the bartender for his money. A week later the man comes in and sees the horse with a new sign that reads, "make the horse cry and get $100." So the man takes the horse to the back and when they come back out the horse is crying. The man asks for his money and the bartender asks him what he said both times. The man says, "the first time I told him my penis is bigger than his" The bartender asks him what he said to make him cry and the man says, "I showed him my penis"

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

A bum goes to a whorehouse with a pocketful of change and says "I wanna fuck a bitch for 78 cents."

 

The madam looks him over and says, "Ok, I think we've got what you're looking for. Just go upstairs, she'll be in the first room on the left. Don't turn on the lights. Just hop in the bed and go at it."

 

So the bum goes upstairs, and is thinking to himself, "Man, if they want me to leave the lights off, she's got to be mighty grisly. I'll turn 'em on just to take a peek."

 

So he goes in, flips the lights on, and laying in bed is this reeking old woman with white ooze dripping from every hole on her body. It even coming out of her pores. He runs out in horror, and goes downstairs.

 

He runs up to the madam and says "Jesus christ, I want my money back, that bitch had jizz leaking out of her body!"

 

The madam walks into a back room and yells out "Hey Ernie, get upstairs, the dead one's full!"

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

A bum goes to a whorehouse with a pocketful of change and says "I wanna fuck a bitch for 78 cents."

 

The madam looks him over and says, "Ok, I think we've got what you're looking for. Just go upstairs, she'll be in the first room on the left. Don't turn on the lights. Just hop in the bed and go at it."

 

So the bum goes upstairs, and is thinking to himself, "Man, if they want me to leave the lights off, she's got to be mighty grisly. I'll turn 'em on just to take a peek."

 

So he goes in, flips the lights on, and laying in bed is this reeking old woman with white ooze dripping from every hole on her body. It even coming out of her pores. He runs out in horror, and goes downstairs.

 

He runs up to the madam and says "Jesus christ, I want my money back, that bitch had jizz leaking out of her body!"

 

The madam walks into a back room and yells out "Hey Ernie, get upstairs, the dead one's full!"

[Guest EQ]

I've heard that joke before... only the version I heard, the guy leaves the lights off and actually fucks the dead girl a bit before he puts his hand on her face, feels the jiz and then runs out...

 

[Guest Angle-plex]

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

[Guest Angle-plex]

"Jane" was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they have sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp-only to discover a cucumber in his hand.

 

"Is THIS what you've been using on me for the past 10 years!?!"

 

"Honey! Let me explain!"

 

"Why you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent SOB!!"

 

"Speaking of sneaky!" he interrupted, "Maybe you'd care to explain our 2 kids!!!

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A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.

 

He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?"

 

The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight"

 

The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my grandaughter"

 

The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tommorrow morning"

 

The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst chinese torture tests ever known to man."

 

"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?

 

Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the grandaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many,many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.

 

That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."

 

Well, the next morning the man awoke to find a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 50 kg rock on your chest".

 

"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to RIGHT testicle".

 

The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: LEFT testicle tied to bedpost".

[Guest Youth N Asia]

A man walks into a bar and sees a horse with a sign that says "make the horse laugh and get $100." So the man walks up and whispers in the horse's ear and the horse laughs. The man then asks the bartender for his money. A week later the man comes in and sees the horse with a new sign that reads, "make the horse cry and get $100." So the man takes the horse to the back and when they come back out the horse is crying. The man asks for his money and the bartender asks him what he said both times. The man says, "the first time I told him my penis is bigger than his" The bartender asks him what he said to make him cry and the man says, "I showed him my penis"

 

the punchline works better with "I proved it" rather then "I showed him my penis"

[Guest EQ]

I agree

[LaParkaYourCar 0]

A man walks into a bar and sees a horse with a sign that says "make the horse laugh and get $100." So the man walks up and whispers in the horse's ear and the horse laughs. The man then asks the bartender for his money. A week later the man comes in and sees the horse with a new sign that reads, "make the horse cry and get $100." So the man takes the horse to the back and when they come back out the horse is crying. The man asks for his money and the bartender asks him what he said both times. The man says, "the first time I told him my penis is bigger than his" The bartender asks him what he said to make him cry and the man says, "I showed him my penis"

 

the punchline works better with "I proved it" rather then "I showed him my penis"

It also doesn't work very well written down. There's body mannerisms that go with it so I had to change the wording. That's where I probably messed it up.

[Guest EQ]

I find that many of my favorite jokes go over better when I tell someone in person.

[Guest Youth N Asia]

A man walks into a bar and sees a horse with a sign that says "make the horse laugh and get $100." So the man walks up and whispers in the horse's ear and the horse laughs. The man then asks the bartender for his money. A week later the man comes in and sees the horse with a new sign that reads, "make the horse cry and get $100." So the man takes the horse to the back and when they come back out the horse is crying. The man asks for his money and the bartender asks him what he said both times. The man says, "the first time I told him my penis is bigger than his" The bartender asks him what he said to make him cry and the man says, "I showed him my penis"

 

the punchline works better with "I proved it" rather then "I showed him my penis"

It also doesn't work very well written down. There's body mannerisms that go with it so I had to change the wording. That's where I probably messed it up.

To tell you the truth I already saw what the joke was so I skipped to the end. Didn't even notice the other flaws.

[Guest hardyz1]

Another joke about buying condoms...

 

An old guy goes into a pharmacy and asks the clerk for a box of condoms.

 

She asks him, "What size do you need?"

 

He says he isn't sure, so she reaches in his pants, feels around, and says over the PA microphone, "One box of Large condoms to the register." He buys the condoms and leaves.

 

Later, a younger guy, about 30, comes in and asks for a box of condoms.

 

She asks, "What size do you need?"

 

He says he's not sure, so she reaches in his pants, feels around, and says over the PA, "One box of Medium condoms to the register." He buys them and leaves.

 

Later, a 17 year old guy comes in and asks for a box of condoms.

 

She asks, ''What size do you need?"

 

He's not sure, so she reaches in his pants, feels around, and says into the PA, "Cleanup at the register."

 

-----------------------

Damn, I butchered it. But you get the idea.

[Guest Angle-plex]

Here is one I heard today, although it won't be as funny since you're just reading it.

 

Two guys are lost in a forest. They've been lost for a few days, and are very hungry and thirsty. In the distance they see an open field, with a campfire. They run to the field and sit down next to the fire. They decide to sleep there for the night.

 

In the middle of the night, a group of Indians sneak up and surround the two men. They have spears, so the men stand up with their arms up. The leader of the trible walks up to man #1.

 

Chief: You must choose: Buchi or Death

 

Man #1: Uh....I don't know what Buchi is, but I don't really want to die, so I choose Buchi.

 

The indians start jumping up and down and go around the man in a circle, chanting "Buchi, Buchi, Buchi!" Two indians hold the man, and pull his pants down. The other indians start fucking him up the ass, one by one. They start putting sticks, rocks, and anything they can find up his ass. The man eventually dies due to the pain.

 

Chief: Now YOU must choose, Buchi or Death!

 

Man #2: I don't want Buchi. Just give me death.

 

Cheif: Very well. You have chosen Death........by Buchi.