WWF Royal Rumble 1999 rant

[Guest kurtangledoesnotsuck]

ROYAL RUMBLE 1999

 

Your hosts are MC Crapper and Jerry Lawler

 

Road Dogg vs Big Bossman

 

Well the booking for this match made absolutely no-sense. Bossman is a tag champion with Ken Shamrock and Road Dogg is the Hardcore champion, but no titles are being put on the line. Ok, on with the "match" as they call it, in some circles. Much stalling to start and that's just a sign of things to come. Bossman wins the power battles and punches Dogg in the corner. Dogg comes back with the 10 punch in the corner and a dropkick. They go outside and Dogg crotches Bossman on the ring post. More brawling and back in and more punches by the Bossman. Big boot and hard whip get a two count for Bossman. Bossman applies the bearhug but Dogg fights out by biting the Bossman. More punches by the Bossman and he exposes the turnbuckle because he is probably as bored as everyone else who had to put up with this. A Bossman spinebuster gets two. Choke, punch, punch by the Bossman but Road Dogg comes back with the SLEEPER. Why put him in the sleeper when you can just show him this match on the big screen? More punching and the shake, rattle and knee drop gets a two count. But after what seemed like an eternity, Bossman catches Road Dogg with the sidewalk slam for three. DUD, of course. Bossman has no talent and Road Dogg is only suitable for tag-team fare. I don't see why they couldn't just put a few trash cans and fire extinguishers in there, to make it a wee bit more interesting. Hey, they may even have broken *, but that's pushing it a bit too far.

 

Billy Gunn vs Ken Shamrock © Intercontinental title

 

Hey, wait a minute, didn't these guys have partners in the last match or am I just imagining it? Brawling to start. Gunn clotheslines and chokes Gunn. See that DX moveset? It would make Lou Thesz blush with shame. Knee lift by Shamrock. Scoop slam, spinning kick knee drop gets two. Fame asser by Gunn only gets two as it's not an established finisher. 10 punch by Gunn in the corner. Outside, now, and they brawl for too long. Back in and that "brawling" gets a two count for Gunn. Shamrock works on the left leg and Gunn sells? Someone must have put something in his cocoa. Front facelock but Gunn gets a cradle for two. Tim White gets bumped, just to "liven" the match up a bit. Val Venis comes down, meanwhile, and DDTs Shamrock but that only gets a two count for Gunn. Scoop Slam by Gunn and he goes to the top, but he injures his ankle on the way down, and Shamrock slaps on the ankle lock for the submission. Thank God. I think everyone would have turned the channel over to the Golden Girls, if this went on any further. *

 

Vince talks to the stooges

 

Gangrel vs X Pac © European Title

 

Third DX member in a row. Side headlock, hip toss and a side suplex gets a two count for X Pac. Spinning kick by X Pac but Gangrel comes back with a nice overhead suplex. Gangrel hangs up X Pac on the ropes for a two count. Gangrel slams X Pac for two. Gangrel misses the top rope elbow and recieves a spinning kick and a lariat for two. Another spinning kick by X Pac and 10 punch in the corner for the third time tonight. Gangrel crossbodies X Pac but X Pac rolls through. However, Teddy Long counts to three even though two counts were for X Pac and one was for Gangrel. NOTE TO WWF - Why do you persist with Teddy Long when he screws up nearly every night and when he can kill a fast pace match with his anally rotund badger count? Anyway, a Gangrel powerslam gets two, but the X Factor finshes the match and X Pac retains. ** The match was good and Gangrel was impressive, but his terrible gimmick didn't get him far in the future. Whereas talentless idiots like Bossman, Road Dogg and Billy Gunn, were getting inane pushes. Oh dear.

 

DX talk about the Rumble match.

 

Sable © vs Luna Women's title Strap Match

 

Shane O' Mac comes out to promote Luna calling her a "hottie" Sable lashes Luna to start and we see some more of that dreaded choking that we saw earlier. Sable touches two turnbuckles but Luna comes back with some whipping of her own and a back breaker on the "injured" back of Sable. Luna rakes the back of Sable showing off her impressive 70s moveset. Infact, why didn't she go the whole hog and where a medallion to ringside with the Bee Gees playing in the background. Sable and Luna touch three turnbuckles and the mystery woman (Tori) comes out and punches Luna, helping Sable retain. DUD A truly horrible match displaying women who get money for old rope. Get it?

 

Thankfully, the action gets better, but only for about 30 minutes.

 

Rock cuts a good interview prior to his match

 

Mankind © vs Rock WWF title. I Quit Match

 

You've probably heard about this match. Is probably one of the most sick matches in WWF history, in which Rock destroys Mankind with a steel chair more times than was probably medically advised. Mankind gets the early advantage and he asks Rock if he quits, early on, but he says no. Of course not, he's the Rock!! Outside and Rock whips Mankind into the steel steps. Ouch. The Rock does some of his own commentary but Mankind comes back smashing him in the back with a chair. Back in and Mankind hits the double arm DDT. Socko comes out but Rock refuses to quit so they go back outside. In one of the funniest spots of 1999, The Rock puts the bell against Mankind's head, and rings it. Rock picks up the mic and sings, "bells will be ringing!!". He repeats the spot and they go onto the Spanish Announce table. However, the table breaks before The Rock can do the Rock Bottom and they both slump to the floor. They go up the aisle, brawling, and Rock hits a DDT on the concrete. That looked sick. Mankind won't quit and the Rock goes for the ladder. Mankind fights back but misses an elbow and he smashes himself against the ladder. He still won't quit. Rock and Mankind climb to the top of the stage and the Rock punches Mankind off, making him fall about 8 feet below, his body landing on the electrical speakers. The lights go out, but Mankind still won't quit. They go back to the ring and The Rock handcuffs Mankind. Mankind comes back with no hands but eventually Rock goes for a chair and destroys him with it. Rock gives him the peoples elbow onto the chair, but Mankind still won't quit. Mankind is really badly busted open and the Rock wears him out with a steel chair, hitting him 13 times. A shockingly bloody Mankind falls to the deck, The Rock asks if he quits, and he does, but it's a screw job as it is just a recording of him saying it. The Rock wins and the fans are p*ssed. ****, for the sheer effort from both men. If you ever get to see "Beyond the Mat", you will see how much an effect that match had on Mick's family and himself. Truly sick, but a must see match for Rock and Mankind fans.

 

Unfortunately, the good stuff has ended as we are now treated to the ROYAL RUMBLE MATCH. (Cheesey voice-over) 29 men, one woman, in a battle for a shot at the richest prize in the game.........................

 

The basic storyline is Austin hates McMahon and McMahon hates Austin. Austin gets shafted and gets chosen #1 for the Rumble Match. Shawn Michaels had other ideas, however, and made McMahon #2.

 

ROYAL RUMBLE MATCH

 

#1 is Austin and #2 is Vince. Vince looks huge and even bigger than Austin does. Wow. Austin brawls with McMahon, giving him a slam and a low blow. #3 is Golga? and he helps Vince only to get eliminated by Austin. Austin and Vince fight into the crowds, but Austin gets ambushed by the Corporation. #4 is Droz, but there is no-one out to fight with. Edge is #5 and he and Droz have a decent fight. #6 is Gillberg who gets dumped quickly by Edge. Damn, I thought he could've won. #7 is Steve Blackman who fights Droz. Meanwhile, Austin gets loaded onto a stretcher. #8 is Dan Severn and he goes straight for Blackman. Austin is show getting put in an ambulance. #9 is Tiger Ali Singh. Oh dear, I think I'm coming down with Jobberitis. #10 is Blue Meanie who looks totally hideous. The ring is literally swaying with wrestlers who usually find themselves on HEAT. #11 is Mable who eliminates Singh, Severn and Blackman. #12 is Road Dogg. Mable dumps Meanie and Droz. Road Dogg eliminates Edge. The lights go out, the music hits, and The Undertaker makes a token appearance. Although, it could be Marty Jannety. When the lights return, Mable is outside the ring, courtsey of Mideon and the Acolytes. #13 is Gangrel who brawls with Road Dogg. Dogg eliminates Gangrel. #14 is Kurrgan. #15 is Al Snow. Al and Dogg double-team Kurrgan, but Dogg turns his back on Snow and throws him out. #16 is Goldust. #17 is Godfather avec the ugliest hoes ever. #18 is Kane and he works as the world's biggest sh*t shovel, eliminating Road Dogg, Kurrgan, Godfather and Goldust. But the White-Coats come out to try and put Kane back in the loony bin. Kane beats them all up and then ELIMIMATES HIMSELF, to chase after them. #18 is Ken Shamrock and McMahon returns to do commentary, despite still being in the Royal Rumble. #19 is Billy Gunn, wearing only one shoe. He must have been in a loving moment with Pat Paterson and forgot to clothe himself properly. #20 is Test. Outside, an ambulance arrives which is beind driven by STONE COLD. McMahon does the custom gulp. Austin returns to the ring to throw out Shamrock. #21 is Bossman. #22 is Triple H. 24# is Val Venis. Austin dumps Gunn. #25 is X Pac. #26 is Mark Henry. Everyone tries to eliminate Austin, in a bid to try and win the $100,000 on his head. #27 is Jeff Jarrett. #28 is D'lo Brown w/ Terri and Jacky. Triple H dumps Jarrett. Back to Memphis, Jeff. #29 is Owen Hart. #30 is Chyna. Chyna eliminates Mark Henry only to get thrown out by Austin. HHH throws out Venis. Austin stuns HHH then chucks him out. Austin backdrops Owen Hart out of the ring.

 

Final Four. D'lo Brown, Stone Cold, Vince McMahon and Big Bossman

 

Everyone fails to eliminate Austin and so Bossman throws out D'Lo. Bossman gets stunned, however, and chucked out by Austin. It's down to two - Austin and McMahon. Austin hits Vince with a chair, throws him inside the ring and stuns him. But the Rock comes down to ringside to distract Austin, and Vince throws Austin out to win the Royal Rumble 1999. Terrible Rumble **

 

Everything was wrong with this event. The bad booking and severe mis-use of talent, destroyed the event. Although it has to be said that Austin, Foley, Rock and Vince were carrying the company, character wise, with the others providing a mere filling. The I Quit match was good but get "Beyond the Mat" for more in-depth coverage of this bout. Other than that, there is nothing to recommend. Two DUDS, One *, Two **s and One ****, is not sufficient enough to recommend this. STAY AWAY.