OAOAST IntenseZone - 2/3/03

[Guest Zack Malibu]

IntenseZone begins with a screen shot of the OAOAST Logo, and a voiceover...

 

The OaOast..a place of greatness. Superstars are made & Legends are destroyed here. However, it is missing something. Some one...

 

A HERO

 

*An unknown man appears on the screen, cockily stroking his chin, with the words "Andrew 'Your Hero' Hyland-coming soon to the OaOast beneath*

 

VOICEOVER

Andrew 'Your Hero' Hyland..coming soon

[Guest Zack Malibu]

JR:"Well, that wasn't on the format."

 

Jesse "The Body":"Nevermind that JR, do you know how much pull this guy must have to get the opening slot on IZ?"

 

JR:"Folks, welcome to IntenseZone! Tonight is going to be rather interesting, as we've heard from one OAOAST newcomer tonight, and we've got a new match in store for you."

 

Jesse "The Body":"That's right, it's a Drunken Deathmatch between Big Poppa Popick of Team OAOAST, and Sandman9000 of aWo infamy. Personally JR, my money says it goes to a no contest when you can't contain yourself from getting involved!"

 

JR:"Har har. Well, before we take alcohol abuse to a new level, let's get underway with tag team action!"

 

 

Tag Team Match-NazMinstry and GreenMist vs. Los Infernales (EL DANDY~! and SpiderPoet)

 

“Chop Suey” by System of a Down plays over the loudspeakers as Naz makes his way to the ring after jumping up through the ramp a la Rey Mysterio. He runs down to the ring and slides in, waiting for his tag partner. GreenMist comes down to the ring, looking around as he walks down the ramp with “Dawn of the Angry” by Morbid Angel playing. He steps to the top rope and looks around, taking off his Tajiri shirt and tosses it to the crowd as the two get ready for the opponents to come out.

 

Suddenly, “Always” by Saliva plays and the a single light shines on the top of the ramp as two men come out and stand. Fireworks go off as Spidey leads the charge of EL DANDY~!, together, as Los Infernales. Dandy stoically charges as Spidey slides into the ring, going to the second rope and getting the crowd’s attention. Dandy just looks at his opponents as Spidey and him get ready to fight. Naz decides to stay in as Spidey decides to start for the the heels.

 

The crowd chants for Naz as they circle each other. They lock up as Spidey gets a go-behind. Naz drops down and rolls back into a body scissors on Spidey, but Spidey drops him out again and gets a full nelson. Naz tries to do a drop toehold, but instead opts for the elbow to the face. He bounces off the ropes as Spidey tosses him into the air, but Naz dropkicks him while in the air and looks to the crowd for cheers, getting some. Spidey tries to quiet them down as they circle again. Instead of locking up, Spidey kicks him in the gut. He lifts him up and gives him a big chop, sending him into the ropes. Spidey whips him in and bounces off himself, flying in the air with a back elbow. He brings Naz up and whips him into his corner. He puts him on the top rope and goes to the top, signaling for the Top-Rope DDT, but Naz holds on to the ropes and Spidey goes to the ground, clutching at his knee. Dandy then pushes Naz off the top to the floor as the ref checks on Spidey’s knee. Then Spidey suddenly kips-up as the ref sees Naz on the floor, looking to Dandy, who just shakes his head to say no. Naz is slowly getting up as Spidey points to his noggin a la Jake Roberts and tags Dandy in.

 

JR: "GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY! NAZ HAS TAKEN A TERRIBLE FALL!"

 

Ventura: "That is just a great move by Dandy and Poet...great teamwork."

 

JR: "THEY CHEATED! How can you condone it, Gov?"

 

Ventura: "Because the ref never saw it."

 

Dandy stands in the ring as Spidey goes out and rolls Naz back in. Dandy just stands over Naz and then puts one foot on his chest and tells the ref to count. He gets to two before Naz swipes the foot away. Dandy picks up Naz and gives him a stiff forearm shot before taking him over to Mist and tagging him in himself. Mist steps into the ring as Dandy backs off, stretching out his legs Kawada style as the crowd oohs and aahs. Dandy circles with the much smaller Mist, who stops and sprays his MIST~! into the air as the crowd pops like MAD for it. Dandy charges with a lariat but Mist ducks and catches Dandy off the ropes with a dropkick. Dandy checks his mouth for blood and then they circle again. Dandy gives him a kick to the stomach and then takes him to the corner where he hits some BIG chops. He whips him to the other corner and nails Mist with the Yakuza Kick in the corner. He then picks Mist up by the waist and tosses him over his head, but Mist lands on his feet and goes up onto Dandy’s shoulders. He spins and looks for a rana, but Dandy sits out and powerbombs Mist...

 

JR: "STRAIGHT TO HELL! BY GAWD!"

 

Ventura: "Calm yourself, JR..."

 

Dandy then gets up and gives Naz a running high kick to the floor as he tags his partner in. He whips Mist in and lifts him up like a spinebuster, holding him up there as Spidey comes off the top with a missile dropkick to the face. Spidey covers for 2 and then locks in a rear headscissors. He slides over towards the ropes as Dandy squats down and grabs Spidey’s hands, increasing the pressure behind the ref’s back. The ref suddenly turns and sees this, so Spidey must release the hold. Dandy smacks the ref in the head and points at him as he passes by, and as he argues with the ref, Naz goes to the top rope and nails Spidey with a HUGE missile dropkick. He quickly goes back to his corner and rallies the crowd for Mist to make a tag. Dandy does the same for Spidey, but Naz gets tagged first! He hits a running dropkick to knock Spidey down and whips him in, jumping in the air and nailing a Frankensteiner! Dandy comes in from behind and hits a forearm, and then looks for a German Suplex, but Naz switches and gets a rolling reverse cradle! The ref sees that it’s the wrong man who Naz is trying to cover and breaks that up. Naz then gets right up and eats a Superkick from Spidey, which sends Naz backwards into the corner, where Dandy catches him, hoists him into a fireman’s carry and HITS EL DANDYATOR~! He then goes to the apron and knocks Mist off with a Yakuza kick. As he follows to pound on him some more on the outside, Spidey puts Naz in position, goes up top, and HITS the Spidersault! 1...2...3!

 

Winner: Los Infernales via Spidersault, 6:10

 

JR: "DAMMIT! LOS INFERNALES STEAL ANOTHER ONE!"

 

Ventura: "And they did it with perfect teamwork, too."

 

JR: "I still can’t believe you condone that, Governor!"

 

Ventura: "When I see something I like, I say it, and these guys I like!"

 

The heels pose in the ring as the crowd boos them loudly. Spidey grabs a mike:

 

“You people just don’t get it. We’re here and we wrestle our asses off for you. Well, we can officially say, SCREW THE FANS. We’re all for us. Los Infernales will be Tag Champs very soon. Don’t worry. Soon...you’ll all be safe...”

 

JR: "WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? BY GAWD! WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK!!!"

[Guest Zack Malibu]

::SP snatches the microphone from a stunned Michael Cole and glares at him, daring him to say anything else::

 

SP: Shut up, you little beady eyed cretin. I grow tired of that nasal flatulence that you so jokingly call a voice. Your tone, delivery, disgusts me. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you're worth anything with a mic. They're either insane or playing a rediculous joke on you.

 

NOW, on to GM and Naz. Los Infernales could care less about what we've done to them tonight. I certainly don't care about injuring them. If I had it to do over again I'd go find some acid and go after them with a super soaker full of it. But, these two are in our way. We don't want matches with two hacks that couldn't defend themselves in the dark. We want a match to determine the crowning of two new OAOAST Tag Team Champions, namely -- us. But since that doesn't seem to be forthcoming, fine, we'll sit back, take our time.

 

But Dandy and I want to issue a warning. Listen closely . . . midnight will descent upon you all. You will hear the chimes and you will fall by the fire of Los Infernales. For every one that says, "We will stop El Dandy and Spider Poet," we will yell, "CRY HAVOC! AND LET SLIP THE DOGS OF WAR!" And they will wear the wounds we give them with honor when they realize the greatness they have been beaten by. They will feel a band of brothers, railroaded by the force of the Fire Kings. Humbled. Bloodied. Beaten. But brothers nonetheless, bound by the inescapable fact that THEY. COULDN'T. CUT IT.

 

We are ablaze. And we will do no less than consume all that stand in our way. You are warned. You will burn.

 

::SP looks at Dandy, who picks Cole up by the collar. Dandy turns and throws Cole into the set, causing it to tumble back and over. Dandy looks at SP, who merely nods with a wicked smile before they walk out of frame::

[Guest Zack Malibu]

"Money is my Bitch" plays as evenflowDDT makes his way to ringside, soaking in the boos. He puts his hand over his heart.

 

evenflowDDT

I can't believe this... one week and not even a phone call? No apology? Oh, but I've been locked in a bathroom, I've been jumped. I guess actions speak louder than words, so can I get a moment of silence for my best friend, the asshole?

 

::the crowd boos louder::

 

evenflowDDT

I figured as much. I just, well, I don't get it. All this time, I could've been showing off my ::flashes watch:: custom-plated Rolex or even my snazzy custom-tailored threads, but I didn't want to rub it in your face. I was polite. Zack's not that polite, he's always showing off about this and that title shot, his immaculate geled hair, his shiny teeth... everything's got to be a huge spectacle for him... and yet I'M the one who gets boo'ed for modesty? Well then, I guess if that's what you want, roll the red carpet, it's time for a real spectacle, for a real winner - someone who can actually PIN A JOBBER. C'mon man, I bet on you going all the way... and you lose to Angle-Plex? Of all people, ANGLE-PLEX, who had to hide under the ring because anyone else could beat him?!

 

::evenflow laughs as the carpet is rolled as the crowd boos even louder::

 

evenflowDDT

Despite the fact that me even showing up in this $#!+ hole excuse for a town is more than you deserve, I've decided to grace you further by giving you the honor of hearing my new music. Play "Money is my Bitch" one last time!

 

::evenflow's theme plays::

 

evenflowDDT

Yes, that's what it's all about. You people don't appreciate me... why the hell should I care? I've got money money money, money is my bitch! Testify! But that's got nothing on my new music....

 

::an accountant runs down the red carpet and meets evenflow in the ring::

 

evenflowDDT

What is this, the return of IRS? What do you want?

 

Accountant

Well, it's about that bet you made on the Rumble sir. You bet on your friend Malibu to win...

 

evenflowDDT

EX-friend!

 

Accountant

...and since Angle-Plex won, because of the high odds, you're going to have to pay up.

 

evenflowDDT

And that's supposed to be a problem for me? What do I owe?

 

::the accountant whispers in evenflow's ear::

 

evenflowDDT

WHAT THE?! That's all my...

 

Accountant

Every last cent. Hopefully in the future you can live without your own island, or custom-plated this and custom-plated that. Or at least learn how to manage your finances.

 

evenflowDDT

Whoa whoa whoa, you don't understand. Without my money, I'm...

 

Accountant

I don't need to understand sir, I'm just an accountant. I'll be sending someone to repossess your things tomorrow. Oh, and as for your "new theme music", you have just enough to license one song, this retro beauty...

 

::The cheesy synthesized beat of the 1984 non-hit single from the Time Bandits, "I'm Only Shooting Love", plays over the loud speaker as the crowd erupts into laughter::

 

evenflowDDT

Hey, what the... am I a joke to you? This is all I've got, asshole! Do you hear me?

 

Accountant

Well then, you have 24 hours to enjoy it. Good day to you, sir.

 

::The accountant leaves, only for evenflowDDT to pull him back in and give him Suburban Angst! Half of the crowd starts booing again as he frustratingly chokes the accountant and puts a razor to his throat, only to move it up and cut the side of his face before throwing him out of the ring::

 

evenflowDDT

Boo me, laugh at me, I don't care! I have nothing now! I have nothing and you're laughing? I have nothing and you're booing? What am I supposed to give you people?

 

::The crowd resumes booing and laughing::

 

evenflowDDT (screaming)

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!?!??!?!

 

::evenflow drops the mic and runs from the ring, his eyes swelling with tears. The crowd remains hushed::

[Guest Zack Malibu]

JR:"All right, up next we've got a match featuring one of the current reigning Tag Team Champions, Cobainwasmurdered, taking on one half of perhaps the greatest duo in OAOAST history, Mystery Eskimo!"

 

"Ice Ice Baby" is heard within the confines of the arena, and a noticeable pop comes from the crowd as ME makes his way to the ring. As he stretches in the corner, the crowd starts making noise behind him. CWM has crawled up from under the ring, and is sneaking up on Eskimo...NO! Eskimo turns, and catches CWM in the act! CWM immediately backs down, as Eskimo eggs him on.

 

JR:"That lousy bastard. Damn that aWo."

 

Jesse "The Body":"Hey pottymouth. There are kids watching."

 

CWM steps into the ring and stares intently across the ring at MME. Eskimo and CWM tie up. They trade headlocks before Eskimo gets an armdrag sending CWM sprawling. CWM gets up and closes with Eskimo again but more warily. Eskimo goes for a collar and elbow tie up but CWM slips behind him and grabs him in a wastelock. Eskimo hammers CWM twice in the head breaking the lock but CWM hits a dropkick to Eskimo’s injured knee. Eskimo goes down in a heap and CWM is on the leg in a blink of an eye going for an Ankle lock. Eskimo flips over on to his back breaking the leverage though.

 

CWM backs up as Eskimo gets to his feet and the ref asks him if he’s okay. As the ref obscures Eskimo’s vision CWM sneaks up from behind him and hits a cheap shot. An enraged Jingus rushes into the ring-bringing Sandman in too. Before Jingus or Sandman can do anything though the ref separates them and ORDERS them to the back! CWM and Eskimo are left all alone. CWM meanwhile has locked in a figure four leglock. Eskimo looks like he’s going to tap any second but he manages to reach the ropes.

 

CWM pulls Eskimo to his feet but Eskimo is ready and lands an uppercut! Eskimo uses his good leg to land a roundhouse kick and then hits the BLIZZARD BOMB! 1…2…NO! FOOT ON THE ROPE! CWM got his foot on the rope at the last second! Eskimo doesn’t waste time arguing with the ref though and goes for a Powerbomb BUT YOU CAN’T POWERBOMB KIDMA…CWM~! CWM reverses into a face buster and goes up top! He’s going for The TEEN SPIRIT LEG DROP! HE MISSES!!! Eskimo throws his arm over CWM 1…2…OH MY GOD IT’S ELDANDY and SPIDER POET! Dandy and Poet pull Eskimo off CWM!

 

JR:"Los Infernales AGAIN?"

 

Jesse "The Body":"They have a point to prove JR. By any means necessary!"

 

El Dandy pulls CWM up and holds him for a SUPER KICK from Spider Poet! Dandy hits the AIR RAID on Eskimo! The two don’t look like they’re done but all of a sudden Sandman and Jingus come rushing out of the dressingroom and chase them off! But them Jingus and Sandman start fighting!

 

IT’S CHAOS!

 

Winner: Double DQ due to interference

[Guest Zack Malibu]

Outside in the rainy weather, an old preacher walks along, chanting. Words begin to form from the howling rain.

 

"Fallen! Fallen is the Babylon the great! She has become a home for demons and a haunt for every evil spirit, a haunt for every unclean and detestable man."

 

The man walks on, as another preacher, clad in a black robe and hood, walks into the camera's view.

 

"I warn everyone who hears the words of the prophecy. Yes. I am coming soon"

[Guest Zack Malibu]

JR:"What in the hell...looks like there's someone walking on the darkside!"

 

Jesse "The Body":"And he's walking right into the OAOAST! Our talent roster is going to be stacked, just in time for some huge shows!"

 

JR:"Well there's Zero Hour, and the grandpappy of 'em all, Anglemania. And speaking of new faces, here's a man who has something to say about someone we ALL dislike. Right now, let's take you to Mr. Zsasz!"

 

(The scene is a corridor of the arena)

 

Zsasz: People are sheep. As long as you feed them, they'll do whatever you want them to. I've spent my life, lost in thought, awaiting my purpose. training my mind and body. And when it came, I dedicated my life to it. It's almost complete. I have arrived in OaOast. I have seen your best, and I have stood, unwavered. For I have a purpose that none of them could ever comprehend. And unfortunatly, you can't make an omelet, unless you break a few eggs.

 

But every plan must have a beginning. The Genesis has already begun for mine. And one man, will experience it sooner, rather than later.

 

Angle-Plex, I am coming for you. I will destroy everything and everyone you have ever loved until you are broken. And then I willd estroy YOU. Your only solace is that, you will have been destroyed, for the glory of THE PLAN.

 

I'll understand if that's small comfort, though.

[Guest Zack Malibu]

Commissioner Popick is sitting in his office, when who should walk in but OMG THE SUPERSTAR~! The crowd goes crazy as the two men shake hands. Superstar gets straight to the point.

 

“It’s been a few weeks, hasn’t it? Well, I’ll tell you what. I’m sure as hell back. I’ve been sitting at home since AnglePalooza, watching everything that’s been going on…and I’m sick of it. What I’m talking about, is the aWo. I’m sick of Anglesault, Agnes, CWM, Sandman, and whatever other insignificant pieces of trash call themselves the Anglesault World Order.

 

Then I hear about ZERO HOUR. Wargames. The aWo vs. the OAOAST. Best of all…if the OAOAST wins, the aWo is DEAD. Gone. Destroyed. Disintegrated. And I can’t wait. There is no way in hell that the aWo can defeat the BEST that the OAOAST has to offer.

 

Or can they? The OAOAST has had NO direction as of late against the aWo.

Hell, Zack can’t even win the Royal Rumble without being screwed by the aWo’s Agnes. That’s why I’ve appeared tonight to say…I’m IN. I don’t care if I have to go in alone, if I have jobbers as partners, or if I have the best the OAOAST has to offer. As of tonight, I OFFICIALLY join Team OAOAST for Wargames. I don’t care if I’m the leader or not. All I care about is destroying the aWo, and sending them into history. See ya.”

[Guest Zack Malibu]

[OAOAST REPLAY: Zack turns and runs off the ropes, looking for momentum for a third SCHOOL’S OUT! Jingus finally goes down as Zack scrambles over and covers, the crowd is going insane, Jingus hooks the good leg, 1….2……3!

 

JR: “ZACK! HE’S DONE IT! ZACK’S FINALLY GOT HIS TITLE SHOT! GOOD LORD, WHAT A FIGHT!”

 

AP crawls out from under the ring! AP slides into the ring as Zack hops down from the turnbuckle, gets the officials attention, hooks Zack in a backslide, and with AP’s feet on the ropes the official counts, 1…2….3!

 

Jesse: “Jim, what the hell just happened?”

 

JR: “Jesse, I have no clue.”

 

Ring Announcer: “I have been informed by the official in the ring, that, that Angle-Plex was never eliminated. Therefore, the winner of this matchup, and the man to receive a title shot at AngleMania, Angle-Plex.”]

 

IZ cuts back from the replay to show the ring, covered by a red carpet. Bill Watts stands in the ring with a microphone.

 

Mr. Watts: Ladies and Gentlemen. It is my honor, to introduce to you, the 2003 AnglePalooza Rumble winner, and the man who will be a getting an OAOAST World Title shot......ANGLE-PLEX!!!

 

"Beautiful People" hits as the crowd goes mild. Angleplex walks out from backstage wearing his black "Don't Ban Agnes" t-shit, blue jean shorts, and Boston Red Sox cap. He taunts the crowd on his way down to the ring, refusing to slap their hands. He enters the squared-cicle and takes the microphone right out of Bill Watts's hand.

 

Angle-Plex: I want you to just shut the hell up! You see, this is my time. I was denied this speech last week due to backstage politics, and I'm damn well not letting a stupid son-of-a-bitch like you taking up my air time.

 

Mr. Watts gets frusterated, but lets Agnes continue with his speech without interrupting.

 

Angle-Plex: You see, for far to long have I been a victum. If you ask anybody in the back, they'll tell you I'm not main event material. Well I've worked my ass off for far to long to just float around in the midcard. I told you Bill, I told you that I wanted a title shot, anytime, anyplace. Know what you said? You told me you where to concerened about buy-rates, and this and that. You just wanted a poster boy like Zack Malibu to become champion. You see, I'm no poster boy. I don't kiss the boss's ass like the rest of those boys in the back. That's exactly why I haven't gotten my title shot yet. "The Office" wants somebody like Zack, or somebody like Anglesault to be champion. Well fuck them. If Anglesault was any kind of real champion, he would have stopped ducking me months ago. I've been following the son-of-a-bitch and the rest of the aWo for to long. They promised me everything, and I got nothing. I'm supposed to do what's best for the group. Well, fuck the group. I'm gonna do what's best for me now. And what's best for me is getting a shot at the OAOAST World Title at Anglemania.

 

Bill Watts gets another microphone.

 

Mr. Watts: Angle-Plex.....

 

Angle-Plex: I told you not to interrupt me you breathable piece of trash. It's because of you that I haven't gotten my title shot before now.

 

Mr.Watts: Listen Agnes, I make the matches around here. You haven't gotten a shot because.....

 

Angle-Plex: Because?

 

Mr.Watts: Well, you haven't gotten a shot yet because you're not GOOD enough. And quite frankly I'm not to happy with you getting one at our biggest show of the year, Anglemania.

 

Angle-Plex: Well that's just great, 'cause I really don't give a damn what you are and what you aren't happy with. I earned my title shot by eliminating 19 other superstars in the Anglepalooza rumble match.

 

Mr. Watts: You only eliminated Zack!

 

Angle-Plex: That's right. I lasted through 18 men and tossed Zack's pretty boy ass out at the end. Know why? Because I knew that was the only way I was ever going to get where I belong in this federation. I'm going to prove that to you, I"m going to prove that to these fans, and I'm going to prove that to myself when I get my shot at Anglemania. Whether it be Anglesault. Whether it be your pretty boy Zack Malibu. And whether it's yourself Bill, after Anglemania is all said and done, you are looking at the NEW OAOAST World Champion.

 

AP and Watts stop using words, and just give dirty looks. In a flash, the lights dim, and a familiar AngleTron video comes up on the screen...

 

"Die Another Day" echoes through the arena, drowned out by the crowd pop as Zack Malibu storms the ring! Zack charges, leaving AP to scurry into a corner, while Zack poses for the fans. Zack paces back and forth, and takes the mic from Bill Watts, who then leaves the ring and leaves the Pissed Off Prep to do his thing.

 

Zack stares AP down, then slowly moves the mic in closer.

 

ZM:"So this is what it's come down to, huh? It's not about cheating just me anymore...not about cheating BPP, or Tony. It's about cheating the entire OAOAST. I've busted my ass in this company for so long. We ALL have. And we have to settle for you as Rumble winner thanks to a screwjob? Not only are you screwing us over, but I think there's a few other people who feel screwed over as well!'

 

Zack holds the mic out over the ropes, towards the crowd, who yell in unison their dislike for AP's actions.

 

ZM:"Agnes, you know, deep down in that heart of yours, that I deserve it. I live by example. I pride myself with effort, determination. I refuse to let you, or any of you Ass Wiping Ogres to take that away from me."

 

AP:"Uh, Zack? Maybe you missed the replay. I won. You didn't. I've got the shot. You don't. The OAOAST World Title, win or lose, is staying in "the family" come AngleMania."

 

ZM:"Oh, you think so?"

 

AP:"I know so."

 

Zack turns away, then responds with a slap that knocks Agnes to the wayside! AP turns back to Zack, but before they can go at it, a ton of officials rush the ring.

 

AP:"You want your shot, beach bitch? You'll never get it now! And even if you did, you'd just CHOKE!"

 

Zack rushes past the officials, and takes AP down! He unloads a flurry of punches on him, but his pried off by refs and road agents alike. AP gets taken out of the ring, while Zack is held back.

 

JR:"Good gawd, cut to break already!"

 

Jesse "The Body":"Why, are you afraid you'll have to talk to earn a paycheck?"

 

JR:"No, I'm disgusted. Zack Malibu gives 110% each and every time, he prides himself on just being in this company. And Angle-Plex and the aWo have taken that from him."

 

Jesse "The Body":"Well tell Timberlake down there to cry me a river. Poor baby needs to get over himself."

 

JR:"Look who's talking."

[Guest Zack Malibu]

Drunken Deathmatch

Sandman9000 vs. Big Poppa Popick

 

There are three men standing in the ring. The official for the match, the ring announcer, and the bartender. The bartender has a bottle of tequila, a shot glass, and a bag of limes. The ring announcer is on the microphone to explain the rules.

 

“In this matchup, each competitor will take three shots of tequila. After that, every two minutes, the match will be stopped so that the competitors may take another shot. Pinfall or submissions are the only way to end this match.”

 

JR: “A drunken deathmatch! How about that Jess?”

 

Jesse: “Te-qu-ila…”

 

JR: “Jess? You’re drooling on the table!”

 

“White American hits as Sandman9000 makes his way down to the ring. Sandman is dragging a plastic trash can full of lighttubes down to the ring, as he also has an eight-foot ladder with him. Sandman doesn’t look happy to be here for once, as usually deathmatches are what make him jovial.

 

“My Hero” hits as Big Poppa Popick makes his way down to the ring. BPP has competed and come out victorious in deathmatches before, but he has never faces Sandman in Sandman’s own environment.

 

BPP enters the ring as the bartender pours a shot of tequila and hands it to Sandman. Sandman waves it off and points towards BPP, indicating that he wants BPP to drink first.

 

Jesse: “You don’t wanna drink Sandman? Then I’ll take it!”

 

JR: “Easy boy.”

 

BPP downs the first shot, then bites the lime for a chaser. The bartender pours another shot and BPP downs that with a lime chaser again. A third shot is poured, and a third tequila shot with lime chaser in ingested by BPP, who appears to be unaffected by the alcohol.

 

The bartender pours a shot for Sandman, who attempts to push it away. The official gets into Sandman’s face, ordering him to drink. Sandman takes the shot, stares at it with a disgusted look in his face, sniffs the drink and starts to gag as the crowd gets on his case. Sandman takes the microphone from the ring announcer.

 

“Folks, if you think I’m going to sit here and ingest this, this sewage, you are sadly mistaken. I don’t think you people realize that I am sXe, straight edge. I have chosen the clean life; a path of resistance, where I refuse to alter my state of being with such foul chemicals. If lower scums then me ::Sandman points at BPP and to the crowd, to a flurry of boos:: wish to do the same, then it is their lives they are wasting. However, for a matchup such as this, we in the aWo are always prepared. I have a little something here ::Sandman pulls out a sheet of paper, to another chorus of boos:: that my good buddy CWM signed when he was in control. It states ‘Any matchup in the OAOAST that involves the consumption of alcohol must involve myself, CobainWasMurdered.’ Therefore, my designated drinker for this matchup, everyone stand the fuck up! CobainWasMurdered!”

 

“Smells Like Teen Spirit” hits as CWM comes down to the ring, carrying a case of Labatt Blue. The 24 pack of beer already has a couple of cans missing, as CWM needed a couple of drinks after his matchup earlier tonight. Sandman hands the shot to CWM, who downs it with a chaser of his beer. CWM repeats the process twice more before handing a beer to the official and sliding out of the ring, as the official pockets the beer and rings the bell for the Drunken Deathmatch to start!

 

Jesse: “Hey, CWM, c’mere for a sec, and bring your friends with you.”

 

JR: “Stop that. You’re a professional, you’ve got a job to do.”

 

Jesse: “My throat is dry, JR, it’s hurting my performance. Hey CWM, did I ever mention that I’ve always been your biggest fan?”

 

JR: “Stop that.”

 

Sandman and BPP lock up before Sandman takes the early advantage with a quick knee to the stomach. Sandman breaks the lock up by firing away at BPP with big right hands, knocking BPP back against the ropes. Sandman shoots BPP off the ropes, BPP reverses the whip, but ducks his head as Sandman stops at the ropes and grabs one of his lightbulbs out of the trash can. Sandman smashes the bulb over the back of BPP’s head, as BPP falls to the ground!

 

Sandman breaks the rest of the bulb over BPP’s body, before grabbing two more bulbs. BPP is on his knees when Sandman smashes the two bulbs across BPP’s back, sending glass flying around the ring, and BPP back down to the canvas, holding his back in pain. Sandman sits on BPP’s back and starts to carve his forehead open with one of the broken lightbulbs!

 

Jesse: “Hey JR, if they don’t finish that bottle of tequila, do you think I could have the rest?”

 

JR: “No.”

 

Jesse: “I hate you.”

 

CWM stands on the outside, drinking his Labatt Blue, while Sandman continues to carve away at BPP’s forehead. BPP’s head is cut open, but BPP isn’t bleeding too badly. Sandman climbs out of the ring and starts tossing chairs into the ring, three chairs in total. Sandman slides into the ring and opens up two of the chairs, before bridging a third chair across the two. Sandman turns and floors BPP with a big right hand, as BPP is stunned at Sandman’s sudden onslaught. CWM tosses his empty beer can into the ring, which Sandman picks up. Sandman holds the bottom of the can against BPP’s forehead, before headbutting the top of the can, driving the bottom into BPP’s head, as well as crushing part of the can! Sandman holds his own forehead, as a small trickle of blood is coming out from where the can opening cut open Sandman’s scar-covered forehead.

 

Sandman throws down the dented can, and pulled three more lighttubes into the ring. Sandman lies the tubes across the chairs and signals for some kind of move? Sandman pulls BPP up to his feet, and pulls BPP’s head inbetween his legs. Sandman signals for the Messiah Bomb, and lifts BPP high into the air, when the bell rings, and the official forces Sandman to drop BPP on his feet!

 

JR: “Two minutes is up! They both have to drink!”

 

Jesse: “I’m sure not the first time in his life BPP has been saved by alcohol.

I wish I could say the same…”

 

JR: “Grow up.”

 

Jesse: “Like you’re one to talk, Hoss boy.”

 

The bartender hands BPP the shot, which BPP downs with the lime chaser. CWM finishes off another beer, tries to hop onto the apron but slightly stumbles, catches himself, then takes the shot from the official, cracks open the beer, and ingests both the shot and the beer at the same time. The official signals for the bell and his match to resume.

 

Sandman pounds away at BPP some more, with big clubbering forearms to BPP’s back, before BPP rolls out of the ring. Sandman follows, wiping the small trickle of blood which is coming out of his forehead. Sandman stops to grab two lightbulbs, before following the bloody and stumbling BPP around ringside. BPP stops by the announcers table, where Sandman smashes the two bulbs over BPP’s back while he tries to catch his breath! BPP falls to the ground, as Sandman wipes that small trickle of blood from his face again.

 

Jesse: “Dammit! I think some of the glass got me! I need some tequila to help kill the pain.”

 

JR: “What the, why are you so fascinated on alcohol all of a sudden?”

 

Jesse: “Why are you so fascinated with large men Rossie?”

 

JR: “…”

 

Jesse: “Oh you got nothing on that, do you?”

 

BPP is on all fours, his shoulders and left arm all slices up and bleeding. Sandman grabs half a broken lighttube from the ground, as well as BPP from the ground. Sandman turns BPP around, holds the broken lighttube against BPP’s head, and headbutts the tube, driving more glass into the head of both men! Both Sandman and BPP recoil from that impact, holding their foreheads. Neither man has a trickle of blood anymore, both guys have been busted open.

 

CWM polishes off another beer, noticing that his suitcase of alcohol is half-empty now. CWM is noticeably inebriated, however not much more so then usual. There is a pretty noticeable amount of empty cans around him, however.

 

Jesse: “Have you been watching CWM drink Ross? That man is like a machine!”

 

JR: “Nooooo, I’ve been watching the match and calling it like I’m supposed to!”

 

Jesse: “You haven’t been doing a good job, though.”

 

JR: “Better then you.”

 

Sandman is leaning against the ring apron, pulling a piece of glass out of his forehead. BPP is crawling on the outside of the ring, feeling pain like he has never felt before. However, BPP makes it up to his feet, and is ready for combat before Sandman is! BPP blocks a Sandman right and fires back with more of his own, but Sandman sneaks in a cheap knee to the jewels when BPP tries to grapple with Sandman, sending BPP to the ground.

 

Sandman walks around ringside and grabs his eight foot ladder, before bringing it around the ring. Sandman places the bottom of the ladder on top of the guardrail and the top across the ring stairs, effectively bridging the ladder! Sandman picks BPP up off the ground and rolls BPP onto the ladder. Sandman slides into the ring, looking to pull the no-hands somersault plancha over the ropes onto BPP! Sandman starts running, but the bell rings and the official literally dives into Sandman’s path! It’s drink time!

 

CWM hops onto the apron, slips, falls, and rolls into the ring. He grabs the shot intended for BPP and chugs it himself, no chaser. CWM stumbles back against the ropes, but manages to remain on his feet. CWM drops to the mat and rolls out of the ring, where he suddenly takes his shirt off, throws it into the crowd, and opens up two beers, which he proceeds to drink Steve Austin-style, to a mixture of cheers and boos.

 

BPP slowly rolls into the ring and takes the shot from the official. He drinks most of it before Sandman kicks BPP in the stomach, causing BPP to spew tequila. Sandman starts pounding away at BPP against the ropes, but BPP suddenly starts to become unaffected by the blows. Sandman can’t believe it, but BPP can’t feel any pain!

 

Jesse: “Wow! Look at that Ross! I want to be like that!”

 

JR: “Oh no you don’t. Guards, now!”

 

Jesse: “WHAT! Get your hands off me! Do you know who I am! Don’t touch me there! What! Handcuffs! Let go! I want to just get a goddamn drink! Let go, dammit! Hey!” Jesse has now been handcuffed to the guardrail by security.

 

JR: “::Laughing noises::”

 

Jesse: “You son of a bitch.”

 

BPP starts yelling and flexing as the crowd goes crazy and Sandman panics. Sandman quickly grabs a lighttube from his can and ringside and breaks it over BPP’s head, but BPP feels nothing. Sandman grabs two tubes and smashes them over BPP’s head and shoulders, but BPP starts flexing, as the crowd nearly shits themselves! On the outside, CWM sees what BPP is doing, and starts to flex as well.

 

Sandman throws a right hand, but BPP no-sells it and does the Hogan finger wag. Sandman goes for a kick to the groin, but BPP catches the leg, spins Sandman around, and decimates him with a nasty clothesline! BPP grabs Sandman, hooks him up, and delivers a Synchronicity Bomb through the three chairs and lightbulbs! Sandman lies in the wreckage of glass and metal, quivering in pain!

 

On the outside, CWM is “drinking” three beers at once, getting more alcohol on him then his mouth. He is completely trashed now, having drunk half a dozen shots of tequila and nearly the entire suitcase of Canadian beer. The crowd is loving his antics now, as CWM is going out of his mind on the outside. Back in the ring, BPP is dragging in every lightbulb from Sandman’s trash can, about 20 in all. BPP places half a dozen in the corner, pulls Sandman to his feet, and whips Sandman towards the bulbs, Sandman smashing back-first into the glass. Sandman screams out in pain and drops to his knees, as BPP grabs two more bulbs and smashes them over Sandman’s head and back.

 

Jesse: “Dammit Ross! I promise I’ll behave, just get me out of here.”

 

JR: “And Popick is in complete control of this matchup here Jess!”

 

Jesse: “You son of a bitch, you never call the match, you’re just doing it to piss me off!”

 

JR: “Do you think the Fallen Angel or Deliverance might be coming up soon Jess?”

 

Jesse: “::Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep::”

 

BPP is pulling Sandman up to his feet when the bell rings again. The bartender comes into the ring, but BPP just grabs the bottle of tequila and starts chugging away! The crowd is loving it as BPP ingests nearly a fifth of the bottle, before taking it away from his lips, posing, and spitting tequila as the crowd is loving it! BPP tosses the nearly empty bottle behind him, to where CWM is on the outside. CWM grabs the bottle and starts chugging away as well.

 

BPP decks the bartender in his alcohol-fueled rage. The official is smart enough to stay away from BPP, who looks completely insane. BPP shoots Sandman off the ropes, PRESSES Sandman over his head, then slams him hard to the mat. BPP suddenly stumbles backwards into the ropes, but regains his composure and appears fine.

 

JR: “Woah! It appears that BPP may have ingested in too much alcohol Jess!”

 

Jesse: “You can never ingest in too much alcohol, idiot! Let me free so I can show you!”

 

On the outside, CWM has finished the bottle of tequila, much to the crowd’s delight. For no reason what so ever, he starts taking his pants off, revealing maple leaf boxers. CWM starts swinging the pants over his head, holding the empty bottle in his other hand, before gagging and rushing over to the now empty trash can and sticking his head inside. The fans around ringside look notably disgusted and uncomfortable as CWM empties his insides into the can.

 

In the ring, BPP shoots Sandman off the ropes and goes for another press slam, but can’t get his balance to get Sandman up. BPP falls to the ground as Sandman hits a kick to the head, then turns his back on BPP and starts climbing the turnbuckles, looking for the corkscrew moonsault. However, BPP is up and shoves Sandman off the top from the outside, causing Sandman to flip over and SMASH THROUGH THE LADDER BRIDGED AT RINGSIDE, SANDMAN LYING IN THE MIDDLE OF A BROKEN LADDER! Sandman is dead in the wreckage, as a “Holy Shit” chant starts up.

 

JR: “GODDAMN! Sandman went through the ladder like it was nothing!”

 

Jesse: “I can go through a 40 like it’s nothing too! Let me free Ross!”

 

BPP looks notably queasy in the ring, as he starts to lurch around, the tequila really kicking in now. BPP sees CWM puking at ringside and rushes over before emptying his insides over the top rope, ONTO CWM and the trash can! CWM is covered with blood and vomit, as BPP hangs half-conscious over the top rope, blood and vomit dripping from his face.

 

Sandman is very slowly moving and crawling into the ring. CWM falls backwards to the ground, gets up, steadies himself, and grips the tequila bottle by the neck. CWM grabs onto the middle rope to balance himself and swings for BPP as Sandman pulls BPP off the top rope, and takes the tequila bottle straight to the face! The bottle only cracks as Sandman holds his nose and falls backwards, BPP landing on top of Sandman, official counts, 1…2…3!

 

Winner: BPP @ 12:43

Via: Pinfall, CWM Tequila Bottle Shot

 

BPP rolls over and vomits again, as Sandman holds his now broken nose. CWM pukes into the trash can again.

 

JR: “I don’t know what to say about what I have just witnesses.”

 

Jesse: “How about saying for your goons to unlock me and get me a drink!”

 

JR: “I think we’ll just leave you here.”

 

Jesse: “You had better be joking, or I will have you executed.”

 

JR: “Please. You can’t do anything Jess.”

 

Jesse goes into a rage and tries to attack Ross, but his handcuffed arm refuses to come along. After a couple seconds of struggle, Jesse sighs and gives up.

 

Jesse: “Goddamn I need a drink.”

[Guest Zack Malibu]

Credit to:Sandman, CWM, BPP, Superstar, Angle-Plex, EvenflowDDT, EL DANDY~!, SpiderPoet, Andrewisyourhero, Mr. Zsasz, and myself.

[Guest Angle-plex]

MOVE TO ARCHIVES~!