PROMO: I'm Gonna Be The Champion

[Guest Chuck Woolery]

House show. Adelaide, Australia.

 

The fans are raucous, cheering for all of their favorites wrestlers. Janus, in particular, gets a pop for his face appearing on the between-match video, as he is from Aussie-land. The crowd seems primed for some action, when the four quick cymbals and quicker guitar riff that begins “Damage Done” by Dark Tranquility blasts throughout the arena, as the lights go out and blue strobes begins to flash in time with the music. Mike Van Siclen steps onto the ramp, his arms extending in a bent crucifix under his acid-green jacket. He spins around the on the ramp, grinning like a madman as he breaks out of his spin cycle and steps cockily down the entrance ramp, sliding into the ring and extending his arms to the side, dropping his arms and letting his jacket slide off and to the mat. The referee, hassled, picks it up, as Mike motions with his hands for the crowd to give him more boos. The sheep... pardon, paying sheep... gladly oblige, and Mike grins at them, shooting them a look that dares them to boo him more. The crowd begins to tire of this game, and Mike, somewhat oblivious, grabs a microphone from one of the ring attendants. He lifts it to his lips, grinning a little bit as he begins to speak.

 

"I'm sure you'll all forgive the length of my match last night with Christian Blackwell," he says in a slow drawl, patronizing the crowd and they eat it up, cussing more at Van Siclen than a sailor in a day on the ship. Mike hears one fan's particularly nasty slur and remarks, "Whoa man, we're all friends here," before speaking to the whole of the crowd. "As I was saying, I know you'll all forgive me for how short my televised match was last night against Christian Blackwell. Unfortunately, I had a very bad case of strep throat," Mike pauses, letting the crowd yell at him as he grins to himself, "In addition to a mild case of the flu." Mike grins, letting the crowd think this is all and they boo him mercilessly for being such a pussy. "Hey now, that's not all. I also woke up in the morning to discover I had a very strange growth on my nail. It turned out to be a hair, which was actually just off the surface of the nail, but you can't risk an injury over this type of thing, you hear?"

 

The crowd hears just what they see - red, and they give Mike massive heat for it. A small "Pus-sy!" chant breaks out, and Mike simply smiles at them, treating the people like a few particularly slow eight-year-olds just learning their first word. The fans, in response, are undeniably livid, but Mike doesn't even pay attention this time, letting their boos slide right off.

 

"But enough about Christian Blackwell. Not like he'll amount to anything." Mike smirks, and the crowd boos even more. "Let's move on to this Sunday, when I, the man who is so Spectacular they named an avenue in New York after him, Mike Van Siclen... when I will become the new World Heavyweight Champion, a title that should've been mine many times before. But lest we forget... I've been screwed by a stable, I've been screwed by a referee, I've been screwed by a little stoner punk who couldn't lace my boot two weeks ago. But now, there's nobody to screw me... because this match is no interference allowed. Janus wants to call Uncle Tom, wants to call Uncle Willy, take out an insurance policy on that ten pounds of gold? Let him, by all means. Because the second one of them steps into this arena..." Mike grins and makes a motion around his waist with his free hand. "That title is mine."

 

Van Siclen turns around. "Oh, it's gonna be mine anyway. There's no doubt... absolutely.zero.doubt... about that. I will be the World champion, whether you like it or not." Mike grins through the crowd boos and points at a particularly fat person in a "Janus... the Door is About to be Shut" shirt. "You too, tubby." The crowd roars even more, and Van Siclen just shrugs. "I can't help the facts, folks. I'm going to win because while Janus may be smart..." Mike taps his forehead. "He doesn't have what it takes right here to be a champion."

 

"You see, Janus wasn't smart enough to make sure that he got the easiest draw in the first round, was he?" Mike pretends to think, mid-ring. "No, I don't think he was. Matter of fact, he drew the same bitch that put me out, and it takes some serious talent to do that. I was the smart one. I was the one who nobody thought even deserved to be in the tournament, so they gave the beaten-down "Hollywood" Spike Jenkins to me, thinking that I wouldn't be a problem. I check the internet, and I'd seen posts saying that the only threat ol' Holly would have was Dace. Well, I took care of that problem for you, didn't I, Jenkins?" Mike mock-waves at the entrance. "See ya."

 

"Was Janus smart enough to maneuver his way into a match the show before the title match and then get sick?" Mike again mock-thinks, and the crowd starts to boo him. Van Siclen shrugs it off. "Admittedly, I didn't know that the title match would be this show, but hell, I'll take that. Less chance of my flu affecting me. If Janus can somehow beat me, that's fine - he beat a man at less than 100%. But Janus won't beat me, because while I rendered his insurance policy invalid, I activated mine."

 

"You think I'm not smart? I got a no-DQ match against the biggest man in the game, folks." The fans, not knowing the match was no-DQ, go livid on Van Siclen, but Van Siclen simply motions for them to quiet down. "Oh yes people, don't try to deny it. It's no-DQ and I'm going to exploit Janus like the bitch he is. Code Red from a ladder? Maybe. Riot Act onto a chair? Probably. Cardinal Sin Clutch with some barbed wire? Oh, you'd better believe it, baby." Mike pauses to take a breath, and the crowd takes this opportunity to boo him again, but Van Siclen brushes it off without even thinking. "You know what, I've got no troubles with telling all of you this... because on Sunday night, I'm going to execute every word I said just like I said. Because that... is what... I said."

 

"Damage Done" kicks up again to a chorus of boos, and Mike mock-cheerfully waves to the crowd before rolling out of the ring, striding up the ramp with a cockiness that causes even more boos, but Van Siclen doesn't even care as he walks out of the arena. The between-segment video kicks up again, and the fans cheer for that, but his words stick in the back of their heads...

[Guest Edwin MacPhisto]

...is "That is what I said" your catchphrase?

 

It's, uh, kinda pedestrian.

 

I like the house show promo format, though, even if it does go on a bit too long.

[Guest HollywoodSpikeJenkins]

I'll bet money he loses to Janus, and no shows every show for the next two months.