Hey, remember that house show that didn't happen?

[Guest El Luchadore Magnifico]

Tell me what you think.

________________________________________________________________

 

As the final commercial of the break ends, a shot of the inside of the PEI Center, filled to the brim, fades into view. The camera swings around...wait, what camera? It’s a fucking house show, for God’s sakes. Oh well, use your imagination. Mindless hard rock blasts over the speakers as the “camera” pans over the crowd, capturing the bewildered look on each fan’s face as they wonder why they spent their hard earned money on a damn house show. Quickly cutting away from the apathetic audience, the shot focuses on the DDR Extreme machine, which sits proudly in the middle of the ring, loudly broadcasting inane Japanese techno while flashing lights in every direction for no apparent reason. Finally, we cut to Mark Stevens, who is hunched over his desk, a bottle of Jim Beam in his hand.

 

“Oh God...” the commentator mutters, “What the hell am I doing here? I could be at home, playing with my kid and enjoying my wife’s company, but noooooooo. Instead, I’m out here in Ballick, Canadia, commentating to no one for no reason. I give the best fucking years of my life to this company, and this is how they repay me?!”

 

“Ooof, tough break there, buddy.” Chimes in NTD, seemingly coming out of nowhere.

 

“Gah! What the hell are you doing here?!” questions Stevens.

 

“Dunno.” Shrugs NTD, “Some guy backstage yelled at me. He was all like, “Hey, angry gay guy! You’re supposed to be out there commentating!”, so here I am.”

 

“Dude, he was talking to Riley.” Responds Stevens, suppressing a laugh.

 

“Seriously? Last I saw, he was sneaking into the Janitor’s closet with Ben Hardy.” Says NTD, thoughtfully.

 

“Ugh, worst visual image ever.” Proclaims Stevens, seconds before throwing his bottle of alcohol to the ground in a spray of glass and hard liquor. “Dammit, let’s just get this thing started...hey, what the hell is that thing in the ring?”

 

“I think it’s that Jig Jig Revolution I’ve been hearing about.” Answers NTD. “The first match IS a JJR Competition, you know.”

 

“Fanfuckingtastic.” Replies Stevens, visibly disgusted. “Fine, let’s hand it over to Funyon, so we can get this started or something.

 

Funyon suddenly materializes in the ring, standing next to the DDR machine and looking completely bewildered. He shakes off his initial confusion as "Esaka?" hits, drawing a half-hearted pop from the audience. As the lights dim, CED appears at the entranceway, a purple towel draped over his head. A spotlight shines down on him as he quickly surveys the crowd before throwing the towel into the audience and jogging down the aisle, revealing the confident grin etched on his face.

 

“Ladies and gentlemen,” begins Funyon, “The following contest is...um, I dunno...dancing, or something. Your first homo, er, competitor, Ced Orrrrrrdonez!”

 

He slides into the ring and shoots Funyon a dirty look before turning to the crowd and saluting them. Ced then heads over to the DDR Extreme machine, examining it closely while the grin on his face grows larger and larger.

 

“COOL LA SENORITA!”

 

Ced’s examination is suddenly interrupted by the shouting of some latin guy, which precedes 2MB’s “La Senorita Virtual”. The fans are confused at first, but break into cheers when they see El Luchadore Magnifico wander out from the back, carrying his Mexican flag and wearing the World Title around his waist. Mag slowly makes his way down the ramp, staring quizzically at the DDR machine.

 

“And now,” resumes Funyon, “The second queer, er, dancer, he is the SWF Champion of, uh, Mexicans, I guess...El Luchadooooooorre Magnificooooooo!!”

 

As Magnifico approaches the ring, Ced observes him with an ecstatic smile, realizing that ELM doesn’t know the first damn thing about DDR. Magnifico rolls beneath the bottom rope and pops to his feet, his eyes still locked on the machine as he unwraps the Title from around his waist. He drops it and his Mexican flag on the mat before beginning some obligatory stretches, apparently not sure what he’s got himself into.

 

“Finally,” announces Funyon, visibly bored with the whole thing, “Our special referee for this spectacle of gaiety, er, competition, Sexton Hardcastle!”

 

Sexton magically appears on the apron and quickly climbs into the ring, greeted by scattered applause and one cry of “SHOW US YOUR BOOBIES!”. Sexton ignores said cry and stumbles over to the DDR machine, where Ced and ELM attentively await their instructions.

 

“Okay...” mumbles Hardcastle as he produces an index card from his back pocket. He begins to read as Ced and ELM simultaneously raise their eyebrows. “Um, the following dance competition will be split up into two sections. In the first, one of you will pick a song, and you’ll both play that song. The person who picks will be determined by coin toss, and the winner will be the person with the most perfects at the end of the song.”

 

The crowd’s already bored out of their fucking skulls, and Magnifico looks more confused than ever. Sexton sighs to himself as he continues reading. “The second section will be freestyle, in which you pick any song on any difficulty and do a freestyle routine to it. The winner will be gauged by crowd reaction.”

 

At this point, ELM is completely bewildered, while Ced is looking cooler and more confident by the second. Meanwhile, Sexton yoinks a coin out of his pocket and asks ELM to pick a side.

 

“Um, tails, I suppose.” Says Magnifico, uncertainly. Sexton flips the coin into the air and lets it land unceremoniously on the mat, flipping and bouncing several times before coming to a rest. Hardcastle falls to one knee and examines the coin.

 

“It’s tails.” Sexton proclaims in a drunken stupor. “The Mexican guy picks the song.”

 

A look of terror crosses ELM’s face as Hardcastle collapses to the mat, lost in his drunkenness. Ced turns to Magnifico, grins in his face, and steps onto the DDR pad. ELM nervously follows, completely lost as he examines the buttons on the front of the machine. Magnifico turns to Ced and observes as he hits the yellow and green buttons, quickly bringing the screen to the difficulty selection stage. Ordonez shuffles his little selector over to Heavy and picks it, and Magnifico, convinced he’s supposed to do the same, follows suit, which brings the luchadore to the song selection screen. Marveling at the number of choices spread out before him, ELM slowly scrolls through the list, listening for a second or two to each song that he passes.

 

“Oh God, Magnifico has no fucking idea what he’s doing.” Proclaims Stevens. “This is a goddamn waste of time.”

 

“I dunno,” counters NTD, “While Magnifico seems to be completely new to DDR, I also realize that I want a piece of his hot latin ass.”

 

“Jesus!” cries Stevens, disgusted.

 

Finally, ELM comes to a song that seems to catch his fancy. Ced looks at the screen, and immediately bursts into laughter when he sees Magnifico select Max 300, which is easily one of the most impossibly hard songs in the entire mix. Offended by Ced’s mindless chuckling, ELM backs away from the screen and centers himself on the pad, seemingly wondering where the hell he’s supposed to stand on this thing. Ced lets loose one more chuckle before turning to the screen, preparing himself for the oncoming onslaught of arrows.

 

“Well, here we go, I guess.” Stevens lazily announces. “Judging from Ced’s reaction, it seems as though Magnifico has unwittingly picked a very, very, hard song.”

 

As ELM and Ced lock their eyes on the screen, the fast-paced music begins pounding through the speakers, followed by the appearance of the words” Here We Go!” on the screen. As soon as the words fade away, a multitude of arrows begin streaming up the screen, indicating that both competitors better get to steppin’. Ced immediately springs into action, his feet becoming a whirlwind of movement as he follows the patterns dictated by the noisy dancing machine!

 

PERFECT! PERFECT! GREAT! PEFRECT! GREAT! GREAT! PERFECT! PERFECT! PERFECT! PERFECT! GREAT!

 

Thus proclaims the screen as Ced hits step after step, easily perfecting all the jumps, gallops, and just plain weird steps that this song has to offer. The same stupid grin returning to his face, Ced turns to Magnifico, assured that the Mexican will be flailing around mindlessly on the dance pad, completely clueless. However, what Ordonez does see is Magnifico’s feet moving just as fast as his own, hitting the dance steps with incredible precision and accuracy!

 

PERFECT! PERFECT! PERFECT! PERFECT! GREAT! PERFECT! PERFECT! PERFECT! GREAT! GREAT! PERFECT!

 

Ced’s jaw immediately drops a good five inches, completely shocked at the skill in which Magnifico is displaying. ELM notices Ced observing him, and grins wickedly at Ordonez before pointing at his side of the screen. Ordonez turns back to the screen and immediately cries out “Son of a bitch!”

 

Boo! Boo! Boo! Miss...Miss...Good! Boo! Boo! Miss...

 

In his surprise, Ordonez completely forgot about his own game, and has been playing like crap as a result! Ced immediately gets himself back on time with the song as it approaches the climax, which is really freaking hard. The flurry of feet finally comes to a finale as the last arrows leave the screen, signaling the end of the song. A surprised and intrigued crowd releases a loud cheer, which easily drowns out the pre-recorded cheering dancing from the machine. As the announcer proclaims, “Your dance is fantastic! It’s like sunshine on a cloudy day!”, both men’s scores pop up on the screen. A concerned Ced examines the screen for a moment....before falling back onto the game’s support bar, a look of shock on his face. The crowd’s cheering only grows louder as a grinning Magnifico examines the screen for himself, which reads...

 

PERFECTS 577 PERFECTS 554

 

Funyon quickly stubs out the oversized cigar he’s smoking and hastily looks around for his microphone. “Erm, the winner of the first round, by, uh, dancing better than the other guy, Magnifico!” announces Funyon, before grabbing another cigar and quickly re-lighting it.

 

“And Magnifico takes the first round!” proclaims Stevens in mock excitement. “He beat Ced by...by, uh...ah, some goddamn number, you get the idea.”

 

“Wheee!” shouts NTD, like the giddy schoolgirl he is. “That was great! They were all, “Oooh, what’s up, my dance is more fantastic than yours, beeeyatch.””

 

“They weren’t like that at all, assbag.” Replies Stevens bitterly.

 

“Well! Aren’t you the grumpy one!” announces NTD, which earns him a smack to the back of the head from the angry and probably drunk Mark Stevens.

 

Ced turns to Magnifico, who has a smile on his face a mile wide. This infuriates Ordonez, and it looks like he’s about to bash ELM right in his fucking jaw. However, the Filipino manages to calm himself down, determined to win this contest. Gritting his teeth and clenching his fists, Ced gestures to the pad and offers for Magnifico to begin the Freestyle contest. ELM graciously accepts, moving to the center of the two pads as Ced steps onto the mat, cursing Magnifico beneath his breath. ELM breezes through the initial selections quickly, picking Doubles and Standard difficulty before reaching the song selection screen, which Magnifico now deftly scrolls through, apparently searching for one specific song. Finally, his marker comes to rest on Naoki’s “Broken My Heart”. Grinning wildly, ELM selects said song and steps backwards, positioning himself in the center of the two pads. As Ced looks on, his arms crossed and his face disbelieving, the familiar phrase of “Here We Go!” appears on the screen, signaling the beginning of Magnifico’s selected song.

 

“YOU BROKE-A MY HEARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRT!!”

 

As the arrows begin scrolling up the screen, ELM suddenly leaps into the air and spins around, leaping onto the pads and hitting his first steps facing away from the screen! Magnifico gazes at Ced, a cocky grin on his face as he hits nearly every arrow scrolling up the screen, throwing in a few twists and flashy arm movements while doing so. Cursing loudly, Ced puts his hands on his hips and turns away from the machine, just as Magnifico begins Moonwalking across the pad, drawing a cheap pop from the audience.

 

“You've broken my heart (broken my heart)

This can't be right (no, no, not right)

I'm teling you I knooooooooooow it's true,

That I'd die for you (die for you)

Baby, broken my heart.....”

 

As the fast-paced refrain pounds over the speakers, ELM’s feet glide across the pad, guiding the luchadore as he nails the steps commanded by the machine, playing to the crowd as he does so. Suddenly, the luchadore hits the ground and segues into some kind of pommel horse routine, hitting the arrows with his palms and twirling his legs beneath him! All Ced can do is look on, dejected, as the easily impressed crowd cheers like mad.

 

“Baby, you were everything (everything)

Now you say it's over, I know -

That you won't be coming back

 

You've broken my heart!

Torn me apart

It can't be right...”

 

Not missing a beat, Magnifico springs out of his gymnastics exhibition, returning to the conventional way of playing by hitting the pads with his feet. As the songs nears it’s climax, Magnifico arches his back and unnecessarily thrusts his groin forward, drawing “WHOOOO”s from all the horny women and an incredible amount of cringing from the men.

 

“Maybe I was wrooooong to see

The evil in you (evil in you)

Broken my heart (broken my heart)

Right from the start (yeah, from the start)

I just can't belieeeeeeeve it's true

You throw me away (throw me away)

Baby, broke my heaaaaaaaaart!”

 

As the final step scrolls towards the top, Magnifico once again falls onto his hands, hitting the pad with a picture perfect handstand! The last notes of the song fade away as Magnifico cranes his neck back, grinning ecstatically at Ced. Ordonez counters with a cold smirk, which remains painted on his face as ELM flips out of the handstand and gets back to his feet. As the confused yet pleased fans cheer their brains out, Magnifico strolls off of the pad, allowing Ced to climb on, determined to show up Magnifico.

 

“Well, I don’t know much about Dance Dancing,” admits Stevens, “But I must say, Magnifico looked like a complete fucking idiot up there. You know WHY I’m still in this business?! Because I didn’t piss away my legacy by entering dancing contests!!”

 

“No, you did it by being a bitter and incompetent announcer.” Chimes in NTD, matter-of-factly. Stevens turns to him, a surprised look on his face.

 

“That was actually pretty clever.” Says Stevens, mere seconds before socking NTD in the jaw, sending the pantsless freak to the ground, crying.

 

Gritting his teeth and mumbling under his breath, Ced quickly scrolls through the song selections. Slowly, a sinister grin comes across his face as his selector comes to a halt on “Let’s Groove”, the very epitome of remixed disco! Ordonez immediately selects the song, backs up a few paces, and melodramatically begins to stretch out and crack his knuckles while Magnifico looks on with a skeptical grin on his face. As the same annoying announcer shouts “Are you ready?!”, the song kicks up, amidst a collection of excited murmurs and cheers from the crowd.

 

“HIT, THE BOOGIE, DOWN, DOWN! HIT, THE BOOGIE DOWN, DOWN!”

 

As the digitized voice belts out the above commands, Ced suddenly jumps into the air, spinning away from the screen, and lands on his feet, hitting the first step with remarkable precision! From there, Ordonez gracefully glides along the pad, going from freeze arrow to freeze arrow with unprecedented grace and charm!

 

“LET’S GROOVE TONIGHT! SHARE THE SPICE OF LIFE! BABY SPICE IT RIGHT! WE’RE GONNA GROOOVE TONIGHT!”

 

Upon hearing these words, Ced launches into an intricate and somewhat amusing disco routine, as he shakes his hips, shuffles his hands, and points to the sky, all in tune with the funky beat. Magnifico raises an eyebrow, impressed, as Ordonez effortlessly hits every step while wowwing the crowd with his outdater yet delightful moves!

 

“LET THIS GROOVE....ALL RIGHT! OOH-WAAA! LET THIS GROOVE! STAND UP UP UP UP UP UP UP UP!”

 

Suddenly, the song slows to a crawl, and as it does, Ced’s moves suddenly become jerky and robotic, drawing an incredible pop from the crowd!

 

“Holy shit!” cries NTD, “He’s doing the robot!”

 

ELM uncrosses his arms and glares at Ced, his mouth wide open as an expressionless Ordonez dances like the mechanized marvel he is.

 

“LET THIS GROOVE, LIGHT UP YOUR MOOD! ALL RIGHT, ALL RIIIIIGHT! OOOH-WAAA!”

 

The song returns to its normal BPM, prompting Ced to launch back into his disco dancing, as he does a stylized version of the hussle to the delight of the audience. As the routine winds down, Ordonez finishes with a flurry, as he works in an afro tilt, a 360 spin, and a little bit of jive before hitting the final arrow and thrusting his finger towards the sky.

 

“Wow, that was, um, great, or something.” Mutters Stevens. “Can we get a judgment or something already? I’m out of booze over here."

 

With the fans still murmuring from fantastic routine they just witnessed, Ced steps off of the pad and swaggers over to Magnifico, standing next to him as Sexton pulls himself out of his drunken stupor. Hardcastle slowly stands up as a microphone magically materializes in his hands, apparently so he can end this god-awful mockery of professional wrestling.

 

“Alright, EVERYONE SHUT UP!” commands Sexton, his hand on his temple. “Now it’s time to decide who’s routine was more fagtastic...er, fantastic. If you liked the crazy filipino guy over here, cheer, or something.”

 

Obliging, the fans release a respectable pop for Ced, who modestly accepts it while bowing at the crowd. After a few seconds, their cheering dies down, allowing Hardcastle to continue.

 

“Okay...and if you liked this, um...hey, buddy, where are you from again?” questions Sexton.

 

“Mexico, mi amigo tonto.” Answers ELM, annoyed.

 

“Right, right. If you liked the dirty spic over here, you inarticulate monkeys should cheer now!” informs Sexton.

 

Disregarding the insult, the fans release a MASSIVE pop, not showing the tiniest bit of favoritism as they decide Magnifico to be the finest DDRer in the SWF. As ELM grins widely, basking in the joy of victory, Ced falls onto his knees and sobs uncontrollably, realizing that his gimmick is worthless now and merchandise sales are sure to tumble.

 

“Well, that was homoerotic fun for the whole family, if you ask me.” Announces NTD, beaming.

 

“That it was, NTD, that it was.” Responds Stevens. “Stick around, people who I’m imagining are watching, because we’ve got...something next, damned if I know.”

[Guest CED Ordonez]

Damn...I would've lost miserably...

 

*goes off to conquer bag on Heavy mode*

[Guest Thoth]

I haven't played bag yet.

 

ASSHOLES~

[Guest CED Ordonez]

Hey Thoth, bag is an exceptionally (deceptionally?) easy 10 footer to pass if it's at 3X speed.

 

Paranoia survivor on the other hand kills me at the third slowdown.