Best Sketch in SNL history

[Guest bob_barron]

Announcer: Hi! Get ready for big money and big prizes on "Stand-Up & Win!" And now, it's time to bring out our host - make him feel welcome - Bobby Wheat!

 

Bobby Wheat: [ runs onstage ] Hey! How's everybody doin'? Welcome to "Stand-Up & Win", where stand-ups compete for big money! Contestants - thanks for makin' it! Are you ready to play? [ the three stand-up contestants sound their eagerness ] Okay! Hands on buzzers, here's our opening question: "What's the Deal with Airplane Food?" [ Billy buzzes in ] Billy!

 

Billy: I know! Could this stuff taste any worse? It's, like, "Thanks, but no thanks. I'm still stuffed from that huge bag of smoked almonds!"

 

Bobby Wheat: That's correct, Billy! That's worth $100! And control of our board! Okay, let's take a look at our categories! They are: Airplanes; Breakfast Cereals; Commercials; Chicken McNuggets; 7-11 Employees; and Gilligan's Island. Okay, Billy, what'll it be?

 

Billy: Let's stick with "Airplanes", for $100.

 

Bobby Wheat: Okay! Here's the question: "And What's With That Beef Stroganoff They Serve You?"

 

[ Tommy buzzes in ]

 

Tommy: I know! It's looking at you, like, "Come on! I dare you! [ incorrect answer ]

 

Barry: [ buzzes in ] Beef Stroganoff?! Isn't that getting a little loose with that language? [ incorrect answer ]

 

Billy: [ buzzes in ] And the guy next to me, he likes it! He can't get enough of it! I'm looking for a dog to slip it to, this guy's asking for thirds!

 

Bobby Wheat: That's right, Billy! And you're on a roll!

 

Billy: Let's keep going with "Airplanes", for $200.

 

Bobby Wheat: "Airplanes" for $200: "And what is the Deal With the Black Box?" [ Tommy buzzes in ] Tommy!

 

Tommy: It's the only thing that survives the crash - why don't they build the whole plane out of the Black Box!

 

Bobby Wheat: I know! I mean.. that's right!

 

Tommy: Let's try "Breakfast Cereals", Bobby!

 

Bobby Wheat: For $100: "What is the Deal With Count Chocula?"

 

[ Billy buzzes in ]

 

Billy: I mean, are we supposed to be a-fraid of this guy?

 

Bobby Wheat: Keep going!

 

Billy: Let's go to commercials for $100!

 

Bobby Wheat: "Have You Seen This One For the Clapper? I Mean, Have You Seen This?"

 

[ Tommy buzzes in ]

 

Tommy: I'm thinking, "Is that the same old lady who said 'I've Fallen, and I Can't Get Up'!" [ incorrect answer ]

 

Barry: [ buzzes in ] Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?! [ incorrect answer ]

 

Bobby Wheat: Sorry! The correct answer is "Clap On, Clap Off? I'm watching TV - everytime someone gets a round of applause, my garage door goes up and down!" [ reads it again so the audience will laugh ] Okay! Let's take a break and meet contestants.. [ approaches him contestants ] Tommy Shelton - you've been on "Evening at the Improv" a total of six hundred times!

 

Tommy: Thanks, Tommy! It's great to be here!

 

Bobby Wheat: [ taps Tommy's collar microphone ] Tommy, what is the deal with these microphones?!

 

Tommy: I know! Look how small it is! What am I, Andre the Giant?

 

Bobby Wheat: I know! Okay! Here's Barry Rice! Barry, what gives with the hair!

 

Barry: I know what you're thinking - somebody went to Supercuts and fell asleep in the chair!

 

Bobby Wheat: Okay! And here's Billy Travis! Billy, you're appearing at the Laugh Shack!

 

Billy: Hey, I can't follow that.

 

Bobby Wheat: Okay! Back to the game! Billy, you still have control!

 

Billy: Okay, let's do "Chicken McNuggets" for $100!

 

Bobby Wheat: "Chicken McNuggets" for $100: "Could Somebody Explain These Things?"

 

[ Barry buzzes in ]

 

Barry: [ buzzes in ] Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?! [ incorrect answer ]

 

Tommy: [ buzzes in ] What I want to know is, what part of the chicken does the McNugget come from?!

 

Bobby Wheat: That is right! We would have also accepted: "If it McComes from where I McThink it does - I don't want ot McEat it!"

 

Tommy: Let's try "7-11 Employees" for $100!

 

Bobby Wheat: For $100: "Who Are These People?"

 

[ Billy buzzes in ]

 

Billy: Could somebody fill me in, because I'd like to know!

 

Bobby Wheat: That's right!

 

Billy: Let's keep going, for $200.

 

Bobby Wheat: For $200 - alright: "And How About This Beef Jerky? What Kind of Mystery Meat Is This?

 

[ Tommy buzzes in ]

 

Tommy: It's kind of saying, "Am I beef? Am I jerky? Am I jerky? Am I beef..? Just what am I!" [ incorrect answer ]

 

Barry: [ buzzes in ] It's kind of saying, "Do you chew me? Am I a cigar? Am I am actual food product..?" [ incorrect answer ]

 

Barry: [ buzzes in ] Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?! [ incorrect answer ]

 

Bobby Wheat: Sorry! The correct answer is: "Forget about this beef jerky! What about these Big Gulps?! Could we possibly need this much Mountain Dew?" Billy, you still have control of the board!

 

Billy: Back to "Cereals", for $200.

 

Bobby Wheat: "Cereals", for $200: "Grape Nuts - You Open It Up, No Grapes, No Nuts! What's the Deal?"

 

[ Tommy buzzes in ]

 

Tommy: I think it's just an expression.

 

Bobby Wheat: [ surprised ] Oh. That's correct!

 

Tommy: Alright! Give me "Gilligan's Island", Bobby!

 

Bobby Wheat: "Gilligan's Island". for $100: "A Three Hour Tour? A Three Hour Tour?"

 

[ Tommy buzzes in ]

 

Tommy: I know! Why do they have all those clothes? And what's the deal with the Professor? He can make a radio out of a coconut, but he can't fix a hole in the damn boat! I mean, hey! And the Skipper and Gilligan, what is the deal there? Why don't they date Mary-Ann? I'm starting to wonder about that "Little Buddy" stuff!

 

Bobby Wheat: Okay, okay! That's plenty! Alright, now it's time for Final Stand-Up & Win! And the Final category is: "Oprah". And the Final question is: "Oprah - What is the Deal With Her?" Okay, while you're thinking it over - Larry, tell us what our winner gets.

 

Announcer: He'll get a year's supply of those things that are at the end of your shoelaces! What are those things? They don't have a name!

 

Bobby Wheat: Okay, we're back! Once again, the Final question is: "Oprah - What's the Deal With Her?" Let's see what our players wrote. First, Tommy: "I know, what gives with this woman? Is she hurting for guests, or what? I mean, how many times do I need to see necrophiliac lesbians who have been abused by Elvis impersonators? I mean, please, somebody help me out!" No. I'm sorry, that is wrong. [ moves to Barry ] Okay, let's see what you've got here: "Who are the ad wizards who came up with that one?!" Sorry, Barry, that is not right! [ moves to Billy ] Okay, Billy, here's your chance to win or lose. The question: "Oprah - What is With Her?" Your answer is: "She's fat, she's thin, she's fat, she's thin - I mean, come on, pick a body and go with it!" That is right! You're our gran prize winner of the day!

 

Billy: I mean - what is with Oprah? I really want to know!

 

Bobby Wheat: Well, we'll talk about it later! But, we're out of time! Thank you for coming, my name is Bobby Wheat! Thanks! You've been great!

[Guest Stunt Granny]

Hell yes! Thank you bob!

[Guest Vern Gagne]

Great job with the scripts Bob. The only thing missing is Audio.

[Guest hardyz1]

Thank you for coming to Loews, drink your urine and sleep underneath the seats.

[Guest teke184]

[ President-Elect Bill Clinton and two Secret Service agents jog into a D.C. McDonald's ]

 

Bill Clinton: Alright, boys, let's stop here for a second. I'm a little parched from the fog.

 

Secret Service Agent #1: Sir, we've only been jogging for three blocks. Besides, Mrs. Clinton asked us not to let you in any more fast food places.

 

Bill Clinton: I just want to mingle with the American people, talk with some real folks.. and maybe get a Diet Coke, or something..

 

Secret Service Agent #1: Fine. But please don't tell Mrs. Clinton.

 

Bill Clinton: Jim, let me tell you something - there's gonna be a lot of things we don't tell Mrs. Clinton about. Fast food is the least of our worries.

 

Cashier: Oh, my God! It's Bill Clinton!

 

Bill Clinton: Hey, nice to meet you! How are you? [ walks up to a young mother ] That's an adorable baby. What's your name, sweetheart?

 

Female Customer: [ holding baby ] Her name is Shakira.

 

Bill Clinton: Now, that means "African Princess", doesn't it?

 

Female Customer: Why, yes!

 

Bill Clinton: Well, she certainly is beautiful enough to be a princess. Are you gonna finish those fries?

 

Female Customer: Uh.. no. Would you like some?

 

Bill Clinton: Well, if you're not gonna eat 'em.. [ grabs the fries and eats ] ..Mmm, these are good. Shakira, you take good care of your mom now.. [ moves on ] Hi, how are you? Good to meet ya! How we doing over here?

 

Les Holmgren: Les Holmgren. Holmgren Hardware. Voted for you, sir.

 

Bill Clinton: Thank you, Les. So you own your own hardware store?

 

Les Holmgren: Yes indeed, sir. Since 1972.

 

Bill Clinton: Well, good for you. You know, we want to create a network of community development banks that lend to small businesses like yourself. I see your boy doesn't like pickles.

 

Les Holmgren: Nah, he hates them!

 

Bill Clinton: You mind? [ grabs the pickles ] Attaboy! So, good luck to you. We're gonna wake up everyday thinking about you. Oops! Missed one. [ grabs remaining pickle ]

 

Manager: [ stepping forward] Governor, I'm Kevin O'Brien, the manager, and I just want to thank you for dropping by - again.

 

Bill Clinton: Well, thank you, Kevin. You've got a real American family place here. Is it too late for an Egg McMuffin?

 

Manager: Well, we stop serving breakfast at eleven.. but for you..

 

Bill Clinton: Thanks so much.

 

Manager: And should I check to see if I can scare up some of those sausage patties.

 

Bill Clinton: You read my mind!

 

Secret Service Agent #1: [ whispering ] Uh, sir.. maybe you'd prefer a McLean burger.. or the garden salad is very nice.

 

College Student: Governor Clinton? I'm a sophomore in college, and I may have to drop out because my parents can't afford tuition.

 

Bill Clinton: [ glancing at her tray ] Speak of the devil, that's one of those McLean sandwiches. Are those any good?

 

College Student: Would you like to try it?

 

Bill Clinton: Well, just a bite.. [ takes a huge chomp ] Mmm.. that's not bad! You know, my National Service Trust Fund would allow every student to.. [ grabs her soda ] ..mind if I wash it down? [ takes a sip ] Ahh! That hit the spot!

 

Manager: [ returning ] Your Egg McMuffin, Mr. President.

 

Bill Clinton: Thank you, Kevin. You have any of that sweet and sour sauce. You know, the kind that you dip McNuggets in?

 

Manager: For your McMuffin?

 

Bill Clinton: Or the barbecue sauce. Whichever.

 

Male Customer: You can use mine.

 

Bill Clinton: Great. Just pour in right on.

 

Male Customer: [ pours the sauce on ] I have a question.

 

Bill Clinton: That's it. Just pour it all on!

 

Male Customer: Do you support the decision to send troops to Somalia?

 

Bill Clinton: [ chews his McMuffin ] Mmm.. that's a good question. Yes, I do.. and let me tell you why. See, right now, we're sending in.. [ holds us McMuffin ] ..food.. [ puts McMuffin in front of Male Customer ] ..to Somalia.. but it's not getting to the people who need it because.. [ brings McMuffin back to himself ] ..it's being intercepted by the warlords.. [ chews McMuffin some more ] And it's not just us. It's other countries, too.. [ grabs a McNugget from another customer ] Your McNugget is aid from Great Britain.. [ takes it to other customer, then gibbles it down ] ..intercepted by warlords! [ grabs someone's Filet-o-Fish ] This man's Filet-o-Fish over here is relief from Italy.. [ pops it in his mouth ] ..warlords! And you can send all the food you want.. [ grabs different items ] ..a McDLT, hot apple pie.. it's just gonna end up with.. [ puts it all in his mouth ] ..the warlords! Now, with a broad-based international military force, we can make sure that the McRib sandwich.. [ grabs one and places it on someone's tray ] ..gets to the people who need it. [ picks it up and gobbles it anyway ] Can I get a Coke?

 

Secret Service Agent #1: Uh, sir.. I think we should probably continue your jog. We've only gone about an eighth of a mile.

 

Bill Clinton: Alright. You guys up for a real run?

 

Secret Service Agent #1: Yes, sir.

 

Bill Clinton: Race you to Pizza Hut!

 

[ Clinton runs out of the McDonald's, as the Secret Service agents follow right behind him ]

[Guest teke184]

Announcer: It's time for "Christopher Walken's Celebrity Psychic Friends Network".

 

Christopher Walken: Hello. I'm Christopher Walken. And welcome.. to Christopher Walken's Psychic Friends Network. If you would like to be.. my psychic friend.. call this number now. I can tell you about.. money.. success.. love.. and romance.. or.. just hang out with you. All it takes is a phone.. and an open mind. No one will know. No one. I can tell you things about yourself. Things you don't know. [ phone doesn't ring ] Why aren't you calling? You could be.. in grave danger.. and I can help you.. as your psychic friend. While we're waiting.. for your call.. I'd like to introduce my first guest. It's someone you already know. He was the star of the television series "Diff'rent Strokes".. now, he's my psychic friend. It's Todd Bridges.

 

Todd Bridges: Hi, Christopher, it's great to be here!

 

Christopher Walken: I know! Todd, tell us.. how you became.. a psychic friend.

 

Todd Bridges: Well, Christopher, I had just killed someone, and I was high on crack. And then, I called the Psychic Friends Network, and you let me know I was in grave danger.

 

Christopher Walken: Oh.. that's wonderful, Todd.. we're very, very proud of you. If you'd like to talk with Todd.. and be his psychic friend.. call now. Todd could come to your house.. and advise you.. but he can't.. unless you call. [ phones don't ring ] Why aren't you calling Todd? Maybe you're not at home. Call anyway. By the time you get home.. he could be there.. waiting for you. My next geust, you know. He was in the movie.. "Back To The Future". It's Crispin Glover.

 

Crispin Glover: Hey, you.. it's great to be here!

 

Christopher Walken: Crispin.. how did you become.. a psychic friend?

 

Crispin Glover: Well, Christopher.. I'm not really good at.. confrontations. So I called the Psychic Network, and you told me I was in great danger.

 

Christopher Walken: That's nice, Crispin. If you'd like to know.. about future success.. money.. romance.. or.. great danger.. call us. Do it. No one.. will know. [ phones don't ring ] I don't understand.. why you're not calling.

 

Todd Bridges: Well, Chris, maybe the audience should know we're not the only members of the Psychic Friends Network.

 

Christopher Walken: Todd's right.. there are others who can come to your house.. like Rick James.. the guy who attacked Monica Seles.. and Sean Young. Todd, Crispin, Rick and Sean, and the guy who attacked Monica Seles.. want to spend time with you.. at your house.. but they can't do that.. unless you tell us where you live.. so, please.. call now.

 

Todd Bridges: I'd like a key to you house.

 

Crispin Glover: I'd like to be your soulmate.. [ laughs ] ..and have a key to your house.

 

Christopher Walken: We know. Call. Look, you're wasting time.. we could be in your driveway by now. Me and Todd and Crispin.. waiting for you.. being.. your friend. [ phones don't ring ] Look.. no one is calling.. I'm upset.

 

Todd Bridges: I'll still come to your house.

 

Christopher Walken: Todd will still come to your house.

 

Crispin Glover: [ starting to crack ] Hey, you.. get your damn hands off me, right now!

 

Todd Bridges: I'll go to your house.

 

Christopher Walken: No, Todd.. don't go.

 

Todd Bridges: No, I want to go.

 

Christopher Walken: Don't go.. Don't go..

 

[ fade out ]

[Guest teke184]

Announcer: NBC's "Saturday Night Live" will not be seen tonight, so that we may bring you this NBC News Special: "Debate '92: The Challenge to Avoid Saying Something Stupid". And now, here is your moderator, Jane Pauley.

 

Jane Pauley: Good evening. I'm Jane Pauley, and welcome to St. Louis for the first in our series of three presidential debates. Tonight's debate among President George Bush, Arkansas governor Bill Clinton, and diminutive Texas billionaire Ross Perot will begin in just a moment. But first, let me introduce my fellow panelists, CNN anchor Bernard Shaw and ABC News political correspondent Sam Donaldson. Now, let's meet the candidates. Gentlemen. [ the three candidates enter the arena and stand behind their respective podiums ] The first question will be asked by Sam Donaldson.

 

Sam Donaldson: Governor Clinton, let's be frank. You're running for president, yet your only experience has been as the governor of a small, backward state with a population of drunken hillbillies riding around in pickup trucks. The main streets of your capital city, Little Rock, are something out of L'il Abner, with buxom underage girls in their cutoff denims prancing around in front of Jethro and Billy Bob, while corncob-pipe-smoking, shotgun-toting grannies fire indiscriminantly at runaway hogs.

 

Bill Clinton: I'm sorry, Sam, do you have a question?

 

Sam Donaldson: My question is: How can you stand it? Don't you lose your mind living down there?

 

Bill Clinton: Sam, you must have watched too many of my opponent's TV spots. I'm tired of the Bush campaign trying to portray my home state as some sort of primitive Third World country. The fact is, Arkansas did have a long way to go, but we've made progress. When I started as governor, we were fiftieth in adult literacy, and last year, I'm proud to say, we shot ahead of Mississippi. We're #49, and we're closing fast on Alabama. Watch out, Alabama - we got your number!

 

George Bush: Can I say something here? Two years ago, I went on a fishing trip in Arkansas with Baker, Fitzwater, Quayle, myself. We were chased and assaulted by a couple of inbred mountain people. I was sworn to secrecy as to those events, but suffice it to say, they felt that Dan Quayle - and I quote - "sure had a purty mouth." Now, if that's the kind of progress Bill Clinton brought to Arkansas.. I don't think we need it in the White House!

 

Bill Clinton: That's not fair. Just this year we passed Mississippi to become 41st in the prevention of rickets.

 

Ross Perot: Can I jump in here? Why are we talking about Arkansas? Hell, everybody knows that all they got down there is a bunch of ignorant inbred crackerheads! Peckerwoods, catch me? now, can we talk about the deficit? While we've been jabbering, our deficit has increased by half a million dollars. That's enough to buy a still and a new outhouse for every family in Little Rock!

 

Bill Clinton: Will you shut up!

 

Ross Perot: Hold it there, cracker boy, I'm not finished!

 

George Bush: See that right there? Kind of makes you wonder whether these men have the temperament to be president. Would you tell Prime Minister Major to shut up? Would you call Boris Yeltsin a "Crackerhead"? Who wouldn't you tell to shut up? Because you see, this election is about who can take the heat, who you want there when that secured phone in the White House rings at 3 AM. Do you want someone who will answer the phone politely: "Hello, this is the President. Speak slowly and clearly and tell me what the problem is." Or do you want someone who's cranky, who says, "This better be important," or "Do you realize what time it is?" or simply says, "Shut up!" hangs up the phone and sleeps like a baby while the world burns!

 

Jane Pauley: Thank you, gentlemen. Now, Bernard Shaw has a question for Governor Clinton.

 

Bernard Shaw: Yes, Governor Clinton. If Kitty Dukakis were raped and murdered, would you favor the death penalty for her assailant?

 

Jane Pauley: Mr. Shaw, really. You don't have to answer that, Governor Clinton.

 

Bill Clinton: No, no, I'm happy to answer that. Obviously, none of us want to see Kitty Dukakis raped and murdered, but if she had to be murdered I would hope it would be in Arkansas - because no state is tougher on crime. Last year we passed Florida to become #2 in executions by lethal injection, and first in crushed by heavy stones.

 

Jane Pauley: Mr. Perot? Rebuttal.

 

Ross Perot: I was hoping we'd get into the issues, but if this is the way the game is played - fine. So, if somebody were to lay a finger on Kitty Dukakis, I wouldn't kill him right away. That'd be too easy. I'd wait for a hot Texas day, see? Tie him to a stake, get an ant trail going. You know, Texas red ants, inch long! Just love to bite into human flesh, catch what I'm saying here? See, they're eating him alive, nice and slow like. And I'd sit with him in the shade under an umbrella, maybe with a lemonade, sit back and say to the fella, "How do you like them apples?" And he'll be screaming, "When am I gonna die?" and I'd say, "I don't know exactly, and frankly, I resent your question." Catch my drift?

 

Jane Pauley: THank you. Now, let's turn to the deficit. President Bush, during your term, the deficit has grown by over a trillion dollars.

 

George Bush: I know.

 

Jane Pauley: Honestly now, don't you feel some kind of tax hike will be needed to reduce the deficit?

 

George Bush: Jane, the answer is no! I will never raise taxes again! Never, ever, ever, ever.. never, ever again! And I mean never, ever, ever, ever, never ever..!!

 

Jane Pauley: Thank you, Mr. Presi..

 

George Bush: Never, ever, ever!

 

Jane Pauley: Mr. President, please..

 

George Bush: Ever, ever again!

 

Jane Pauley: Sam Donaldson, with a question for Governor Clinton.

 

Sam Donaldson: Governor Clinton, this week the big story has been your 1969 trip to Moscow, and your involvement in antiwar activities. Some have ven suggested that while in Moscow, you had meetings with KGB agents. Isn't it fair to say that you haven't really told the American people the full story?

 

Bill Clinton: Sam, this kind of attack shows how desperate the Bush campaign has become. Yes, I did go to Moscow by train in 1969. And while on the train, I struck up a conversation with a man in the seat next to me. He gave me a package to take to Moscow and instructed me to leave it folded in a newspaper in a kiosk across from Lenin's tomb. I've explained this many times. Yes, the KGB did subsequently pay my way through law school, but that was the last contact I had with the KGB until years later when Hillary and I were having problems, and it was a KGB agent, Nikolai Kuznetsov, who let me stay at his place for a while until we patched things up.

 

Sam Donaldson: But isn't it true that during one of the peace demonstrations you burned an American flag in Red Square?

 

Bill Clinton: I tried to burn an American flag once. I didn't like it. It gave off toxic fumes, so I didn't inhale.

 

Ross Perot: Can I say something here?

 

Jane Pauley: Mr. Perot.

 

Ross Perot: I think that's just sad.

 

Jane Pauley: President Bush?

 

George Bush: Once again, it all comes down to trust. Who's been there? I've been with Mitterand, I've met with Major, I know the White House. I know the door outto the Rose Garden doesn't lock unless you pull it. I know the toilet in the Lincoln Bedroom will run all night unless you jiggle that handle. It's not enough to flush it, you've got to jiggle it! I know Air Force One. I know that seat 8G does not fuly recline. If we are flying the Prime Minister of Canada to a trade conference, I alone can say, "Mr. Mulroney, seat 8G does not fully recline, I suggest you use another!"

 

Jane Pauley: All right, Mr. Bush, our time is up. Each candidate will be allowed a brief closing statement. Governor Clinton?

 

Bill Clinton: Thank you, Jane. We've talked about many issues tonight. But this election is really about one thing - change. Over the last twelve years, more and more Americans have found themselves working longer and harder for less and less. [ President Bush glances at Clinton and sees the vision of a hippy standing behind the podium ] We need to invest in our people again. Because together, all of us, pulling as a team, we can do it! Thank you.

 

Jane Pauley: President Bush?

 

George Bush: My fellow Americans, this election is about leadership and trust. Now, our opponents have tried to portray us as the party of the rich and privileged, ignoring the fact that our economic program has created more opportunity for more Americans than in any twelve-year period in history. [ Clinton glances at President Bush and sees the vision of an old lady standing behind the podium ] Well, let me tell you something: I'm not worth $3.3 billion, and I wasn't educated at Oxford. But I know how to lead this country to victory in the Persian Gulf, and I can do it again here at home!

 

Jane Pauley: Mr. Perot?

 

Ross Perot: This whole thing fascinates me, really. See, you don't have to be a Ph.D. at Harvard to know that our kids are going to inherit a $4 trillion deficit, and that's just a crime. [ Clinton and President Bush glance at Perot and see the vision of a munchkin from "The Wizard of Oz" ] Now, if I'm president, we start cleaning up this mess on Day One. It's gonna take some sacrifice, no doubt about it. But I know the American people are ready to sacrifice as long as it's fair. This is your country, let's take it back.

 

Jane Pauley: Thank you, Mr. Perot, don't you have one last thing to say?

 

Ross Perot: No, I can't. I'm on tape. [ looks at Bush ] Why don't

you do it, live-boy?

 

George Bush: "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"

[Guest alkeiper]

Chris Farley as Bennett Brower on Weekend Update

[cawthon777 0]

1 ... 1 ... 2 ... 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4

 

I don't care what your momma says

Christmas time is near

I don't care what your daddy says

Christmas time is dear

 

All I know is that Santa's sleigh

is making its way to the USA

 

I don't care what the mayor says

Christmas is full of cheer

I don't care if you think it's a lie

Christmas will soon be here

 

I don't care about the CIA

I don't care what the calenders say

 

I wish it were Christmas today

 

I wish it were Christmas today

 

 

...And I just remembered...

 

Harry Carry (Will Ferrell) refering to Colin Quinn as Norm MacDonald a few days after Norm was booted from Weekend Update. That was bloody hilarious!

[Guest Eagan469]

Harry Carry (Will Ferrell) refering to Colin Quinn as Norm MacDonald a few days after Norm was booted from Weekend Update. That was bloody hilarious!

"You look like ya gained a little weiight, huh Norm?"

 

[Guest Dmann2000]

Harry Carry (Will Ferrell) refering to Colin Quinn as Norm MacDonald a few days after Norm was booted from Weekend Update.  That was bloody hilarious!

"You look like ya gained a little weiight, huh Norm?"

 

I love the episode with Joan Allen where she's on the Harry Carey space show and then she says:

 

"Excuse me, but didn't you die?"

 

"What's your point?"

[Guest Eagan469]

The sketch where Norm is on the religion game show was hilarious.

 

"Yeah, I knew that one"

[Guest Dmann2000]

That was on the Quentin Tarantino episode, which also had the great directors on directors sketch.

 

"Did I bang Uma Thurman, I banged every chick on that set!"

[Guest teke184]

Proof Kevin Nealon wasn't the worst anchor in Weekend Update history:

 

Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I'm Kevin Nealon.

 

Well, Nelson Mandela was elected President of South Africa this week. Mr. Mandela broke a long-stading political pattern: he went to jail before becoming a politician.

 

[ show picture of Paula Jones ]

And, in Washington this week, President Clinton desperately tried to get Whitewater back in the news.

 

After a medical examination following his caning, it was first thought that Michael Fay received an "extra" lash. But it just turned out to be his crack.

 

The U.S. House of Representatives narrowly passed a ban on assault weapons Thursday, after strong enough opposition was expressed by the National Rifle Association, as well as the United States Postal Workers Union.

 

And, in Europe, the 31-mile Chunnel opened up this week under the English Channel, connecting England and France. The tunnel houses a high-speed passenger train that experts estimate will allow some 7 million French people a year to get even farther away from EuroDisney.

 

For the grand opening, Queen Elizabeth and French President Mitterand got together and inaugurated the new Eurostar train. And, here in New York, a queen named Frenchie got drunk and urinated on the D Train.

 

Princess Diana threatened lawsuits this week against any British publication that prints topless photos of her taken on vacation in Spain last week. If published, it would be the first time in two years Prince Charles had seen her naked.

 

Kevin Nealon: And now, with a commentary, our new Music Correspondent David Spade. David?

 

David Spade: Aw, thank you! Thanks. People, there's an epidemic going around the music industry that needs to be stopped. No, I'm not talking about chlamydia. But, good guess. No, I'm talking about spending hard-earned money to go see your favorite band in concert, and they have the nerve to not sing their biggest hits. It happens more often than you'd think, and I feel I must speak up.

 

For instance, six months ago I went to see Bob Segar. Now, after two-and-a-half hours, Mr. Segar walked off the stage without singing "Night Moves". That was pure balls, ladies and gentlemen. It made me want to throw, like, a rock at, like, his head.

 

But it gets worse. I saw Men Without Hats. No "Safety Dance". Pure balls. 100% nuts.

 

Even Barney doesn't sing "I Love You, You Love Me" live. True story: I was in the mosh pit thinking, "Hmm.. if that's not pure nads, I don't know what is."

 

On second thought, I do know what it is! When I was 22, I saw Big Country in concert, and, guess what? They didn't even sing "Big Country"! Why else are you on the planet? It's the name of your band, hard to forget! Huh? Yeah! What? Uh-huh!

 

Sometimes these old rockers - like The Stones or Rod Stewart - will throw you a medley crumb. I get five bars of "Brown Sugar" and "Tumblin' Dice", to make room for every song off the new album. By the way, when you're at a show and the band says, "Here's something from our new album, why don't they just say, "Everyone, get up and go to the bathroom."

 

And, any band that still includes a bass solo in their show - pure balls.

 

And, while we're on the subject of testicles, remember when John Oates left Hall & Oates? This was the same kind of thinking that had Fisher Stevens break up with Michelle Pfeiffer so he could get prettier girls. By the way, I went to see Oates in concert. He opened up for the three-headed lobster boy at the circus. It was a good show. He did a "Maneater/Kiss On Your List" medley together, it wasn't bad.

 

So, in closing, Kevin, in closing, I'm going to see Laura Branigan tomorrow night at Madison Square Garden, and, uh.. I have some advice for her: open and close with "Gloria". Do it a couple times in between, alright? Thank you very much!

 

Kevin Nealon: David Spade, ladies and gentlemen.

 

Some disappointing news: a recent study reveals that eating a medium-sized bag of theater popcorn is equivalent to eating six Big Macs. A medium-sized bag of popcorn with butter flavoring is equivalent to eating eight Big Macs. A medium-sized bag of popcorm topped with butter and six Big Macs, is like eating fourteeen Big Macs.

 

New medical studies report that skin cancer cases have doubled in the past twnety years. They cite excessive suntanning as the main cause, and say the best way to cut harmful ultraviolet rays is with a thick cloud of cigarette smoke.

 

In other medical news, for the first time in North America, testing will begin on the RU-486 morning-after pill for women. If successful, testing will begin on the RU-487 pill for men. The pill prevents the man from waking up the next morning, running out the door saying, "I'll call you. Really!"

 

Well, this Sunday night's "60 Minutes" will mark the 500th commentary by Andy Rooney. Rooney will celebrate by complaining about clips from the previous 499 shows.

 

May 27th will mark the final broadcast of "The Arsenio Hall Show". Hall will devote his full time to other interests - including movies, recording, and getting some stanky on his hang-down.

 

The Kentucky Derby was run earlier today, and the winner was Go For Gin, at 9 to 1. The long shot Quinella, paid $20,000 for a $2 bet, and the only ticket holder was Hillary Clinton.

 

Well, the Rolling Stones announced a new tour this week. Fans will be able to recognize their tour bus as the one doing 40 in the fast lane with its blinker on.

 

In an annual poll of radio stations, Paul McCartney's "Yesterday" is still the most played radio song of all time. Over 6 milion times since 1965. And, amazingly enough, the #2 song is "Play That Funky Music, White Boy".

 

In our final story, in observance of Mother's Day, for the second year in a row, an NCI survey has named Kathie Lee Gifford the Nation's Best Mother. But, after 23 years, the Baddest Mother is still Shaft. Happy Mother's Day, Shaft!

 

Kevin Nealon: I'm Kevin Nealon, and that's news to me.

[Guest Spaceman Spiff]

How about the one debate sketch where all the Democratic candidates were trying to avoid having to go up against Bush? I think Hartman was playing Mario Cuomo, and he said "Let me make this perfectly clear: I have mob ties." (or something to that effect)

[Guest teke184]

America's Most Wanted: Former Child Stars

 

John Walsh.....Phil Hartman

Todd Bridges.....Chris Rock

Danny Bonaduce.....Michael J. Fox

Johnny Whittaker.....Kevin Nealon

Barry Livingston.....Mike Myers

Rodney Allen Rippy.....Tim Meadows

Barry Williams.....Adam Sandler

Mindy Cohn.....Chris Farley

Drew Barrymore.....Jan Hooks

Dana Plato.....Julia Sweeney

Uncle Charlie.....Dana Carvey

 

 

 

 

John Walsh: Good evening. I'm John Walsh in Los Angeles. Recent statistcs show, that despite the efforts of law enforcement agencies, crime is on the rise all across the nation. The cause for this increase can be traced to one single group. Tonight, we'll examine this problem up-close on "America's Most Wanted: Former Child Stars".

 

[ show's title graphic cues up ]

 

John Walsh: They earned our love as children; too often we trust them as adults. Last year, 20% of all crimes committed in the L.A. area were perpetrated by former child actors. The cast of "Diff'rent Strokes" alone was responsilbe for over 300 muggings and minor thefts. Just last week, Dana Plato, who potrayed Kimberly on that show, was arrested after allegedly holding up a local video store. However, local police have reason to believe that Plato may not have acted alone. Authorites say Plato may have been a dupe in a scheme concocted in this hotel in downtown Hollywood.

 

[ zoom in on hotel exterior; dissolve inside with SUPER: "Re-Enactment" ]

 

Inside, a group who had been meeting for months were finalizing plans for a three-month crime spree. Included in the group were: Plato's co-star, seasoned criminal Todd Bridges; TV's Danny Partidge, Danny Bonaduce, dangerously unbalanced and prone to fits of psychotic rage; his partner, from "Family Affair", Johnny "Jodie" Whittaker; and, from "My Three Sons, Barry Livingston, known to the public as Ernie, the "brains" behind the group, who some authorites believe had a not inconsequential role in the shooting of Alabama Governor George Wallace. Also present: commercial actor Rodney Allen Rippy, now going under the name Rod Rippy; Barry Williams, formerly Greg Brady, now a vicious crossdressing cannibal; minding the door, Mindy Cohn, who played Natalie on "The Facts of Life".

 

Todd Bridges: So when's this meeting gonna start, man? I gotta go sell my blood at six!

 

Danny Bonaduce: Hey, come on, Bridges, give your fans a rest, alright?

 

Johnny Whittaker: [ laughing ] Good one, Danny!

 

Danny Bonaduce: Thanks, Jodie.

 

Johnny Whittaker: The name's Johnny!

 

Danny Bonaduce: Yeah? Tell it to Mr. French.

 

[ Mindy Cohn opens the door to let Drew Barrymore in ]

 

Drew Barrymore: What the hell are these blinds doin' open for? You want somebody to recognize us?!

 

John Walsh V/O: It was Drew Barrymore. Although the youngest at age 14, Barrymore's vast experience, expertise and connections within the underworld, made her the acknowledged ringleader.

 

Drew Barrymore: [ summarizing ] Okay, the van turns left on Highland, and we're out of there. Everyone got it?

 

Danny Bonaduce: Oh, Drew, relax, we've been pulling these jobs since you were doing "E.T."

 

Drew Barrymore: Yeah.. I don't remember.. The years between 5 and 7 are kind of blurred to me. Hey, Ernie! What about that "special project", huh?

 

Barry Livingston: I'm so glad you asked, Ms. Barrymore! I give you Benadynemethacrolate - twice the potency of crack cocaine! Half the price..

 

Drew Barrymore: [ climbs into his lap ] Whooo, baby! You got me for a week!

 

Barry Livingston: You won't last!!

 

[ Barry Williams twitches ]

 

Drew Barrymore: Okay.. let's get back to tonight's job. We still need a point man. How about you, Rippy!

 

Danny Bonaduce: Yeah, Rippy. You haven't pulled anything since your last trip to the bathroom.

 

Johnny Whittaker: [ laughs ] Good one, Danny!

 

Danny Bonaduce: Shut up!!

 

Rodney Allen Rippy: Listen, Drew.. I can't be there when he goes down - not this time. I got too much to lose! I'm in an audition tomorrow - I'll be the voice of a Muppet Baby!

 

Drew Barrymore: But it's your turn, man!

 

Rodney Allen Rippy: Please..

 

Mindy Cohn: DO IT, RIPPY!!!

 

Johnny Whittaker: Great, Rippy! Now you got Mindy mad!

 

Dana Plato: [ enters ] Sorry, I'm late, guys, I had a photo shoot!

 

Rodney Allen Rippy: Hey, what about Plato?

 

Drew Barrymore: Hey, Plato. You think you're ready for a point job?

 

Dana Plato:Yeah, sure. If you guys will give me a chance!

 

Danny Bonaduce: Hey, hey, Rippy, you're off the hook. Why don't you go to Jack In The Box and celebrate?

 

Johnny Whittaker: [ laughing ] You're so funny, Danny!

 

Danny Bonaduce: What do you mean, I'm funny?

 

Johnny Whittaker: You're just funny! You make me laugh!

 

Danny Bonaduce: In what way am I funny?

 

Johnny Whittaker: I don't know..

 

Danny Bonaduce: What, what, what.. do I say funny things? Do I look funny to you? How am I funny?

 

Johnny Whittaker: I don't know.. you're just funny..

 

Drew Barrymore: Come on, Danny, take it easy..

 

Danny Bonaduce: No, no, no, Drew. He thinks I'm funny! I want to know - how am I funny to you? What, am I clown to you? Do I amuse you? Answer me!

 

Johnny Whittaker: I don't know! I don't know!

 

Danny Bonaduce: Maybe this is funny!! [ stands up, shoots Johnny in the chest, killing him ] Huh? Is that funny!! That's funny! Funny, funny, funny!

 

Uncle Charlie: [ rushing in ] Holy Smokes! What the hell's all the racket in here!

 

John Walsh V/O: It was Uncle Charlie from "My Three Sons". William Demerest, the group's mentor and live-in maid.

 

Uncle Charlie: Oh, geez, Bonaduce! I go away for five minutes to make some stew, I come back I got a dead body messin' up my clean floor, you stupid kid! Don't you kids have a video store to hit, or something!

 

Drew Barrymore: Come on, let's get out of here, let's move it!

 

[ Michael J. Fox rushes into the room ]

 

Michael J. Fox: Hold on, you guys! This is wrong!

 

John Walsh V/O: It was Michael J. Fox. He heard about the gang from his former co-star Tina Yothers.

 

Michael J. Fox: Hey, hold on. What are you guys doing? You guys, you're better than this, alright? I mean, you made people happy once, and you can do it again! Come on, what do you say?

 

Danny Bonaduce: What do I say? [ takes out gun, shoots Michael ] That's what I say! [ shoots ] Take that, Alex! [ shoots ]

 

Michael J. Fox: [ stunned, drops to the floor ] Unh.. Mall-o-ry..?

 

Uncle Charlie: Oh, geez, Bonaduce, you wanna scrub this floor twice a day!

 

[ cut back to John Walsh ]

 

John Walsh: Since the taping of this re-enactment, authorities have determined that Michael J. Fox is in fact still alive and in no apparent harm. Also, William Demerest has reportedly been dead for 9 years. Still, the basic truth behind this report is inescapable: if you see any members of the Barrymore Gang, do not acknowledge them! Do not address them by their character names, for they are liable to go insane. And if you see Mindy Cohn, do not look her in the ey. She is unarmed, but police describe her as wild and unpredictable. Next week, the two Coreys, and Steve Urkel - Walking Time Bomb - on "America's Most Wanted: Former Child Actors."

[Guest teke184]

Campaign '92: The Race To Avoid Being The Guy Who Loses To Bush

 

Moderator.....Julia Sweeney

Sen. Bill Bradley.....Kevin Nealon

Congressman Dick Gephardt.....Dana Carvey

Sen. Lloyd Bentsen.....Keifer Sutherland

Tipper Gore.....Victoria Jackson

Gov. Mario Cuomo.....Phil Hartman

 

 

 

 

Moderator: Good evening. I'm Fay Sullivan, of the League of Women Voters. Welcome to this, the first in a series of debates among the five leading Democrats who are trying to avoid being forced by their party into a hopeless race against President George Bush. Most of them have already announced that they're not interested in the nomination. But each, of course, is under enormous pressure to be the "chump" who will take on the futile task of running against this very, very popular incumbent. They are.. Sen. Bill Bradley of New Jersey..

 

Sen. Bill Bradley: I am not a candidate for President in 1992.

 

Moderator: House Majority Leader Dick Gephardt of Missouri..

 

Congressman Dick Gephardt: I do not seek my party's nomination.

 

Moderator: Sen. Lloyd Bentsen of Texas..

 

Sen. Lloyd Bentsen: I do not wish to be my party's nominee in the next election.

 

Moderator: Here for her husband, Sen. Al Gore of Tennessee, Tipper Gore..

 

Tipper Gore: He's not interested.

 

Moderator: And Gov. Mario Cuomo, of New York.

 

Gov. Mario Cuomo: No way!

 

Moderator: Gov. Cuomo, let's begin with you. In a way, one might say there's no reason for any of you to be forced into this race. After all, there are already several announced candidates for the Democratic nomination - Sen. Kerrey, Sen. Harkin, fomer Gov. Brown, and so on. Why is your party beggin you, or any of you, to enter the race?

 

Gov. Mario Cuomo: Fay, I don't know. But I'll tell you something - if the Democratic Party were to make me its candidate in 1992, it would go down as its worse defeat in history.

 

Sen. Bill Bradley: Oh, come on, Mario! You're probably the best candidate we've got!

 

Everyone: Cuomo! Cuomo! Cuomo! Cuomo!

 

Gov. Mario Cuomo: Please, please! Bill! Now, I resent the implication that I'm the strongest candidate here. Let's be frank - you're far better than any of us, or have you forgotten your brilliant play as you led the New York Knicks to victory in the 1973 NBA Finals?

 

Everyone: Bradley! Bradley! Bradley! Bradley!

 

Gov. Mario Cuomo: Now, Bill, you could show me polls that have me losing to Bush by 7 points, and I can show you polls that have me losing to Bush by 40 points - that's not the issue! The issue is my record. After eight years of my mismanagement as governor, the economy of New York State is in a shambles! Now, I don't think anyone here can point to a record like that.

 

Congressman Dick Gephardt: Now, wait a minute..

 

Moderator: Congressman Gephardt?

 

Everyone: Gephardt! Gephardt! Gephardt! Gephardt!

 

Congressman Dick Gephardt: Well, hold on! Now, if you wanna talk about shambles, let's talk about the U.S. House of Representatives, of which I am the Majority Leader. You know, the real enemy facing this country isn't the Soviets, it isn't the Japanese - it's people like me! And the American people know it. The fact is, I couldn't beat David Duke in Harlem! What this party needs is someone with the vision, the integrity, and the guts of an Al Gore.

 

Everyone: Gore! Gore! Gore! Gore!

 

Tipper Gore: That isn't fair! My husband isn't here tonight to answer to that kind of smear!

 

Congressman Dick Gephardt: Then, I have to ask you, if your husband doesn't think he should be this party's nominee, why didn't he bother to show up here tonight?

 

Tipper Gore: My husband is with our kids at a gay porno theater.

 

Everyone: Oh, come on! Come on!

 

Moderator: Gentlemen, please! Sen. Bentsen, we haven't heard from you yet.

 

Everyone: Bentsen! Bentsen! Bentsen! Bentsen!

 

Moderator: Please.. please.. Senator, tell us why Lloyd Bentsen should not be President.

 

Sen. Lloyd Bentsen: Oh, Fay, there are so many reasons. But, ultimately, it comes down to one - this election is about ideas. And the fact is, I have none. Nothing, covers empty, nada, not a one! You know, I remind myself of that commercial, "Where's The Beef?" And that's the problem with Lloyd Bentsen - where's the beef?

 

Sen. Bill Bradley: Uh, may I?

 

Moderator: Sen. Bradley?

 

Sen. Bill Bradley: What about me? If Lloyd wants to talk about lack of substance, I say what about me? I'm an ex-jock. End of story. The fact is, Lloyd is one of the finest minds in the Senate! In fact, he reminds many of us of another great democrat - John F. Kennedy.

 

Sen. Lloyd Bentsen: Sen Bradley, I knew Jack Kennedy.. I worked with Jack Kennedy.. I am no Jack Kennedy.

 

Sen. Bill Bradley: Senator, that was uncalled for.

 

Sen. Lloyd Bentsen: The fact is, when most people hear the name Lloyd Bentsen, they don't think of Jack Kennedy; they think of two other fellows - Michael Dukakis and Willie Horton.

 

Tipper Gore: Lloyd, that is shameless!

 

Gov. Mario Cuomo: Sen. Bentsen, I resent the suggestion that you are somehow more the candidate of Willie Horton than anyone else here! The fact is, as governor of New York, I have pardoned criminals far worse than Willie Horton! Including key figures in organized crime, who happen top be close friends of mine! Yes! I'm talking about the mob!

 

Moderator: Well.. gentlemen, Mrs. Gore.. we've reached the end of our alotted time. Each of you is now allowed a brief closing statement. Let's begin with Tipper Gore.

 

Tipper Gore: Thank you, Fay. I'm a mother of three children, and, like any mother, I want the best possible future for my kids. When I think of a future with my husband as President, frankly, I'm scared. Thank you.

 

Moderator: Congressman Gephardt?

 

Congressman Dick Gephardt: There's a feeling abroad in this land. You can sense it from the textile workers in South Carolina, from machinists in Detroit, and ranchers in Wyoming. The feeling that Dick Gephardt repreents everything that's wrong with this country. You don't want me as your president, and neither do I. I want to remain in Congress. After all, that's where the money is - your money. Thank you.

 

Moderator: Sen. Bradley?

 

Sen. Bill Bradley: Well, there are people that will tell you that I can beat George Bush. Why? Because I'm a sports celebrity. But I think you, the American people, are smarter than that. You want a leader you can defend against terrorism, not jump shots; who can make a foreign policy, not an inbound pass; a leader who can run an economy, not a three-man weave. If America ever needs a man in a low post.. perhaps I'm the guy.. but, when it comes to our nation's highest post, I just don't cut it. Thank you.

 

Moderator: And now, Sen. Bentsen.

 

Sen. Lloyd Bentsen: I'm old.. and I'm only gonna be getting older. Older and more confused. Hell, I can't tell you all the names of the people that are standing right here. One thing I can tell you, is that George Bush would beat the living bejebus out of me. He's done it before, just ask a couple friends of mine - Michael Dukakis and Willie Horton.

 

Moderator: And, finally, Gov. Cuomo.

 

Gov. Mario Cuomo: Thank you, Fay. Tonight, we've heard a lot about images of perception, about what poll shows what candidate losing by the least to whom at any given time.. Now, I could stand here and talk about the inaccuracy of polling, or the subjective nature of the process - but that's not the real issue here! The real issue is simple - I.. have.. mob ties!

 

Moderator: Well, that brings to a close, the first in a series of Democratic Presidential debates. Thank you, all of you, for your participation here tonight. And I'd also like to take this opportunity to remind our viewers at home that democracy works only when you vote. When you don't take the time to vote for the candidate you find the least offensive, you run the risk of electing the candidate you find the most offensive. Good night.

[Guest Dmann2000]

Masterbrain

 

Reporter.....Nora Dunn

President Reagan.....Phil Hartman

William Casey.....Jon Lovitz

White House Aide.....Dennis Miller

Staffer #1.....A. Whitney Brown

Staffer #2.....Kevin Nealon

Jimmy Stewart.....Dana Carvey

 

 

 

 

[ open on exterior, White House ]

 

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, President Reagan being interviewed by a reporter ]

 

Reporter: And finally, Mr. President, about the Iran-Nicaraguan connection. Some may wonder which was worse: your knowing or your not knowing?

 

President Reagan: [ slow ] Well.. all I can say is.. I didn't know. And, well.. we're trying to find out what happened, because.. none of us know.

 

Reporter: Well, thank you, Mr. President.

 

President Reagan: [ shaking her hand ] Well.. I hope I've answered your questions as best I could.. given the very little I know. Goodbye, and God bless you. Thank you very much. [ she exits the Oval Office, as Reagan suddenly alters his personality to a take-charge attitude ] Okay, get back in here! [ his staffers enter the Oval Office from the adjacent room ] Alright, let's get down to business! I'm only going to go through this once, so it's essential that you pay attention! 1: Casey!

 

William Casey: Yes, Sir!

 

President Reagan: You'll spearhead our new operation to fund the Contras. The C-5As with the TOW missiles and the grenade launchers will leave for South Africa at 0800 hours! I want you to supervise the loading. 2: Regan!

 

Don Regan: Yes, Sir.

 

President Reagan: Well.. I'm afriad you're going to have to resign. But.. first you'll make a public statement supporting me, which I wrote myself. It's over there on the word processor, just key in and press 5. The code name is..? [ Regan shrugs his shoulders ] Oh, alright, I'll do it for you! Now, any questions? [ Casey raises his hand ] Yes.

 

William Casey: Mr. President, you're going so fast. There's still a lot about the Iran-Contra Affair I don't understand..

 

President Reagan: And you don't need to understand! I'm the President! Only I need to understand! Is that clear?

 

William Casey: Yes.

 

President Reagan: Alright. [ presses button to make art print on wall lower to reveal a multi-colored map of the world ] Carlucci, you're new, here's how we run things. The red countries are the countries we sell arms to. The green countries are the countries where we wash our money. The blue countries are..

 

White House Aide: [ entering ] Excuse me, Mr. President, Sir?

 

President Reagan: Yes?

 

White House Aide: It's your 11:30 photo opportunity - the little girl who sold the most Girl Scout cookies?

 

President Reagan: Damn! Okay, let's get it over with. Everybody out. [ staffers get up ] Come on, come on! Move! [ they exit ] This is the part of the job I hate! [ the Girl Scout enters, as Reagan alters back to his senile personality ] Well.. hello, little girl.. what's your name?

 

Girl Scout: Lisa Meyers.

 

President Reagan: Well, Lisa.. if you're that good a saleslady.. maybe I could use you up on Capitol Hill.. [ laughs ] Well, it was nice meeting you.

 

White House Aide: Come on, Lisa, come on.

 

Girl Scout: Bye.

 

President Reagan: Bye bye! [ Girl Scout exits Oval Office ] Okay, back to work! [ staff re-enters ] Afghanistan needs more money. We've got $65.2 million tucked away in Zurich. Now, if we hold it there for another 30 days, at 7.28% interest, that's.. roughly.. $400,000.

 

Staffer #1: [ with calculator ] $397,200..

 

President Reagan: .. and 85! I know! Don't waste my time! But.. if we take out only $20 million, we lose.. let's see, let's see.. that's..

 

Staffer #1: $121,800..

 

President Reagan: and 16! Thank you so much! [ intercom buzzes ] Yes?

 

Voice on Intercom: Mr. President? It's Mr. Kuran Hasaf Husad.

 

President Reagan: Alright, put him on the speaker.

 

Voice on Speaker: [ speaking in Arabic accent ]

 

President Reagan: [ Reagan responds in Arabic accent ]

 

Voice on Speaker: [ Arabic accent ]

 

President Reagan: [ Arabic accent ] Makka lanna ho, makka channy hey!

 

Voice on Speaker: [ laughing ] Makka channy ho! B'aska lim.

 

President Reagan: B'aska lim! [ hangs up ] Well, gentlemen, I just concluded a very lucrative deal with the Iraqis.

 

Staffer #2: Mr. President, it just occurred to me. What if something happens to you? You're the only one who knows what's going on.

 

President Reagan: [ angry ] And that's the way it's going to stay! To quote Montesquieu: "Power without knowledge is power lost!"

 

White House Aide: [ entering ] Mr. President, it's Jimmy Stewart.

 

President Reagan: Oh, Damn! Now?!

 

White House Aide: He says he's had an appoinment with you for two months now.

 

President Reagan: Oh, alright, alright.. let's get on with it. Everyone out. [ they exit, as Jimmy Stewart is shown in ] Hello, Jimmy.

 

[ they shake hands ]

 

Jimmy Stewart: Yeah, well, hi, Dutch! How are you? I'm sorry, Mr. President! You know, I'm having the hardest time getting used to that!

 

President Reagan: Well, we sure had great times back in Hollywood..

 

Jimmy Stewart: Aw, you can say that again, Dutch, we-we-we certainly did, yeah!

 

President Reagan: Well.. it was good seeing you, Jimmy.

 

Jimmy Stewart: Well, wha-wha-what are you talking about? I just got here, for crying out loud!

 

President Reagan: Well, I know, but.. uh, I have a.. well, a meeting.

 

Jimmy Stewart: Well, that's just great! That's just great! I'll just stick around, that's it, I'll just stick around, and it'll be wha-what? Educationl for me! Yeah!

 

President Reagan: Jimmy, I'm sorry, you can't stay.

 

Jimmy Stewart: Well, come on, Dutch..

 

President Reagan: Jimmy! Don't make me have to kill you!

 

Jimmy Stewart: Kill me? Wha-what? Kill me! Wha-wha.. since when is it a crime to visit your friend? I mean, what are you gonna do, have your Secret Service boys come in here and just blow me away? You've changed, Dutch, you've really changed!

 

President Reagan: Oh, Jimmy, please try to understand..

 

Jimmy Stewart: [ turns to leave ] For crying out loud! You've turned into a real jerk, you know that, you sonofa.. [ exits ]

 

President Reagan: Please, Jimmy.. okay, good! [ staff re-enters ] Alright, now listen. I want to discuss the cover-up. Here's my plan: the NSC Review Board. We'll buy Tower, bribe him, jsut flat out buy him! Now, we'll dose Muskie with mood-altering drugs! [ laughs ] By the time Muskie knows what day it is, the '88 elections will be over! [ continues to laugh ]

 

[ cut to a clock on the mantel, the hours speeding by rapidly ]

 

[ cut to close-up of Reagan behind his desk in great thought ]

 

President Reagan: ..so, if we channel the $72 million through Ivan Boesky, we'll have enough left over for Syria and South Ghana. Now, next point on the agenda is.. [ notices all the members of his staff asleep in their chairs ] Ed? Donald? Hello-o! Well, just me again.. great. Well, I've been doing it this way for six yers, why should I change now? [ checks his watch ] 3am.. [ dials phone ] The banks should be opening in Zurich right about now..

 

[ speaks German into phone as the scene pans out and ends ]

[Guest Dmann2000]

Here's a classic one:

 

Racist Word Association Interview

 

Interviewer.....Chevy Chase

Mr. Wilson.....Richard Pryor

 

 

 

 

Interviewer: Alright, Mr. Wilson, you've done just fine on the Rorshact.. your papers are in good order.. your file's fine.. no difficulties with your motor skills.. And I think you're probably ready for this job. We've got one more psychological test we always do here. It's just a Word Association. I'll throw you out a few words - anything that comes to your mind, just throw back at me, okay? It's kind of an arbitrary thing. Like, if I say "dog", you'd say..?

 

Mr. Wilson: "Tree".

 

Interviewer: "Tree". [ nods head, prepares the test papers ] "Dog".

 

Mr. Wilson: "Tree".

 

Interviewer: "Fast".

 

Mr. Wilson: "Slow".

 

Interviewer: "Rain".

 

Mr. Wilson: "Snow".

 

Interviewer: "White".

 

Mr. Wilson: "Black".

 

Interviewer: "Bean".

 

Mr. Wilson: "Pod".

 

Interviewer: [ casually ] "Negro".

 

Mr. Wilson: "Whitey".

 

Interviewer: "Tarbaby".

 

Mr. Wilson: [ silent, sure he didn't hear what he thinks he heard ] What'd you say?

 

Interviewer: [ repeating ] "Tarbaby".

 

Mr. Wilson: "Ofay".

 

Interviewer: "Colored".

 

Mr. Wilson: "Redneck".

 

Interviewer: "Junglebunny".

 

Mr. Wilson: [ starting to get angry ] "Peckerwood!"

 

Interviewer: "Burrhead".

 

Mr. Wilson: [ defensive ] "Cracker!"

 

Interviewer: [ aggressive ] "Spearchucker".

 

Mr. Wilson: "White trash!"

 

Interviewer: "Jungle Bunny!"

 

Mr. Wilson: [ upset ] "Honky!"

 

Interviewer: "Spade!

 

Mr. Wilson: [ really upset ] "Honky Honky!"

 

Interviewer: [ relentless ] "Nigger!"

 

Mr. Wilson: [ immediate ] "Dead honky!" [ face starts to flinch ]

 

Interviewer: [ quickly wraps the interview up ] Okay, Mr. Wilson, I think you're qualified for this job. How about a starting salary of $5,000?

 

Mr. Wilson: Your momma!

 

Interviewer: [ fumbling ] Uh.. $7,500 a year?

 

Mr. Wilson: Your grandmomma!

 

Interviewer: [ desperate ] $15,000, Mr. Wilson. You'll be the highest paid janitor in America. Just, don't.. don't hurt me, please..

 

Mr. Wilson: Okay.

 

Interviewer: [ relieved ] Okay.

 

Mr. Wilson: You want me to start now?

 

Interviewer: Oh, no, no.. that's alright. I'll clean all this up. Take a couple of weeks off, you look tired.

 

[ fade ]

[cawthon777 0]

Interviewer: [ relentless ] "Nigger!"

 

Mr. Wilson: [ immediate ] "Dead honky!" [ face starts to flinch ]

LOL That still gets me.

[Guest Dmann2000]

Bob, may I just say that transcript site is the coolest, thanks for pointing it out.

[Guest 5_moves_of_doom]

I just watched "The Best of Phil Hartman" video a few days ago, and EVERYTHING on that is hilarious. The one with him playing the King in "The King and I" and being jealous of Yule Brenner is teh roq.

 

I'm kind of blanking out on much else right now.. but "Deep Thoughts" was ALWAYS gold.

[Guest Vern Gagne]

Does anyone have the script for the Politically Incorrect PI.

[Guest goar]

Akroyd as Julia Childs, Oops I Crapped My Pants, and this season' highlight, John McCain sings Barbara Streisand.

[Guest Crazy Dan]

"A Holiday Wish

 

.....Steve Martin

 

Steve Martin: If I had one wish that I could wish this holiday season, it would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace.

 

If I had two wishes that I could wish for this holiday season, the first would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in the spirit of harmony and peace.. and the second would be for $30 million a month to be given to me, tax-free in a Swiss bank account.

 

You know, if I had three wishes that I could make this holiday season, first, of course, would be for all the children to get together and sing.. the second would be for the $30 million every month to me.. and the third would be for all encompassing power over every living being thing in the entire universe.

 

And if I had four wishes that I could make this holiday season, first would be the crap about the kids.. second would be for the $30 million.. the third would be for all the power.. and the fourth would be to set aside one month each year for an extended 31-day orgasm, to be brought about slowly by Rosanna Arquette and that model Paulina somebody, I can't think of her name, of course my lovely wife could come, too. She's behind me 100% on this, I guarantee you.

 

Wait a minute, maybe that sex thing should be the first wish! So, if I made that the first wish, because, you know, it could all go boom tomorrow, and then what have you got? No, no.. the kids singing would be great, that would be nice. No, no, who am I kidding! I mean, they're not gonna be able to get all those kids together! I mean, the logistics of the thing is impossible! It's mroe trouble than it's worth! So, we reorganize: here we go. First, the sex - we go with that; second, the money. No! We go with the power second, then the money, and then the kids. Oh, wait, oh geez! I forgot about revenge against my enemies! Okay.. revenge against all my enemies, they should die like pigs in Hell! That would be the fourth wish! And of course, my fifth wish would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in the spirit of peace and harmony. Thank you, everybody. "

[cawthon777 0]

And if I had four wishes that I could make this holiday season, first would be the crap about the kids.. second would be for the $30 million.. the third would be for all the power.. and the fourth would be to set aside one month each year for an extended 31-day orgasm, to be brought about slowly by Rosanna Arquette and that model Paulina somebody, I can't think of her name, of course my lovely wife could come, too. She's behind me 100% on this, I guarantee you.

Whoa...take the kids out and replace the women with Eliza Dushku and Alyson Hannigan and that's my wish!

 

Love that segment.

[Guest Crazy Dan]

Celebrity Jeopardy

 

Alex Trebek.....Wil Ferrell

Sean Connery.....Darrell Hammond

Minnie Driver.....Molly Shannon

Jeff Goldblum.....David Duchovny

 

 

 

 

"Alex Trebek: Welcome back to "Celebrity Jeopardy"! We've got quite a contest going on here, lets take a look at the scores. Sean Connery is in second place with

-$6,500..

 

Sean Connery: Only on accountability!

 

Alex Trebek: Great. Uh.. Minnie Driver is in first with a commanding score of 0.

 

Minnie Driver: [ repeatedly presses buzzer until it beeps ] Umm.. what is history?

 

Alex Trebek: We haven't started playing yet! And finally, Jeff Goldblum, with an incredible -$17,800.

 

Jeff Goldblum: [ gestures to the audience and blows a kiss ] Well.. uh, yes.. I suppose I do.

 

Alex Trebek: Better luck to all of you, in the next round. It's time for Double Jeopardy, let's take a look at the board. And the categories are: "Potent Potables", "Literature".. which is just a big word for books.. "Therapists", "Current U.S. Presidents", "Show and Tell", "Household Objects", and finally, "One-Letter Words". Anyway, Jeff Goldblum, you are in third place, so the board is yours.

 

Jeff Goldblum: Well.. uh, this is.. uh, Jeopardy.. Seeing as there are.. uh.. one, two, three, four, five. six.. ahh ..seven.. uh, seven different catagories..

 

Alex Trebek: [ interrupting ] Right, Mr. Connery. why don't you pick?

 

Sean Connery: It looks like this is my lucky day! I'll take "The Rapists" for $200.

 

Alex Trebek: That's "Therapists." That's "Therapists," not "The Rapists." Let's skip "Therapists" and try "Household Objects", for $400. And the answer is, "You usually drink water out of one of these." [ Sean Connery buzzes in ] Sean Connery.

 

Sean Connery: A leather glove!

 

Alex Trebek: No. [ Minnie Driver buzzes in ] Minnie Driver.

 

Minnie Driver: A toilet!

 

Alex Trebek: That is awful. [ Jeff Goldblum buzzes in ] Jeff Goldblum.

 

Jeff Goldblum: [ marvels at the buzzer until time runs out ]

 

Alex Trebek: And you're an idiot! The answer was "a glass."

 

Sean Connery: Then the day is mine!

 

Alex Trebek: [ hesitant ] Technically, it's still Mr. Goldblum's board, but since he's a human wasteland, I'll let Mr. Connery pick again.

 

Sean Connery: Ohhhh, I'll play your game, you rogue! Let's try "The Rapists" for $20.

 

Alex Trebek: How about "Show and Tell" for $600? I'll just show you an object, and you'll tell me what it is, okay?

 

Sean Connery: It's a man with a mustache!

 

Alex Trebek: No, Mr. Connery, I am not the object. I haven't shown it to you yet. Here it is. [ holds up a hammer ] Name this object! [ Minnie Driver buzzes in ] Minnie Driver.

 

Minnie Driver: It's a popsicle!

 

Alex Trebek. No. [ Jeff Goldblum buzzes in ] Jeff Goldblum, name this object.

 

Jeff Goldblum: Yes. Uh,. thank you. That's a..uh.. a what-do-you-call-it when you.. umm.. When you... when you punish criminals in.. uh.. days of yore. It was a.. And you'd put them in the.. uh.. the square in those.. you know.. uh..

 

Alex Trebek: You mean in the stocks or a pillory?

 

Jeff Goldblum: Yes, exactly! [ timer sounds ]

 

Alex Trebek: It's a freaking hammer!

 

Jeff Goldblum: Well, of course it is!

 

Sean Connery: Now, listen to me! You back off, Trebek! You wouldn't have known that if you didn't have that card in front of you! [ to Goldblum ] This guy reads from a card!

 

Alex Trebek: Whatever. Let's move on to "Current U.S. Presidents", for $400. And the answer is: "He is the current U.S. President." [ no responses, so more clue is revealed ] "He has white hair, and you've probably seen him in the news.." "..His first name is 'Bill'.." [ no responses ] "..Mr. Goldblum, I know for a fact you had dinner with him recently.." "..His last name is Clinton!.." "..His name is Bill Clinton, please someone simply say, 'Who is Bill Clinton?'." [ still no responses ] Someone just say it! Anyone. [ timer sounds ] ..And the show has reached a new low.

 

Sean Connery: And I'm the cock of the walk!

 

Alex Trebek: Alright, let's just move on to "Final Jeopardy". And the category is: "Letters of the Alphabet." All you have to do is write down a letter. Any letter at all. For instance, "A" or "G". [ "Final Jeopardy Theme" plays, as the contestants write furiously ] There is no reason why any of you should be writing this much! Please just write down a letter of the alphabet. [ pan across contestants to Jeff Goldblum waving his arms around in slow strides ] Mr. Goldblum evidently doing Tai Chi over there.. [ time runs out ] Okay, for the sake of tradition, let's take a look at the answers. Sean Connery, you wrote: [ picture of a large hand giving "The Finger" appears ] Okay, that is definitely not a letter.

 

Sean Connery: Ha-Haa!!

 

Alex Trebek: Beautiful. Just beautiful. Minnie Driver, let's see what you wrote. [ screen reveals a drawing of an eye ] You drew a picture of an eye.

 

Minnie Driver: Well, "I" is a letter isn't it?

 

Alex Trebek: Are you English or retarded? Let's go to Jeff Goldblum, who appears to still be doing Tai Chi. Let's see what your answer was. [ screen reveals a huge number 2 ] The number 2.

 

Jeff Goldblum: Ah-hah ah-hah ah-hah.. the letter 2, my friend!

 

Alex Trebek: No, 2 is a number.

 

Jeff Goldblum: I, uh.. I can't read or write.

 

Alex Trebek: Good for you. Well, as always, three perfectly good charities have been deprived of money, here on "Celebrity Jeopardy". I'm Alex Trebek, and the three of you should be ashamed of yourselves! Good night!"

[Guest converge241]

Smauel Jackson and Tracy Morgan on the Titanic , waiting to get loaded on the escape boats

 

after 1st class, second class, the stowaways, the first class pianos, the second class pianos, actual pieces of the iceberg, etc.

 

then they payoff: at a bar they are shown relating their story to tim meadows about how thee were so many dead white people who froze floating in the water, they tied them together to make a raft to ride home