Keith Rant Mailing List not working?

[JasonX 0]

Anyone else receive Keith's NWO 2003 PPV Rant or this week's Raw Rant via the Smark Mailing List yet? It seems that Kieth hasn't sent them out yet....

[Guest The Mighty Damaramu]

Just go to 411wrestling/thesmarks........

[Guest OnlyMe]

nWo:

 

The SmarK Rant for No Way Out 2003

 

- Everyone seems to be crying in their beer over the demotion of Paul Heyman from Smackdown head writer (except for TOA, where it’s practically mardi gras) , which of course overlooks one important point: Heyman’s “brilliant” writing basically amounted to Mr. Burns telling Strawberry to “go hit a home run”. As long as you’ve got the Smackdown Six filling up two hours every week, it ain’t exactly gonna take much in the way of booking brilliance to put on an impressive show. Frankly given his people skills, I’m shocked he’s lasted THIS long.

 

- So here’s your weird Smackdown: SYM story of the week, as I play the game in sessions that would probably be considered borderline-obsessive to anyone who’s not a huge fan. I’ve been trying to go through the season mode in order to unlock all the movesets (which basically cover every wrestler in North America and Japan from Kendo Ka-Shin to Mick Foley), and thus I’ve had to play through the season two or three times already with different guys. So the second time through I’m using Hulk Hogan (who, incidentally, is AWESOME in the game in terms of getting consistent wins over just about any style of wrestler) and when the nWo storyline rolls around in February, obviously the game can’t do it because Hogan is already there. So instead I’m booked against Rock at No Way Out in a ladder match where I lose the title, but with no storyline to run, there’s no real setup for Wrestlemania. So Hogan fights HHH in a meaningless main event, and the Rock defends the title against…himself? Yup, the Undisputed champ defended against an exact duplicate of himself, both of whom carried the belt to the ring and were announced as the champion. Now, while I’m sure heel Rock v. face Rock in real life would provide the most awesome main event in history, it’s not only physically impossible, but would provide for a paradox in terms of who the champion is, since the Undisputed champion both won and lost at the same time. So if anyone from THQ is reading this, you’ve got a bug.

 

- And remember, the rant may be insanely late this month, but you can always use the time to read ”Tonight…In This Very Ring” again and catch some of the finer details you may have missed the first time through. I’m starting the next book (“Attitude Problem”) as we speak, so new content may be pretty thin for the next while. And again, if you thought “Tonight” was opinionated and ruffled some feathers, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

 

- LIVE from Montreal, PQ.

 

- Your hosts are Cole, Tazz, JR, Coach, King, Cat, Josh, Kevin, Rick, OJ, John Madden, Mark Madden, Vince McMahon, Shane McMahon, Linda McMahon, Stephanie McMahon, Hunter McMahon, Jimbo, Mr. Garrison, the 1989 Denver Broncos, John Rocker and Chaz Warrington…as the Beaver.

 

- Opening match: Chris Jericho v. Jeff Hardy. Of note (but not really) – there’s a homeboy in a Boston Bruins jersey with a cell phone in the front row who observant people may have noticed paying about as little attention to the match as I generally do first time around. What you may NOT have known is that he was calling ME, and I’ll report what he was saying throughout the show. I’m assuming that Jericho cut a heel promo on Montreal to generate his heel pop. Coach and Lawler discuss the potential fan reactions for Shawn Michaels, should he show up tonight. I was personally hoping for one of the drunken Montreal fans to throw a bottle at him, but that might be construed as excessively bitter. And I, your bastion of objectivity and good taste, wouldn’t want that. They exchange wristlocks to start and Jericho slaps him around, triggering a hissy fit from Jeff. Jeff gets a headscissors and pounds away in the corner, but he walks into a clothesline and Jericho backdrops him. Jericho starts chopping (which, as noted by a reader, should probably be called DOMESTIC VIOLENCE in Canada), but Jeff dumps him and follows with a corkscrew quebrada. Back in, Jeff comes in with a sloppy double-jump moonsault for two. Or, to quote the crowd, “TWO!” Coach talks about Shawn Michaels teaching Jeff the value of adding substance to your matches. I have something to say about that, but I’ll let it be for the moment. Jericho gets a suplex, but Jeff reverses a slam for two ala Wrestlemania III as we have a call from the black dude in the Bruins jersey: “Dude, I think Ricky Steamboat is here, but he looks a lot more gay than I remember”. Jericho misses a charge and Jeff makes a comeback with his girlish punches and then they blow the jawbreaker, but Jeff gets TWO. Jericho dropkicks him for TWO. Lionsault hits squarely on the knee (once again, even if it hit, it wouldn’t have done any damage) and Jeff gets a DDT for TWO. Crowd seems split on who to cheer. Jeff gets the corkscrew for TWO. Jeff misses an enzuigiri and gets put into the Walls in a messy spot, but makes the ropes. Jericho hammers away and heads up, but gets caught with a Pop-Up Superplex from Hardy. Jeff heads back up and throws the shirt into the crowd and we have another update from the Black Dude In The Bruins Jersey: “Dude, what does that hankie website say about throwing a white shirt into the crowd? Because I think he wrote his phone number on it.” Jeff reverses the Walls into a cradle for TWO. Neckbreaker and Jeff goes up, but the swanton misses. Lionsault gets TWO. Another pinfall attempt with the feet on the ropes gets TWO. I always admire that extra effort. Jericho goes back up and gets crotched, but reverses a rana attempt into a superbomb and the Walls of Jericho for the submission at 13:00. Quite a good, energetic opener with a minimum of blown spots from Jeff. ***1/4 Shawn hits the ring to save Jeff (drawing boos from the crowd), but after fighting off Vitamin C, suddenly becomes a babyface again.

 

- Meanwhile, Kurt gives the troops another pep talk. Apparently Montrealers are bitter.

 

- Evolution is HERE. Considering most of the people who inhabit wrestling, that’s a pretty ironic statement.

 

- RAW tag title: William Regal & Lance Storm v. The Unlikely Duo of RVD & Kane. RVD & Storm do a gymnastics exhibition to start, and Regal comes in for some armwork. Rob spinkicks him into a moonsault for TWO. Monkey flip and Kane drops an elbow for two. Kane slams Regal and bounces his head off the mat in the process, knocking him out in the process. Now that takes true talent – to fuck someone up on a BODYSLAM. I have an update from the Black Guy in the Bruins Jersey: “Dude, I was just watching that segment where Kane helped Regal up, and I think wrestling might be fake.” RVD comes in, but Storm ducks Rolling Thunder, onto to have Rob follow him out with a dive. Back in, slingshot legdrop gets TWO. Rob fights out of the corner and heads up, but gets sent into the railing by Storm. Back in, Regal gets a half-nelson suplex for nothing, as Kane breaks it up. Storm gets TWO. Storm hammers away in the corner. DROPKICK OF DEATH gets two. Regal drops a knee for TWO! TWO! TWO! Storm breaks up a sunset flip attempt with some truly pussified kicks, and gets TWO. Given all the criticism of RVD over the years, kicking him in the head too hard should be the least of anyone’s worries. Legdrop gets two. Suplex is reversed by RVD for TWO. Regal cuts off a tag as the match starts to drag. Kane gets distracted, preventing another tag, but eventually gets it and cleans house with the usual. Regal and Storm, much like auto-asphyxia victims, don’t know whether they’re coming or going. Kane’s mask gets pulled slightly off-center and he’s BLIND! He chokeslams RVD by mistake, and Regal gets the pin at 9:21. I gotta say “My mask was pulled to the side” is a pretty lame excuse for costing your partner the match. As Achilles’ heels go, this one ranks down there pretty far. Usual Regal/Storm snoozefest. **

 

- Cruiserweight title: Kidman v. Matt Hardy. Your Matt Facts: Matt is annoyed by snow and ice, and takes his hot tea with milk & sweetener. You know, maybe if he laid off the milk and sweetener, that last ¾ of a pound wouldn’t have been so tough. Matt takes him down to start and shows us some jumping jacks. A devastating bodyslam follows. Kidman comes back with armdrags and gets a rana, but they reverse each other until Kidman ends up on the apron and gets introduced to the post. Back in, that gets two. Legdrop gets one. Kidman fights back, but gets hit with a neckbreaker and we hit the chinlock. Kidman counters the Side-Effect with a rollup for two. Matt chokes him out to take over again and uses the ropes for two. You’ve gotta have more SOUL when you use the ropes. Make the fans BELIEVE that you’re evil. Tazz tries to get over a joke about banana juice, which is about as lame as trying to get over a joke about a guy in the front row with a cell phone. Ricochet gets two for Matt, but Kidman comes back with an enzuigiri and the Rydien Bomb for TWO. Matt counters the rebound clothesline with his own clothesline for two. The Yodelling Legdrop gets two. Kidman reverses the Twist of Fate with a rollup for two. Side Effect gets two as Shannon gets involved. Kidman bulldogs him and goes up, but the SSP misses. Twist of Fate gets TWO. Good near-fall. Kidman heads back up for another try, but gets tripped up by Shannon and Matt hits him with a top-rope Twist of Fate for the pin and the title at 9:31. Technically sound but I wasn’t feeling it. **1/2 At least Matt with the title is more interesting than Kidman.

 

- Meanwhile, Edge is out cold on the floor. Geez, it’s Quebec, he’s probably just drunk and passed out.

 

- Undertaker v. Big Show. They brawl outside to start, but Taker gets caught and sent into the post. Taker comes back and works on the throat with a guillotine legdrop, and then grabs a chair, but gets it punched back at him. Ah, bitter irony. Show whips him around and chokes him out, but misses a charge. Taker tries a slam, and that backfires. Show suplexes him for two. Big fat elbowdrops waste some time and get two. You have to think that anything after two of them is just showing off. Taker fights back, but walks into a bearhug. It’s just not the same without Lesnar doing it. Taker shrugs it off and slugs away, but gets sideslammed for two. Show tosses him as Cole talks about Show “over- strategizing” the match. Yeah, because when you think of Big Show’s matches, you think of complex strategy. Cole once again uses the “Crowd is quiet because they’re in shock” line to describe the overwhelming silence. I tried to ask the Black Dude in the Bruins Jersey, but he was taking a bathroom break. Taker fights back and gets a corner splash, but can’t chokeslam him. Gee, ya THINK? Flying clothesline gets two. Is it me or is Undertaker starting to look like Gowron as he gets older? Another try at the chokeslam, but he opts to go low instead. Truly a scientific classic. DDT gets two. Last Ride goes nowhere, and Show gets the MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER for two. HHH has taught him well. Snake Eyes gets two as the match continues its leisurely pace, to say the least. Taker comes back with a dragon sleeper in a horribly contrived spot (as Show set him up in some kind of fireman’s carry that existed only to set up the reversal), but A-Train interferes to break that up. Taker dives at them, which would look better if either A-Train or Heyman had bothered to CATCH him, and then heads back in to finish. Thank god, I can’t take much more of this boring match. Show gets a SWERVE chokeslam, however. Taker swerves him right back and counters with something you could laughably call a Triangle Choke and gets the win at 14:09. * I love how they have Angle, Benoit and Lesnar out there pinning each other with beltshots and feet on the ropes and UNDERTAKER gets to beat people clean with MMA moves. A-Train powerbombs Undertaker to set up the program we’ve all been waiting for anxiously. Boy, listen to that crowd reaction. Johnny Ace is almost as smart as Heyman.

 

- Meanwhile, Vince makes sure that Morley won’t join Bischoff in the match tonight.

 

- Team Angle v. Chris Benoit & Brock Lesnar. Benjamin and Benoit rock the mat to start and Benoit whips him around, and then Brock comes in and delivers THE PAIN to Haas. He hiptosses him across the ring and offers his services to Angle, but Kurt declines. So Haas gets the benefit of Brock’s anger-management problem, with a pair of gorilla slams on Team Angle, but some well-timed shenanigans from Kurt trap Brock in the corner. A superkick RIGHT IN THE FACE, BABY, finally puts him down. Brock wins me over as a fan more every day. Angle hits the chinlock as Brock casually powers out like the wrestler in the Bugs Bunny cartoon, but Angle hangs on. Brock powers out again, and this time rams him headfirst into the turnbuckles to break it. Tazz thinks it was an illegal choke anyway, although Brock’s continued BREATHING kind of refutes that argument. Benoit comes in and unleashes some fury with suplexy goodness on everyone in the general vicinity, and Shelton takes the worst of that. Up we go, but Haas trips him up and Kurt gets the Pop-Up Superplex. Lesnar gets some revenge with his own sleeper from the outside, but Benjamin takes one for the team to save his captain, and Benoit gets worked over as a result. TEAMWORK! Haas gets the overhead suplex for two. Angle stomps Benoit down and goes to a facelock. Benoit fights back with a rollup for two, and a small package for two. Slam is reversed for two. Angle comes back with a german suplex for two. You’d think the natural reaction from a French-speaking crowd would be to surrender at the first mention of anything German, but it IS only Canada and not actually France. Team Angle brings the awesome with the leapfrog choke for two. Team Angle cuts off the tag, but Benoit mule kicks Benjamin and makes the hot tag to Lesnar. SUPLEX! SUPLEX! He absolutely destroys Haas in the corner, but Shelton again saves Angle from F5-Ville. Benoit starts suplexing, but gets caught in the anklelock, and they do their reversal sequence to the delight of the crowd. Team Angle breaks it up, but Haas takes one for the team one time too many and gets crossfaced into submission at 13:13. Team Angle is an inspiration to children everywhere. Good stuff, but nothing we haven’t seen a million times on Smackdown already. ***1/2

 

- RAW World title: HHH v. Scott Steiner. Steiner gets booed during his ENTRANCE. Man, that’s just cold. Even Boston waited for him to start screwing up the match before turning on him. Scott Steiner has feelings too, you know. Maybe not in his arms and legs due to steroid use, but somewhere. Once again, I laugh at the irony of discussing Evolution with two sloped-forehead knuckle-dragging monsters approximating wrestling while trying to figure out if 1984’s “2+2=5” is a trick question or not. A fan in the front row holds up a “Vince Screwd Bret” sign, which is not only unoriginal, but spelled wrong. Steiner goes for the leg to start and pounds away on it, drawing heel heat. You’d think when every little move from Steiner draws boos and HHH’s comebacks draw cheers, someone would take a hint, but HHH is apparently God’s gift to heels and thus logic doesn’t apply to him. Steiner pulls off the bandage and works on the leg. Suplex and figure-four REALLY pisses off the crowd, because I assume they actually like Flair. Flair breaks it up and is suddenly more over than anyone in the match. Steiner takes him out, allowing HHH to come back and the crowd to think up newer ways to boo everyone in the match. The match itself just totally falls apart as Steiner lays around and HHH finally goes out and tosses him into the stairs. Back in, neckbreaker gets two. Nice to see HHH expanding his repertoire with variations on the neckbreaker in addition to his usual knee-related offense. And hey, there’s another neckbreaker for two. Coach talks about how great HHH is while the crowd shits all over the match. Steiner comes back with his overhead suplex (only one this time, rather than 8) and pounds away in the corner, and now even the announcers have to acknowledge the crowd. HHH bends him over in the corner in a slightly disturbing pinfall attempt, drawing a fight with Hebner that makes HHH into an even bigger babyface. Man, when even the tried-and-true ref shoving match routine won’t turn you heel, you’re hosed. Steiner makes his comeback and messes up his own rotation belly-to-belly, but gets two. More punching. The crowd opts for the more traditional “boring” chant now. The classics never go out of style. Steiner punches away and gets another overhead suplex for two. To the top, and HHH carefully suplexes himself off the top, as Steiner gets two. That’s just sad. Steiner gets the dreaded REAR CHINLOCK OF DISMEMBERMENT, but Orton & Batista hit the ring. Steiner fights them off, but HHH uses the belt for two. Can we PLEASE retire that spot? It’s so hackneyed and cliché that Vince Russo will probably be debuting it as part of NWA-TNA this week. KICK WHAM PEDIGREE ends the punishment at 13:00. Not quite as bad as Royal Rumble, but without the redeeming comedic factor of watching Steiner fall apart on live TV. -**

 

- Steve Austin v. Eric Bischoff. JR joins us for commentary again and is immediately WAY over the top in support of Austin. I love the message sent when they spend all that TV time burying Austin and then bring him back in a cynical ratings ploy without even offering explanation for why anyone should think he’ll act differently this time. Not to mention how all the midcard guys must feel being portrayed as second-rate to Austin’s big comeback after the way he went out. Austin stomps a whathole on Eric and gives the fans a chance to get it out of their system. Bischoff tries a kick, which Austin laughs off, and they head out for some chops. KICK WHAM STUNNER, but he’s a little out of practice so he picks up Bischoff and does it again. Still not back in form, so once more finishes at 4:25. JR goes insane overselling the moment like some sort of act of booking genius, but really it’s a guy who was stale and left when things weren’t going his way, and then sat out until ratings were low enough that he could return on his own terms and is still the same stale character he was when he first left. And the first storyline they set him up with is “owner v. Austin”, and then blow it off in his first match back already. I mean, I guess if you REALLY dislike Eric Bischoff this was interesting and/or satisfying, but I’m more interested in seeing if Austin can still hang with the main eventers. Worse than that, Austin’s well-publicized personal problems have sucked the joy out of seeing him do his thing – once you realize how screwed up he must be, it’s hard to get behind him as a babyface hero again. DUD

 

- Rock v. Hulk Hogan. Rock now has the most awesomely pretentious entrance video ever, complete with minute-long helicopter flyby video to lead up to a new evil remix of his music. That’s just badass, kids. Hogan’s pop is lessening with every show, which pretty much everyone with half a brain figured out the first time they tried his comeback last year. Rock stalls to start and irritates the fans, so Hogan chases and they brawl. Back in, Rock catches him with a boot and hammers away. Hogan does the turnbuckle stuff and DARES to use a spit-punch on Rock, which Rock is kind enough to sell by jumping over the top. Back in, Rock Bottom gets two. Rock improv’s by stealing Hogan’s bandanna and belt, then stops for a drink. What he needs to do is leave his cell phone in the corner and stop to answer it during the match. Hogan gets the belt back and fires away with it. What a sportsman. Hogan slowly punches away, but Rock DDTs him and pops up. Man, Rock is doing the work of 18 guys here with the overblown selling and mannerisms, but it’s an uphill battle. Sharpshooter (the only thing about Rock that’s not awesome due to his sloppy execution and the way he holds it at the ankles and doesn’t bend the opponent’s back properly) but Hogan powers out. Rock clotheslines him outside and taunts the crowd to fill the dead time, and then grabs a chair and hits the post instead of Hogan. Hulk gets it in turn, but the ref stops it, allowing Rock to hit two People’s Elbows (one with Hogan poses inserted) for two. Hulk up and the usual…and the lights go out. Man, who let Heyman write the cheques to the power company again? When they come back on, the ref is out. Why that required the lights to go out, I don’t know. Vince joins us to really hammer home the upcoming screwjob, as the ref slips Rock the chair and Hogan is dumb enough to stand there and get hit with it for the pin at 12:35. Yes, they spend the show making fun of the crowd for not getting over Bret, and then run yet another Montreal finish to end the show. I’m sure it won’t be as controversial this time when I note that this was slow, dull and uninspired stuff, and nowhere near as good as their Wrestlemania match (which in itself wasn’t that good to begin with), capped off by an awesomely stupid finish that pretty much killed the crowd and insulted the intelligence of everyone in the building. Well, aim big, I always say. -* The knee-jerk defense for this match seems to be “Yeah, but it sets up that Vince-Hogan match at Wrestlemania”, to which I counter with “Yeah, but it sets up that Vince-Hogan match at Wrestlemania”. I think my viewpoint on the matter wins.

 

The Bottom Line: As is usually the case as of late, the stuff I expected to be pretty good was pretty good, and the stuff I didn’t wasn’t, but since they spent all the time promoting the awful stuff on top, that’s what this gets judged by. Thus, thumbs down.

 

C’est la vie.

 

Raw:

 

The SmarK RAW Rant – February 24 2003

 

- Those of you here in Edmonton probably noticed that Mike Jenkinson did a very cool book review of “Tonight…in This Very Ring” in his latest editorial column in the Edmonton Sun, and you can check out the nice words he has to say about it at http:// cnews.canoe.ca/Columnists/jenkinson.html Positive feedback keeps rolling in, and lots of people in the US are reporting that it’s constantly sold out in their local bookstores. Can’t get much better news than that. So keep buying, and hang tight for “Attitude Problem”, coming to a bookstore near you. I’m endeavoring to dig up the highest quality backstage dirt for you as we speak.

 

- Live from Toronto.

 

- Your hosts are JR & King

 

- Bischoff limps out with sling and eye makeup to announce that Austin is not here tonight and there’s a 20-man battle royale for the title shot at Wrestlemania. And then we get…the Rock. Well, now I have a reason to watch again. Can he carry an entire show alone? If anyone can, it’s him. And once again, I must stress how incredible that new entrance is. Apparently Vince gave Rock carte blanche as a reward for whupping that red- and-yellow candy ass last night, and he chose to come to Toronto. The crowd cheers the mention of their name, so he MOCKS THEM. “Yay, he mentioned our city!” MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Rock takes the city to task for booing him at Wrestlemania, and then educates them on Hogan’s Smackdown status when they chant for him. He’s also upset that he didn’t get voted Superstar of the Decade on the RAW X show. This provokes a rant against Steve Austin, which sets up YOUR Wrestlemania Insta-Feud Main Event. The crowd starts playing singalong with the Rock, which prompts a silent rebuke from the Rock. The subtle stuff with this guy is so amazing. He hits the Maple Leafs insult for good measure, completely turning the entire arena against him. HHH wishes he could incite this kind of reaction, heel or face. The crowd even goes for the “You sold out” chant. The crowd has LOST singalong privileges and is no longer allowed to finish “If you smell…” because of their behavior. This was absolutely one of the most awe-inspiring heel promos I’ve ever seen.

 

- Jazz v. Jackie. Jazz attacks to start but Jackie gets a dropkick and Jazz bails. Back in, Jackie charges and walks into a clothesline, and Jazz legdrops her for two. Jackie fights back with nothing and Jazz gets the half-crab into the STF for the submission at 2:13. DUD Trish makes the big return and goes after Jazz for the catfight, but Victoria joins the fray until getting restrained.

 

- Meanwhile, Test has a meet and greet session with Girls who are Going Wild and stuff. He seems, shall we say, incredibly fucking hammered throughout the whole video. This leads to FRICTION with Stacy. It’s kind of hard to buy Test’s protests of innocence with 50 half-naked women on the TV behind him. Morley makes Test & Stacy v. Jericho & Christian tonight. Bet that’s going to end up as their public punishment and humiliation as per WWE policy.

 

- JR has a sitdown interview with Goldust about the electrocution and possible neurological damage. Well, JR would know. Goldust delivers a standard babyface promo, with silly tics inserted at random points. I guess the gimmick is going to be that everyone knows he has Tourette’s except for him, but it’d be funnier if he was swearing at random points and the censors had to keep up with him all the time ala Ozzy. As is, it’s just kinda vaguely offensive to no one in particular and the performance wasn’t even that convincing. In other words, another winner from the Dunn/Gerwirtz dream team.

 

- Kane v. Lance Storm. Kane tosses him around and dumps him to start, but Storm gets an elbow. He walks into a boot and Kane drops an elbow, but Storm pounds away to take over. Storm goes up with a missile dropkick for two. Kane does the zombie situp as the Toronto crowd catches onto the TWO thing. Kane chokeslams him with malice for the pin at 2:21. Quckie time filler. ¼* Quick request on behalf of Rhode Islanders: Could we maybe give the pyro a rest for a few weeks? Besides, the WWE isn’t exactly known for using high-quality contractors with their stunts, are they?

 

- Meanwhile, Randy Orton gives the world the update they’ve been waiting for…the shoulder is at 99% and he’s ready to go tonight! They probably should wait for Wrestlemania to announce 100% healing for the shoulder, because you always want those extra 100,000 buys instead of just giving away that last 1% on free TV.

 

- Scott Steiner & Booker T v. Randy Orton & Batista. The crowd is all over Steiner tonight in Toronto, too. This could be entertaining. Orton & Batista get Flair’s music, which is awfully nice of him. It also makes them the faces right away. Booker hammers on Orton to start and gets a sidekick and sideslam for two. He chops away and forearms him down, but Flair trips him up, drawing a chase from Steiner and allowing Batista to get the MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER. Batista hammers on Booker as JR starts the nonsense about how we can’t appreciate how big Batista is on TV, as though seeing that he’s really tall will somehow make him a good wrestler and/or over. Orton powerslams Booker for two. They slug it out and Booker wins and takes care of things alone, but Flair’s interference allows them to drag Booker back to the corner for a Batista bearhug. Orton hits the chinlock as we use up time. Booker escapes and hits him with the axe kick. Superkick for Batista and Flair AGAIN allows them to cut off the tag. He fights in despite no tag and hammers on everyone, drawing no love from the crowd. Batista gets rid of him and spears Booker, and Orton goes up with the bodypress, which Booker rolls through for the pin at 7:45. Steiner never even tagged in. And that’s probably smart. Match was pretty boring with a mess of a finish. *

 

- Christian & Chris Jericho v. Test & Stacy. Stacy’s Leafs jersey almost makes me not hate the team. Test hammers on Christian to start, as Jericho sneaks over and yanks Stacy off the apron. I wonder if Jericho is getting a backache from carrying three feuds at once? Test clotheslines both heels, but Jericho uses a chair for the DQ at 1:15. DUD Jericho uses the power of the handcuffs to subdue Test and then puts Stacy in the Walls. She sounds more like she’s getting fucked than beaten up. It’s so heinous and shocking that the crowd sits silently. Jeff Hardy tries to make the save but gets punked out. Shawn “TJ” Mackey finally makes the real save to earn his pay for the week.

 

- Chris Nowinski joins us to rub salt in Jeff’s wounds, prompting an impromptu match. Jeff hits with the swanton so fast that I don’t think it’s even worth counting it as a match. And even faster, the ref reverses the decision because of Jeff’s excessive brutality afterwards. Man, I don’t think I’d WANT to take a victory that resulted from getting excessively beat up by JEFF HARDY. I mean, geez, the guy just finished getting punked out by Christian, and he’s like the Bitch To the Midcarders as it is.

 

- Meanwhile, RVD & Kane plot battle royale strategy. I want to see the session where guys are like “Okay, you punch the guy in the corner and I’ll lay on the top rope for five minutes at a time and kick at people trying to push me out.”

 

- Meanwhile, Rock chats on the CELL PHONE OF DOOM and then stops to play a song on a nearby guitar about how Canada can kiss his ass. Hurricane interrupts because he’s disappointed in the Rock’s behavior, and they discuss superheroes. Rock points out that Hurricane couldn’t actually beat any superheroes, but Hurricane CAN beat one…The Scorpion King. SCORE. “That was a SPECIAL EFFECT!” Rock protests, in the kind of voice guys say things like “IT WAS COLD!” in. Man, Rock even puts over guys in his PROMOS.

 

- Jerry Lawler v. Chief Morley. Lawler punches away to start and they brawl outside while the crowd gets on Hebner. You know they’re going the extra mile with Morley’s new gimmick because he’s got “Chief” on his tights now. Morley sends Lawler into the post and they head back in for rolling vertical suplexes. That gets two. Morley uses DOMESTIC VIOLENCE in the corner, but Lawler fights back with the best worked punches in the business, only to walk into a MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER. Morley goes up for the Bureaucracy Shot and grabs a chair, but the ref won’t allow it. Okay, A) it’s a no-DQ match, and 2) Morley outranks Hebner last I checked. The Dudleyz sneak in and hit 3D, and King drops the fist for the pin at 4:43. We’ve had entirely too many matches featuring the commentating crew this year and any interest in the Dudley Boyz in general expired about 6 months ago. ½*

 

- 20-Man Battle Royale: So we’ve got Jericho, Jamal, Rosey, RVD, a commercial break and then some other guys. Test immediately gets eliminated, and goes after Jericho, who eliminates himself and runs away. Jamal gets eliminated and the camera misses how. As usual everyone stands around and punches. Dreamer gets tossed by Rock and goes quietly. Maven gets dumped by Rock next. More nothing going on. Stevie gets tossed without fanfare. Hurricane fulfils the important role of laying on the top rope for a bit as Rock and Steiner hammer on each other in the corner. Batista & Orton dump RVD and Snow. Hurricane hiptosses Rodney Mack out, and I didn’t even know he was in it. Hurricane then makes a COMEBACK on the Rock, but gets kicked in the Hurri-Testicles and tossed. Rock and Book go out under the ropes and brawl outside, but Rock decides that this is beneath him and he takes a walk. In true Vince fashion, he does some color commentary. Orton dumps Hardy while the bored fans mugs for the camera. Steiner goes next, drawing a pop, but Booker dumps Batista and Orton both. So we’ve got Kane, Booker, Christian, Storm and Rock on commentary. Truly a world class mix. Storm & Rosey work Kane over with nothing exciting, but Rosey charges like an idiot and gets eliminated. Kane casually tosses Storm and chokeslams Booker, which prompts Rock to rejoin the match again. Kane pounds on Christian and gets a big boot before Rock sends both of them out. So we’ve got Rock v. Booker to finish things, and Rock seems to think it’s well in hand. Booker comes back, however, and THE GLOVES ARE OFF! Rock DDTs him, however and mocks the Spinarooni, but gets cocky and gets tossed at 12:23 to send Booker to Wrestlemania. All battle royales suck, end of show.

 

The Bottom Line:

 

Note to HHH: Rock’s been on the show ONE WEEK and he’s already verbally put over Hurricane and then put over Booker in the ring to send him to Wrestlemania and thus make TWO (count ‘em) new babyface stars, and yet he’s still the most over heel on the show without having to squash anyone to keep his heat. And the most annoying part to HHH will likely be when this show suddenly jumps in the ratings and there’s no Hunter to be found.

 

This show, as usual, sucked, but if anyone can wake up the talent base enough to actually provide a motivated group of workers, it’s Rock.

[Guest THE MIGHTY THOR]

All his rants are the same predictable crap, RAW sucks,Benoit rules, yada yada yada.

[Guest Spaceman Spiff]

Well, Raw *has* sucked for a while, and Benoit *does* rule

[Guest THE MIGHTY THOR]

Ahem, newsflash: I was being sarcastic.

[Guest Spaceman Spiff]

Well, excuuuuuuuuuuse ME! </Steve Martin>

 

EDIT: and since everybody & their grandmother bash SK for that same reason, it's hard to tell when people are being sarcastic about it

[Guest Mole]

I don't see why people have beef with him. All he does is state his opinion, and has a strong one for that matter. He is the best writer on the net, no doubt. IMHO.

[Guest Texas Small Arms 09]

The mailing list is working fine, I got both of mine...maybe it's your email.

[Guest Spaceman Spiff]

I didn't get mine via email (I use Hotmail).

 

EDIT: I got the Raw one by email, but not the NWO one.

[Guest Texas Small Arms 09]

Maybe it skipped over names...both MX and I got ours and we both have hotmail accounts

[Guest Ravenbomb]

I got both of them over e-mail