I've never been so afraid in my life

[Guest evenflowDDT]

So, I'm on AIM minding my own business, stalling for a paper, and I run into none other than our very own HotNewzWIRE~!

 

HotNewzWIRE: U FCUKIN BITHC WANNA MESS WITH EEM!??

aLi3NFi3ND: OMG WTF?!?!?!?!

HotNewzWIRE: IM UR FCUKING DESIER, KID~

aLi3NFi3ND: shit man, who is this?

aLi3NFi3ND: look, i'm uhhh... well... i'm...

HotNewzWIRE: UR BIGGEST DESIRE

aLi3NFi3ND: i don't do that gay modeling anymore, ok?

aLi3NFi3ND: that was YEARS AGO!!

HotNewzWIRE: FCUK U I HAV A WIFE AND 2 DATERS!

HotNewzWIRE: DAUGHTARS TYPO

aLi3NFi3ND: wha? that's not righ tthen...

aLi3NFi3ND: what, what do you want from me?!?!

HotNewzWIRE: UR FUCKIN LOFE

HotNewzWIRE: LYFE TYPO

HotNewzWIRE: I NO TAHT U NO ZAC KATTACK!!!!!!!!!!!

HotNewzWIRE: WHO IS HIM?!?

aLi3NFi3ND: i dunno what you're talking about

aLi3NFi3ND: honest!

HotNewzWIRE: FCKU THAT GAY ASS SHITTT

HotNewzWIRE: U BUT BANG HIM MONTHLY WEEKLY MAYBE EVEN HOURLY!!!!!!!111111

aLi3NFi3ND: wtf?

aLi3NFi3ND: i'm a VIRGIN ok?

HotNewzWIRE: gat!

HotNewzWIRE: gay!

HotNewzWIRE: i have 2 duaghters i m FILLED with ESTROGEN

HotNewzWIRE: I MEAN TESTOSTERONE ASSHOLE!!!!!1111111

aLi3NFi3ND: dude, i'm just... is this about your daughters?

aLi3NFi3ND: i don't know no zack attack

HotNewzWIRE: FCKU Y

aLi3NFi3ND: ok?

aLi3NFi3ND: uhhh... are you one of those closet gays? you have this desire to... ummm... perform sexual acts on me

aLi3NFi3ND: and this "zack attack" fellow

aLi3NFi3ND: i'm just curious

HotNewzWIRE: NO!!!!!!!! ZAC KATTACK TRIN TO WSTELKAN MY SPOTLITE

aLi3NFi3ND: uhhhh

aLi3NFi3ND: i realize you're heated, but ummm...

aLi3NFi3ND: i have no idea what you're talking ab out

aLi3NFi3ND: about*

HotNewzWIRE: I LIEV IN YELLOWKINIFE FUCKIN MY WIFE

 

HotNewzWIRE: WHILE CHECKIN SHIT ONLINE

aLi3NFi3ND: what is YELLOWKINIFE?

HotNewzWIRE: AN I SEE ZAC KATTACK (UR FRIEND) TAKIN MY SPOT

HotNewzWIRE: Yellowknife is my home JACKASS

HotNewzWIRE: IN YUKON TERRITORY CANANDADNADNA

aLi3NFi3ND: oh, i've never been to that part of canada

aLi3NFi3ND: i've only been to quebec and nova scotia

HotNewzWIRE: FCUK U

aLi3NFi3ND: you know, the COOL parts?

HotNewzWIRE: I"LL RAPE YOUR PENIS

 

aLi3NFi3ND: uhhhh

aLi3NFi3ND: that's sexual harrassment!

aLi3NFi3ND: and i don't have to take it!

aLi3NFi3ND: ;-)

HotNewzWIRE: BTICH SHIT

HotNewzWIRE: IMMA FUCKIN SLIT UR COCK OPNE AND EAT THE CONTINTS

aLi3NFi3ND: hahahahahahaha

aLi3NFi3ND: you are one SICK freak, you know that?

aLi3NFi3ND: besides, i think your wife already did

aLi3NFi3ND: bitch

HotNewzWIRE: I WNAT ZAC ATTACK NOWWWWWWWW

aLi3NFi3ND: :-P

HotNewzWIRE: GIVE HIM @ ME

aLi3NFi3ND: even if i knew who the hell you were talking about, you couldn't have him!

aLi3NFi3ND: nope, eh eh, nada

HotNewzWIRE: BYE BYE BITCH

aLi3NFi3ND: you'd probably tie him up and lick his balls you freak

 

Now, I'm suitably freaked out. The HotNewzWIRE~! that posts around here is sweet and gentle, and makes a whole lot more typos. This HotNewzWIRE... well, this HotNewzWIRE freaked me out. Not funny at all, just vulgar, sick, and scary. It can't be the same person. It's just... it just can't be. So who's this HotNewzWIRE?

 

EDIT: I just wanted to make it clear, I thought this guy was joking at first, so I tried to humor him. The gay modeling stuff? Not true. It's just... well, humor didn't work, this man was a MONSTER

[Guest The Superstar]

Me? HotNewzWIRE~? HA! I wish I was half as creative.

[Guest evenflowDDT]

Me? HotNewzWIRE~? HA! I wish I was half as creative.

Yea I never bought into that stuff either. You're only good at writing matches anyway, I've read your promos

[Guest Hot NewzWIRE~!]

IVE BEEN FRAMD~!~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF IS TIHS SHIT?!?!$J@$@ i AM KIND GENTLE NICE AND NOT TO MENTION HANDSOME AND SEXY WITH A NICE FIRM BUTTOCKS> I SEROUSYL DID NOT WRITE THIS AND I PAOLOLYGIZE> ALTHU I DU HAVE A WIFE AND LIVE IN YELLOWKINIFE, I ASSURE THIS ISNT ME!!!!!! IM SO SORRY APOLIGIZE FOR CONFOOSION

[Guest evenflowDDT]

It NEVER ENDS!!

 

I am Zack Attack: MUWAHAHAHAHA

aLi3NFi3ND: OMG~! ZACK ATTACK~!

aLi3NFi3ND: you suck! :-P

I am Zack Attack: ohh sandmans on\

aLi3NFi3ND: why can't you mark for a wrestler as awesome as me, me, evenflowddt!

aLi3NFi3ND: ?

aLi3NFi3ND: heh

aLi3NFi3ND: hey, one thing i wondered - since you love zack so much and all, do you even buy his "gay" shirts? like "oooh i looove myself~!"?

I am Zack Attack: HEeeeY!!!! youNOT GOING BAN@ MEW!!!! likE SANDMAN!!

aLi3NFi3ND: sandman?!?! grrr.... don't even mention him when talking to me!

aLi3NFi3ND: you think you're such a "smart markz" and it's kayfabe?

aLi3NFi3ND: FUCK YOU I HATE SANDMAN AND HIS STUPID ASS~!

I am Zack Attack: SAnDFuCKER BLooCKED Me~! He NOt Like Fans..HE Suxor and DiE!!!!

aLi3NFi3ND: hahaha

I am Zack Attack: Itzzz ANGLESAULTz B-DaayyY!!!

aLi3NFi3ND: why would he like someone who likes ZACK?

aLi3NFi3ND: of all the roster...

aLi3NFi3ND: i mean come on!

aLi3NFi3ND: yea, it's as' birthday, i wonder who has "heat" for not getting him a present?

I am Zack Attack: He'ZZ Not KEWL DOOd Like U!!! U TalkszZ  to Fans

aLi3NFi3ND: true that, well, i aim to please

aLi3NFi3ND: that's really all i ever wanted as a wrestler, ever since i wanted to get the dingo warrior's autograph once and he shunned me

aLi3NFi3ND: i vowed if i was ever famous to never be a dick

I am Zack Attack: tHaT SuX!!!!

aLi3NFi3ND: even if someone is a zack fan ;-)

I am Zack Attack: ~Got Anneyee BaaacK StaGE RumoRS!!! Are U n AliSSSOnn ssooo HOT!!! Really BReaking Up[... I'd Bone HERR !!!!

aLi3NFi3ND: dude, that's gross.  show some class man! she is attractive, but veronica (OMG HER REAL NAME~!) is in another relationship with someone else

aLi3NFi3ND: besides, i don't want any heat by giving too much away

I am Zack Attack: VerONICA!!! KREAM~! WHATa NAme ughh!!! Whaaat Tabout SPiderBard's New Guurrlll!!! She'S HOTtttttiee DoodD

I am Zack Attack: Yo"RE not Like SuperStarSuckS who Sleeps with AgNEsss's MoM or Dad Or Dog R U!?

aLi3NFi3ND: nah, i don't sleep with... well... anyone, i'm single, my wife left me saying i spent too much time on the road

aLi3NFi3ND: sigh.

I am Zack Attack: ThaT SuccckSSS... Was Yer WiFE HotT?

I am Zack Attack: She ProLLy Is With Zack..>CauSe BitCHEs Need MONEY!

aLi3NFi3ND: OMG WTF?! that's just UNCALLED for!

I am Zack Attack: Heahahaaa

I am Zack Attack: AdMiT~! You WanT to BE Richies Like Zack, My IDOL!!!

aLi3NFi3ND: i'm not greedy, i don't have too many expenses

aLi3NFi3ND: besides, we midcarders make a good $60K a year in oaoast

aLi3NFi3ND: nothing to sneeze at

aLi3NFi3ND: unlike unemployed 13 year olds

aLi3NFi3ND: who sit around at their computer and bitch about wrestling all day

aLi3NFi3ND: i hope your training is going well

I am Zack Attack: WHAT~!!!

I am Zack Attack: YOU SUCKSS A MY LEFT NUTTSSZZ!! YOU GAY FAG!

aLi3NFi3ND: maybe you and "hot newz wire" can collapse after 30 seconds for a double countout

I am Zack Attack: I am RIch LiKe Zack! My DaD is RIch He bIg Smart Man

aLi3NFi3ND: oh please.  is that supposed to give you more credibility?

I am Zack Attack: MONEY~~!!! is Powaa

aLi3NFi3ND: why don't you get your nose out of the "wrestling porch" as you call it, and get out of your house

aLi3NFi3ND: work out, do SOMETHING

aLi3NFi3ND: what a life... spending all day online, whining about veiled homoeroticism

aLi3NFi3ND: god

I am Zack Attack: I GoT a GirlFriend!! She'S HOT~! Not AlliSOn BonERiSh Hot But Hot....I beT u Don't Got that...U DOn't YOUR WIfey Sucks Zack;s DiCK noW!!!

aLi3NFi3ND: UGH! you know what? i can't WAIT for you to show up at freakin' anglemania

aLi3NFi3ND: so you can see for yourself how zack REALLY is...

aLi3NFi3ND: you know what he does before a match? doesn't get his dick sucked, doesn't do anything... it's all a FACADE

I am Zack Attack: ANd How Is HE...BEtter Than Yu!!!

aLi3NFi3ND: he watches saved by the bell tapes

aLi3NFi3ND: and gets a pizza delivered

I am Zack Attack: No Ittzz Not..HE got Hunnies Up In hiS DiZziCK an MizOuth an Such!

aLi3NFi3ND: that's IT! nothing magical, nothing pimping, nothing!

aLi3NFi3ND: nada!

aLi3NFi3ND: zip!

aLi3NFi3ND: zilch!

I am Zack Attack: U JeaLOUSS!!!!

I am Zack Attack: Hah! You're A LOSSer...

aLi3NFi3ND: of WHAT? his saved by the bell t-shirt collection?

aLi3NFi3ND: hey life's dealt me a bad deck

I am Zack Attack: U Never Be Worl CHamp!!! HAHa Even AgnES gOt A Shot B4 YOU!

aLi3NFi3ND: but i'll show you who's a loser

aLi3NFi3ND: tomorrow

aLi3NFi3ND: when i pin you rprecious ZACK

aLi3NFi3ND: 1

aLi3NFi3ND: 2

aLi3NFi3ND: 3

aLi3NFi3ND: that is, if he's even brave enough to fight

I am Zack Attack: He'Z GoiNG To BE ChamP My FriEnd SaiD BPP is Going To Book HiM thaT wAy CauSe BPP haS Da PoweR...He'S Cool...Kewl!

aLi3NFi3ND: sigh... yes, your "friend"., on the "intrenet" right?

I am Zack Attack: MispElS WerdZ Is Kwl!

I am Zack Attack: YEs! i HaVe Lots Of Kewl Friends!

aLi3NFi3ND: then why don't you GO TALK TO THEM INSTEAD OF BOTHERING ME!

 

God... and people think I'M ZACK ATTACK~! ?

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

I feel left out. HotNewzWIRE~! only IMed me once when I said I wanted to have his child, and he said "hey sexy." Unfortunately, I wasn't home at the time to respond. ZACK ATTACK~! has never bothered me at all on AIM.

 

(sniffle) I wanna be harassed too! Come on Superstar, hit me with your worst!

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

Whee! I Am Zack Attack bothered me! Here's the conversation:

 

I am Zack Attack: U FeLZ LEFt OUt!!! u WEANt SoME ZaCk AttaCCKSss LOvIN ...BPP SuxxED>..HE BLoCKed ME CAuSe I SAai D He NOT SexY N His GurL~! SuckS Too!! HAHA!!!!

Kotzenjunge: Sure, let's get it on.

Kotzenjunge: Why not?

Kotzenjunge: Hello? Zack? Come back!

I am Zack Attack: U WAnNNTed ME~! EvERyoNE WAnTs ZaCk AttaCK~aa! I Kick ASzz SpeCIallY HotNEWss!WireS~! Azz

Kotzenjunge: I don't care about HotNewzWIRE~! unless he wants to get in on a threesome chat or something.

I am Zack Attack: U ProBabLy WaTChIn FakE KyLIe PoRN~!

I am Zack Attack: At LEsT ShE Hot~!  EvENflOW Don'T kNowW Hot

Kotzenjunge: (grabs Zack and kisses him) Take me, man meat!

I am Zack Attack: ~!!EwwW! I'M TnoT GheY ~! LikE AgnES TwaT

Kotzenjunge: The hell you aren't. Drop those pants, big boy.

I am Zack Attack: I'M noT Zack 22...I'm ZacK Attack~!!. Zack;s BIggesT Fan!!!

Kotzenjunge: The point is that you have a penis.

Kotzenjunge: And I want it.

Kotzenjunge: Now let me have it.

I am Zack Attack: U WoulNDt Be AblE TO Find U DiCk BoY...SupeS Got TwEEEEZers N A MiCROSCOPE!!!

I am Zack Attack: HE Can HElp U!

I am Zack Attack: My DiCk goES In PUSsssyy!! Mmmmm!!! NOthING elSE unLessS IT S A ABitCH's MouTH!!

Kotzenjunge: Do I have to do all the work myself? (undoes Zack Attack's belt and pulls his zipper down with his teeth)

Kotzenjunge: I'll be your bitch, Zack Attack.

I am Zack Attack: I DonT Do CYbEr ThaAT S Sick SUtf CauSE U Sick..U No BItch U Got NO pUssy U R a Pussy CauSE RaveRS SUCKK!!!! But no Pussy anD No BOoBS!!!!

Kotzenjunge: But I've got a mouth/

Kotzenjunge: A very talented mouth.

I am Zack Attack: I Be BAck TO HAreaSSSS yOURET ASS SOonn MuwHAHA!~!!! IO Gots HOneYS WHo WANt ME oVer HErr....e...You BEttER Wach Out At ANGLEmaNIA~~!!!! CauSE I'M TAKING ovvaaararrrr!!!

I am Zack Attack: RAVES R GHEY~!!!!!

Kotzenjunge: All right, fine. I'll take it first.

Previous message was not received by I am Zack Attack because of error: User I am Zack Attack is not available.

 

Damn, I was looking forward to that too...

[Guest Angle-plex]

(sniffle) I wanna be harassed too! Come on Superstar, hit me with your worst!

What are you asking SUPERSTAR to hit you with his worst? Shouldn't you ask HotNewzWire to do that?

[Guest Big Poppa Popick]

this is too funny

[Guest Sandman9000]

Sandman's quick on the block button.

[Guest Big Poppa Popick]

i kinda like how kotz fucked with em

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

He IMed me again, but I was sadly still asleep.