Guest MrRant Report post Posted March 9, 2003 This list is to be used as an information source for combating hippies wherever they may lurk. Adopt tactics that fit the situation at hand. The following DEFCON table will aid you in specifying tactics for certain hippie-encounters: Hippie DEFCON Chart DEFCON Situation 5 Lone Hippie 4 Drum Circle 3 Hippie Love Fest 2 Hippie Block Party 1 Phish Concert Tactics: These are broken down into three categories, non-violent, violent and fraudulent. Naturally, as hippie are peace loving freaks, violent actions are the preferred course as they will usually not respond. Fraudulent tactics should be used by the daring and cunning who are willing to impersonate a longhair and gain the trust of others long enough to do away with them. Non-Violent Violent Fraudulent Non-Violent Tactics SOAP ON A ROPE: This may be used as a low-level means of warding off longhairs as they will keep a good distance from your charm. DEFCON 5 TICKS: Ticks are a hippie's worst enemy. Obtain a box of ticks and sprinkle themt at will upon passing hippies. The bugs will love the bountiful playgrounds upon the hippies' heads. DEFCON 5, 4 BLACK SPRAY PAINT: Attacks with black or any metallic colored spray paint will surely humiliate the longhair among his/her peers. WARNING: Use of any other color will conversely enhance the hippie's social standing. DEFCON 5, 4 SCISSORS: Sneaking up and cutting off dreadlocks on an unsuspecting hippie will likely result in cardiac arrest when the target becomes aware of what has transpired. DEFCON 5 D.E.A. JACKETS: Hippies, as abusers of chemical substances are always in constant fear of being caught by police agencies ("the fuzz"). Wearing a Drug Enforcement Agency jacket about will not only ward off hippies, but scare them away as they are forced to eat their illicit drugs. DEFCON 5, 4, 3 HOBOS: Hippies, despite their distasteful appearance, are typically nothing more than rich white kids. As such, they greatly fear contact with the poor and down-trodden. This tactic works in close quarters as the similarity in smells between the hippie and the hobo will lead the longhair to believe a brother hippie is near until it is too late. DEFCON 5, 4, 3 TEAR GAS: Often used in the past against threatening masses of hippies, tear gas will scatter those who are not too doped up to notice. DEFCON 3, 2 HEAD SHOP SHIT ATTACK: Fill a large padded envelope with watered-down fecal matter and insert under door of a locked head shop or hippie cafe. Jump on top of envelope to spray its contents inside. DEFCON 3 Violent Tactics CAN OF RAID: Use Raid or other cheap insecticides to spray in the face of a hippie's pet ferret. Asphyxiation or severe illness should set in for the ferret. The hippie will then cry. DEFCON 5 COWTROPS: Drop nice, sharp but small-sized cowtrops around the locations where hippies frequent, or pass through. While the calpers will just annoyingly stick to the sole of an average person's shoe, barefoot free-loving hippies will be rendered crippled. DEFCON 4, 3 BASEBALL BAT: A few good wacks to the knees will stop any passing hippie in his/her tracks. This is especially useful for marijuana legalization marches or when being pursued by a hippie. DEFCON 5 MACHETE: Maniacal wielding of a large bladed weapon, inflicting injuries upon those who would get too close, is a highly effective method when encountering small to medium sized groups of hippies. Any amount of bloodletting will cause the non-injured to flee in terror or faint on the spot. DEFCON 4, 3 WILD BOAR: Release of a wild boar at a co-op where some hippies are having a love in is sure to turn their free love into a blood orgy. Let the hilarity ensue. DEFCON 3 BOMB: Placement of a large explosive devise underneath the sound stage just prior to a hippie concert or festival should kill off enough longhairs to bring absolute contentment in life. Include nails and metal shreds for the added delight of flayed hippie skins. DEFCON 1 Fraudulent/Impostering Tactics PARAFFIN: Mixing paraffin or a strong solid-state toxin into the marijuana supply (or "stash") of a hippie should be sufficient to cause permanent damage or death. Potential brain damage, however, will be mitigated by the fact that the target, being a hippie, will already suffer from that particular condition. DEFCON 5 LYE-DYE T-SHIRT: Give away tie-dye t-shirts which you have cleverly soaked in caustic lye. Revel with delight as you watch an unsuspecting hippie put the t-shirt on and begin screaming in pain. DEFCON 5 FORMALDEHYDE BONG: Sucker a few hippies into taking a couple "hits" off such a bong and they should be laying stiff in no time. DEFCON 5, 4 POISONOUS 'SHROOMS: Sell off a bag of these delights, nicely dried and perhaps discolored to resemble the real thing and watch some peace loving dudes go on the last trip of their lives. (Thanks to [email protected] for this one.) DEFCON 5, 4 FLUFFY DOG: No hippie can resist wanting to shower love and attention upon a fluffy dog. Before showing the dog off to the hippies, however, insert a large explosive inside the fluffy dog's rectal cavity. If the blast doesn't kill them, the scattered fluffy dog parts should at least scare them into eating meat again. DEFCON 5, 4, 3 C-4 Tape Deck: Similar to the fluffy dog (see above) a tape deck found in a park blasting one of the Greatful Dead's many tedious bootlegs will attrack hippies from far. As they dance naked a simple timing mechanism connected to some C-4 can make their groove a lot more frantic as hair and dirt flies in every direction. (Thanks to [email protected] for this one.) DEFCON 5, 4, 3 RAINSTICK PIPEBOMB: Next time the hippies want to "groove" to some tribal beats and they pull out their synthetically manufactured rainstick, be sure to replace it with a decoy that has a percussive explosive inside. This also works with bongos, but its not quite as funny. (Thanks to Scott for this one.) DEFCON 4, 3 DECOY MINIBUS: Stationing a VW Minibus in close proximity to a hippie event will invariable draw their attention. Adjust the exhaust pipe to blow into the back of the bus and seal it off from the cab. You are then free to lure them inside the vehicle where they should find themselves on a death ride to meet Jerry. Anti-Hippie Action League Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest SP-1 Report post Posted March 9, 2003 *claps* Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Kotzenjunge Report post Posted March 9, 2003 This has gone from being a simple annoyance to a full-blown psychosis. I truly worry for you and the creators of that website. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest hardyz1 Report post Posted March 9, 2003 Me like. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Vern Gagne Report post Posted March 9, 2003 Considering Hippies are rich white kids who smoke pot. Why not try making some money. Take some parsley put it in a baggy, and sell it to a unsuspecting hippy. They'll be so high they won't even notice it's not weed. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest saturnmark4life Report post Posted March 9, 2003 Hippies need a stiff kick in the twat. We should throw them at Iraq or something. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest DrTom Report post Posted March 9, 2003 ::applauds:: It's "caltrops," btw. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest kkktookmybabyaway Report post Posted March 9, 2003 LOL --- I love the gallery of hippie horrors. The hippie invasion is my favorite. NOOO -- the anti-Mullet revolution is no more!... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest JMA Report post Posted March 9, 2003 Hm. Maybe we should just put them in ghettos. And, when they die, we can use mass graves. Not to mention burning them in furnaces. You think we should make them wear tie-dye patches on their arms as well? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Vern Gagne Report post Posted March 9, 2003 Why did you change your name again The Dreamer? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Kotzenjunge Report post Posted March 9, 2003 I'm wondering how on Earth he has zero posts. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Vern Gagne Report post Posted March 9, 2003 Maybe he asked the Mods to keep his post count at Zero. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest JMA Report post Posted March 9, 2003 Maybe he asked the Mods to keep his post count at Zero. I did. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest bob_barron Report post Posted March 9, 2003 Why did you change your name again? You're a name whore or something Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest JMA Report post Posted March 9, 2003 Why did you change your name again? You're a name whore or something Possibly. I grow bored with names after a while. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest razazteca Report post Posted March 9, 2003 Blast the Chili's Baby Back Ribs theme song on loud speakers. This will drive the salad eating hippies insane. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest JMA Report post Posted March 9, 2003 Why all the hippie hate? Geez, next thing you know there'll be some Hitler-esque moron who thinks all hippies should be dead. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest saturnmark4life Report post Posted March 9, 2003 Hi, that's me... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest JMA Report post Posted March 9, 2003 Hi, that's me... You're the Hitler of hippies? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest saturnmark4life Report post Posted March 9, 2003 Well, they're usually a bunch of vegetarian twats, and if they don't drink that's even worse. Why did we get rid of hanging in the first place? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest JMA Report post Posted March 10, 2003 Well, they're usually a bunch of vegetarian twats, and if they don't drink that's even worse. Why did we get rid of hanging in the first place? Why do you care if someone is a vegetarian? Ditto for drinking. It doesn't matter. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest kkktookmybabyaway Report post Posted March 10, 2003 Why do you care if people hate hippies?... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest evenflowDDT Report post Posted March 10, 2003 Why do you care if people hate hippies?... Because my parents were hippies and they exhibit none of these stereotypes and to wish death upon someone just because they have different political views is a terrible thing? Not only that, this just isn't funny. kkktookmybaby away posted in another thread about fake hippies/"neo-hippies"/whatever you want to call them as long as you don't call them hippies because they're nothing like real hippies and I laughed because it was funny. This is just stupid. Plus... it's not even original material. I could almost forgive the blatant hatred for a second if it was original... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest evenflowDDT Report post Posted March 10, 2003 See? Just not funny. And unoriginal. Tsk tsk. evenflowDDT greatly disapproves. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest MrRant Report post Posted March 10, 2003 MrRant thinks that you would be better off here. Among your kind. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ultimo Dugas 0 Report post Posted March 10, 2003 Obviously this isn't (completely) serious so no offense should be taken as it was hillarious. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest saturnmark4life Report post Posted March 10, 2003 Exactly, whilst I resent everyone and everything for not being exactly like me, I'm just having fun with a filthy bunch of hippies. People here take everything waaaay too seriously. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest kkktookmybabyaway Report post Posted March 10, 2003 "kkktookmybaby away posted in another thread about fake hippies/"neo-hippies"/whatever you want to call them as long as you don't call them hippies because they're nothing like real hippies and I laughed because it was funny. This is just stupid." The term was pseudo-hippies, and yes there is a BIG difference between the two. It seems that every time one of these hippie threads start up, people take this too seriously. If you don't like the discussion just skip the thread... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest evenflowDDT Report post Posted March 10, 2003 MrRant thinks that you would be better off here. Among your kind. You're right. This site has inspired me. From now on I shall be known as Rainbow Sunshine Flow DDT. This article is what sealed the deal. And to think all this time I was worried about facist bigots and the man trying to hold me down by raiding my supply. Now then, I think I'm off to protest and, in a Satanic rabid state, rape a red-blooded American's daughter, eat their father, and spread my infectious hippie disease amongst the town. I guess I should just heed the best advice and skip these threads. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
