[Humor] Vince McMahon's X-SPAN

[Guest Jobber of the Week]

From the Onion's latest book, Ad Nauseum. I haven't ever seen this in their website, and tried searching for it with no luck, so I guess this exists only in their print editions. Enjoy.

 

Vince McMahon's X-SPAN Promises Bone-Crunching Legislative Coverage

 

WASHINGTON, DC-At a press conference Monday, pro-wrestling tycoon and entrepreneur Vince McMahon unveiled his latest broadcasting venture: X-SPAN, a 24-hour cable network that promises "in your face, X-treme lawmaking that puts C-SPAM to shame."

 

"On March 24, everything you know about the legislative process goes up in flames," McMahon said. "Get ready for bone-crunching, smashmouth, 21st-century lawmaking."

 

"C-SPAN is for wimps," McMahon added. "They're a bunch of grannies."

 

X-SPAN will make it's debut in the Bicameraldome, a $460 million, state-of-the-art facility McMahon built to house his new cast of legistlators. Opening debate will focus on the Insurance Deregulation Act, an "X-plosive" new bill that will gve large insurance firms greater leeway in investing in foreign holdings. The bill's sponsor, X-Representative Big Kahuna Joe (R-HI), vowed to reporters that he will "debate any opponent, anytime, anywhere, regarding the merits of this bill."

 

According to the terms of the new McMahon-imposed legislative process, X-Representatives from all 50 states will introduce bills to the Big Bad House Of Pain. Bills passed by a simple majority will be run through The Gauntlet Of Warriors, a hardcore third house where propsed legislation must survive not only a floor vote, but also a vicious beating with spiked clubs. If the bill survives, it moves on to the X-Senate and then to the president, who can either sign it or challenge its sponsor to a chainsaw joust. If defeated in the joust, the bill's sponsor is banished for all eternity to Capitol Hell.

 

In another move designed to stoke viewer interest, legislators will be allowed and even encouraged to date Senate pages, a bevy of short-skirted former strippers dubbed G.L.O.S.S - the Gorgeous Ladies Of Senatorial Service.

 

"These gals," McMahon said, "are real sluts."

 

McMahon also promised to make congressional races more "X-citing" by lifting restrictions on soft money, electioneering, and throwing dust into an opponent's face to blind him. McMahon said he hopes that de-emphasizing "boring old ethics" will lead to more rivalries and betrayals, spicing up coverage.

 

For the upcoming legislative year, McMahon is grooming as a leading villain X-Rep Big Chief Tomahawk (D-WY), a barechested Sioux chief famous for his "Warrior Shriek" fillibusters. As for breakthrough stars, McMahon is touting The All-American Boy (R-KS), a strapping, blond "good" X-Senator who takes down opponents of his bills with his signature finishing move, the "Majority Whip."

 

Rumors are also swirling around Darkshade (I-Nether Zone), an enigmatic, masked X-Senator who never speaks and always appears with Nevermore, his chief advisor. According to Nevermore, the demons of Cataclysma will soon break free from their unholy bonds on Halloween durring the pay-per-view Senate Slamma-Jamma Damnationals-unless Darkshade's revisions to the Family Medical Leave Act are approved before the stroke of midnight.

 

Despite McMahon's confidence in his new venture, political experts remain skeptical. Commenting on last Saturday's exhibition session, Dr. Anthony Wingfield of Harvard's John F. Kennedy School of Government said: "This strikes me as a crass attempt to take a perfectly good political process and make it more exploitative and titillating. If X-Rep Whack Daddy (D-MI) throws a smoke bomb at X-Rep J.P. Moneybags (R-CT) because he made romantic overtures to the Beautiful Veronica, that does not make for good government, however satisfying it may be on a primal level."

 

X-SPAN is also drawing fire from conventional lawmakers, who subscribe to the old-school, "constitutionally mandated" process of lawmaking.

 

"The very idea of participatory democracy demands that we, the elected Congress, have full authority to sponsor and vote upon the laws of the land," said Sen. Don Nickles (R-OK), a "real" senator from Oklahoma. "This 'Bunko The Evil Clown' character may consider himself to be acting as senator for the citizens of Oklahoma, but the people know that the men they elected, James Inhofe and myself, are their real representatives in the senate."

 

Continued Nickles: "Besides, that think where Bunko and The Gator (R-FL) double-teamed Sen. Billy Bob Banjo (D-AL) and hypnotized him into voting against his own fair housing bill? That was totally fake."

[Guest JMA]

"The 'X' stands for 'Xtreme'." - Homer Simpson

[Guest Vern Gagne]

Don't let Vince McMahon see this idea. It's bound to be another failed attempt by the WWE to try something outside the wrestling business.

[Guest hardyz1]

I'd watch it.

[Guest kkktookmybabyaway]

Another Onion story -- yawn.

 

But if enough people read it and think this is funny, then more power to the Onion...

[Guest NoCalMike]

.....Keep this thread far....far away from Titan Towers.

[Guest Texas Small Arms 09]

Too late, I'm sure someone has seen it.

[Guest jimmy no nose]

Didnt they already do this idea on that Comedy Central show where Martin Short dressed up like a fat guy and interviewed people like a year and a half ago?

[Guest The Czech Republic]

I do believe so, oddly enough.

 

I like the Onion one about how Congress, in the style of a pro sports team, demands a larger newer facility or else they'll move to Portland.

[Guest Slapnuts00]

I was just about to say that the Onion plagarized!!! Martin Short had a sketch on his Jimminy Glick talk show last year called Vince Mcmahon's X-span. It showed all the congressman fighting while Short dressed as Vince egged them on while "cheerleaders" bent over on table with blurs inserted...

[Guest Eagan469]

Onion has never been funny

[Guest JMA]

Onion has never been funny

You lie!

[Guest Jobber of the Week]

Onion has never been funny

Oh please. The "Why Can't I Sell Any Of These Fucking Bibles?" editorial is enough to even make someone under a vow of silence laugh.

[Guest kkktookmybabyaway]

The only time an Onion piece did anything for me was this one about an athlete blaming God for his team's loss...

[Guest JMA]

I liked the article about God being bi-polar.